# Polyamory



## christianarchy

(I've read a few posts about polyamory but there's no thread on it yet)
While I am sure it's not for me, the concept of polyamory interests me quite a bit, but confuses me as well.
Also interested in the concept of "relationship anarchy," but I really don't know much about it, how similar it is to polyamory, etc.
Whether you practice polyamory or not; what would you say is it's purpose? Would the world be better off if everyone practiced it (or was okay with their partners practicing it?)?
Also interested in hearing stories of how practicing polyamory went for certain people. Did it bum you out, or not? What did it accomplish?
Looking forward to hearing from you guys.
-Christopher


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## UrbanNokizaru

I actually just read a zine about poly and I'm about to start a book called "The Ethical Slut" that seems to be about poly. It's something I want to at least try since before I found out about it I was never really happy with the standards and rules that came with being in a boyfriend/girlfriend thing.


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## christianarchy

UrbanNokizaru said:


> I actually just read a zine about poly and I'm about to start a book called "The Ethical Slut" that seems to be about poly. It's something I want to at least try since before I found out about it I was never really happy with the standards and rules that came with being in a boyfriend/girlfriend thing.


As you get into it, pass on if the books worth picking up and maybe some info from it?
Out of curiousity, what standards/rules in the significant other thing are you referring to?


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## uppercunt

UrbanNokizaru said:


> I actually just read a zine about poly and I'm about to start a book called "The Ethical Slut" that seems to be about poly. It's something I want to at least try since before I found out about it I was never really happy with the standards and rules that came with being in a boyfriend/girlfriend thing.



I stayed with 2 girls in Minneapolis who constantly raved about "The Ethical Slut". I've noticed Minneapolis being a hotbed of polyamory.


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## Gudj

I'm sure you'll hear this alot: Polyamory is super rad when it works, but it's really hard to make work. 

I don't know what relationship anarchy means. 


I don't know if polyamory has a "point" to it other than being a type of relationship that works better than monogamous ones for some people. I always get annoyed when kids my age or younger are talking about how they are going to be monogamous with their partner forever. 9/10 times (or probably less), that isn't true. They break up or see other people or whatever. 
My deal is that I have a partner who I really really love and _do_ want to be with forever, however, I know that we would not be together forever if we could only be with each other. One of us would screw it up and sleep with someone else out of boredom or by mistake (and why the fuck does sleeping with someone else grounds for auto-termination of a relationship in 'normie' world?). Or, we would eventually get burned out and need a break from eachother. Or we would get in fights and maybe break up for good. Or one of us would get jealous and act shitty. Or even if none of that happened, we would both be missing out on a big part of our youths by being monogamous. We would miss out on relationships, and alot of other adventures to, feeling like we have already found the ONE person to be with. 
I personally am alot less outgoing when in a monogamous relationship. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of my partner getting unreasonably jealous, or maybe it's because I'm a pervert who can't meet somebody without thinking about them sexually... I don't know. 

...this is probably my most personal and rambling post so far.. sorry.

In conclusion, I am poly because it seems like the best (if not only) way for me to be in a long-term relationship without it falling apart or becoming miserable.


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## christianarchy

Thanks for the reply Gudj! You explain well the idea of polyamory being means to stay committed to someone (an oxymoron to the simple-minded).
If you don't mind me asking, has your partner being with other people ever made you feel crumby? Have sexual relations with people other than your main partner been unsatisfying, to the point where you regretted them?
Also, would you say that the person in a monogamous relationship who is "a pervert who can't meet somebody without thinking about them sexually" should therefore be practicing polyamory? Or can monogamous relationships be right for people with much lust?
-Christopher


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## Gudj

Yes there was one case where my partner being with someone else was shitty. And there have been times when my actions have made them feel shitty to. No system is perfect, and we learn from our mistakes just like everyone else. But also, we make sacrifices like everyone else. My partner has regretted sleeping with somebody else once, but it's not a common feeling for either of us. There is virtually no guilt, especially compared to monogamous relationships. 
I would say yes to your question about my hypothetical pervert, but that would make me sound like a shithead. Taking a second to think about it, that person should decide what type of relationship is healthiest for them, as long as it's safe for everyone involved, and fucking do it. Although that's easier said than done sometimes, with such factors as ridicule from peers ("slut!"), artifacts of childhood religious brainwashing (no offence to you personally), and just societies habit of presenting monogamous relationships as the only option (except for m/f/f 3 way scenes in college bro movies).


