# Finding Sanity In An Insane World



## Alexander (Jan 30, 2012)

I'm writing this at a very confused and dark time in my mind, a time where I feel stuck, incapable and indifferent with all the choices that I am "supposed" to make as a human living on this speck of dust. Every day that goes by is one more day I lose myself in the stagnant mind that is my depression. I want so desperately to pack my very few belongings and leave for the sake of myself and my sanity, but I keep doubting my ability to do so. My world has collapsed since last year when I supposedly went "manic" in the Chicago area for about 5 months straight, now I am a ghost of that person feeling more dead than alive. I remember the rush I had when I was on the streets and never knew where the next train would take me, and I will admit that I felt almost supernaturally able to do things and I convinced myself that life was just a game. I didn't travel much further than the immediate surrounding areas of Chicago, and only got mugged once luckily. 

I've been brought up Christian my entire life, and now that I really look into it the more insane it sounds. So, on top of the fact that I am alone, depressed, unmotivated, and underemployed, I am also questioning the existence of god as well. The ironic thing is that when I was "manic" god was everywhere and everything consisted of a supernatural presence.

At this point I just want to leave. I am too comfortable sleeping all day at my parents house and it is making me feel even worse. The docs say that I have bipolar, and feeling the way I am now there is a part of me that sees validity to that statement, but my environment could be a big part of it. 


So here is my recent mindset

If I leave I might not survive and barely get by, if I stay it wouldn't have made much of a story.


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## freedude2012 (Jan 30, 2012)

venchure out if ya feel the need but your head up and your heart strong because no matter how long that long dark musty tunnel is there is always a bright new begining at the darks end bro. weve all been there and we always return from time to time we jus have to fight our back out again


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## Alexander (Jan 30, 2012)

yeah that dark part really needs to fuck off now...If it doesn't go away I'm gonna have to do something to wake me up outta this coma. Might need to put some fire under my ass in this life in order to live and thrive.


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## dprogram (Jan 30, 2012)

Being Bi-Polar is serious business but don't let the psychologists label you before you do some soul searching. Maybe the reason you "feel" depressed is because things aren't going the way you'd like. I know I feel down a bunch when my life seems to be at a low point. (which it currently is) It's common so don't beat yourself up about it. Just find something to occupy your mind and your time. Try to get a job. You'll waste time, get to interact with other people, and possibly have fun. It may not be for you though...I dont really like working but it's better than being bored. Being too bored makes me nutty. I say question the validity of "god" and religion in general...

*"It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring." *
*- Carl Sagan*


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## freedude2012 (Jan 30, 2012)

heres a good fire if ur unhappy were u are. then let ur free spirit guide u to the end of that tunnel and back to freedom there are assholes out there but there are more ppl that are willin to help


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## Alexander (Jan 30, 2012)

dprogram said:


> Being Bi-Polar is serious business but don't let the psychologists label you before you do some soul searching. Maybe the reason you "feel" depressed is because things aren't going the way you'd like. I know I feel down a bunch when my life seems to be at a low point. (which it currently is) It's common so don't beat yourself up about it. Just find something to occupy your mind and your time. Try to get a job. You'll waste time, get to interact with other people, and possibly have fun. It may not be for you though...I dont really like working but it's better than being bored. Being too bored makes me nutty. I say question the validity of "god" and religion in general...
> 
> *"It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring." *
> *- Carl Sagan*


Yeah, I def don't like the whole idea of labeling people like they do these days, I know it's a serious issue, but I feel like there are many more things that could help me feel better. I had a job for 5 years and it just seemed like there was always something not quite right there. I always had issues with doing everything exactly how they wanted it and they just started giving me shit hours so I left. I don't really see myself getting a full time job and "living the American dream" which I think is just a big scam for people to put more money into the monetary monster. One thing about being on the road, you never get bored haha. well sometimes but usually just to relax  Oh yeah the more I read about religion the more Atheist I become, nice quote btw love Mr. Sagan.


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## Alexander (Jan 30, 2012)

freedude2012 said:


> heres a good fire if ur unhappy were u are. then let ur free spirit guide u to the end of that tunnel and back to freedom there are assholes out there but there are more ppl that are willin to help


def agree man, life is a river let it flow. that's fire water ha


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## freedude2012 (Jan 30, 2012)

sometimes it is fire water sometimes its rough and at times its calm enough u can see ur own futcher in it


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## Alexander (Jan 31, 2012)

damn straight man.


