kaichulita
soul rebel
- Joined
- Oct 2, 2014
- Messages
- 182
- Reaction score
- 154
Immediately upon stepping outside, a wave of humidity smacked me in the face and compelled my jacket off of me. I am in South Florida once again. The anxiety was almost overwhelming while I sat there waiting for my best friend to pick me up and take me to my hometown. I could think of nothing to distract me from the feeling besides reading a book I had recently bought, and so I read mindlessly, remembering none of what was written.
"KAICHU!" yelped my best friend Ana who frantically ran up to me for a hug. Out stepped my other good friend Chris, and after our hugs, we piled into the car heading towards my friend Ryan's house to meet up with the rest of my friends who awaited my return.
It was like I had never left as I laughed the night away with my old friends... Yet, I couldn't help but feel I have slipped into a dream. Things are undeniably different. Ryan's parents, who I had grown to love and care for over the years, seem defeated. Ryan's father is recovering from his stroke and his mother is a frail silhouette of skin and bones due to her cancer. The air hung heavy within the walls of that house. It was clear, seeing them continue to smoke and drink, that they had given up on surviving for Ryan, who is bound to his wheelchair and Ryan's brother, who works to support the whole family.
Already, was it painful to have heard about the death of my old friend Gene, which was another reason as to why I had returned to Florida.
I was too afraid to ask before, but I had to know, "Was it intentional?"
"Karen, he tied a plastic bag over his face. He just wasn't the same anymore..." Ana responded, her voice quivering.
The Gene I had known was beautiful, timid, and compassionate. Over the years, he became distant, eccentrically inappropriate, and borderline schizophrenic. Most of our friends could no longer bear to be around him and his mind saw no improvement. Still, I cannot fathom how it could have resulted to this... As if someone were playing a joke, to hear that another friend of mine, Al, had been diagnosed schizophrenia as well and was locked up in a mental institution for attempting suicide, was absolutely demoralizing.
The drive through my hometown was strange; visiting my family and the house was even more so. I feel like a guest in the house I grew up in and all the belongings in my room, don't feel like mine anymore. My only solace is spending time my pets, especially my cat Haru, who I had personally raised since he was a kitten. Despite this, I find myself becoming frustrated with a de novo debate about whether or not to take him traveling with me. He has grown twice his size since I saw him last and it is saddening to think of all the days I had missed out on his upbringing.
That night, I lay in bed pensive. I pondered on how things were simultaneously the same and different. My room looks the same, but the way I felt in it was different. My parents are the same people, but their guilt about the way they treated when I left, makes them treat me differently now. I hung out with my friends in the same way I did before, but they are a little different too--more mature. My hometown is still the same boring suburbia, except instead of being a local, I am a visitor. Florida is the same hot and humid state I remember it, but I'm more sensitive to the climate here than I was before I left. Ryan's family is the same family as before, except burdened by more hardship. I close my eyes and I see Gene's face the same as I last saw him; but I know it's different now that he's gone and I stop myself from reaching over to my phone to call him.
That's when I realize... I just see old memories everywhere I look and familiar faces who have moved on with their lives. I don't live here anymore. My life belongs to the road now and it's time to leave once more.
"KAICHU!" yelped my best friend Ana who frantically ran up to me for a hug. Out stepped my other good friend Chris, and after our hugs, we piled into the car heading towards my friend Ryan's house to meet up with the rest of my friends who awaited my return.
It was like I had never left as I laughed the night away with my old friends... Yet, I couldn't help but feel I have slipped into a dream. Things are undeniably different. Ryan's parents, who I had grown to love and care for over the years, seem defeated. Ryan's father is recovering from his stroke and his mother is a frail silhouette of skin and bones due to her cancer. The air hung heavy within the walls of that house. It was clear, seeing them continue to smoke and drink, that they had given up on surviving for Ryan, who is bound to his wheelchair and Ryan's brother, who works to support the whole family.
Already, was it painful to have heard about the death of my old friend Gene, which was another reason as to why I had returned to Florida.
I was too afraid to ask before, but I had to know, "Was it intentional?"
"Karen, he tied a plastic bag over his face. He just wasn't the same anymore..." Ana responded, her voice quivering.
The Gene I had known was beautiful, timid, and compassionate. Over the years, he became distant, eccentrically inappropriate, and borderline schizophrenic. Most of our friends could no longer bear to be around him and his mind saw no improvement. Still, I cannot fathom how it could have resulted to this... As if someone were playing a joke, to hear that another friend of mine, Al, had been diagnosed schizophrenia as well and was locked up in a mental institution for attempting suicide, was absolutely demoralizing.
The drive through my hometown was strange; visiting my family and the house was even more so. I feel like a guest in the house I grew up in and all the belongings in my room, don't feel like mine anymore. My only solace is spending time my pets, especially my cat Haru, who I had personally raised since he was a kitten. Despite this, I find myself becoming frustrated with a de novo debate about whether or not to take him traveling with me. He has grown twice his size since I saw him last and it is saddening to think of all the days I had missed out on his upbringing.
That night, I lay in bed pensive. I pondered on how things were simultaneously the same and different. My room looks the same, but the way I felt in it was different. My parents are the same people, but their guilt about the way they treated when I left, makes them treat me differently now. I hung out with my friends in the same way I did before, but they are a little different too--more mature. My hometown is still the same boring suburbia, except instead of being a local, I am a visitor. Florida is the same hot and humid state I remember it, but I'm more sensitive to the climate here than I was before I left. Ryan's family is the same family as before, except burdened by more hardship. I close my eyes and I see Gene's face the same as I last saw him; but I know it's different now that he's gone and I stop myself from reaching over to my phone to call him.
That's when I realize... I just see old memories everywhere I look and familiar faces who have moved on with their lives. I don't live here anymore. My life belongs to the road now and it's time to leave once more.
