# Relationships & the road



## soymilkshakes

A little background: I'm in a bit of a shitty situation with someone who I began dating very shortly before I left to travel, and now I'm back home and planning on leaving again, soon. The problem is that he's staying on Long Island, and I don't plan on staying around here more than necessary.. I don't wanna bore you with a little internet pity party, I'm really just interested in others' opinions on the topic:

What's your take on monogamous, or even uncommitted, relationships with people who you are not traveling with? i.e., anyone do the whole "together when we are, not when we're not" type o' thing? Completely cut ties with someone who's not going your way? Or?

Seems like it would likely happen to people who are often traveling, not staying around very long - considering most people are fairly settled.

I tend to have ideological leanings towards polyamory, but emotions usually crap on logic when it comes down to it. And, of course, the problem with not sharing a day-to-day, committed life with someone is, they'll usually find someone who will..

Anywho! Thoughts?


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## finn

Heh, I'm involved with a very career-set person (long story on how this happened), but we agreed to not be monogamous, even though we've been together for a few years now. And it's pretty much together when we are, sort of thing. You just have to find the right person. It'll be different for everyone, but just keep the lines of communication open with honesty- as in there is no real security in the relationship except for friendship, since we don't really have control over our hearts. The trick is finding the way that works for you.


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## derekja

Poly works really well for me. It only gets tough when I settle someplace for a while like I am for school right now and can't get around to see all of my spread out sweeties!


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## Benny

It sounds romantic but it's impossible to have a long distance monogamous relationship. Plus its boring as fuck. My experience is that you need to find someone who shares your interests or its going to bug you.


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## BrokeWhiteBoy

Damned emotions... they SUCK sometimes.

I think I kinda lucked out. Hella cool friend with the whole uncommitted ideals and yet also shares interest in life on the road.


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## oxy_acetylene

I was with this kid for a little over two years-- lived with him for about a year and a half. He was cool-- a real weirdo. I loved him very much. We moved into this apartment together in a terrible little burnt-out industrial town I found oppressive. He was learning to weld there. I was supposed to have a job-- but I could never stabilize myself enough to find work. If I ever considered the ends I would be working towards I became disturbed. Was this only temporary? How could I be assured if I took a job I wouldn't have to do it for the rest of my life?

One day, we went hiking. It was the most beautiful day you could ask for-- bright and mildly hot. The sun filtered through the trees and we'd just finished swimming in a slow creek. That day, for whatever reason, I was enamored with the world's vastness, and sought to have it laid at my feet. I didn't want a place to call my own-- I wanted to be cradled in the country's sweet promise of anonymity and boundless possibility.

We made our way back to civilization by way of some train tracks. He was a real foamer, presumably still is. He adored trains, and I craved escape, so I asked him if he'd like to hop with me. He thought I was joking and agreed-- but when I began to get serious he quickly changed his tune. 

What he really wanted, he told me, was the big settle-down: A job, a house, kids? He said he'd always assumed that was what I wanted, too. He had never bothered to ask, and somehow never deduced that I deplored and feared these prospects. (Or perhaps he did, and chose not to validate my feelings.) He wanted his own things, his own place in the world, carved in the sphere of permanence. It broke my heart to realize how he'd misread me, and how stubbornly he clung to the ideal of being stationary and functional-- neither of which, it turned out, he'd ever really achieve.

It killed me that he couldn't share my wishes, or even the sentiment that spurred them. It killed me that he assumed that all I'd ever wanted is the normalcy that he craved. I stayed with him for a while afterwards, always kicking around the idea of "leaving,"-- not him, specifically, but every geographical location I've ever stomped.

He beat me to the punch and left me for reasons that I'm even still afraid to speculate on. There were cracks between us for as long as I can remember, but they were split into a huge canyon by the wedge of separate desires laid plain by that day. 

The idea that we were working towards different ends fermented in each of our heads. We never felt at peace with each other. We could never respect the basic ideology of the other-- and no matter how we ended up, if one of us was happy, presumably, the other would be miserable. There was no point. We felt trapped and burdened. 

It just got to be too much.


