# Walking a plank to a tightrope that's breaking at the seams. I need help.



## sckumdumm (May 14, 2016)

I've reached my breaking point last night and I feel as if I've completely lost my shit. I feel lost and like I have no place anywhere. All of the best people in my life have been ripped away from me whether that is death or they walk out. "God, the universe, and anything else," has thrown a lot of shit my way, and not small little piles of shit either. My life has been a constant shit storm. I feel like an old brick wall that's waiting to crumble. I feel like I'm done being a wall and ready to be a pile of dust and rocks . I don't feel like fighting anymore and I have no hope left. When you've hit your breaking point, when you don't want to live anymore, what keeps you going? What do you tell yourself or what has someone told you? Because I'm tired, and I'm exhausted, and I don't want my life to continue being pointless and traumatic and depressing anymore.


----------



## Kim Chee (May 14, 2016)

You are still going to get a "Welcome!" From me

What keeps me going is that I know tomorrow will be different than today.


----------



## Haystack (May 14, 2016)

Considering this is your first post, I would like to say I think that you came to the right place for support. I like to think of this place as a second family and a place where we all support each other no matter who you are. We're all here for whatever reason and we all have something to offer one another no matter what your own personal situation might be.

Personally I'm one of those people that likes to hide my feelings (I'm a guy so that's natural I guess), but when I'm going through shit I like to sit down and forget whatevers on my mind. I might listen to music to calm myself down or whatever until my mind is clear and I don't feel anything. Then I start to build a list of positive things I have going for myself but might have overlooked. I think about what my goals are or what I might want to do to achieve "happiness" even if it's something small and insignificant to others. 

When you reach the bottom there's only 1 way to go from there and that's up. I'm not sure what has happened in your life (you don't have to say), but there might be others on here that have gone through what you're going through and would be willing to offer you support in getting through it. Sometimes just talking to someone about things helps (I always offer a open ear for anyone that wants to talk, just shoot me a PM). 

Just know that everyone has a purpose in life and no matter how shitty things get, I believe you can rise from the rubble and bloom in this world.


----------



## Adnil (May 14, 2016)

Hate to be the one to break it to you, but that's life. Most of us have gone, are going through, or will face harsh realities on a rollercoaster level throughout our whole existence. And frankly, your life is pointless (everybody's is), the best thing that you can do is stop trying to run from or prevent these traumatic & depressing events from happening, but grow some tough skin and teach yourself to deal with it and move on.


----------



## Kim Chee (May 14, 2016)

Adnil said:


> Hate to be the one to break it to you, but that's life. Most of us have gone, are going through, or will face harsh realities on a rollercoaster level throughout our whole existence. And frankly, your life is pointless (everybody's is), the best thing that you can do is stop trying to run from or prevent these traumatic & depressing events from happening, but grow some tough skin and teach yourself to deal with it and move on.



I disagree with what you're saying.

Also, it doesn't sound like she's running from anything...she has brought her situation here to us in hopes we might offer real stories of how we've dealt with our troubles.


----------



## EphemeralStick (May 14, 2016)

Hang in there. Being strong keeps getting harder as the years go on and some days the only sane thing to do seems to be to take myself out of the equation. What keeps me going is the thought of what would be left behind. 

I can't give up, not until Ive left my mark and I've done everything I could to make this world less of a shitty place. It might be naive but it's my truth.


----------



## Adnil (May 14, 2016)

Kim Chee said:


> I disagree with what you're saying.
> 
> Also, it doesn't sound like she's running from anything...she has brought her situation here to us in hopes we might offer real stories of how we've dealt with our troubles.



So me not crying about things that can't change but instead leaving them behind and moving on forward with my life is not a way to deal with troubles? Dealing with troubles is not all tears, anger, or yada yada. Sometimes it can be just facing the truth of it all to move on. Besides, nobody chooses a "traumatic or depressing" life, things just happen the way we don't attend them to. Honestly, that is my solution - get over it and move on. Just because life and others throw you down does not mean that you need to keep yourself down. Pick yourself up, brush it off, and move on. Folks get too tangled in with their emotions, but emotions come and go. Facts are real and permanent, focus on that.


