# Why I left Minneapolis / travels / insanity



## mandapocalypse (Jul 22, 2011)

Hey... I wrote this a month or so ago,
it's my column for PROFANE EXISTENCE #62
You can pick up your copy via *http://www.profaneexistence.com Or even view it for free on the site.*

*Hard copies are FREE at collectives, record stores, etc.*


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## mandapocalypse (Jul 22, 2011)

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It seemed that last year I was gone more than at home. I spent a month in the jungle living on a macadamia nut farm in Hawaii, went on a near month long tour with friends COGNITIVE DISSONANCE and SECURICOR, went to Chaos in Tejas, and took a bunch of mini-road trips with friends to punk shows in Chicago, Milwaukee, Madison, etc. Even near Minneapolis I was going camping outside the city and adventuring along the river. Basically, was gallivanting all over my home city and the country just craving new experiences, always wanting more. I'm impatient as hell and cant sit still. I just want to learn, experience, and do. Always on the go, never stopping, never slowing down.

Besides very brief stints in Seattle, WA, Austin, TX, and a small town in Minnesota with my grandparents when I lost my mind, Minneapolis has been home base for my entire existence. I love that city and know it very well, however, even when trying to fight the urge to leave, I knew I was done. Aching for new scenery, bored with the same landscape. Sick of walking into a place, and someone knowing or recognizing me from somewhere. Sick of small talk, bored with the "Do you know so-and-so?" game. I love booking shows, but was sick of peoples judgement when I put myself out there. Was sick of shit talkers, drugs, and the same old boring conversation. Sick of people talking about what could be better, but then never acting on it. Is there a such thing as being too involved? My involvement in community projects, DIY, punk, and activism were exceeding the hours I slept. I didn't sleep. My passion was wearing thin. I needed some time off. Time to think. Time to be alone. Time to get to know myself. Time to re arrange my priorities and gain a new perspective, cuz' even the very full schedule of my life was leaving me empty and lonely at the end of the day.
I didn't want to burn out or grow jaded. I never want to burn out or grow jaded. I hoped to run away long enough I could figure out what I was running from, if anything at all. I didn't know where the fuck I was going, I just knew I needed to get there.

So I gave most of my belongings away, packed the rest up, and left. The last show I booked in Minneapolis was my last night in town. Streetwalker, The Skuds, Nuklear Blast Suntan, and Cognitive Dissonance played a great show. I knew in my heart this would be the last time for maybe a while I would see the people I'm closest with. Tears tried to escape my eyes as hugs from friends diminished. I knew I'd see them again someday. I joined up with NUKLEAR BLAST SUNTAN on their tour for a couple dates and caught a ride with them down South, backpack on my shoulders, living free, destination unknown.

After a near death experience hopping a freight train to Atlanta, I decided I'd switch to hitchhiking for awhile. Hitchhiking through the South was absurd. This was my first legitimate time spent in the South. (Texas and Florida apparently don't count!) It was nightfall when me & this ukelele playing kid I met in a train yard in Augusta, GA got dropped off in backwoods Mississippi after a long day of hitching, all the way from central Alabama. We were wasting time sitting outside a gas station, singing old blues songs, and attempting to score a ride. We were about to go find a spot in the trees near the highway to camp out for the night, when a woman comes out of the Pizza shop nearby and was like, "Ya'll need a place to stay? Ya'll can take a shower and get something to eat at my place!" Without hesitation we agreed. We had to wait a bit for her to get off work, but when she came out again we got in her car and the adventure to where we were staying for the night began. It seemed to be miles and miles of dirt roads, surrounded by swamps and trees, and no lights before we approached her living quarters. We even hit an armadillo on the way. That was the first time I saw one in real life. We got to her house, full moon gleaming bright, thick woods all around, some sort of creature howling in the background, humidity so thick it was like taking a drink of water when you breathed in the air. We approach the door and before we could step inside she says "Wait out here for a minute", and locks the door behind her. Sketchy? Should we get the fuck out of here? What is she doing??! Luckily, for entertainment she had a trampoline in her yard, and we passed the time jumping on that for about a half an hour or so. When she finally comes outside, she invited us in. It was a comfy little cottage with air conditioning and proper sleeping arrangements. She went on to explain she was a lesbian and apologized for taking so long to clean up the mess of dildos that were scattered everywhere from the swingers party she hosted the night before. INTERESTING! Cool! Not a serial killer! Sweet! She had a chocolate fondue fountain and we spent the evening dipping strawberries and pretzels in it, chatting, and she even popped opened a bottle of champagne for us to indulge in. Passing out for a minute it seemed,she woke us up at the crack of dawn, drove us about 40 miles outside of New Orleans and dropped us off. We caught an easy ride again hitching, a straight shot into the French Quarter. Living the life! That ukelele playing boy from West Virginia and I parted ways, and I haven't seen him since. Oh, the friends you meet on the road.