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## freedude2012 (Jan 31, 2012)

see things r already lookin up bro now ya jus got to find ur way to the light


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## hunter (Jan 31, 2012)

Alexander said:


> Yeaht. I don't really see myself getting a full time job and "living the American dream" which I think is just a big scam for people to put more money into the monetary monster.


Why do you think they have a section on the american dream in history classes?


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## freedude2012 (Jan 31, 2012)

and we all have our own dreams just get out there and make them come true


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## Alexander (Jan 31, 2012)

hunter said:


> Why do you think they have a section on the american dream in history classes?


yeah i can see your point, happiness is my dream.


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## freedude2012 (Jan 31, 2012)

so persue your dream were ever it may take you its out there ya jus got to go find it


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## dprogram (Jan 31, 2012)

I feel that what society places on us as far as "roles" go are nothing like what the human mind requires to be happy. The only standards we have to live up are our own man. I used to believe that I needed a degree, a high paying job, a wife, kids, a house with a white picket fence to be happy. Had the high paying job, grrl, and a house only to realize that I let myself get suckered into that. That's not what's important. Personal happiness is and it's not dependent on material things or other people. 

"It's called the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it." George Carlin

I agree with Freedude2012's above statement. You got this man.


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## Sauv89 (Jan 31, 2012)

Anyone in Chi [email protected] 420 hook up? New to town and wanna smoke


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## hunter (Jan 31, 2012)

Sauv89 said:


> Anyone in Chi [email protected] 420 hook up? New to town and wanna smoke


Your real smart, aincha?


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## freedude2012 (Jan 31, 2012)

Sauv89 said:


> Anyone in Chi [email protected] 420 hook up? New to town and wanna smoke


REALLY??


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## barefootinbabylon (Feb 1, 2012)

I would suggest going on down to the local police station; they're generally in the know on where the dealers are.


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## Alexander (Feb 1, 2012)

hahaha


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## mj27 (Feb 1, 2012)

i was/am in that state ever since i came back to stay with my family a few months ago. questioned getting a job and living the 'normal' life but when i got down to it, the idea of staying in a place that makes me sick and doing some medial job i dont give a fuck about just worsened my state. my parents run a church and i always believed that there was a god out there, but lately i've been doing some research and actually getting the historical facts on the events that are noted in the bible and i'm at a loss to prove any truth. and taking something you've been programmed to believe your entire life to only disprove it can really fuck up my whole idea on existanced as i knew it... and it really got me down. but to know the truth is more comforting i've come to believe, at least im no longer following some story some long ago government made up to keep their people at bay... but basically i've decided to seach for truth and in that traveling is the way to go for me, and my morale has been better the past week or so. sometimes times get you down, but all in all be thankful your alive to make the decisions you have to make. nerveracking as things get might as well try and fail than to wonder. i hope it works out for you.


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## barefootinbabylon (Feb 1, 2012)

You can always find research that will either prove or disprove whatever it is you are looking for - in your case, the historical authenticity/validity of (I'm assuming? Since we're 'Merikans) Jesus, and the Bible as a whole. I did a fair amount of researching that sort of thing myself, reading everything from The Case for Christ to Why I Don't Believe in God (Bertrand Russell), to everything in between, and guess what?! I STILL don't have any answers, truly: ultimately, what it all came down to in my mind was that if we measly humans were to ever presume to know the true nature of God, we would pretty much be akin to gods ourselves. He/she/it is completely and utterly beyond a neatly packaged little box labeled Religion A, Religion B, Religion C, D, or X.3 - as they said in Dogma, 'No religion has got it ALL right, but the important thing is that we HAVE faith...' and I think that's completely true. Growing up is definitely about finding one's own way, and that often includes questioning the validity of one's parents' beliefs, be they spiritual or not. I commend your searching for Truth (with a capital T... your OWN truth), and wish you the best of luck on it. 

