# Whiskey drunk and ranting from the heart



## amandanotsuitcase (Dec 2, 2014)

My computer doesn't have a breathalizer lock, so everybody suffers ! BWAHAHA !

Ok, so I'm 37 years old. I'm not the best looking chic in the world, I'll never be a Suicide Girls model, but I've got all the right stuff in the right places, and people always tell me I have the ever-popular "great personality" . It seems like the only guys who ever like me fall in to one of two catagories. Category 1: 20-something year old oogle who might actually like me or might just be mooching off me. Fucks everything that moves and is generally not worth investing any emotional effort into whatsoever. Category 2: Somewhat "normal" dude who has a job and likes me because I'm some kind of "wild traveler girl" novelty. Less likely to bang everything in King County and mooch off me, but just looks at me blankly when I talk about shit in my life that was important and meant something to me.

It's really getting to me. Logically... I know why I'm in this situation : there aren't a lot of 37 year old traveler dudes who aren't totally brain scrambled and also have their ethics somewhat intact. I tried a 44 year old ex-traveler dude, but about a week in I realized it was never going to work because he had no sex drive.

So now I'm moping around and getting drunk, feeling shitty and pessimistic about my chances for finding somebody in the future. I can't express how much I want to find somebody who will travel with me, and have rad sex with me, and cook with me, and just be generally awesome with me. I want a fucking partner, I want it SO BAD, and I feel like I've never been farther away from it. And it makes me really sad 

I'm perfectly capable of travelling anywhere by myself, but I'm kinda burnt on that. Rolling into a new town and screwing cute oogles is fun for a while, but I find myself wanting more. Not that I want to find some oogle and date them, well I'm not ruling it out, but it just never seems to work. It's the lonlieness of the lifestyle that gets to me, that dark hour when all the booze or blow is gone, and the flavor of the night bailed, and you find yourself alone somewhere, and you just think to yourself "I wish there was somebody here who fucking gets me."

I wish there was somebody who always got me, who was with me on my travels, who would fuck me like crazy, and disinfect my MRSA wounds, and we could sew up our pants and sing folk punk, and roll around in big stretches of wildflowers, and just fucking be together on the road. Whatever road it is, wherever it is.

Honestly, I don't know how long I can keep myself together without this. And it's not something that can be found as simply as putting an ad on OKC. I don't even know how to find it. And I feel kinda retarded cuz I don't.

Hah... maybe I sound like that dude who wanted advice about how to fuck travelling girls ! All this shit is just on my mind right now because I'm about to take off again, into that great big world, and yet again I'm doing it alone, and I wish I wasn't alone.


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## wokofshame (Dec 2, 2014)

you should check this out https://www.facebook.com/groups/205379392971678/


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## wizehop (Dec 2, 2014)

Okay, I'm not sure if this is a sincere post, or your looking for victims. Or maybe like so many in this scene, you just want to be the victim. Either way, here's my two cents in the rare case your serious.

We tend to attract people who reflect our deeper self image. Its one thing to meet the odd person and it doesn't work out, but when its time and time again there is a definite pattern. The people we meet and connect with in life say more about who we are as a person, than it does about who they are.
That being said, it also takes time to get to know someone, time you don't have when your jumping from town to town, hooking up with the first cute oogle you run into. Not to mention if they're doing the same, the chances of a meaningful relationship is even less.
It's all fine and good you think your good looking, but looks only get you in the front door. And likewise if that's all it takes for you to hook up with some random dude, then your pretty much the same as the guys your hooking up with. It takes time to get to know people, not sure the road offers that.
It's tough to find people to travel with period, I get that. In all my life, despite all the people who talk on it, I have three people who A) even follow through, and B) who I even care to be with for any stretch of time. So your kind of double fucked as far as I see it. Maybe I got lucky, but I'm very picky on who I let into my life, and for the most part they have all been solid.
You cant make relationships happen, they come to you, but who you are will determine what comes your way. If you want to meet someone with all these virtues, you gotta start seeing that in yourself. If all you see in you is that your hot, and that makes you something, that's all your going to get. All I can say is from the girls I know who are in such a bind to find love, none of them ever do. Not sure why, but I can be sure its not because of any man.