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## Monkeywrench

My girlfriend and I are both very much anarchist, and very much in an open relationship with set parameters and "agreements", since we're no fan of "rules". 

I'm going to be honest, coming from a background where I used to being strictly monogamous and throwing an absolute shitfit when there was any hint of "betrayal", it was pretty upsetting the first time she slept with someone else. But then again, it was something we hadn't discussed and pretty much assumed--being as radical as we are. 

I get the same fallacy from everyone when I tell them:
"Oh yeah, polyamory is great... when it works out. But it never does." ..Yeah. 

We're into each other. We share an emotional intimacy and don't believe we're each other's property or wish to police our desires according to any sort of sexual binary, or society's assumed gender roles. As long we're safe about it, and keep each other informed of what we've been up to, everything's cool. 

It's like any other relationship. I love it. It works for us. But I can imagine how taxing it might be on others. It's not for everyone. My 2 cents.


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## UrbanNokizaru

christianarchy said:


> As you get into it, pass on if the books worth picking up and maybe some info from it?
> Out of curiousity, what standards/rules in the significant other thing are you referring to?



I'll put the book up in the download zone later. In terms of rules/standards I don't like the idea that you can't enjoy yourself with one person if you enjoy yourself with someone else, I feel that so many people restrict themselves needlessly because of the social standard that what feels natural is actually wrong. So many people I've talked (not just guys) to will tell me that they have to not pursue their desires because of some boyfriend/girlfriend across the country or some relationship that's going stale or even when things are just fine but they wouldn't mind trying something with someone else as well.


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## Rash L

i've been in an open ('swinger") relationship before... we traveled together, we both considered ourselves bisexual, and if we felt like sleeping with someone else (or a number of someone else's) we did it together. I'm not completely sure about him, but for me I trusted 100% that he loved me at the time and wouldnt be running off with someone else who had bigger tits or a smaller waist or more money/a car/a house and I never got jealous. When we started dating I thought that a lack of monogamy would be a huge problem for me, but I never felt insecure, and spent more time worrying if HE would get jealous than worrying about him leaving me. Now when I date guys and tell them this they go around looking for single girls to get me to have 3somes with (most whom I'm not attracted to) and it feels forced and fake most of the time which turns me completely off.... so I think its all about what feels right and being able to not only voice your feelings but trusting your significant other to respect those feelings, speak the truth and back off if need be. 

but then, really, what do I know? haha
relationships have always been kind of a clumsy mysterious thing for me, and I doubt that will change anytime soon. I'm just learning as I go along....

One last thing -- USE CONDOMS!


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## maemovesmadlyon

I've explored polyamorous relationships in the past, and I've found that 2/3 times they didn't work. I don't often get jealous of my partners, and I find I can be emotionally/physically connected with more than one person at a time with quite a bit of ease. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for my significant other. I've openly discussed the idea of "free love" and polyamory with whoever I'm in a relationship with, but I've had to curb my talk with the last few partners because it makes them uncomfortable/they get jealous just thinking about me with someone else/can't get the word "cheater" out of their minds. For me, polyamory works, and it works well. That being said, it's a two-way street. If the other person can't handle it, then I drop the subject and enjoy who I'm with.


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## BUMJUG

i am on the same level as gudj.....tho i feel and belive in both poly and mono....it is purely circumstantial...depends on the person.....our sexual dealings with others are confusing and complex to me...i tend to just let whatever happen with little emphasis on one side or the other....


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## stove

I'm in an open relationship now, and it's great. It works for us because we're of similarly...curious minds, and yet have different roles in life. she's a white-collar professional whom has a job to attend to, I travel. I made it clear from the start that travel is my passion, my love, and I will always leave; she had no problem with that, and i damn near fell for her right then and there. 

the first time she told me about having slept with someone, I was happy that she was comfortable enough to do so. The first time I told her that I had, she got jealous and a little pissed off. We talked about it, worked some things out, and came to an understanding. 

