# Reflecting, venting, just need to get some sad shit out.



## croc (Jan 2, 2021)

Lesson of the year: No one can love, help, or hurt me the way I can love, help, or hurt myself.


This year I had my dog stolen, hastily jumped into a relationship, ignored my gut, fed codependency, saw hella new states, went cross country like 5 times, got a guitar, got another pup, entertained the idea of monogamy, became a better vandal, became a worse- yet more knowledgeable- train rider, started eating meat regularly for the first time in 10 years, became bum rich, took way too many ubers to the hop out, argued, neglected my needs, ignored my morals, skinned a raccoon head, went to Mexico, drank too often, started raising another puppy with my partner, lost said puppy and my partner...

Then new years hit.

What a stereotypical time to be in a transition period... I'm not into the new years resolutions and all that shit. I don't see a date as a reason for things to change. But here we are. It's just the second day into the new year and I'm starting a new chapter.

Sorry this is gonna get dark...

The last few days I've been almost praying that something will just take me out. If I didn't have my dog, I'd be walking too close to traffic on purpose, climbing on top of train cars, getting drunk enough to hopefully fall between them and die. I'm too much of a pussy to kill myself, I think. Plus if it's some accident then my dad, brothers, and friends won't have to wonder what they could have done differently. I feel like saying I want to die keeps me from doing it. They say ppl who talk about suicide are not the ones who follow thru.

It feels like I've taken the progress I'd made in the two years before this one and shit all over it. Discarded the lessons I thought I'd learned. How to be alone. No serious relationships. No spending 24/7 with anyone. Taking solo time when I am traveling w someone. Being extra careful to be discrete on trains. Take ur meds. Don't do drugs u find and justify it by saying u didn't go looking for them. Stop sleeping w someone once u feel like they don't respect u. BE YOUR OWN HOME. BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND.

I feel brainwashed and small and pathetic. Like I've failed myself.

Then there's these brief bursts of hope, motivation to move forward n achieve goals.

Then it's gone.

U know how when ur depressed u stop caring? Like about everything, no matter how much u love that thing. I don't feel like I love anything rn. I know logically that behind this cloud of depression, I do love my friends, my close family, my dog, trains, trees, the sun, music. But I don't feel it. I don't feel much other than sinking, nauseating pain right now.

I've got goals. Plans for a winter home base. Plans for new states in the spring. But I can't feel excited or good about any of it. I feel scared and tired.

Traveling saved my life and now that I know how to do it, how to get anywhere... It feels unfulfilling and almost like there's nowhere I want to go. I have the country at my finger tips and a phone that tells me everything there is in each place I could go. And I don't care any more. I don't enjoy anything any more. There's nowhere I'd want to live stationary either. And I think that would make it worse anyway.

A good friend's advice to me recently was to find good community. But it feels nearly impossible to find other people who like trains, dumpsters, sleeping outside, AND take care of themselves. I wondered how hard it would be to keep sober or nearly sober company on the road before traveling nd now I can say from experience it's fucking hard. Nearly impossible. I have one friend, out of many, who eats healthy n uses substances to a very moderate level and exercises. It feels like everyone is numbing w drinking n other drugs and ODing and giving up. When I do meet healthy ppl on the road they're usually traveling solo and are far more motivated than I am. It feels unattainable. Idk how they do it and maintain it.

One of my more casual friends from my home town, an ex coworker, just died from cancer the day after me n my now ex broke up. She's been fighting it for years so it's good that she's out of her pain now... But she was one of those people who always put others first. Always said hello and smiled at everyone. Loved life and didn't let shit get her down. She's like my friend, Breezy, I wrote an obit for on StP in 2018: Sunshine. She just made the world seem bright and life beautiful. After a year of covid and isolation and relapses and overdoses... One of the brightest people I've ever met is gone. And she left slowly and painfully, but never gave up hope. Her last wish was the wedding of her dreams. She never got that and never will. She loved life and wanted to live so badly. And I can't trade places w her and give her the life that I want to end. But I wish I could. And feel like a spoiled rich kid who doesn't care about the iPod his parents got him for christmas.