From there, the very open "plan" was going up the West coast, stopping in various cities to visit friends, get to Seattle and do some sea life conservation work, get back to Hawaii, meet up with my best friend and go with him to Indonesia, and eventually meet up with an old friend in Australia whose been studying tropical diseases, being a pirate, and working with indigenous tribes. Basically, was traveling with no intention to stop or slow down as far as I could see it. I was in Austin, Texas, at the comfort of one of my favorite humans, (and his dog!) house, when I woke up to a phone call that for the first time in months made me look back. "We found J.P. dead on the floor, in a pool of vomit this morning.... everyone is freaking out, this is not good." An insane sense of surrealism took over, the only thoughts I had were "WHATTHEFUCK!??? This can't be real!!!!", and "How do I get back home? NOW." It took a few days of bullshit to make enough money for a bus ticket to Minneapolis, but I got there as soon as I could. Needless to say, it was the longest bus ride ever.


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## mandapocalypse (Jul 22, 2011)

(continued..)

Got back to Minneapolis and it was far gloomier than I remembered. I stayed around for J.P.s memorial and wanted to be there for friends, but almost instantly I was again consumed by grief, sadness, insomnia, alcoholism, and drugs, ....the nightmare continued. I still needed a change of scenery. I didn't want to be back there. The frozen tundra and the all too familiar faces, even when not seeing them for months, was sucking me down a hole of nihilism, hatred, and apathy I did not want to jump into. I had no idea where to go at that point. Was planning an escape, but an unlikely call led me up North to my mothers place of residency. My mother and I have had a very rocky relationship but have always been connected in spirit. I have a 16 year old brother I never see, so, I decided to go visit them before I took off again, wanting to get to know them a bit better. Planned on a quick 2 day visit, but ended up staying there for about 3 weeks, going through terrible withdrawals and sobering up in an alienated, small town. I cried a lot. Dealing with all the pains and grief of a dear, fallen friend, my own madness, and trying to rebuild a crumbled relationship with my birth family. When I left, she kindly mentioned that when I first arrived, my skin was green, and I wasn't looking too good, that she never had to worry about me, but for the first time was very worried. Yeah, I was drinking a lot of four loko and mad dog and other cheap alcoholic bullshit on the road, quite often. Also, being veg isn't necessarily hard on the road, I would say, but dumpstered, scavenged, and "gas station" food lacks a well-varied substance of nutrients. I was looking very, very rough around the edges!

When I left her house, I'd been talking to a dear friend I made whilst traveling, from Birmingham, Alabama. We grew very close after our crazy encounters in the South and then over phone conversations. Looking back, it was one of those crazy "love at first site" kind of things, but I swore to myself not to date or get "involved" with anyone til' I was at least 30, which is a few years off. Motorheads "Rock-n-Roll" was my fucking anthem!_ I've got rock-n-roll, it satisfies my soul, and if that's all their is, it ain't so bad! ROCK-N-ROLL!_ But goddamnit, that boy from the South kept melting my cold, black heart til' I had no choice but to let myself give in. Life is too short, why not?

So, I've spent the past 5 months here in Alabama, and I love my life right now. SO many great cities nearby, as well. I'm in love with old rock-n-roll and blues, it's been amazing traveling to the places where much of this was birthed. I craved a fresh start from scratch and an epic challenge. It's been just that, fucking challenging! Trying to make this town punk as fuck. There aren't many punks here, but there's a few weird-o's here and there who are supportive.You really have to work and put a lot of effort in getting events together here, results are not instant. I'm learning patience!!! We moved into a giant house, rent being insanely cheap down here and spent about 30 hours digging up the basement to make it possible to do shows and play music! It's called HELMS DEEP! Come visit! Booked a few shows here already. Been doing FOOD NOT BOMBS every Sunday and feeding about 50-100 homeless people every week. I've got a great garden going, full of strawberries, veggies, peppers, and herbs! Growing your own food RULES! Fresh herbs everyday, making teas/oils/potions, up the witch punx! The scenery here is amazing. So much to explore! Abandoned buildings everywhere, beautiful landscapes, tons of caves and interesting things to look at! We have a sweet puppy dog that definitely lifts many bad moods. Dumpster diving nearly every day, so much treasure! Been crafting and making tons of art, working out of my house. Learning to play guitar and bass, trying to get a band going. I've got home brew cider in the works! Been productive as hell, doing and learning about things I love. Again, thirsty for life! Fuck yeah.

Let's write?
[email protected]


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## plagueship (Jul 23, 2011)

March to Helms Deep. leave none alive. TO WAR!!!


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## godsahn (Dec 12, 2011)

Awesome story. 

If you get a chance to catch Alabama Getaway....do it

http://aurgasm.us/


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## BobbinGoblin (Dec 13, 2011)

YES!


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