----------



## Kim Chee (May 14, 2016)

Adnil said:


> So me not crying about things that can't change but instead leaving them behind and moving on forward with my life is not a way to deal with troubles? Dealing with troubles is not all tears, anger, or yada yada. Sometimes it can be just facing the truth of it all to move on. Besides, nobody chooses a "traumatic or depressing" life, things just happen the way we don't attend them to. Honestly, that is my solution - get over it and move on. Just because life and others throw you down does not mean that you need to keep yourself down. Pick yourself up, brush it off, and move on. Folks get too tangled in with their emotions, but emotions come and go. Facts are real and permanent, focus on that.



Not everybody was blessed with your situation or coping skills.

Things are all relative, what you experience and feel can be quite different from what another person encounters and perceives.


On topic:
@sckumdumm, shoot me a pm if you feel like talking about your troubles.


----------



## Adnil (May 14, 2016)

Kim Chee said:


> Not everybody was blessed with your situation or coping skills.
> 
> Things are all relative, what you experience and feel can be quite different from what another person encounters and perceives.
> 
> ...



I wasn't born with this perspective, it's been taught to me, as those who know me can admit I've been through a lot myself. (That's one beauty of life, growing from it).

"Things are all relative, what you experience and feel can be quite different from what another person encounters and perceives."
I'm curious as to why you can't take this statement and place it with this whole thread? If you deeply believe that then it will be pointless of us to be pointing out our thoughts and actions on the situation since at the end - everything is different from individual to individual and our voice of advice will not make a difference because she isn't us and therefore can't help herself the way that we do. But wait, does my two cents not count because it is disagreed with for being a different method a little too hard for a few to swallow?
I'm not encouraging her to jump off a building or to stop seeking help, but encouraging her to grow a little tough skin to fade away unnecessary negative energy from today and be able to help herself in the future instead of needing to ask for more helping hands.

Edit; don't worry, I'm done here.


----------



## Itvo (May 15, 2016)

Having spent nearly a decade deeply depressed and through multiple times being suicidal I can give a few tips.

Firstly, make change, as soon as possible. Spending years deeply depressed and suicidal does very deep damage to you mentally. You may not see it but the longer you wait the worse it will get. No matter how you deal with it, doing something is better than just stagnating and sitting in misery, doing nothing. The only exception that may be worse than that is using drugs as a form of escapism. I've yet to see or better yet even hear anyone who got out of depression by using. Secondly, there is nothing anybody can tell you or anything you can tell yourself to make it better. You have to do it with actions as corny as it may sound. Find something that makes you feel human and do it. For me it has been and likely always will be music. Make it take your time. The more time you spend in your mind in this state, the more harm will befall you. Third, take a completely new direction. That is what I am doing and it is a completely new world I've entered into mentally (and soon physically). I'm not out traveling yet due to some minor delays but that is what I am going to be doing. I would describe the things I am throwing away to do this but that would be making it easy to disclose my identity. But rest assured, I threw away an opportunity that many people spend their whole lives looking for. It wasn't worth it because it made me unhappy. Ever since a child I always dreamed of going on epic adventures like in video games or movies and I think that is what my "_calling is._" Aside from making dope music and playing dope music. 

At the risk of sounding like a weird cult leader, you should embrace your new attitude of not caring about anything. When you embrace it instead of hating it and denying it, you will be almost taken aback at the wonders of life. It sounds very contradictory but when life means nothing and you fully feel that, you realize how amazing things can be. I moped for years about this, it became who I was. In the past half year or so, I realized that life means nothing when lived to anyone's standards but your own. 

I'm doing what I want without regard to what anyone thinks of me. It has already made life much more "difficult" but the mental relief afforded is by far worth it. When I am on my deathbed I want to be able to say I have no regrets. When you are suicidal you can understand that feeling and that deathbed "perception." You think your life is over and you have failed right? Otherwise you wouldn't be suicidal. At this state you can find more clarity about what you want life to be. I found that life meant for me to have no regrets when I die and to do whatever I wanted, no matter the consequences. 

Being suicidal is one of the greatest learning and improvement experiences you can have if you can get past it and be enlightened by it rather than consumed by it.


