# Addiction.



## CrotchInfection (May 12, 2013)

Well, here I am once again....I wonder how many times I've done this.I don't know what I hope to achieve by posting this, but I'm going to put it out there anyway because I feel that it's necessary for me to get it out there and have people here my story:

I'm 27 years of age, and ever since I was 16 I've been shooting heroin on and off. I go through spurts of a sort, spending a few months deep in addiction's belly, and a couple months off the dope (But still wanting it). When I first started, it all seemed like a dream-world where I could just be happy and not have to deal with any of life's difficulties, but as time progressed I began to get into shit with the people around me, and also began to affect my own life in seriously negative ways. My friend Andy introduced me to the shit, and the first time I did it I used water from the back of a toilet bowl in a movie theater bathroom to mix the drugs... I didn't care about anything. 

Eventually, years later, after waking up on the floor of my shithole studio apartment in Cape Coral Florida next to my psychotic ex-girlfriend, I started thinking that I had taken a wrong turn somewhere down the line. I had all the opportunity in the world available to me as a young person... parents would pay for school, I could get into a trade apprenticeship easily... but instead I decided to do heroin and work overnight at a grocery store in Florida. Long story short, I gave my ex 2 months rent, and hitched my way back to NY where I explained to my family that I was a junkie and needed help.

They drove me to a detox and from there I kept myself in programs for a year and a half. I spent 10 months in Bolger house, a halfway house in Poughkeepsie NY that was really top-notch. I could have left at any time but I knew that if I did, I would wind up right where I started all over again. While I stayed in my program, many of my friends on the outside died from overdoses, and stupid decisions they made while high. That year and a half was the hardest and longest period of my life, and I spent many nights laying in bed, wondering how I let things get that way. I promised myself that when I got out I would never go back to dope again.

I eventually left the house and went back to college, funding it myself this time (I refuse to live off anyone else's labor), getting straight A's and avoiding the drugs. I graduated with an A.S. in Science and Engineering, and enrolled in a B.S. program in biochemistry at Stony Brook University in Long Island. I got a car and a girlfriend, and things started looking really good for me again.

You know what that means...... back to dope. One evening I decided that it would be ok to do some dope again, because this beautiful woman I was hanging out with was into it. There went another 4 months of my life... luckily it didn't effect my grades too hard and I came through.

I'm getting real sick of writing this, and my buzz is wearing off..... but to sum it all up:

The past year, my last year of college, I have been struggling with dope nonstop. I keep getting suboxone and quitting for a few days, then going right back to it. My girlfriend hates it, but god I give her credit for sticking by me this whole time. She gets upset seeing me struggle so hard with this, and she feels that our plans for travel once I graduate will never come to be.... nonetheless she stays by my side and I don't know where she gets the love and forgiveness from. She is amazing.....

I don't know what to do... I'm out of cash, I may not even graduate because I fucked up too many times with the shit this semester, and I'm dopesick. I have a suboxone, but I'm waiting until morning to take it..... Is there anyone with advice or input here? Anything helps really.... I want to travel and see the country! I want to get out and have my adventure, I've been waiting for years! I DON'T WANT TO BE STUCK IN NYC DOING DOPE IN TOMPKINS SQUARE PARK. Please, reply and tell me something... anything... just be a friend. There are no judgments here...


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## ByronMc (May 12, 2013)

Been There,Wrecked That !


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## ByronMc (May 12, 2013)

I am now 7 years clean & sober & love it ! To get here,I had to change,which is not a part time job ! The change is what I love best,as I am not the angry person,I was,had to come to terms with it, and accept what has happened !.................If you can,get into rehab,for a start,then go to meetings ! As for the god issue,don't let it worry you,use the meeting and the people,to help you !................one day,if you remain sober,you'll be loving life again !


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## 3rdEyeVision (May 12, 2013)

Stop doing dope.