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## wrkrsunite (Dec 2, 2014)

I find this very interesting, cuz i find myself feeling very similar these days. Ive had 2 fairly lonv term girlfriends while traveling but niether worked out (obviously) and the older i get the smaller my threshold for bulshit gets. 
Its not sex, or just sex that i want its a companion. Ive had so much luck finding good dog dawgs over the years, if i could just find a woman i can stand to be around for years id be set. Oh welll..….this lifestyle of ours is a lonely one, even when your surrounded by people.


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## amandanotsuitcase (Dec 2, 2014)

I don't remember much about writing this post last night, so now I've just read it and I'm freaked out by how honest and relatively articulate it is. If only I could be this honest with myself when I'm sober ! However, I REALLY should not have posted this.

Murt: Yeah, I've seen Hobomingle, but I figured I didn't need much help meeting oogles.

Wizehop... Thanks. I needed somebody to call me on my bullshit. I will always determine what comes my way, and when I reek of desperation (emotionally speaking) that is going to come through to other people. When you're trying too hard to find "it", whatever it is, you won't find it. Just for the record, that was an honest post, I don't think I'm looking to get used, and I don't think I'm hot. I think I'm decent-looking. Although I clearly need to work on not posting retarded overshare messages on StP.

wrkrsunite: I know... I think it gets harder as you get older. I've had some awesome dawgs too, partners... not so much.


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## goldendose (Dec 2, 2014)

I'm holding off on all of that _love_ business until I know myself better.... or at least that's what I tell myself so that I don't feel so lonely. (Someday, I'll love.... something)

but lately, when I try to meet myself it turns out that I am introducing Joshua to Joshua- essentially the same bastard that I already met YEARS ago.
"Christ, not _you_ again."

it's hard to resist the urge not to stick labels on people. ("wild traveler girl" "normal dude") Labels keep us apart from one another. It's probably the real reason I am lonely- my self applied label is 700 words long. _My label is fucking deep- it's poetry maaaaaan! My label has soul, dontyouunderstand?!_........ but her label? HER'S is one single word; conventional as fuck, boring, pedestrian, and straight out of Webster's. And so, we remain alone.


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## Dameon (Dec 3, 2014)

Been there, felt that way. Especially as the years stack up, and finding a partner in your age/maturity range who isn't attached gets harder. But that's life for ya.


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## Matt Derrick (Jan 19, 2015)

I feel the same way, specially in terms of age and trying to find someone that's compatible with a life of traveling much less someone that I'm attracted to AND vice versa. That's a pretty narrow scope, which can be pretty depressing. 

While is nice that folks identify with the sentiment, I don't feel like anyone's actually putting forward any real solutions. Personally I think we should have some kind of okc swap area or something.


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## Kim Chee (Jan 19, 2015)

Pour it out sweetie, emote with your beautiful keystrokes.


@Matt Derrick, could this be the spark for an StP infection swapping meetup place?
I'm all taken, but I'd definitely like to peruse the offerings and pretend I'm single again::hungry::
Tons of not too dirty, trainriding and dumpster diving sweethearts here for sure.


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## amandanotsuitcase (Jan 20, 2015)

Matt Derrick said:


> I feel the same way, specially in terms of age and trying to find someone that's compatible with a life of traveling much less someone that I'm attracted to AND vice versa. That's a pretty narrow scope, which can be pretty depressing.
> 
> While is nice that folks identify with the sentiment, I don't feel like anyone's actually putting forward any real solutions. Personally I think we should have some kind of okc swap area or something.


I'm not sure there are any solutions, Matt. Well... maybe if we had a huge STP meetup it would improve my chance of meeting somebody


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## Odin (Jan 20, 2015)

Hey Amanda... 
I wanna serenade you.

*"Soul To Squeeze"*

_[Version 1]_

I got a bad disease,
Up from my brain is where I bleed.
In sanity it seems,
Is got me by my soul to squeeze.
Well all the love from me,
With all these dying trees I scream.
The Angels in my dreams,
have turned to demons of greed,
That's me.

Where I go I just don't know,
I got to, got to, gotta take it slow.
When I find my piece of mind,
I'm gonna give you some of my good time.

