# Amor/Humor



## theflatoftheland (May 12, 2011)

Sometime between eating donuts from the dumpster last night in San Jose and stepping off of an airplane in San Francisco a week ago, I was on my knees in front of Whole Foods, begging my ex-girlfriend to take me back. I hadnâ€™t seen her for eight months. The last thing she had said to me was a text message sent a month ago, reading, â€œFUCK U. I NEVER WANT TO SEE U AGAIN.â€

_Whatever_, I thought, _sheâ€™s just playing hard to get_.

So, realizing that I was probably in love or something, I decided that Iâ€™d fly out to her. I thought if she could just see me in person, her heart would melt; I thought she would give up the act. As I sat on the airplane, I fantasized about our reunion. I imagined it to be something like that scene from _The Notebook_ that they put on the cover of the movie, the one where theyâ€™re making out in the rain. I guess it had been a lonely summer.

After I landed in California, I spent the next few days pestering her with text messages and having my calls incessantly forwarded. Finally, though, after leaving enough pathetic and depressing voicemails, she couldn't resist my seduction anymore; she agreed to meet with me. It was right in the middle of the lunch hour rush when I decided to make my move.

â€œPlease, _please_,â€ I whispered between sniffles as snot and tears made a mess on my face.

We were in Cupertino, the heart of Silicon Valley. There wasnâ€™t a better place in the world that I could be doing this. We were surrounded by Apple employees shoving organic salad down their throats and distracting themselves on their iPads. They seemed to be enjoying my performance, though. I was hoping that if I tried hard enough, I could even get an applause.

I mustered all of my strength, anguish, and pain, pulling it deep from the pit of my stomach. I opened my big, brown, beautiful eyes and gave her the best sad, little, puppy dog face anyone has ever seen. It was great having an audience; I was really reaching my full potential. My lip even started to quiver. You would have been amazed at my attention to detail â€“ a true artist. I even thought I heard a guy sobbing, but I turned to realize that he was only choking on a piece of lettuce.

_Egomaniac_, I thought as I stared at him. _I didn't wait eight months and fly three-thousand miles to have some attention whore ruin this for me now._

I turned back to my ex-girlfriend and really laid it on this time. The tears were really flowing now. I was starting to get concerned that she might just think I was overacting.

â€œI _n-n-need_ you,â€ I whimpered.

Surely, I had won her over with that. Surely, I had won them all over. I was already planning out my acceptance speech in my head and how I would be sure to thank all of those wonderful and inspiring customers of Whole Foods, Cupertino.

â€œI couldnâ€™t have done it without you!â€ I would say with a crooked smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye.

I looked back up, all bleary-eyed, squeezed her hands, and gazed into her eyes like a little, lost puppy. There was no way she could say â€œnoâ€ to me now. She was feeling my sorrow deep in her soul. She was regretting all those forwarded calls and â€œFUCK Uâ€ texts.

But instead of accepting me, or giving me any feedback at all, she just kind of stared at me.

I think she was bored.

â€œAre you almost done?â€ she asked, checking her phone. â€œMy dadâ€™s going to be here any minute.â€

As she flipped her hair back and gazed around at everyone watching us, I was reminded of everything I hated about California. Before I could even open my mouth to respond, an SUV pulled up behind her in the parking lot and honked itâ€™s horn. It was her dad.

â€œYou should go home,â€ she said as she stood up to leave. â€Youâ€™re just going to hurt yourself being out here.â€

I watched her get into the car and shut the door. My watery eyes could barely follow them as they left the parking lot and drove out of sight .

I thought about running after her. I really did. I thought about writing her love songs and leaving sweet notes on her car. I thought about settling down for once and cultivating a nice little love nest that we could call â€œhome.â€ I thought about showering everyday, buying a car, buying a house, getting a real nice 9-5 job, not eating out of Targetâ€™s dumpster so much, not sleeping on her friends' floors so much. I thought about being dependable. I thought of a whole list of things to change about myself.

Then I thought about the last two years. I almost vomited. There reaches a certain point when you just canâ€™t give anymore, a point when you just give up. I decided to forget about the whole thing. I wiped my eyes, got on my bike, and started to ride. When I got back to my room, I made a vow to stay productive and to focus on more important things. I picked up the copy of the city paper on my dresser, opened it to the page with the hookers, and began to jerk off madly.


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## Eadoin (May 12, 2011)

thats was pretty amazing hahahahaha


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## stove (May 12, 2011)

aint love grand


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## Diagaro (May 12, 2011)

Didn't read whole thing only "FUCK YOU i NEVER WANNA SEE YOU AGAIN" and comming to beg on your hands and knees and heres my assessment . . .
You are a weak and cowardly dog and deserve such treatment as you may or may not have gotten - fortune favors the brave. 
weak men beg, strong men demand. that witch cannot be had whats needed by moral means should be pried from rigor mortis stiffened fingers!

Ok now before having committed to posting this snide reply I have finished reading. Maybe this day was the best day of your life, the day that you realized that you just elevated a total cunts ego to star nibbling heights and that you had degraded yourself and not even been paid for your efforts. perhaps you will become something great now and stop sniveling like a mongrel dog with sand in its eyes . . .


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## Deleted member 125 (May 21, 2011)

...what the fuck was the point of this story did i miss something?


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## Earth (May 21, 2011)

I just went through something similar, although with a different ending. 
2900 miles heals all wounds........


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## dprogram (Jul 18, 2011)

Is there a "diskike" button? At least you can try to grow up and be a man. Do you know how many women are out there in this big beautiful world? I'd have kept that story to myself. Too emo. Throw in "Indestructible" by Rancid and move on bro.


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## Alaska (Jul 18, 2011)

Wow, I am assuming some people don't understand the story.

Anyways, fucking hilarious stuff. Reminds me of my first love.


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## meathook (Jul 20, 2011)




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## shiftingGEARS (Jul 21, 2011)

funny stuff


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## dirtydouglas (Apr 4, 2022)

lol


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