----------



## huckfinnegain (May 15, 2016)

when I feel that a breaking point of my own may be near, I remind myself about the paradoxical nature of this reality and try to look at my emotional situation as objectively as possible - and usually, if successful mind you, I determine what kinds of changes I need/ed to make in my life to alter my path for the better. as a personal rule, "god, the universe, and anything else'' presents to me whatever it is that's important and necessary for me to learn/experience at any given time. when death (of loved ones) overshadows yer immediate experience it's always rough, yet because we all must experience this ineluctable circumstance, the universal empathy may at least bring about solace. allowing others to empathize with you, as yer doing now, is definitely helpful. it can feel overbearing when all the emotional weight seems to be on the reverse-swing of the pendulum with no lack of momentum, but give it some time and it will swing back. 
also.. Kahlil Gibran always helps me to put things into perspective :

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. 
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain. 
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy; 
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields. 
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief. 
Much of your pain is self-chosen. 
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. 
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity: 
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen, 
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears."


----------



## Grubblin (May 15, 2016)

I think most everyone in the world has gone through unbelievably huge piles of shit in their life in some way or another. Some are just so good at hiding it that you can't tell. That's life and sometimes life sucks harder than others but that's the beauty of life, some days it sucks less. You have to focus on those days and try as best you can to forget as much of the bad ones as possible. I once believed that bc people looked like they had their shit together that they did and they were happy. Once you start talking to these people you realize that they have as screwed up a life as you do but often times in different ways,

Try something like traveling and seeing places that you never thought you'd see while doing things you'd never thought you'd do. It gives you something to look forward to so that you have at least a little light at the end of the dark tunnel that you're in. It's harder to do without any money but you can still do it. I would never tell you to "just let go of the past" for several reasons. Mainly, if you could let go of every facet of all of the horrible stuff you already would have and you might not feel as badly about your situation. Try to let go of as much as you can and don't be upset with yourself if you can't let go of it all, no one can let go of it all, I certainly can't and I'll never be able to.

So, there are all kinds of witty cliches I could spout off about living in moment but they're all pretty insulting and I suspect that most of the people who spout them off regularly have never known soul crushing despair. I do have one I like, "One eye on the past and the other on the future makes you cockeyed". To me it just means that you can't focus on your now because you're too busy worrying about things you can't change and things you can't control. Sometimes, especially when times are particularly dark, one day at a time is way to long to live for, so don't do one day at a time. Shorten your time frame to something more manageable. Live a half a day at a time, an hour at a time, ten minutes at a time, or even five minutes at a time - whatever time frame is more manageable for you. When you're in your time frame try to focus on whatever specific task you have at hand and not think about anything else you don't have to. If you're walking to the library focus on what books you want to read or websites you want to visit instead of that horrible thing that happened to you last week or where you're going to spend the night tonight. Add up a lot of little 'victories' and try to make something positive out of it. Every day that you live another day it's positive bc as long as you're still alive then life has a chance of getting better. If you choose to end it then you lose the chance that it will improve and you will let the people who have hurt you win. 

One last thing, don't be so hard on yourself. I think if most people, in this world not just this site, were honest, they would admit that they are their own harshest critic which really sucks ass because the voice inside your head is the only one you're required to listen to. Try to realize that you're just a human like everyone else and you've made mistakes in the past, you'll make mistakes in the future - it's what you do, it's being human.

I could go on but no one wants to read this book who isn't in the same situation you are so I'll stop boring people. I would never presume to tell someone how to live their life, these are just some of my thoughts on the subject and I'm just trying to help. Remember SMILE, and behind those clenched teeth tell the whole world to KISS YOUR ASS!


----------



## physics (May 15, 2016)

Hello, my new friend,

It seems that you have discovered the "Dark Place." Tread carefully here, for a plethora of monsters are waiting here in the shadows to devour you, or worse. This is a place of pain and confusion, a pain you want to stop sooo badly that you're willing EVEN to defy nature's most primal drives to end it. 