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## notlateforsuppa (May 12, 2013)

Yeah I never got into dope mostly cause it hasnt been around me much but I def did the oxy thing and whatever else i could since really young bout the same fifteen sixteen and I have quit felt great and relapsed allot just don't give up on your self man even if your fucked up right now I know it sux and hard to take right now but...? and 3rd eyes got all three eyes shut so don't worry bout that dumbass mfer


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## ByronMc (May 12, 2013)

notlateforsuppa said:


> Yeah I never got into dope mostly cause it hasnt been around me much but I def did the oxy thing and whatever else i could since really young bout the same fifteen sixteen and I have quit felt great and relapsed allot just don't give up on your self man even if your fucked up right now I know it sux and hard to take right now but...? and 3rd eyes got all three eyes shut so don't worry bout that dumbass mfer


There is nothing stupid about wanting someone to stop !


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## ByronMc (May 12, 2013)

3rdEyeVision said:


> Stop doing dope.


nothing stupid about wanting some one to stop


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## ByronMc (May 12, 2013)

please,remove the stupid tags !


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## 3rdEyeVision (May 12, 2013)

You're absolutely right Byron. I've actually had a lot of friends in my life get hooked on dope and another one die from it and the simplest and most practical advice you can give is to just stop doing it. It's when life gets really good and things make a 360 degree turn that a lot of addicts say hey I'm feeling good I should just do a little dope but I wont go back into it like I used to. Of about 4-5 of my friends that was the exact same story just like CrotchInfection's. When things are going well and you're staying clean, it's all about just keeping it that way cause deep down you know you don't need the extra dopamine, there's already enough there!


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## Odin (May 12, 2013)

I've never done hard drugs... just smoked pot when I could get some...

But... I do consider myself a hardcore alcoholic at this point. I drink everyday...and often till I black out from the combination of drink and being tired late at night. Completely functional though as far as work and taking care of day to day stuff. But the amount I drink often worries me...every day. I do understand the despair of addiction, though I can't imagine how it compares to heroin.

Dude all I can say... is hang in there. We human beings have amazing abilities to adapt and overcome.

For me it might be the point where I'm gonna have to decide what I want and what will make me happy... working a job I can't stand and drinking heavy isn't doing it...if anything it's made me a fucking hermit. maybe if I force myself to travel...(biking... would help... health wise too I figure) things will change.

I'm reading possum living right now by Dolly Freed... almost done...
And I think I know in my core that's the life for me... I probably drink too much cuz I cant stand the 9-5 grind. And I'm a natural worry type... which pisses me off lol... dudes shouldn't worry about shit.

Anyway... I think changing my lifestyle will help me be moderate in my drinking or quite completely if necessary.

With heroin I imagine its not possible to just... moderate... so I don't know but changing our lives in a very concert and mental way is needed.

I understand your desire to get to traveling... maybe if you can somehow endure a bit more finish the school if you can and then hit the road with your girl. Its good you have someone there to back you up.

I guess I'm not really giving any advice here... But good luck and fight it!
Life needs to be wrestled into submission sometimes.
CUT YOUR OWN PATH THROUGH THE JUNGLE!


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## notlateforsuppa (May 12, 2013)

ByronMc said:


> There is nothing stupid about wanting someone to stop !


yeah but its stupid to say stop doing dope. and act as if its that easy wow this website fuking blows buncha fukin tards


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## CrotchInfection (May 12, 2013)

People, People! PLEASE, before posting a response to my thread here, THINK about what you are saying. Is it on topic? No? Don't post it. Is it intelligible? No? Don't post it. I don't need to read through all these responses to find that half of them are just people cussing eachother for no damned good reason. Stupid.

I WOULD like to say thank you very much to those of you who tried to give me legitimate advice, or shared their own personal stories with me. I fucked up again today and got high (After borrowing even MORE money from my girlfriend). I feel like I'm screwed in a way because my girlfriend will never say no when I ask to borrow money from her, so it enables me to just keep going without having to steal, assault, etc for money. Ugh..... there has got to be a way through all of this...