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## Krista_LM

I believe it's all about finding what works for you. In my opinion, I find abolsultley nothing wrong with being polyamorous. But personally, it would never work for me. I just couldnt do it. 
I've been with somebody for three years now and we both agreed that when the open road becomes involved, we will remain monogamous. That's just the way we both want it to be and the only way it could work for us. We agreed to always be honest and when it comes down to it, preserve the most important thing, our friendship. But like I said, I believe it really just depends on the people, the situation, and the personal preference.
However it may be, the best of luck to you and your sweetie(s) on the road.


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## soleildegemme

It seems to me that the only way to be on the road, is to be alone--as far as romance goes. What are you escaping if you bring the things you love with you? What are you learning if you can't learn to live without your spouse? 
Leaving a loved one behind is heartbreaking, but to me, it seems to be the only way. 

But, as was previously mentioned, love usually rules out all logic and previous notions.


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## soleildegemme

Widerstand said:


> I am going to have to disagree with you on this... I have been traveling for many years now and I have had a very loving, committed relationship with my partner for over 5 years now.
> 
> I travel and she does not.
> 
> As for the statement "love usually rules out all logic" I think thats silly as can be...



I don't think it's silly. If you have predetermined ideas of how you want to live your life, even down to basic habits and rituals, you may change them to adapt to your lover. You may not. For me, those things usually happen. 

Logic, according to your personal ideals, may be ruled out. 

Everyone is different. I personally find that you're holding yourself back if you're commited to something at home.


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## bikegeek666

what i hate is being okay and having lovers in different places and being okay with that and with each of them, but there are a couple who i always miss really badly.


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## veggieguy12

It's hard, tough, difficult, troubling shit.
And it's not easy, either!
...and then you factor in traveling to the relationship?
Yeah, relationships, and Relationships + Road/Travel, ouch.
(For me.)


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## dirty_feet

hmm...I'm at a point of likening my opinion to bikegeek666's....some people just aren't equipped for monogamy, and I'm one of them. For me it's more of a lifestyle choice. I am really annoyed with the common connotation that one being incapable of monogamy justifies, or slightly equates polyamorism, or that the only other assumed capacity for love and affection in terms of exclusivity in partnerships is a polyamourous route. Meh - what do any of us know? I have some favorites, absoulutley, as well as some amazing beautiful nutbags in between. Lovers abound - you should do what you want to do, you'll always love him in your own way. It always burns when it's not what they'd like to have and share, but if you start with the fact that you really care about one another, and take it from there, with honesty, openness and respect - the love that you do share together will guide you in a direction that should be healthy and happy for the both of you - you'll figure it out.


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## maus

stop "having relationships", and just relate!

this is a really good essay that says most of what i would say on this topic:
http://www.godhaven.org.uk/agapofal.html

these are good too
http://anti-politics.net/feral-faun/economy-of-love.html
http://dwardmac.pitzer.edu/Anarchist_Archives/goldman/jealousy.html


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## Dmac

enjoy what you have when you have it, if a partner starts giving you ultimatums, it is time to go. when ultimatums appear, you are being held up against anothers expectations. the problem with expectations is that they cannot be met, for 2 reasons. 1; if you ever approach an expectation, the expectqation (or bar) will be unconciously raised by the one expecting. and 2: you are hardly ever told of your significant others expectations, untill you fall short. evan than good luck finding out!


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## katiehabits

i'm pretty new to polyamory. i tryed haveing a monogamous relationship last spring but we were in different cities & i found someone in my city that i was very attracted too. we got long really well & he knew about my other partner but so in a way we at the time were poly but.... my other partner didn't know because he wasn't useing internet at the time so i couldn't get ahold of him to tell him. & then he showed up to town...... early. he guessed right off the bat that i'd been sleeping my this other man. & boy was he pissed. he made me promise i would be monogamous to him & i really did love him so i stoped seeing my other partner. from then on they have hated each other... to this day if they end up in the same city it's almost guaranteed they will get into a fight...... & none of us are together anymore. but me & my partner where very different people & he didn't like alot of my friends. we traveled together & then i went on a quick trip with some friends of mine he didn't like & i slept with an old friend of mine i hadn't seen in a long time. i told him as soon as i saw him like within the first 5mins but he broke up with me because he couldn't deal with my polyamous nature. so now i straight up tell people as soon as we start flirting or something that i'm poly because i don't want a repeat of that relationship. i loved him lot but we had different ideals when it comes to lovers. polyamory is about communication with out it you & your lover/s will be hurt in the end.