Here's what I think about the Bible: I do believe it has some basis in historical fact, as has been evidenced by things like Roman censuses from the times at hand, and loads of other documents - damn, I wish it hadn't been 5 years since I've read this stuff, but I DO know that historians have found secular documents that had close similarities to things in the Bible, especially the Old Testament. The original writers WERE simply historians, writing down the facts and happenings as they knew them and reported them to be. HOWEVEERR, the Bible since then has undergone numerous translations and re-writings, and THAT'S when the whole 'government making up a story to keep their people at bay' bit comes in - namely, the Roman Catholic church picked and chose about what would be included, and what would be left out. I always thought it fascinating, the number of OTHER gospels that are out there (Thomas, Mary Magdelene, Judas, etc.), but were not included for a variety of reasons... The number 1 being control of the people: in Thomas, Jesus is quoted as saying that the Kingdom of God is WITHIN YOU... this was anything BUT a pleasing thing to advocate from a church that made people pay plenary indulgences, so... no Gospel of Thomas. Things like that. The fact that Jesus, as portrayed in the New Testament (original texts HAVE been found), is reported to have fulfilled sooooo many prophecies from the O.T., made 100's of years before his birth - my old youth pastor told me once the figure is something like, 'the likelihood that one man could fulfill all the prophecies that Jesus did is something like covering the entire state of Texas with silver dollars, marking one of them randomly, and then successfully selecting that ONE silver dollar.' Yeah, the odds are apparently that high.

There's also that whole 'Bible Code' business, which I find realllyyy crazy. Check it out if you haven't. Maybe the whole Bible IS just code for something else, ya never know. 

Anyways. There's my... 2 cents. I'm not a Christian, I just like studying these things (all religions, really), and keeping an open mind about them. It's crazily fascinating, and I know you'll find your way - asking questions is good, asking questions is awesome!! Mad props to ya, girl  Take care.

Namaste, Blessed Be,
~ melissA


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## Alexander (Feb 2, 2012)

Truth is what you find for yourself in this world, I too have heard the probability being alluded to as the silver dollar thing as well...thanks conservative christian education. I really think a lot of my beliefs have been indoctrinated from my early youth, and I even remember having thoughts when I used to be teased a lot that I wanted to go to heaven, because it had to be better than what I was experiencing. I wasn't suicidal, but I was very young to be thinking these things at that age. I saw a video on youtube where a priest admits that hell was specifically invented to create fear in people as a sense of controlling them. I do not believe in a religion that uses fear and guilt as a way for people to continue to follow a certain way of thinking. Fear and guilt are what make people go insane, especially if you have no other exposure to more open ways of thought. I have been brought up christian my entire life, went to church most of my childhood, but no longer go as of the last few years...Especially now that I am starting to disagree with most of what is taught, especially the "unconditional love" except if you are gay, a thief, a murderer etc...That statement itself is a contradiction. So, yeah added to my depression, and my loneliness I have an internal issue with my "faith" and everything I believed about reality at the same time. My mind is FUCKED UP. So right now I work a mundane job that I don't care two shits about, I live at home so money isn't an issue, but I just have an overwhelming feeling that I just don't belong in this close minded, robotic style of living like everyone else seems to be so comfortable with. I keep waiting to snap out of it and I think its a bad thing that I'm not materialistic but that is just what this place wants you to feel like. Every day I want to just walk. I have to find my inner peace now, without the "grownups imaginary friend"


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## mj27 (Feb 2, 2012)

its funny that you mentioned to book of thomas that was not put in the bible because that (and all the other books i believe martin luther had suggested be put in, i could be wrong on the martin luther fact but i think it was him), but the government at the time said no way and that its what started my search for truth... but thanks for the insight i love hearing other opinions to be able to question my own (or lack there of in some cases) like i said havent done a whole lotta looking just yet but whats life for right? and to alexander, its good not to be materialistic.. one of my favorite quotes from a book i just finished i think says it all '''the casting away of things is symbolic. talismanic. when you cast away things, you're also casting away the self-related others that are symbolically related to those things. you start a cleaning out process. you begin to empty the vessel. ... when you empty out the vessel you also are emptying out all the other crap floating around in there, the additives. the impurities. sure it feels good. its a whole-body, whole-mind enema." -the stand ​


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## Alexander (Feb 2, 2012)

I agree with that quote, I don't need many things in this life...and having a ton of things just drags u down with it. I feel like the more stuff you have in your life the more stress is involved. I just want to keep my life stress free and have the ability to do what I please whenever I please. There is always a way to get there, I have already lost most of my things from last year, and it doesn't bother me at all. I am already on my way to freedom.


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