# The shitty misadventures with Joe



## starvingorphan

This is going to be horribly written but I figured I'd share it. Since I came back home weird shits been happening to me, and it's making me REALLY regret coming back, so here's one of those weird things. For the sake of conversation we'll call this guy Joe, not his real name but it's what he'll go by. Well, Joe is a traveling kid, I was walking around Wal-Mart when I met him, the first thing he did when he saw me was run up and hug me with a frozen burrito in his hand, didn't say anything to me just hugged me, I stopped to talk to him, we go buy his burrito, and go hang out in the field next to Wal-Mart, I thought he was tripping balls the first hour of hanging out with him then I realized he was actually just loopy and totally sober, he's funny as fuck, nothing he says makes any sense, and he has no boundaries, we start aimlessly walking around while I listen to him talk about knowing multiple messiahs and how if he cut the roof off his apartment (doesn't have an apartment..) it would go all the way to a stop sign that was near us, then he changed his mind and said the street light he then pulls some cleaner spray out of his pack and starts spraying it in his nose saying the air was unclean. So we go back into Wal-Mart and he tries to buy a gun with 7 dollars, obviously did not work out, the rest of the time in walmart he kept trying to get me to come live in a tomato field with him and a bb gun and he said he could feed me and protect me forever there, he stole a flipeez hat for me, we leave, end up sitting infront of someones house while he emptied his pack which was filled with trash, and the heels that he stole off of peoples boots and went on and on about how bad ass the boot heels were, he takes the cleaning spray and cleans all the empty plastic bottles, throws them away and then stuffs the rest of the trash and random items back in his pack, eats what was a frozen burrito but is now thawed out but still uncooked, and then we start walking again. After awhile of walking he starts mumbling weird shit and pulls his wallet out, scratched his name off his i.d and writes a new one, rips his social security card up and seriously eats it, I asked him what the fuck he was doing and he said it upsets him when people steal his wallet and he loses his social (hes apparently gotten a new one multiple times cause his always get stolen) I laugh and we get to the park, someone in the neighborhood talked to us and told us about a guy in a yellow mustang going around busting out peoples windows, we end up seeing the yellow mustang multiple times, Joe is convinced it is "the cult" and on the walk back to my house forces me to hide everytime a car passes by us because they are all in the cult, get to my street and one of my neighbors is outside on his porch, Joe comes up to him whispering asking if he has guns and then persists that my neighbor gives him one, my neighbor is in obvious pain from Joe being fucking weird so I pull him away, we get back to my house and I tell him he can sleep in the backyard if he wants cause I couldn't let him in, bring him a blanket and I smoke a cigarette, he then starts trying to pork me, well, Joe may be fucking loopy as fuck but he was pretty cute and really funny so for some reason my dumb ass sex deprived brain decides it's a good idea, and I pork him, told him not to finish in me, but he fucking did it anyways and then tells me to keep it in and says "You're going to have the most beautiful blue eyed boy now!" I fucking panic and run in my house and take a shower, realize I left my cigarettes outside, go grab em, and Joe is on my goddamn roof and I have NO idea how the fuck he got up there because you can't without a ladder which we don't have. I tell him to get the fuck off my roof and he won't because he was upset that I ran off, it was just like that episode of South Park where Tom Cruze wouldnt get out of Stans closet, except it was Joe on the roof. And that kids, is how I learned not to let crazy stick their dick in you, or to stick your dick in crazy.


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## notOK

Crazy needs good loving, don't let one time sour you on the notion for a lifetime. A tomato field is one of the hardest places to keep safe, truth be told. I thought I could feed and protect my first wife in one, even going so far as to write it into my wedding vows. But the Killer Tomatoes still got her. Gawd I miss that gal. 

Maybe I'll find one as good as her one day. The frozen burrito hugs seems like a solid way to meet chicks.


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## starvingorphan

Man, I'm so sorry to hear about your wife.. RIP notOks wife death by killer tomatoes. Those things are a real bitch. Maybe if you would have had your bb gun.
I think it was that frozen burrito hug that really reeled me in, it's gotta be a good tactic. Don't forget to eat it raw infront of the chick you're tryna get.



notOK said:


> Crazy needs good loving, don't let one time sour you on the notion for a lifetime. A tomato field is one of the hardest places to keep safe, truth be told. I thought I could feed and protect my first wife in one, even going so far as to write it into my wedding vows. But the Killer Tomatoes still got her. Gawd I miss that gal.
> 
> Maybe I'll find one as good as her one day. The frozen burrito hugs seems like a solid way to meet chicks.


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## Traveler

You sound like a very lonely person.


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## Kim Chee

starvingorphan said:


> ...it would go all the way to a stop sign that was near us, then he changed his mind and said the street light he then pulls some cleaner spray out of his pack and starts spraying it in his nose saying the air was unclean...



My guesses:

He's been huffing so much he has damaged his brain

Or

He is mentally ill

Or

He is an attention whore.

If he is an attention whore, I'd say he was successful.