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## soymilkshakes

maus said:


> stop "having relationships", and just relate!



I tried the un-monogamous thang with the aforementioned person, actually. My former pseudo-boyfriend agreed, he was totally not into the idea of possessive relationships either. I could and often did make a completely solid, logical case for eliminating monogamy all together; I mean, really, why should a person be able to have many varying, fulfilling-in-their-own-way friendships but not relationships? Why should your sexuality be something that your partner owns? It makes complete sense, really. But honestly, I was applying the logic only to myself and not to the possibility of him being with other people, and when it came down to it, I forgot one crucial thing: how much it fucking hurts when someone you love is in love with someone else.

I so wish I could handle uncommitted relationships but for whatever reason, no matter how much logic I pile on to it, I just can't. Can't overcome that animalistic, territorial bullshit.

And as for the person I made this thread about? In a committed relationship with some other gal. Whatevs.


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## katiehabits

soymilkshakes said:


> And as for the person I made this thread about? In a committed relationship with some other gal. Whatevs.



story of my life girl. you'll find someone.


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## LeilaniRose

I havent really been in manly relationships due to my constant traveling. Anytime Id meet a decent guy, Id move. At this point Ive just stopped looking and hope that eventually Ill meet another traveler and shitll work out. Shit like that tends to figure itself out on its own, though there is still work involved. It all depends on you.


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## logan714

I'm marred the last thing i want when i get to get out on the road or tracks is to fuck around I want to hang out with people not chicks out dudes and have some fun 

but that is just me Just because I like getting away from my wife at times does not mean i going to fuck around The last thing i need is a mother woman in my brain

logan


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## logan714

another *


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## dirty_rotten_squatter

Benny said:


> It sounds romantic but it's impossible to have a long distance monogamous relationship. Plus its boring as fuck. My experience is that you need to find someone who shares your interests or its going to bug you.



Exactly what I think. It would just be a waste of time otherwise, going for days at a time sometimes not talking, him not knowing where you are. having other opportunities pop up on the road and not being able to take them...def find someone with ur interests yo


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## Apples

If its meant to work out it'll work out. Although I feel like most (thats the key word, i'm lucky because this isnt the case for me) people wont work out in a relationship if somebody is on the road a lot.


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## Monkeywrench

I might get shit for this--but in my years of traveling, I've begun steering away from any sort of relationship with fellow travelers. I'll be road dogs, travel buddies, boxcar bff's, whatever. But it would take an exceptionally awesome girl for me to consider having something more than a friendship with them.

Been there, done that, got a t-shirt. 

We're flighty. We're restless. We've got the same stories about the same situations and you never know if this will be your last night together, or if jail or bad weather or god knows what will split you up. 

I've found getting involved with girls who aren't familiar with this lifestyle of ours is actually pretty exciting. I know kids that won't involve themselves with "housie" girls/boys at all and others that agree. Opposites attact, and all that silliness, I suppose. Personally, I enjoy short breaks from hearing about so-and-so waited for (x) train at  yard.


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## hg14

before my parents married they were friends for like yrs , and being open with someone is the best bet


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## wartomods

Out of sight, away from the heart.