The key, as many will say, is honesty- complete and total transparency. that being said, as she told me "the hardest truth is the morning after" (something like that). It's not easy for some people to acknowledge that, but it's a real fact. if you can establish boundaries, and abide by them, the possibilities are endless.


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## Veil of reality

My g/f and I have been real happy hooking up with other couples on occasion and we've been together 4 years. Never had any problems or jealousy. We fuss more about money and chores...the usual bullshit.

In fact, knowing that is something we can share is what kept us together because its hard to find.

My friends in traditional relationships are so sexually repressed I honestly feel bad for them. All they talk about is sex because in my opinion it's not natural only having it with one person for years on end.

We never had a book instructing us what to do...its pretty obvious.

It's always both of us together.
People don't contact me or her individually...they speak to us.

In my opinion it appears the masses have a tragic misconception of how sexuality works.


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## cozmic

I have been wanting to explore polyamory. Mostly because I found myself loving other people in my past relationships. But I could not do anything about it because I was already in a long-term monogamous relationship. Now I find myself leaning towards it even more because I like to be with multiple genders (sexually).


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## Franny

I personally feel that polyamory is more "natural" than monogamy, at least for me. For a lot of the reasons that Gudj mentioned, I have a primary partner and am open to others (both for me and my partner). I can't imagine having a relationship as strong and long lasting as what I have being monogamous. Everyone is different though. I think it's important to allow yourself to explore things that are new. If they don't work for you, leave them behind.

Don't get me wrong, polyamory has its problems. There's still jealousy and fighting and hurt feelings now and then. But being truthful and caring are ideals that I strive for. I don't always succeed. Like everyone, I'm a work in progress.


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## veganscout

Stove-I hear ya! I met my partner while I was on the road & she knows that even though I happened to fall in love along the way, I have to keep on travelin'. We are in a polyamorous ( / bisexual on my par) relationship & although it was new to her, its working wonderfully.


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## veganscout

...and I meant to type PART, not par lol


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## Wolfeyes

I have a poly relationship with someone, I hate it, and she doesn't like it much either, but she's convinced it's the best she can get(We both have our problems that I won't get into)

No matter what we say to each other, neither of us can shake the feeling of betrayal, as mentioned above.

Polyamory is what it is. For some people, it's great, others it's just all they can get, and for still others, it's hell on earth.


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## Drunken Hearted Man

I've tried being in a polyamorous relationship a few times, but It's never worked out. The issues we had were more a lack of communication than anything else. I think it could have worked if both of us had communicated with each other better, however neither of us are particularly good at that. we eventually just gave up on being in any kind of relationship, we enjoy being single and the freedom that entails.


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## Gudj

As an addition to my previous thoughts:
Don't ever be in a polyamouros relationship with me. I can't do it right.


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## BlewJ

Polyamory.  If it means simply not being monogamous, then that's me, or at least I think so. My wife isn't, but I just don't feel the ability to survive one lover. I love feeling close to someone, but there are as many sexual experiences as there are people, and I feel impoverished by limitation currently.


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## MiztressWinter

that isn't quite the def of poly. poly is when you have more than one relationship at a time, be it emotional, sexual or both and all parties are aware of each other and accepting. doesn't mean they intermingle either, just that they are aware and approving. what you are is married and unsatisfied for whatever reasons and that my friend, is very unfortunate. i hope you can figure out what you want. life is short.


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## BlewJ

Okay fine, so I'm just a slut. An unethical one.


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## Medusa

This seems like an interesting idea. I haven't had the opportunity to try such a thing out. I can't say I've ever been in a real relationship before either...mainly because I'm always thinking there's somebody else better for me out there, or the guy ends up treating me like shit. So, I go on trying out different people, seeing where it leads (usually down the shitter). I don't know that polyamory would work out for me, though, come to think of it because it means having more than one relationship. I tend to just gravitate toward the person I have more feelings for, and it seems hard enough working on one relationship. I think I'd rather just stick with having fling-like things and one day be in a monogamous or open relationship. But maybe I'll try polyamory out one of these days if it's an option.