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## starvingorphan

Either way I guess he was successful because I'm a dumb ass.


mmmmmmmichael said:


> My guesses:
> 
> He's been huffing so much he has damaged his brain
> 
> Or
> 
> He is mentally ill
> 
> Or
> 
> He is an attention whore.
> 
> If he is an attention whore, I'd say he was successful.


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## autumn

What the fuck did I just read


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## autumn

mmmmmmmichael said:


> He's been huffing so much he has damaged his brain



Ahh, getting high on brain damage, the buzz that never ends.

Either that, or he's high on chromosomes...

In all seriousness, sounds like paranoid schizophrenia.


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## starvingorphan

May have been a mixture of chromosomes in whatever gas he was huffing. I think I gained a few extra chromosomes just for porking em


zim said:


> Ahh, getting high on brain damage, the buzz that never ends.
> 
> Either that, or he's high on chromosomes...
> 
> In all seriousness, sounds like paranoid schizophrenia.


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## Dmac

crazy sex can be the best sex! just saying.


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## p4r4d0x

So did you have to chuck something at him to get him off the roof?


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## starvingorphan

He had apparently gotten off the roof at some point that night after I went inside to go get energy drinks which this kid apparently lives off of. At this point I was really starting to feel like Jenny from Forrest Gump. All of the weird, funny shit that happened that first night around him was really just not even sort of half worth any of the aftermath. Apparently while no one was home in the morning, he broke into the back part of the house and took scissors, rubbing alcohol, a hat, and put a bat in the back of one one the cars fucking weird ass combination but he seemed quite pleased with himself. I come back to my house to see this fucker on my porch waiting for me and had apparently walked around for for hours just to find my house again after he left that night. He kept telling all of these ridiculous incompetent tales about what happened to him while he wasn't on my roof, I guess in an attempt to convince me to leave with him, kept saying if I just come west with him he'd show me all this crazy shit. Everytime he talked about someone else, he always mocked them by making them sound like Bill Cosby, while between every other sentence or so saying he wished I would be his "woman". Spouted off some crazy wingnut shit about how the conch shell on my front porch was speaking to him and told him to wait for me. Said he fought off coyotes with old rotten food from a trash can to get here, he was horrified of the bug man that goes through the city spraying whatever bug shit he sprays, Joe thinks the guy driving the truck is evil and calls the bug spray "perfume" and said he had to run from him with the cops and that everyone who saw called him a hero for surviving it all. I'm pretty sure he's a little tarded, because when I was 5 I was damn convinced the trash men were up to something and I always spyed on em, convinced they were doin some hood rat shit with my trash. I just didn't trust those guys and always hid from em. Eventually got rid of Joe later during the day but I am awaiting, and dreading the day he comes back because I know he will.. I swear to god I can hear him on my roof right now. He's funny as fuck like I said but he's damn crazy and I feel totally unsafe with him breaking into my fucking house and shit, and I'm still constantly making sure everything is locked 24/7 and on fucking edge. Second visit from Crazy Joe and I'm strongly considering moving out of here just so he can't find me again. Just thought the world should know that if I die anytime soon it was probably Crazy Joe. Look for my boot heels if I ever mysteriously disappear, if they're missing, Crazy Joe is the killer and you'll probably find me in a tomato field. On a side note, sex with the wingnut was definitely pretty fucking good. Just not worth all of this dumb shit. I really don't want to end up being a lampshade.



p4r4d0x said:


> So did you have to chuck something at him to get him off the roof?


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## Kim Chee

starvingorphan said:


> Eventually got rid of Joe later during the day but I am awaiting, and dreading the day he comes back because I know he will..



Oh, he'll be back...for seconds


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## starvingorphan

Just promise me you'll look for my boot heels then check all the tomato fields in memphis


mmmmmmmichael said:


> Oh, he'll be back...for seconds


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## sketchytravis

zim said:


> Ahh, getting high on brain damage, the buzz that never ends.
> 
> Either that, or he's high on chromosomes...
> 
> In all seriousness, sounds like paranoid schizophrenia.


 

thats what i was thinking. sounded just like my one buddy fignewton.
except fignewton isnt good with ladies. and found someone equally crazy.


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## Traveler

I feel sorry for whoever you're staying with.


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## sketchytravis

Traveler said:


> I feel sorry for whoever you're staying with.



this. mutha fuckas teleportin to your roof and shit


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## OTZI

Never forget.


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## deleted user

This story is like an xaviar episode lolol.
Reminds my of this old boy spike who would come in and cash his bottles at this grocery store i used to work at 

"... they called me the super seal from heaven and hell. looking real good like this guy over here" (empty dirty shock top box on the other side of the bottle room sticking out of the garbage) Me:" the shock top guy?" Him: (complete derail of the last statement) "i watched my guy steven sigal drink a vile of uranium right in front of me" (complete derailing of the last statement) Me: "the actor" Him: no hes not an actor"

your story made my night


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## Odin

OTZI said:


> Never forget.



Now that I've read this I never will... 

Hey if it gets you laid... a little crazy might be just the ticket. 

Whelp... thats it... my sex deprived self has a new game to try out...

Find some tomato fields and fly a sign... spange for sex.

"I've got a wooden spoon, a 9volt battery and some marmalade... any takers?"::woot::


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