When I started writing this I was thinking it might turn hopeful. But I'm just tired. So fucking tired. And I wish I could donate my able body and life to someone who would appreciate it bc I surely don't.

The world feels like it's gotten darker and darker. And even tho I know this is a down and things will go back up, there's always another down after that. And idk how many more downs I can take.

Happy new year.


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## WanderLost (Jan 2, 2021)

Hey dude I've been there for sure. Its not fun, but hopefully things will start lookin up for you soon.
I've been thinking some of the same things about meeting sober people. I've been sober since the 18th of December and plan to hit the road in like a month. Been worried about relapsing as soon as i do or as soon as i start hanging with a drinker. 
So anyway feel free to hit me up anytime if you need a sober buddy. I got a planet fitness membership rn if you wanna be gym bums haha.


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## croc (Jan 2, 2021)

WanderLost said:


> Hey dude I've been there for sure. Its not fun, but hopefully things will start lookin up for you soon.
> I've been thinking some of the same things about meeting sober people. I've been sober since the 18th of December and plan to hit the road in like a month. Been worried about relapsing as soon as i do or as soon as i start hanging with a drinker.
> So anyway feel free to hit me up anytime if you need a sober buddy. I got a planet fitness membership rn if you wanna be gym bums haha.


Yo, thanks for reaching out. I'll hit u up bc I'm actually in ur area. Just to be transparent for u n anyone else who reads this: I'm not sober. I smoke weed every day unless I don't have any, which I try to not let happen. And I drink beer (sometimes wine) sometimes. The amount and frequency depends on who I'm around but when I'm w someone in recovery who can't be around drinking I have no problem not drinking in their company. Any other drugs I try to just stay away from entirely so I don't use them.


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## Beegod Santana (Jan 2, 2021)

I think anyone who lives on the road for a while eventually hits what I think of the "empty wall." Basically you hit a point where you've been around enough that the thrill is totally gone from traveling, you're desperate for something different, but despite feeling like you can go anywhere, there doesn't seem to be anywhere worthwhile to go. Despite the endless talk of freedom, this lifestyle can certainly feel like a cage at points.

The one thing you can guarantee though is that things change. As long as you keep playing the game the world will change and so will you with it. Will you be in a better place in 10 yrs? No can say, but statistically you have a good chance of it. The more you learn, the more experience you gain, the more people you meet ect.. all increase the likelihood of you finding meaning and longer bouts of happiness.

When you hit that wall all you can do is remind yourself things WILL change. Although you can't see the path in front of you, you're still walking it and wherever you get won't be where you're at now. 

I know it's hard, sorry about the ramblings, hope you feel better.


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## croc (Jan 2, 2021)

Beegod Santana said:


> I think anyone who lives on the road for a while eventually hits what I think of the "empty wall." Basically you hit a point where you've been around enough that the thrill is totally gone from traveling, you're desperate for something different, but despite feeling like you can go anywhere, there doesn't seem to be anywhere worthwhile to go. Despite the endless talk of freedom, this lifestyle can certainly feel like a cage at points.
> 
> The one thing you can guarantee though is that things change. As long as you keep playing the game the world will change and so will you with it. Will you be in a better place in 10 yrs? No can say, but statistically you have a good chance of it. The more you learn, the more experience you gain, the more people you meet ect.. all increase the likelihood of you finding meaning and longer bouts of happiness.
> 
> ...


Thanks, man. Why does no one talk about the E M P T Y W A L L ? It's very real. And I think it's why a lot of folks either get off the road or just get endlessly fucked up to where it doesn't matter where u are or what ur doing. 
Moreso than caged I feel like a bird who broke out of a cage and then realized his wings don't work right.


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## Romanriff (Jan 2, 2021)

I'm sorry about your dog there's nothing like losing a dog. I feel almost the exact same right now. It might be the lack of sleep, liquor store food, and winter but I don't know how long I can last out here alone. Not that I'm not capable but I think I have glamourous expectations of the world that can't be fulfilled. I kinda expected the distant lands I'd travel to be better than where I was before but it's not. I've always traveled alone and when I do I start to latch on to the things around me and get depressed when the morbid reality is too much. Idk maybe I'm just a pussy. I totally agree the world does seem darker and last night while waiting for my sbd I hear some kid died down the line the day before and very gruesomely. I have seen too much shit in one week with very little sleep and it just seems like a looming future ahead of me no matter where my life goes. Life should get better, I think.