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## 3rdEyeVision (May 12, 2013)

No one is posting anything off topic or unintelligible besides notlateforsuppa. Unfortunately some people don't have respect for others but hey it's all about lettin it roll off your back. All I can say is you can do it if you want to the only thing that is stopping you is your Self. Google "Heroin addiction is not a disease" and read some of the top things that come up. It will give you some insight and help you realize it's all about your choices and self-medication. Doctors, psychiatrists, and rehab clinics love to instill in you that you are powerless over your "disease" and only an omnipotent being can cure you. You can do it yourself just use the medications to your advantage to wean off of the dope and not get dope sick. Once you're done with all that you're solid. Just stay away from it and stay away from any situation that will potentially lead you to have the desire for it (being around people who do it, etc.) It's important to ask yourself why you do it and why you started in the first place. If your life is not worth living without a vice then you should start looking into a spiritual outlet without any ties to religion like Buddhism. People call Buddhism a religion but the fact is it doesn't fall into the definition of religion whatsoever. My buddy sought the teachings and it helped him tremendously with his addiction to dope and other drugs. He's been crispy clean for years. You can go to Peru and drink Ayahuasca and participate in the shamanic ceremonies, you can take a heroic dose of mushrooms and get your ass kicked into good behavior and a variety of other helpful natural medicines. But you don't HAVE to supplement substance with another that's just an option. All you need is the understanding we're all one consciousness living subjectively flowing through time and space into infinity which is essentially God. Nothing can get you higher than those kinds of realizations. Say two prayers, Psalm 91 and Our Father, when you wake up every day. Two completely non religious prayers to the Creator Force even though some religions did incorporate them the origins are not. I know a Native American shaman and she taught me a lot about prayer and meditation. Get interested in this, get turned on and get off da dope dude you know you can do it. Read read read.


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## Mongo (May 12, 2013)

I'd say look into ibogaine clinics they only have em in Mexico though. I know a girl who went to one to detox off of oxycontin. from what She says it's a pretty short process, you feel great afterwards and from other sources I've heard the urge for the substance is gone.

look up ibogaine on wikipedia it will tell you a bit more


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## GinGin (May 12, 2013)

I posted the Thomas recipe in another post on hea (forget where) dealing with addiction to heroin and opiates and what not. You should check it out if youre serious about gettin clean, its gonna suck but theres alot in the recipe itself that deals with the negative aspects of comng off dope and i feel like it could really help you out. Oh an im pretty sure itll say it in the recipe, but ill say it anyways just in case but get outside and active(i know it sucks especially when youre dope sick) but youll release some endorphins and start feeling a hell of a lot better faster. Also if youre the artistic type try picking up and learning a new instrument or drawing landscapes in order to take your mind off of everything. Good luck man, and dont worry about relapsing.. try not to beat yourself up over it everyone makes mistakes, just keep it in your mind that youre gonna overcome it and youll do it in no time. Wishin you all the best man, take care.


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## dharma bum (May 12, 2013)

If you can find someone who can make it or a church that holds these types of sessions, try and get your hands on ayahuasca. It contains DMT but it's not an extract or synthetic shit you smoke. It helps people with hardcore addictions. There was a doctor the last I heard that was helping people in BC (Dr. Gabor Mate).


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## ByronMc (May 12, 2013)

I had to get to the point,that I had to quit,or end up dying ! And might I add,I was drinking at the end,not doing dope,or anything else ! Beer kills !


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## hshh (May 12, 2013)

im day 5 into kicking subutex as i wriet this and amd about to jump off the roof. shit sucks but its so worth it when its over with


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## Odin (May 12, 2013)

hshh said:


> im day 5 into kicking subutex as i wriet this and amd about to jump off the roof. shit sucks but its so worth it when its over with


 
Hey I'm sitting here thinking about my drinking...

yup..

I have no idea what subutex is... but dude... don't jump off a roof...

Do me a solid... like rodman asked NKorea..... and hang in there... 

I bet there is something to laugh about out there... even if its just reading what I'm writing here and thinking what a fucking geek Odin is.

Stay strong... we are the best of the best enjoy life its a big jest.

And now George Thorogood... is playing on the radio...fucking aye right? :ompus::


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## hshh (May 12, 2013)

thank you, REALLY, hahaah im strugllin was put on subutex which is suboxone without nloexone after 4 years of herion addiction and am kickin it. kickin dope is a walk in the park compared to this shit, to me atleast. and no i wont jump off a roof, just maybe chop my limbs off and find out where and what that pain/feeling of restlessness is and get rid of it.