I've been there before, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Part of what helped me was simply God's will -- or, if you don't believe in such things, then SHEER DUMB LUCK. But as for forces within your control, my advice is the following:

1. A quote that helped me to heal from the Dark Place was from the author Augusten Burrroughs: 

This is what I’m saying: you hate your life.
But you don’t know what life is.
Life is too huge for you to possibly hate.
If you hate life, you haven’t seen enough of it. If you hate your life, it’s because your life is too small and does’t fit you.
However big you think your life is, it’s nothing compared to what’s out there.​
You have to KNOW this and BELIEVE it. 
*YOU DO NOT HATE YOU LIFE. You hate your situation, not your life. LIFE IS TOO BIG TO POSSIBLY HATE. *

Say it with me, *"I do not hate my life, I hate where I am right now. I don't want to escape my life, I want to escape where I am right now*." Hold on to this difference, because it is essential in order to survive this. The Dark Place will try to take this distinction from you; don't let it. Repeat it like a mantra. 



This next part comes with a little caveat, because it sounds like you're also dealing with heartbreak. The problem with running from heartbreak is that you end up taking yourself (and your heart) with you to wherever you going. I don't have advice for that. 

However, I was able to heal by leaving the "situation" that I "hated" (see mantra above). In your case, I don't know your situation so I'm not sure how I can advise you to leave. I found it important to RUN TOWARDS something, not just away from something. In my case, I was already an undergraduate so I enrolled in an exchange program; this got me away from my situation in a reasonable and "easy" way. I was running TO a new experience, not just away from my current one. 

In your case, it may make sense that running away takes the form of, I don't know... It's more challenging to give you specific advice here because I don't know what you're into. 

Perhaps joining the peace corp. 
Or the army/navy/etc/etc.
If you're an undergraduate (you're 20, so I have no idea) you could go on an exchange or take an internship halfway across the country, etc. There's the Engineers without Borders, if you're an engineering student. There's the Science Undergraduate Laboratory Internship (SULI) --- google it.

Whoever you might be, apply to shit -- all kinds of shit. Internships. Special programs. Schools. Whatever. ANY excuse to get out, and write all of your applications like they mean it to you.
Alternatively, many cities are the same. Buy a van, outfit it to live in it, and decide to waitress in Florida. Or California. Or wherever is not THERE and does not suck. 
The distance from the heartbreakers may help you make peace. Alternatively, it may cause them to miss you. More importantly, it will change you. Travel changes people, for the better. You see the world with new colors, new experiences, new relationships with people. It will make the situation, whatever it was, either go away or become different somehow, even if you don't see it now.



2. The second advice that I have for you is that suicide might sound, in your head, like it'll solve the problem. The things go away. IF you succeed, maybe it would, maybe it wouldn't -- nobody normal's ever come back from the dead to tell us how death works. 

BUT. I want you to realize, that there's a bigger risk -- if you SURVIVE, life gets worse. All the things you take for granted gets RIPPED from you, and then not only are you in so much worse shit, but then there's no more chance of suicide because you're on the "watch" and locked up in a hospital. You're caged like an animal, stripped of your rights and not allowed to make your own choices. 

Suicide is a TRAP. It allows the government free reign on drugging you up and making all of your choices for you. THEN, you won't be able to make your life any better, but you're at the mercy of whoever... People won't trust you anymore. You'll get kicked out of activities you love, groups, etc... There is less risk in running across the country. 


I shall leave you with one more quote: “Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving."
Terry Pratchett (A Hat Full of Sky)

So DO THAT. Leave, but leave with your life. Turn a stone, get out and run to something.

That's my two cents.

Sincerely,
Physics


----------



## Deleted member 16034 (May 15, 2016)

Honestly, I know how that feels. What I do when life has got me face down in the dirt trying to smear mud in my teeth is I change.

Someone smart (Einstein?) once said that insanity is trying the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.

Think about what you want and how you are going about getting that thing or scenario. Then think outside the box for four different ways to (hopefully) get the result you want. Go ahead and try the things you've never done before.

That's how I deal with feeling stuck or lost or miserable. If nothing else it shows you have options. 

Like others have said earlier, you can shoot any one of us a PM, I'm probably the worst at getting back to people, but I'll do it for you.