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## Beegod Santana (Jan 2, 2021)

croc said:


> Thanks, man. Why does no one talk about the E M P T Y W A L L ? It's very real. And I think it's why a lot of folks either get off the road or just get endlessly fucked up to where it doesn't matter where u are or what ur doing.
> Moreso than caged I feel like a bird who broke out of a cage and then realized his wings don't work right.


Sadly I think it has a lot to a do with the "manifest destiny" mentality so many travelers have. People convince themselves that as long as they only focus on the positive things will always work out. Almost like astrology in a way.

Don't know if it's actually true but I remember reading somewhere about how sailors would never learn to swim because it was considered a bad omen. I feel the traveler community treats being responsible the same way. Like if you're truly free there's no need for moderation, responsibilities or any planning past what you're gonna do that day. 

I think a lot of those put together travelers you meet are the ones who hit the wall and keep going. Maybe it's natural for some people but most of use learn how to keep it together by being hot messes for extended periods of time it seems.


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## croc (Jan 2, 2021)

Thanks for droppin wisdom @Beegod Santana


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## MetalBryan (Jan 2, 2021)

I don't know much but I know about being scared and tired. Sounds like you did some cool shit in 2020 but I know there's a limit to what's "new" and I've been out and about enough I'm scared AND tired of the old. I think it's okay to feel the way you do but I hope you don't act on it because I like your presence here even though we don't know each other.


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## croc (Jan 2, 2021)

MetalBryan said:


> I don't know much but I know about being scared and tired. Sounds like you did some cool shit in 2020 but I know there's a limit to what's "new" and I've been out and about enough I'm scared AND tired of the old. I think it's okay to feel the way you do but I hope you don't act on it because I like your presence here even though we don't know each other.


Back at ya, @MetalBryan and I'm hella jealous of those pub subs u been gettin into. Those should be a prescribed antidepressant.


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## Coywolf (Jan 3, 2021)

I fuckin' feel for you dude, and Im going to throw out some positive vibes to the Train Gods for ya while yer out there dealing with a whole bunch of 2020 shit.



croc said:


> The last few days I've been almost praying that something will just take me out. If I didn't have my dog, I'd be walking too close to traffic on purpose, climbing on top of train cars, getting drunk enough to hopefully fall between them and die. I'm too much of a pussy to kill myself, I think. Plus if it's some accident then my dad, brothers, and friends won't have to wonder what they could have done differently.



I was just talking to a mutual friend about this. About how I went through a horrible break up after 7 years, and drove my motorcycle the wrong way down a country road at 70 mph hoping that a car would come around the corner....I look back on that now and think, 'fuck. If that car came, I would never have experienced travel. Never experienced trains. Never met all the fucks on this site (❤) and realized there might be a group of people I could relate to, even if slightly, and reinvent myself.

There is always an after, even if it blows now, there is an ever present opportunity to phoenix that shit and rise from the ashes. You got this.



croc said:


> I know logically that behind this cloud of depression, I do love my friends, my close family, my dog, trains, trees, the sun, music. But I don't feel it. I don't feel much other than sinking, nauseating pain right now.











croc said:


> Traveling saved my life and now that I know how to do it, how to get anywhere... It feels unfulfilling and almost like there's nowhere I want to go. I have the country at my finger tips and a phone that tells me everything there is in each place I could go





croc said:


> A good friend's advice to me recently was to find good community. But it feels nearly impossible to find other people who like trains, dumpsters, sleeping outside, AND take care of themselves.



With the above quote, and this one, I feel like your good friends advice may be sound. Immersing yourself into a different group of people may be exactly what you need at the moment. Be very selective, see some people you know will have your back, that you trust, that you know will make you laugh, sing, play music, and ride some fucking trains. 