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## hshh (May 12, 2013)

all take the worst flu anyday/week than the creepycrawlies of restless leg/BODY SYDROM


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## hshh (May 12, 2013)

man it sucks to be plaqued with this shit,,i know what your going through… actually i dont becuase im not you but im sure it sucks. butno matter what, to me atleast kicking , whenitihnk about it, is a much happier time then going on with your addiction contemplating suicide eveeryday and hoping you dont wake up


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## Odin (May 12, 2013)

Hang in there man... I can't say I know what its like... I can only talk about drinking... and I know I have that to a fucking art... I get days when I wake up with the DT's...Delirium Tremens... shakes and racing thoughts... I think... that's just started recently...

It sucks cuz it makes me paranoid and shit...

fuck... anyway... whatever it is we gotta deal with we gotta deal with it.

Stay strong.


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## bryanpaul (May 12, 2013)

i just got back from an NA meeting a couple hours ago.... i mean you said you been through the program before (i assume you were talkin about NA/AA) and i dont know what opinions youve formed about all that but yeah...maybe get to a meetin and speak up and talk to some folks?... i'm livin in a sober living apt deal right now... 4 months sober/clean ..... i dunnoman... not much in the way of advice here...but i feel your pain.....been battlin with alcoholism for a while.....gotinto a hairy situation this weekend with my ladyfreind and buddy bein drunk and doing suboxone around me...fucked me up inside, gonna domybest tonot put myselfin that position again..... i wish you the best man....whatever you do DON'T GIVE UP!!! if you reallywant to stay clean, keep that feeling strong inside of you, let the feeling of wanting to be free from that shit fill you up... keep it right in the forefront of your mind.... you CAN be free from it......try to get too down and wallow in your own shit(what i do all the time, even after getting sober) keep fightin that shit....it's the enemy..... keep postin on here


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## CrotchInfection (May 12, 2013)

Yeah man Suboxone is a beast to quit... that's why when I quit I only take that for a day or two max and then just try to be sober. I wish you luck man, there is light at the end of the tunnel I suppose... depending on what you plan to do..

But in my case, I have a major problem. I don't see any future that I can deem worth living. I don't want to work in retail for the rest of my life, school stressed me out to the point where it's not worth it anymore, and fuck man I don't know what to do. I hate to be a whiner, so I try not to tell people about my problems and make people listen to me rant about how our society has fucked up all that is good in life. I don't know what to do...

BryanPaul, yeah I did the AA/NA route while I was in the halfway house and I was clean almost 2 years doing that shit... but I can't see living life without at least drinking... plus I don't want to believe in any sort of higher power because it's just against what I feel is right. I'm not against it, I believe if it works for you then go for it.. I'm pretty open to all ideas and philosophies. I really don't know what it is I should do.... 

If I could just be a house-husband (house-wife of the 50's, but male), I feel like I would be happy... maybe I can get into a situation like that. Yeah, I probably sound lazy, but man... I'm just trying to come up with ideas I'd be happy with here. Life is wearing me down.


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## Odin (May 12, 2013)

In a way this is all a symptom of modern society... I just read possum living and it makes sense... even the link to farmstead meatsmith on that thread ... um that one dude posted... makes sense...

see.. modern robotica ... what I like to call "work"... is killing our spirt.

we are those who need a more natural way of living.

its not that your looking to be a house-husband CI... you just want to be your own man.

Raise your own livestock... grow your own veg... make your own moonshine...

cuz... going to the 9-5 grind.. is *grinding down* our *souls*.

Its natural... that we seek escape.


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## LeftCoast (May 13, 2013)

Mod here;

There have been several posts in this thread that have been flagged for moderator review. Here is my take on the situation:

Squat the planet is a resourceful site. I can come out and tell you all openly, that I did heroin and cocaine intravenously. I understand that narcotics are a very touchy subject. Narcotics can be seen in many different lights, forms, fashions, aspects, and biases. However, I must advise those who are flagging posts to not use bureaucracy, judgement without reason, logic, and compassion. We are all human beings here, and some of us have more or less bumps in the road than our peers. It does not mean that we all are not human beings. 

