So, I apologize in advance, I really hate making posts like this, but I just feel mentally done, and I just need to vent.
I'm stuck in a spot where it's like, if I stay home, I'll be comforting my family and serving my community for about 10% of the time, but 90% of the time, I'm just gonna be battling with loneliness and depression. There's nothing to do except lay in bed and do school work, and every time I try to do something here, there's s fuck ton of obstacles blocking me from doing them, or it just seems like so much trouble, and I have so little energy for it, that it just doesn't seem worth it. Like everything feels like I'm moving a boulder for some reason.
And then people keep pushing the boulder against me, keep sitting on the boulder, keep telling me, "Now Wheat you know you shouldn't be pushing that boulder" or, "Come on, Wheat! Stop being a pussy and shove that boulder you worthless piece of shit!" Or, "No, Wheat. You have to push the boulder like this, otherwise it's wrong." Or, "You know, Wheat. That boulder will be much lighter to push if you just have faith in God the same way we do." And then the boulder keeps getting snagged on rigid corners and stuck in narrow pathways.
But it's like, if I leave now, it will be cowardly of me, and I'm certain everyone will see it that way, plus I'd be putting my life in danger, putting other people's lives in danger, leaving my aging chain-smoking father behind in the midst of something that can easily kill him, and I'd be forfeiting being a part of this Mormon community and group of friends I've kind of grown fond of, and even though I have no interest in being a Mormon, they're literally the only community I have here, and with Spanish Flu 2: Electric Boogaloo just releasing in theaters, it's pretty fucking unlikely that ANYONE is going to welcome me into their community or circle of friends right now.
I've decided that the right thing to do is to stay here until all this shit blows over, focus on my classes, and volunteer at a soup kitchen about a 30 minute drive from here, even if it's at the cost of my physical and mental health since, it's not likely to be better out there, either. Really it's not the volunteering that's bad for my mental health, it's the staying indoors all the damn time.
In the meantime, I need some mental escapes. I've been doing 10 minute meditations almost every day now, I've been...pecking, at the Bible a bit more, I've been praying more, but I've started drinking a bit. Not that the shit touches my brain with how much mucus is surrounding it. I try to go for walks in the back yard when it's not TOO wet and cold, and even when it is.
Does anyone have any suggestions. I feel like the only escape from this is to go on some mental journey, and at this point, I don't really care if I come back down to reality or not. I just can't do psychedelics because I live with my family.
I'm stuck in a spot where it's like, if I stay home, I'll be comforting my family and serving my community for about 10% of the time, but 90% of the time, I'm just gonna be battling with loneliness and depression. There's nothing to do except lay in bed and do school work, and every time I try to do something here, there's s fuck ton of obstacles blocking me from doing them, or it just seems like so much trouble, and I have so little energy for it, that it just doesn't seem worth it. Like everything feels like I'm moving a boulder for some reason.
And then people keep pushing the boulder against me, keep sitting on the boulder, keep telling me, "Now Wheat you know you shouldn't be pushing that boulder" or, "Come on, Wheat! Stop being a pussy and shove that boulder you worthless piece of shit!" Or, "No, Wheat. You have to push the boulder like this, otherwise it's wrong." Or, "You know, Wheat. That boulder will be much lighter to push if you just have faith in God the same way we do." And then the boulder keeps getting snagged on rigid corners and stuck in narrow pathways.
But it's like, if I leave now, it will be cowardly of me, and I'm certain everyone will see it that way, plus I'd be putting my life in danger, putting other people's lives in danger, leaving my aging chain-smoking father behind in the midst of something that can easily kill him, and I'd be forfeiting being a part of this Mormon community and group of friends I've kind of grown fond of, and even though I have no interest in being a Mormon, they're literally the only community I have here, and with Spanish Flu 2: Electric Boogaloo just releasing in theaters, it's pretty fucking unlikely that ANYONE is going to welcome me into their community or circle of friends right now.
I've decided that the right thing to do is to stay here until all this shit blows over, focus on my classes, and volunteer at a soup kitchen about a 30 minute drive from here, even if it's at the cost of my physical and mental health since, it's not likely to be better out there, either. Really it's not the volunteering that's bad for my mental health, it's the staying indoors all the damn time.
In the meantime, I need some mental escapes. I've been doing 10 minute meditations almost every day now, I've been...pecking, at the Bible a bit more, I've been praying more, but I've started drinking a bit. Not that the shit touches my brain with how much mucus is surrounding it. I try to go for walks in the back yard when it's not TOO wet and cold, and even when it is.
Does anyone have any suggestions. I feel like the only escape from this is to go on some mental journey, and at this point, I don't really care if I come back down to reality or not. I just can't do psychedelics because I live with my family.