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## sprout




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## dirty_rotten_squatter

LMFAO!!! Just for that post sprout, we should get together!!! Ha ha j/k.. That was fucking epic


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## Gypsybones

~Black river blues~


My cheatin' heart's being torn in two
I'd love to stay with you a while
But I gotta burn one thousand black river miles
Before I sleep
Before I rest
Cause I got two loves burnin' holes inside my chest
There is something you know I gotta do
Before I lay me down and sleep here beside you


When I get home
When I get home
When I get home


There's a two lane highway in my mind
My heart's divided by white lines
So what am I supposed to do
When the lane I love is the lane takes me farther from you

And that black river's
Callin' my name
And if I don't go I know I'll go insane
And I'll walk a thousand miles in these worn out shoes
And then I'll lay me down and sleep
here beside you

When I get home


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## JahDucky

When i was on the road i was "committed" to my boyfriend/fiance for the first few months in the end it was an open relationship. We both know that we are too sexual to wait for me showing up on his doorstep. It was an unspoken deal that we were in an open relationship though we did discussed and accepted it after I made it up to alaska. In the end he knew i would be with him(any guy i "hooked up" with on the road was just that a "hook up" a couple got clingy and i dipped outta town right quick) and i knew that any chick he hooked up with was avoided at all cost(hes just that type of guy if your a meaningless fuck...) in the end the open relationship was the way to go.

As humans, being sexual critters and all, I think hitting the road without your partner and either of you expecting to not fool around can be kind of a foolish thought in itself('specially if your younger). Beers are to be had and shit happens. 

Open relationships while not within arms reach FTW. Everybody needs closeness sometimes.


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## Alaska

I was with this girl in NYC for 2 and a half years, and it ended pretty tragically. She didn't trust me on the road (or didn't trust the lifestyle in general), and she tried enforcing rules. She actually eventually said I couldn't drink or smoke cigarettes at all. I lost a lot of closeness and love for her after she proved that she was serious about it. 

I never cheated on her before that, but because of her totally trying to negate the whole point of why I do this, there was a lot of resentment on my side. So I ended up cheating on her, and yeah, shit ended really badly. We don't really talk at all anymore, and it's for the best. I can't even stand her at this point.

So yeah, I tried being in a monogamous relationship with an overly insecure and controlling girl, and it failed. 

As always in life, it depends on the people =/


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## Rash L

I've never had a monogamous relationship with someone who I didnt live/travel with at least most of the time... this has lead to long-term (year+) relationships the majority of the time (as long as I dont rush into things), but it also frequently leads to one of us getting bored/frustrated/cramped which eventually ends the relationship. On the plus side, at least I am friends with most of my ex's. While this has worked moderately well in the past, I'm thinking that I should probably change my habits to increase the length of my relationships... though I am not sure how. I havent really been in the relationship mode lately.


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## mksnowboarder

I don't know, I usually travel with my girl. It's comforting when you're stuck out in the cold or the rain or a sketchy situation to know that you have someone with you who you've known for a long time, and can trust no matter what happens.

I've spent a lot of my life just hooking up with people, and to be honest, it's not as fulfilling. I mean, yeah, there are some times where the biological imperative to have sex is the primary force in your mind, but I wouldn't trade someone I really care about for polyamorous relationships.

Logically, they make more sense, but monogamy increases the quality of my life at this moment in time, so it's what I want.

Plus, there's something about being stuck in random cities without money/transport/food/water that can bring two people closer.

mike


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## madewithpaint

i've never traveled while in a relationship cause i always figured itd be difficult to stay monogamous while i'm on the road and they're surrounded by slutty city girls.
i've found someone who travels too though, and having a significant other on the road is both helpful and comforting. 
it's muscles and a heater all in one haha.


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## wizehop

Ya nothing like a warm body to get close to on a freezing train ride.. doesn't go over to well with the boys.


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## xbocax

Me and my girlfriend have been together a little over 2 years and as it goes with alot of people when your settled and comfortable you get bored and etc etc etc. long story short i though monogamy was binding cheated on numerous occasions in the first year then once she finally left haha i realized that i had lost my best friend if not anything else. It was a long hard road after that but we eventually got together and i grew a new respect for the relationship we had and had a self realization that sex as great as it feels is JUST sex. So we're committed now but we are very welcome to the idea of bringing other people in whenever we wanta spark it up or just get bored. I'm content as well as she and now we can focus on what we feel are more important things in life. As far as being separated on the road we really have yet to be separate for more than a week so we'll see if anything changes if we're apart for a while.