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## UrbanNokizaru

I've been in a few poly relations at this point, and I have to say if you can't communicate then it may not turn out the best. Being able to tell people when you feel shitty and when you fell great and being able to listen and all is super important. Yea aside from that it's going to be different for everyone and will be different for you with each person. I guess also make sure the people you're dealing with are actually down with poly and being able to say what they're feeling, a lot of people want to do poly but can't actually deal with it that well from what I can tell...


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## Medusa

It certainly seems like something only a very little amount of people could pull off. I find that a lot of people have trouble communicating and understanding each other and want different things.


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## xgallivantx

i think that in a way, introducing POLY into my current relationship has saved it. i get totally miserable in relationships, finding myself on 'their' schedules and in their routines...so my relationships have never lasted. As for the one I'm in now, if we hadn't 'gone poly', i would have left. i love this person but it was getting suffocating. Now we are honest with one another about our desires & its been a lot better...communication is K E Y !


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## Symphony

When I was younger, I was in a poly relationship with a guy and we had this "love triangle" type deal going on. That didn't bother me at all, because I didn't really love the guy. It was all just fun.
Recently, however, I was in a relationship with a guy for 2 1/2 years and he tried to force polygamy on me. I was a complete lovesick dumbass for this kid and would have done anything for him, and anything to be with him...But I would have to say that polyamory destroyed me for a long period of time. The idea of him going off with another woman and trying to establish some sort of relationship with them killed me. I became so jealous that anytime he would even look at another woman it would make my stomach turn. It made it very hard for me to trust him, especially going out to parties.
I left him about half a year ago and it has done nothing but lift my spirits and make me a happy person again. 
Now, I'm with a monogamous person and wouldn't have it any other way.


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## plagueship

heres my usual 2cents on this topic, based on many years of experience...


first of all there is a big trend of people in the punk/radical/etc scenes either treating polyamory like it's some kind of given or like it's more inherently 'radical' or whatever. the truth is the number of people you're fucking is almost never the real issue. the issue is that all people have fucked up issues and this always comes up in how they interact with others; there is nothing inherently more practical or applicable about monogamy, even though people relate to it as a social standard and something they grew up with hearing promoted in society. but consider how rare that is when even most married couples get divorced, or at least 'cheat', look at porn, or want to.

anyway i think in the framework of 'radical polyamory' a lot of these assumptions get transferred directly into people's new practices, but they often get talked about less and people feel taken advantage of or hurt. OR they get talked to death and people create rules and hierarchies ('agreements' and 'primary partners' etc) in order to feel more comfortable, that is, more codependent, more controlling, like they are in a monogamous relationship... how is monogamy emotionally 'safer' again? 

anyway i think it is the hypocrisy and double standards around polyamory that lead to it being the center of so much drama. again it's not the numbers. relationships are hard, they are always changing too, few people really know what they want or how to conduct themselves and i don't know anyone who hasn't been hurt or hurt someone else in the process of trying to figure it all out.


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## Born into this

- I'm polyamorous and the "purpose" is to be free, for me. People have their different reasons why they love being polyamorous. To be able to have relationships with several people that you love . It's fucking great ! No idea how the world would be different . Maybe less people would cheat on their partners though . heh . Been polyamorous for a long time now . . it's working great . You learn the power of communication, how it makes you feel better, how much you need . . all depending on what kind of intense relationships you have I suppose .


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## Born into this

- I'm polyamorous and the "purpose" is to be free, for me. People have their different reasons why they love being polyamorous. To be able to have relationships with several people that you love . It's fucking great ! No idea how the world would be different . Maybe less people would cheat on their partners though . heh . Been polyamorous for a long time now . . it's working great . You learn the power of communication, how it makes you feel better, how much you need . . all depending on what kind of intense relationships you have I suppose .


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## Earth

I never got to do the poly thing, as women tend to not like me but my last relationship was one of those new 'open' style relationships - which at first was fantastic - but after about 5 months, it felt like we were complete strangers with no reason to be together. The break up was worse than one could ever imagine - took well over a year - and has made me who I am today.
In retrospect, I give myself credit for doing my best to keep it together - but towards the end I know I was the reason she left, which is fine by me.
Wait, left is the wrong word: Fled comes much closer.....