If you have a solution, and have personally executed the solution to the problem, offer CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. Bigotry, biased ideology without compassion or brute experience to back your statements, please hold your tongue, and heed the yearning for others to heart. 

Do not have a flagfest on one another or vice versa due to one's views contradicting with your own. I would like to personally set foot and moderate this thread. I personally do not condone censorship, and have made the decision to leave the previous posts here. 

What I ask of y'all folks is to calm down. Realize the words that you say to one another are not only just words, but your actions can affect the mindsets of your opposing party. I once was much more cocky, crude, and immoral than I am now; and emulating that behavior got me nowhere, if not it made me into a very dodgy individual. I was excluded from social events, frowned upon for being what I was; a jerk.

If this was happening in person at the campfire or out on the road, I would ask all the participating parties to either get there heads out of there ass on come together as people. Collaboration and education is more precious than destruction and despair. And if the parties refused, i would extract myself from the situation. 

Squat the planet is a place of construction. A place for reference, research, experience, and wisdom. This is a place for all folks from all walks of nomadic, alternative, and positive ethical folks to congregate. Think of it as a virtual campfire, or a sidewalk wide enough for a group of pals to walk together. We gotta look out for one another and not slander and criticize people for different experiences without offering a positive outcome. 

The Addiction threads are all HARM REDUCTION unless stated otherwise.

With this being said, and being a supporter of anti-propaganda and anti-censorship, I am leaving previous threads posted. If you have the maturity to calm the wake of your own wrath, than please exercise the freedoms of this site. 

On another personal detail; I have been on both ends of the spectrum for IV and other schedule 1 narcotics and have successfully kicked dope. It is not the same for everyone. If anyone is interested, I will gladly post what I can offer. But only if the audience and participants of this thread can cut the bullshit.


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## iamwhatiam (May 13, 2013)

wow crotch, i feel your pain man. i used to be a junky, but was able to quit cold turkey and finally stay off. i never did the n/a route, not my kinda thing. what worked for me, and maybe you are different - but i had to remove myself from the environment i was used to. meaning, i had to get the fuck out the westcoast and go somewhere i knew NO ONE. somewhere i knew no junkies, and didn't know where to find heroin. it's a lot harder quitting, when you walk down the same streets you used to cop on, and see the same junkies in your face. (you might have to leave your girlfriend, if she doesn't want to get clean as well). so i left for hawaii, and it seriously helped me stay off dope until eventually after several months passed, the urge to use slowly wore off. now, i don't even really think about dope at all. occasionally, i'll get nostaligic for it.....but i know my life has become exponentially better and more free now that i'm not strung out.
altho, while visiting an old friend (actually the first guy i ever shot up with) in seattle last year i did a shot or two of dope with him for old time's sake, and also because i was curious how i'd handle it. some people would call it relapse, but that's honestly not how i see it. what i mean is, it was kind of like a psychological test on myself. i wanted to see if i was really thru with H - and it was actually a good experience for me. i came to find, that i really was done with it. it wasn't really a big thrill for me anymore..... i don't know if any of what i'm sayin makes sense, i just woke up so may not be articulating myself correctly lol just hang in there man,


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## iamwhatiam (May 13, 2013)

but yea, all the money you waste. and waking up sick everyday really sucks. it feels great to not be a slave to that shit anymore. but if you ever wanna talk i'm here for you. and i wasn't just a lightweight weekend user bro......for a while, i was selling on the streets all day long in capitol hill to supply my fix. spending hours everyday in space toilets and park bushes, getting blood all over myself cause i couldn't find a working vein left on my body.....asking a random crack head to shoot a shot of koolaid and crack into my neck.....spending all night walking the streets of downtown sanfrancisco searching for little pieces of crackrock someone might have dropped in the cracks of sidewalks...lol....yea, been there...been thru that hell. if you keep using dope, it will eventually always end up in 1 of 2 ways. prison or death.


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