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## smellsea

i met my boyfriend on the road. he convinced me to come back home with him and we'd leave again in a month or two. we got here and he didn't wanna leave. we broke up, i'm on the road and he is in his house. it only broke my heart because he traveled for 8 years and then once he met me he was done.


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## 614 crust

I've been single for bout the past three years. Works better this way sometimes. Although recently I've been feeling a bit lonely.


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## Gypsybones

I feel yah on that homes, its been about three years for me as well.
Also when you start getting up there in years you realize how hard it is to get a date, your just not young and eligible anymore. sucks I know
but I guess such is life.


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## bote

naw gypsy, it´s jut that the longer you´re alone, the harder it seems, it´s not cause you´re less appealing. Then again, maybe you´re just an asshole? but that´s a whole other kettle of fish...
Anyway, don´t let it get you down


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## Tare

It seems the more im an asshole the more women are attracted to me. Whatever works....any excuse to be a dick i suppose. But seriously, i find it hard not to fall in love with anyone i travel with for extended periods of time, male and female,so it becomes hard to discern between a roadogs and potential gfs, so i usually don't bother trying to work the finer points out. Celibacy is alot cleaner. I like to keep it simple. So i guess i don't really date traveling girls either. There is a strange mystique about a clean girl with a house hahaha


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## JungleBoots

im not sure what to think about relationships with people while im travling. but i dont travel very much so its never become something i really thought about. that and im not a very committal person. so i dont really look for long lasting relationships

what concerns me more though is family, i mean that counts as a relationship right... relatives. its kind of a burning question for me because of anyone on the earth its my parents and my brothers that i love the most. and to go off without a word without them knowing whats up or where im at makes me feel really fucking horrible.

how do you hardcore travelers deal with your separation from family when on the road? if its even an issue.


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## madewithpaint

i used to travel with my brother a lot, but he usually got us into shit, so i don't bother anymore. i usually always call my dad when i get the chance just so he knows i'm alive and what-not. i think i miss my friends more than my family though.


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## JungleBoots

yeah, really though most of my friends are my family, i guess thats why im so stuck on staying in one place most of the time. and one place that is close to them.


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## Rash L

ever since the beginning of time (or since I was 16) i always felt guilty leaving my mom to travel since its always been me and her against the rest of the world (single parent and only child). when I leave she makes me call regularly to make sure I'm alright... and I know she is CONSTANTLY worrying about me, so I still tend to feel a little guilty when I leave, but I have to live my own life. All of my other family probably wouldnt even know if I died unless my mom told them; they dont matter much.


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## JungleBoots

pretty much the same... i mean i love my distant family members, but the onyl ones i really care about are my bros and my parents.


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## JahDucky

I just saw this and it made me think of this thread immediately: 

RevRunWisdom

There's no such thing as a long distance relationship if u keep ur hearts close


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## madewithpaint

one thing you should never do in a traveling relationship...
hitch out without saying goodbye and leave your significant other to be trapped with responsibilities back at home. 

is it safe to say he left me? some advice would be much appreciated... i don't know if i'm single or not!


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## rootboy

I have had more difficulties traveling together with my loved one then alone.
Especially if you find that the relationship you have at home was so easy and uncomplicated in comparison to the life on the road. And then the difficulties of traveling start to bug you both and before you know it you have more fights in a week then you would have in a year at home.

Maybe I am just bad at hanging out with one person for extended periods of time, even if it is the one I love most at that moment.

But what do you do? I found it really difficult to tell my Girl at some point: 'you go right, I go left, and we'll meet up again later when we are both back home' for several reasons: 
1) I am worried stiff all the time if she is alright
2) When comes the point of separation? After two fights? after 100 fights? You don;t know what is around the corner and maybe we are just sour of not enough sleep and bad food all the time. If tomorrow brings us a great sleepingplace, some rest and some decent food, all problems might disappear really quickly!
3) and practical: what do you do with the things you share: you get the stove, I get the opinel so we both can't cook anymore? Our two person tent? Worthless and to heavy for one of usâ€¦

but this might be a different problem all together...


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