I did briefly have a chance to have two girl friends back in 1998, one out here and one in Brooklyn NY, but me being old fashioned - I felt I had to make a choice..... and believe me, it was tough as I loved them both equally.

But today, I'd rather simply be alone.
Besides, I can always pay for it when the mood strikes


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## Loth Lorien

I was invited into the lives of two people. I was offered to play any roll I choose that would be fitting. I initially wanted just friendship with the couple because they were cool, but I really hit it off with the guy, not both of them. I started talking to him before they were dating and things got int he way and we drifted. When I finally was rid of everything and ready to hit the dating scene I messaged him. He was telling me how he was looking for a girl friend for his girl friend. I wasn't so ready to be down with that sight unseen and his reaching out instead of her, since its supposed to be about her. Now the girl I like, love, but didn't have a lot of initial attraction because most girls I have been with in the past were very out going and easy to chase. I felt a sister wives type situation would be more fitting and it seemed like it was starting to work. I tried to bail a few times because I was going nuts but it was proven to me that the bonds I had with them were important. But then the world went nuts. Everything has become my fault, I ruined everyones lives, I apparently played everyone, made everyone whores and fucked with everyones heads. Its my fault because I wasn't what anyone was looking for. 

Poly wont work if you have someone under the impression they will be a friend or toy. Pol wont work when you wants to have two equal women but have been with on longer. No relationship is the same, even if you've got 3 people living together and in bed together. Each person is different to each other and unless everyone says everything on their minds and likes each other equally it wont work.

Crazy people will always be crazy no matter what. You are crazy for thinking they will be predictable in one areas and impulsive in all the others.

Poly can work, you have to put the communication, time and effort in to make it work. Do not expect someone to just jump someone else right away because you want them to. Do not expect you own personal herum of slave ladies. Ask for them. Lay everything out, don't say you have told everything and then mention... oh btw that girl we had dinner with. She is my girl friend girl friend who I also fuck with her. But I already told you that.
"no you didn't, I had no idea. I wouldn't have cared, just would have been nice to know. I felt like I was some arm candy slave at the dinner table with everyone and now I know why. You were fooling me into it."


I have not been proven in my life that poly is worth it for me. I thought the love I had was strong enough that nothing else mattered. In some cases I'm sure this is true. In mine I think I was incorrect.


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## Nemo

The myth of monogamy.


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## Shakou

I think it depends on who you are as an individual. I don't buy the whole "humans are a polyamorous species and monogamy is unnatural and restrictive " anymore then I believe it to be the other way around. I think Humans are a very complicated species, and as a result so is our sexuality. I dabbled with polyamory years back with someone I had been head over fucking heels inlove with who was polyamorous, and he had convinced me to try it with him. I had always been in closed relationships prior to that, but it was after a huge break up with an ex, and I was going through a "fuck the world and everything else" phase. People say polyamory is suppose to make your relationship with those you're involved with stronger then those in a monogamous relationship. In the beginning, I tried convincing myself that this was the way to go and that I'd never be alone or sexually frustrated again, but after a while I found what I actually knew all along, and that's that for me adding more lovers to the mix only _diluted _the bond rather then making it stronger, and after a while I just started looking at these people more as my friends then my lovers. More of a FWB sort of deal. It wasn't a negative experience, but it was nowhere near as satisfying or as strong as the monogamous relationships I had been in over the years. I'm married now to someone who also experimented with polyamory, and came to the same conclusion long before we met. The need to be close to other people sexually isn't there for either of us. Could our marriage eventually fail? I very highly doubt it, but anything is possible . However if for some reason it ever does, I can say with total confidence it will have nothing to do with falling in love with someone else. People can argue that all they want, but the fact is I know who I am, and even with all the changes I may go through as an individual, the fact still remains that I simply don't work that way. 

However, I am very good friends with lots of people who have been involved in polyamory for years and who are very happy with it and their relationships. And that's wonderful! Everyone should feel secure and happy with what works best for them!