----------



## creature (May 17, 2016)

a lot of good replies to a single message..
interestingly, since yer original post was kind of general, you got some pretty general sort of replies..
FizzySticks poked at details, & that may be what we need..

in the general?

shit gets fucked up & you either get past it, die, or it gets worse until you die..

or you can ignore it.

or you can try & perform a reasonable assessment & try & apply the ideas it brings..

if nobody is depending on you.. if you aren't breaking any promises or fucking up anyone elses life that depends upon you for their welfare, you are pretty fucking free.

screw yer parents, screw school, screw having a job, screw anything that keeps you from understanding what you have to do to be you.

unless you have a kid.

if you have a kid, you need to break your ass to do what you need to love them.

turning away from something like that.. well.. just don't fucking go there..

are your parents healthy enough to care for themselves?

you actually owe them nothing.

you did not ask for existence, & being born carries no obligations upon you, except those which are forced.

your parents loved you & kept you as healthy as they could?

good.

that is their fucking duty.

they have no right to ask anything of you, other than you be fair to fucking others.

& fair does *not* mean doing what other people want.

.. in any case, details would help..

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY IF YOU HAVE NOT ACTED WITH DISHONESTY,
to yourself or others..

& confusion is not dishonesty..

if you're actually sane, confusion is the state of being separated from simplicity.

sane people are inherently simple.

fairness is inherently simple.

if people want to complicate your life with all the shit they imagine?

fuck 'em.

there are not a whole lot of basic obligations that bind *anyone*..

there is kindness..
simplicity..
fairness
& the obligation of keeping promises.

when *any* of that shit gets fucked up, good people feel angst..

angst that goes on for too long becomes any number of things;
-hate
-depression
-disillusionment
even fucking hopelessness..

so hit us up with some details, sis..


peace,

c

.


----------



## Odin (May 18, 2016)

Damn Skippy... @creature I alway like to read your unique way of saying it it... whats be it how it is. There are bits there I need to assimilate as well. 



Well, OP @sckumdumm as you can see people can relate and wish to help with advice and life perspective. I hope your doing better and will ramble on here a bit myself I suppose. 

I can go on that level of a never ending loop of depression I do it often and a *bit* of _haha_, bit of boozing doesn't help and then sometimes it does. I'm a hopeless obsessive philosophizin existential angstin bum comic from space... and that leads to strange days and nights.

I know what it's like to focus on the negatives. I think what what is best said, it's like your environment needs to change... yet at the same time to find the strength to make that change is a challenge that is fought on the inside. 

I know we may just be monuments of chiseled granite from some other dimension crumbling with the passing of time to dust. Magnificent in our cut and majesty yet worn by the rain and wind...

IF that is our fate it is our fate. 

Yet...

Hold your head up high... and keep a FIERCE look in those eyes. 

Stare straight ahead at the world & spit fire at the storm;

*"*
Cry Hark the Heavens open at my behest yet the Daemon spawned wind of _Barad_-_dûr _batters me incessantly... 

Know, I shall never give in. 

I stand, I will not go gently into the night; I ignite and Burn and Rave at dawn of each new day.

So all souls may know my open eyes blaze like meteors and all my deeds reflect my brazen smile.

Never shall I allow Curses, Blessings or Brightly shed tears drive me to doubt or unending fear.

For as Gandalf once said, "At dawn, Look to the East",..

So we may take courage in hope, hope made from pure memory after dusks tribulations held at bay by starlight.

And in this lies your proof, we did not go... go gently into the night. 

Ergo, as remembrance shall serve us...

We did Rage... Rage... against the dying of the light.
_*"*_

In tribute as well, I sourced and mangled from the Great late Dylan Thomas & Tolkien. "Respect"

Cheers: ::drinkingbuddy::::woot::::cigar::::cat::::chicken::::stinkyfeet::::eyepatch::....... ..... ...::


----------



## Grubblin (May 18, 2016)

So to the OP, there are some pretty amazing posts on this thread from people that you have never met and in all likely hood that you'll never meet. I truly hope that this advice (advice that I wish I'd had years ago) has helped you. Even if not a word that has been said on here has helped you, you should take solace in the fact that all of these total strangers have tried to help you. Take solace because it proves that there are good people in the world, not many but a few, and those people are trying. So if these strangers are trying to help you, then imagine what they would do to help you (or good people like them would do) if you were friends. I don't know what you situation is and I'm not asking for even one detail here but sometimes it helps if you squint your eyes, cock your head, and look at the situation a little differently. Good luck with your struggle!


----------



## A New Name (May 21, 2016)

This is why I love STP, and all you fellas out there. To the OP, all I can say is good luck on getting yourself straight to deal with whatever it is needs dealing with. So yeah, good luck.


----------