Today loves smile on me,
It took away my pain, said please
All that you ride is free,
You gotta let it be,
Oh ya.

Where I go I just don't know,
I got to, gotta, gotta take it slow.
When I find my piece of mind,
I'm gonna give you some of my good time.

You're so polite indeed,
Well I got everything I need.
Oh make my days a breeze,
And take away my self destruction.

It's bitter baby,
And it's very sweet.
I'm on a rollercoaster,
but I'm on my feet.
Take me to the river,
Let me on your shore.
I be coming back baby,
I be coming back for more.

Doo doo doo doo dingle zing a dong bone,
ba-di ba-da ba-zumba crunga cong gone bad,
like an apple gift but i went out and never said my pleasures
I'm much better but I won't regret it never

Where I go I just dont't know,
I got to, got to, gotta take it slow.
When I find my piece of mind,
I'm gonna give you some of my good time.

Where I go I just don't know,
I might end up somewhere in Mexico.
When I find my piece of mind,
I'm gonna keep for the end of time!

....
..
.

Hoping for your happiness... through RHCP proxy.
Peace.


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## amandanotsuitcase (Jan 20, 2015)

ok... that was pretty fuckin cute  Next time can you make it a Descendants song tho ? My friend Tia will owe me a sixer of Ninkasi.


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## Odin (Jan 20, 2015)

*


amandanotsuitcase said:



ok... that was pretty fuckin cute  Next time can you make it a Descendants song tho ? My friend Tia will owe me a sixer of Ninkasi.

Click to expand...



Ninkasi* is the ancient Sumerian tutelary goddess of beer.


@amandanotsuitcase no problem. I'm a big fan of goddess's ... and beer. ::cigar::

So we should get along. ::yuck::


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## Blu (Jan 21, 2015)

wizehop said:


> We tend to attract people who reflect our deeper self image. Its one thing to meet the odd person and it doesn't work out, but when its time and time again there is a definite pattern. The people we meet and connect with in life say more about who we are as a person, than it does about who they are.



Having just (tonight) rekindled a relationship I had a year or so ago, and another two years before that, and having just kissed her goodnight minutes before reading this, this really spoke to me. 

'when it's time and time again, there is a definite pattern' -- makes me question whether or not I value that pattern, and whether or not I should be allowing that pattern to happen. I'm sure I'm not the only person on STP who consistently has someone (or someones) who are willing to reconnect when we come back home, or pass back through, or whatever the case may be. And I want to be vigilant and make sure I'm not simply coming back to them because they are here, waiting and available, possibly hurting them in the process by leaving and returning, over and over. Thank you for reminding me of this. 

'The people we meet and connect with in life say more about who we are as a person, than it does about who they are.' -- I know naked wisdom when I see it, and this is it. I have no thoughts on this at the moment, but I'm going to let this swim around in my head for a few days. Thank you for your wisdom.


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## wrkrsunite (Jan 21, 2015)

Here goes, oh boy, the memories......

So now you wait for his cock, you know it will turn you on
Hes gonna make you feel the way you wanta feel
When he starts to lie, when he makes you cry
You know ill be there
My day will come
Someday ill be the only one
So you want perfection
I see your self destruction.......…
Aghh, the memories. Milos quite the punk poet.


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## amandanotsuitcase (Jan 21, 2015)

I think Tia owes me 2 six packs for song choice.... ok wrkrsunite.... come claim your beer next time you're in Oregon


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## wrkrsunite (Jan 21, 2015)

amandanotsuitcase said:


> I think Tia owes me 2 six packs for song choice.... ok wrkrsunite.... come claim your beer next time you're in Oregon


Ive definitely gone to oregon for worse reasons. I could drink said sixer and serenade you with decendants songs, maybe a little mdc, jfa, or some DRI.


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## amandanotsuitcase (Jan 22, 2015)

I think Oregon is fucking great. Portland is blown up, bet it's still fun. And Eugene blows up in the summer... but in the winter nobody's here and it's lovely and quiet. Kid... you're gonna get me all twitterpated ! But I'll take a pass on the DRI  This sounds like a Sweet Ass Plan to me.


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