It is difficult to find people out there in this lifestyle that treat you well, pick you up when you are down, and that you can count on/trust. BUT, they are there, and I know you know of at least a few out there that you can visit rn that fall into that category. Methinks you may be traveling towards some in your travels atm.



croc said:


> It feels like everyone is numbing w drinking n other drugs and ODing and giving up. When I do meet healthy ppl on the road they're usually traveling solo and are far more motivated than I am. It feels unattainable. Idk how they do it and maintain it.



This. This is real. I feel like I may be falling into that black hole with the drink right now. It becomes harder and harder when your compass starts spinning and you dont have a destination...substances start taking over and you dont see it until you are under the thumb, so to speak.

On the last part of your quote, traveling solo can, and will, in my experience, give you the power to better yourself and live the life you want to live. Motivation is a bitch, but it's a new year, and that's a great excuse. You definitely sound like you have the, well, everything, to get out there and kick the world in the balls. Get some. 



croc said:


> When I started writing this I was thinking it might turn hopeful. But I'm just tired. So fucking tired. And I wish I could donate my able body and life to someone who would appreciate it bc I surely don't.



I feel like some desert sun, good people, and rest might help ease this feeling. I cant like, say that for sure or anything...and I know the whole 'this will pass' bullshit doesnt really ever work. But man, some change of scenery and people can do some wonders.



croc said:


> It's very real. And I think it's why a lot of folks either get off the road or just get endlessly fucked up to where it doesn't matter where u are or what ur doing.



But that's the point, it DOESNT matter where you go, or what you are doing...the point is that you are DOING it. And every doing is just another log in the book of experience...not like, wisdom...but experience. The fact of being able to look back and be like 'damn, that blew, but I'm glad I got thru it' is sometimes what I look to when things get too hard. The ability to experience new things, good or horrible, in my mind, is better than experiencing nothing at all. Darkness. It's like, forever homebumming it in purgatory.

As I said before, ya got this, and I know we be seeing you out there soon. There isint alot many people can say at a time like this that can help, but I hope the community coming together (paired with that pic of 'lil Gue-Yermo in the desert) can at least give ya some positive vibes.

Hold ya head up, and ride safe yo! 🤙


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## Jambalaya (Jan 3, 2021)

Man I don't know you and I'm a newbie here. I can say this though. You have the knowledge that led to these experiences and from that you gain wisdom. Wisdom to know not to put yourself in a position to experience the same things over and over that ultimately lead to that empty wall. You said everything everyone of us will ever need to know about ourselves in the first sentence. Only we as individuals in our own experiences can figure out how and when to stop hurting ourselves.

In my personal struggles things really started to change for me when I realized. " Nothing happens to me everything happens because of me. " I made that shit my mantra. Every time my mood changed or my general well being fit that matter I would recite that shit in my head over and over. It gave me a chance to reflect on shit and not let it change my perception of the world around me, I was in control.

I know we all process things a little differently. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone and you got people here for you.


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## bote (Jan 4, 2021)

Maybe it's a little twisted, but reading your post made me feel a bit better about myself, not because you're more fucked up than me but rather because I recognize a lot of myself in what you're saying and feel less alone with it. Yes, there are always ups and downs, but right now is a hell of a time to be an idealist, and you can call it something else if you want but that's what it means to pursue a life invented from your own beliefs. Invention can be noble and beautiful but it can always just turn back into nothing, like it has for you right now.
I think you write really well and it demonstrates passion. There will always be people to appreciate this about you, and hopefully to remind you to appreciate it in yourself.


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## superphoenix (Jan 7, 2021)

Hey croc, 

I would say get some alone time for now and then you can look for the right community when the time is right. I'm always around to talk, and you know I have a strong sense of discipline when it comes to drugs/drinking if you're back in the northeast and you feel like you need a break to detox or cut back a little, and I can potentially introduce you to a few like-minded people as well and hopefully open some doors.


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## MFB (Jan 7, 2021)

Jambalaya said:


> " Nothing happens to me everything happens because of me. " I made that shit my mantra. Every time my mood changed or my general well being fit that matter I would recite that shit in my head over and over


This usually worked for me too during stints of depression.
Though, it was "nothing happens to me; everything happens FOR me". As in everything that one goes through in life is a lesson needed; whether in patience, love, strength, etc. A diamond needs friction to be polished; and we need struggle to become the best versions of ourselves. Otherwise we end up boring and entitled. But I like the idea of a mantra bc it reminds us that that our thoughts make up our environment and we have the capacity to control our thoughts. When one's head goes to a dark place a mantra can be an easy way to flip the script and not give any negative thoughts credence.

