EphemeralStick
Andie of the House of Queer
Ugh, I've been meaning to type this out for awhile now but I've been so jaded about my whole situation that it just feels like a chore. At any rate here I go.
As some of you know, I was spending a whole lot of time in LA these past few months. I was living on my boyfriend and his best friend's school bus. It was an awesome time for a while, that is until it all started to fall to shit. My boy and I started fighting a lot, well, more than a lot. Then in May my grandmother passed. It was very abrupt and I had to fly out to Texas for the funeral. Upon my return I was hit with some unpleasant news. The guys talked it over and decided that I was no longer welcome to stay on the bus. The reason being that our relationship was getting in the way of my boyfriend's ambitions to be a musician. It was decided that it would be best for our relationship if I didn't stay with them. That is to say it was decided without any of input from me.
So, I took it in stride and left. I packed my bag and headed north to Oregon to visit my best friend who moved there. She welcomed me in with open arms. After about a week of smoking weed and playing video games I decided to head off again to visit Seattle for the pride parade. All the while things between me and the boyfriend were strained. We didn't break up, opting instead to try our hand at a long distance relationship. That didn't go so well since he put minimal effort into keeping in contact. While hanging with some friends he and I got into a massive fight about it over the phone which ended in him saying he would try harder.
So I started to get depressed. This was the second time this year that other people decided for me that I could no longer live in the place where I was. My best friend decided to try and cheer me up. She was heading back to Chicagoland to visit family and friends and decided to invite me along. I decided to go for it, after all, seeing all my old friends and my family would be fun and could probably get my out of my funk. She also promised to drive me back out west, which was awesome since the last thing I wanted was to get stuck in Chicago all over again.
So we got here around the beginning of the month. She went off to spend time with her family and I went off to spend time with mine. While I was enjoying good company I got a call from the boyfriend. The news was anything but good. He decided to break up with me. His reasoning was that he needs to work on himself and isn't in a place for relationship, take that as you will. He told me that I'd be better off staying in Chicago. Obviously I was upset. Incredibly upset. I texted my best friend about and she called him an asshole and assured me that everything would be okay.
No, everything would not be okay. Two days later I get text from her saying that she wants space and has decided to leave me in Chicago. Bombshell right? You think you know a person and.... well I guess you never do.
So here I am, back to square one and miserably depressed. Coming back here was a terrible idea, I should have known better but I guess I just wanted so much to stop feeling so shitty about myself but that just got me into further hot water. Now everyone, family and friends alike, are telling me that I should stay here and get a job and work to save up to leave. The idea of that just sends me spiraling into further depression. I hate this city and everything about it. I hate that everyone here just wants me to stay without giving any thought to how I feel about it.
I know I have to leave soon otherwise I'll just end up getting sucked into the vortex of hell that is this forsaken city. I know that I can leave, it's just hard when all the people I care about want me to stay, especially when I'm this depressed. Even if I were to hit the road I'm kind of not wanting to just aimlessly wander anymore. I feel like I need some sort direction in my life to keep me from going crazy, I just don't know what that is.
I was thinking of just getting a cheap bicycle and just riding off into the sunset, but I'm not sure if I have what it takes. Ever since this whole boyfriend/best friend ordeal I've just been finding myself lacking in the confidence department. It feels pretty pathetic to be whining about it on here but I feel like you all are the ones who will really understand. Not really looking for sympathy or pity or anything. I think I just needed to get all of this off my chest.
As some of you know, I was spending a whole lot of time in LA these past few months. I was living on my boyfriend and his best friend's school bus. It was an awesome time for a while, that is until it all started to fall to shit. My boy and I started fighting a lot, well, more than a lot. Then in May my grandmother passed. It was very abrupt and I had to fly out to Texas for the funeral. Upon my return I was hit with some unpleasant news. The guys talked it over and decided that I was no longer welcome to stay on the bus. The reason being that our relationship was getting in the way of my boyfriend's ambitions to be a musician. It was decided that it would be best for our relationship if I didn't stay with them. That is to say it was decided without any of input from me.
So, I took it in stride and left. I packed my bag and headed north to Oregon to visit my best friend who moved there. She welcomed me in with open arms. After about a week of smoking weed and playing video games I decided to head off again to visit Seattle for the pride parade. All the while things between me and the boyfriend were strained. We didn't break up, opting instead to try our hand at a long distance relationship. That didn't go so well since he put minimal effort into keeping in contact. While hanging with some friends he and I got into a massive fight about it over the phone which ended in him saying he would try harder.
So I started to get depressed. This was the second time this year that other people decided for me that I could no longer live in the place where I was. My best friend decided to try and cheer me up. She was heading back to Chicagoland to visit family and friends and decided to invite me along. I decided to go for it, after all, seeing all my old friends and my family would be fun and could probably get my out of my funk. She also promised to drive me back out west, which was awesome since the last thing I wanted was to get stuck in Chicago all over again.
So we got here around the beginning of the month. She went off to spend time with her family and I went off to spend time with mine. While I was enjoying good company I got a call from the boyfriend. The news was anything but good. He decided to break up with me. His reasoning was that he needs to work on himself and isn't in a place for relationship, take that as you will. He told me that I'd be better off staying in Chicago. Obviously I was upset. Incredibly upset. I texted my best friend about and she called him an asshole and assured me that everything would be okay.
No, everything would not be okay. Two days later I get text from her saying that she wants space and has decided to leave me in Chicago. Bombshell right? You think you know a person and.... well I guess you never do.
So here I am, back to square one and miserably depressed. Coming back here was a terrible idea, I should have known better but I guess I just wanted so much to stop feeling so shitty about myself but that just got me into further hot water. Now everyone, family and friends alike, are telling me that I should stay here and get a job and work to save up to leave. The idea of that just sends me spiraling into further depression. I hate this city and everything about it. I hate that everyone here just wants me to stay without giving any thought to how I feel about it.
I know I have to leave soon otherwise I'll just end up getting sucked into the vortex of hell that is this forsaken city. I know that I can leave, it's just hard when all the people I care about want me to stay, especially when I'm this depressed. Even if I were to hit the road I'm kind of not wanting to just aimlessly wander anymore. I feel like I need some sort direction in my life to keep me from going crazy, I just don't know what that is.
I was thinking of just getting a cheap bicycle and just riding off into the sunset, but I'm not sure if I have what it takes. Ever since this whole boyfriend/best friend ordeal I've just been finding myself lacking in the confidence department. It feels pretty pathetic to be whining about it on here but I feel like you all are the ones who will really understand. Not really looking for sympathy or pity or anything. I think I just needed to get all of this off my chest.