If you're curious about it and are wanting to see if it's your calling, by all means try it and see how you feel. If you like it, more power to ya, and if you don't, that's equally just as right and beautiful.


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## Deleted member 1802

I had a terrible experience with this idea and it forced me to realize that I had some very strange Freudian mental issues to work out. A 10 year friendship was destroyed in the name of this idea and I fear it may be years before the mental and physical damage can be undone.

Hell is other people.


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## kaichulita

Shakou said:


> I think it depends on who you are as an individual. I don't buy the whole "humans are a polyamorous species and monogamy is unnatural and restrictive " anymore then I believe it to be the other way around. I think Humans are a very complicated species, and as a result so is our sexuality. I dabbled with polyamory years back with someone I had been head over fucking heels inlove with who was polyamorous, and he had convinced me to try it with him. I had always been in closed relationships prior to that, but it was after a huge break up with an ex, and I was going through a "fuck the world and everything else" phase. People say polyamory is suppose to make your relationship with those you're involved with stronger then those in a monogamous relationship. In the beginning, I tried convincing myself that this was the way to go and that I'd never be alone or sexually frustrated again, but after a while I found what I actually knew all along, and that's that for me adding more lovers to the mix only _diluted _the bond rather then making it stronger, and after a while I just started looking at these people more as my friends then my lovers. More of a FWB sort of deal. It wasn't a negative experience, but it was nowhere near as satisfying or as strong as the monogamous relationships I had been in over the years. I'm married now to someone who also experimented with polyamory, and came to the same conclusion long before we met. The need to be close to other people sexually isn't there for either of us. Could our marriage eventually fail? I very highly doubt it, but anything is possible . However if for some reason it ever does, I can say with total confidence it will have nothing to do with falling in love with someone else. People can argue that all they want, but the fact is I know who I am, and even with all the changes I may go through as an individual, the fact still remains that I simply don't work that way.
> 
> However, I am very good friends with lots of people who have been involved in polyamory for years and who are very happy with it and their relationships. And that's wonderful! Everyone should feel secure and happy with what works best for them!
> 
> If you're curious about it and are wanting to see if it's your calling, by all means try it and see how you feel. If you like it, more power to ya, and if you don't, that's equally just as right and beautiful.



I agree with this. I think biologically, a MALE'S natural tendency is to engage in multiple sexual relations with women because it fulfills their need to pass on their genes to maintain the human population. There is no incentive for females to have multiple partners because they can only carry one baby at a time (with the exception of twins), unless that female prefers to be promiscuous. Only recently, maybe the last few centuries, have humans evolved to be monogamous and there is good reason for that. Humans evolve to better adapt to their environment and monogamy is part of that evolution. I think after a while, people start to realize that polygamy creates problems and that is why most cultures today look down upon it. Humans are emotional beings and polygamy creates problems for us mentally and socially. Raising children while in a polyamorous relationship is detrimental for the children and "dilutes" the familal bond between parent and child. Growing up, kids need a solid bond with the mother and father because it creates security and stability psychologically. This also applies between lovers. Humans have an instinctual desire to bond deeply with one significant other and having multiple partners makes it difficult to develop a strong bond with each partner. Polygamy does not fulfill this need. I have never been in a polyamorous relationship but I imagine it's like being in a close friendship among a few other people. In my experience, people always gravitate towards one person, creating couples within a group. I realized something the other day as well-- that I have never been 'in love' with more than one person at a time. I thought I did, but it always turned out that I was in love with one person and the other I just deeply cared about. As you can see, I am biased to be in favour of monogamy, but I do not doubt that some people can live a polyamorous lifestyle successfully. Each individual works differently, but I think those who feel that they can work in a polyamorous relationship are a minority. Most cultures favour monogamy because the majority of humans work better in monogamous relationships. Maybe it wasn't initially "natural", but it definitely has become " natural" nowadays in my opinion. Well, I'm done rambling. Somebody try to convince me otherwise


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## arianaholland1

Purpose of polyamory is to fuck multiple people. I would not be cool with this type of relationship personally.


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