On another note, one thing that I wish I knew when I was in my 20s was that it gets easier. I would have these epic meltdowns that would last a few weeks. Depression, anxiety, etc. It scared me to think I would have to deal with it for the rest of my life. But each meltdown you battle through you get better at it, know what to expect, how to get through it quicker, and you also know what actions and routines prevent the meltdowns. I still get into funks. but they are much shorter in length and easier to deal with.

Another idea that helped me; it's something that we all feel.
When I was young I thought I was an outlier bc of my mental state and that made me feel disconnected. I felt shame that I couldnt be a normal happy dood, especially so bc I was so lucky to have the life that I do. But the more I talked with people about this, and the human condition in general, I learned that most of us are completely nuts and dealing with whatever nuerosis we have the best we know how. In knowing that I felt less alone in my depression.


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## Barf (Jan 8, 2021)

Hey croc, glad you got on here and blew off some steam instead of doing that in a more dangerous fashion.

Next time you pass through Missoula you should look me up. I'd love to hang out and talk trains for awhile.

much love,
barf


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## croc (Jan 9, 2021)

Thank u to everyone who's replied since my last comment. I feel like there's something I can take from everyone sharing their own feels n experiences.

I'm happy to say I've made it to my winter home in one piece n have my own space to work on myself and some projects like fixing up my camp/this rv I get to call home. The ppl at my camp aren't big drinkers, mostly just stoners, have family meetings about things that affect the whole camp, and otherwise I'm free to do as I want. If I go on any trips, my shit won't get stolen and I have something to come back to. My dog has other dogs to play with. 
Onward. 
Upward.


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## roughdraft (Jan 9, 2021)

croc said:


> Thank u to everyone who's replied since my last comment. I feel like there's something I can take from everyone sharing their own feels n experiences.
> 
> I'm happy to say I've made it to my winter home in one piece n have my own space to work on myself and some projects like fixing up my camp/this rv I get to call home. The ppl at my camp aren't big drinkers, mostly just stoners, have family meetings about things that affect the whole camp, and otherwise I'm free to do as I want. If I go on any trips, my shit won't get stolen and I have something to come back to. My dog has other dogs to play with.
> Onward.
> Upward.



peaks & valleys

thank you for sharing content everyone can relate to


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## Odin (Jan 10, 2021)

Life is a Mystery wrapped up in a Dream projected among the Stars reflecting back through the Darkness in our eyes; a never ending Story.


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## Sonny913 (Jan 13, 2021)

Croc,

I'm new. I don't know you or anyone here yet
But I felt everything you shared. And everything that everyone else said. Because I have very similar difficulties. And you know what? Some of us may have more or less of it, but I'm pretty sure that almost everyone has some of it. That's why sharing our struggles is so helpful. We all draw strength from one another.

I am glad you got to your winter place. Hopefully it'll give you the chance to regroup and become stronger again.

I can't tell you - nobody can tell you - that this storm is going to blow over this week or next, or next month or the month after. Even when it does, I can't tell you that it's going to all be sunshine and roses. In life there ARE no guarantees.

What I CAN tell you, is that - even though someone above didn't think much of it - this WILL pass. You don't know what the next phase will be like. It may be "better" or "worse". But it will be *different.

The ups and downs in life are given to us to strengthen us and prepare us for opportunities coming up around a few curves. It's like building muscle. If you don't work your arms, they don't develop strength. That's what trials and struggles do for our minds and our endurance.

I hope you'll stick around and make the very best of the life you've been given. Next month it might be one of us in your kind of crisis, and you might be able to help us. Or someone somewhere in your travels. If you aren't there, then Destiny will have to find someone else, instead of being able to work through you.

Hang on, buddy. Like others have said, feel free to drop me a line any time. I'll be glad to help if I can.

Peace and happiness, my friend. ❤️


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