# Ignored by the girl I loved



## Schnitzel (Oct 21, 2021)

This is actually a personal story but I think Stp is the best place to tell it because, as far as I experienced, most people are nice here

It might be a bit long, so here's the short version first:
- met a girl while traveling
- got along quite well
- decided to meet again
- spend an amazing day together
(it seemed to get serious)
- didn't manage to see eachother again
- she replied less to my messages until she ignored them completely and blocked me too

For those who are still here and excited,
here we go with the long version!

Some while ago I was traveling through Europe, actually my first real travel experience. I managed to hitchhike to the slovenian capital Ljubljana and checked out the entire town. Because at some point the weather turned to total shit and I was getting really pissed I decided to leave the city and take a train to Vienna 'cause I now some who live there.

Anyway, after being totally soaked wet I decided to settle down at a tree with alot of weird stones around it directly at a busy intersection, turned out to be some sort of monument. All in all it was a pretty odd place to spend about 4h to wait for a train.

Hours later I was, of course, still there and while I was packing my stuff and getting ready to leave a girl suddenly approached me. Most of the people passing by looked at me weird but she just came onto me and was really curious. A beautiful french girl who was also traveling with a huge backpack on (the backpack was nearly as tall as her, looked quite funny lol)

We got along quite well and I even managed to show her a part of the city which she hasn't seen before I went to Vienna. Both of us knew, we had to see eachother again. Exchanged numbers and off I went!

About one week later I returned to Slovenia and she was actually near the place where I started the whole trip, so I knew the area quite well. After sleeping inside a shed and getting cleaned up by fresh mountain water I headed towards the town we decided to meet.

She was in company with another slovenian girl where she stayed and we went on hike to some ruins, why not tho? She was really happy to see me again, got along even better, smiled at eachother the whole time, talked a lot, laughed a lot... You probably can imagine it.

After swimming in the river, eating out and playing cards we ended up looking at the stars together while our heads were liked bumped into eachother.
I actually never managed to get so close so it was a big deal for me.
(Sounds like a boring love story in movie xD)

Unfortunately the day had to end and after being dropped of next to a country road I managed to set up my Hammock in a really uncomfortable position but I didn't care because I was just in love.

This is the part where things went downwards

The next day I woke up and hitchhiked back to a more familiar place where was also a punk rock festival going on and it was possible to listen to the music for free.
She told me she was busy (Which was actually true and not some sort of stupid excuse) and so I just enjoyed the free music.

I totally wanted to see her again but after texting alot and waiting days at the same fucking place I came up with the idea to continue my journey and see her again in the future. The weather was also going to be really shitty so sleeping outside would've been a pain in the ass.

I was getting ready for the next day where I intended to leave and headed towards the supermarket to get some groceries and out of the sudden she told me I can come around to the place she stayed. It was just a few km away and easy to hitchhike to but it got already quite late and I couldn't guarantee to get back to the place I stayed that day.

It was a really painful decision to leave Slovenia and not going to see her again for some time.
After getting quite emotional that evening I got ready for the next day on which I planned to hitchhike to Bratislava, Slovakia.

I still texted her regularly and even told her that I would visit her the next month in France but she responded less, ignored some messages completely and didn't give proper answers until I was ignored completely and I was too stupid to get it. I even managed to get blocked because I kept texting her every now and then (I didn't spam just a message every few days)

During that time I was completely heartbroken and didn't feel that great.

I was back home and told a friend about the story and he had, while both of us were in a good mood, the idea to call her as a joke. Of course she didn't answered and he messaged her once as a part of the joke.

Nothing happend for some time until he got a respond and she accused him for harassment and threatend with the police. I was of course speechless after he told me about it and I got the same message in the evening.

This was the moment it was over, I couldn't take her serious anymore.

This could be over but this shit is still stuck in my head since many many weeks afterwards and I couldn't explain myself why it went that way.
I know, I continued my trip and sort of left her but I told her that I'm going to visit her the next month.

Should I try to text her again or how do I get done with this bullshit story?
I know, it all sounds a bit weird but that's how things went, thanks for getting that far


----------



## Wabbajack (Oct 22, 2021)

Honestly I'd recommend ignoring her and not thinking about it. She doesn't seem to want to talk to you. Maybe just chalk it up to a failed relationship and find closure in that. I know that doesn't help, though.


----------



## Schnitzel (Oct 22, 2021)

Wabbajack said:


> Honestly I'd recommend ignoring her and not thinking about it. She doesn't seem to want to talk to you. Maybe just chalk it up to a failed relationship and find closure in that. I know that doesn't help, though.


Thanks anyway, what you mentioned is exactly what I'm currently trying to do. Life goes on and in the end this is just a short shitty story.


----------



## Inhibition (Oct 22, 2021)

Sounds like you were infatuated with her, and while she may have had some interest at one point she ultimately didn't reciprocate. I personally think it is a really shitty thing to do to ghost people and prefer honesty if someone does not want further contact. When you ghost someone they don't get closure and have doubts about what is going on which can lead to situations where they can be tempted to keep contacting due to the uncertainty.

Calling the police to have them tell you she doesn't want anymore contact, over her telling you personally is a sign that she is not a good person in my view. I'd say try to focus on that aspect as best as you can. If you had feelings for her it won't eliminate all of your feelings, but ultimately we are best served by having good people in our lives. Plus, as an anarchist, people who choose to involve the police in frivolous matters, given how abusive and oppressive the police are as an institution, it also shows someone who is likely not someone you would want to interact with in your life long term.

I haven't been in your exact situation, but I've had to deal with horrible ambiguities and police involvement myself. I once had a young woman's mother tell me to never contact her daughter again. It made the situation very confusing and extra painful, because the daughter was an adult and if that was what she personally wanted I was very willing to respect her wishes, but given I hadn't heard it from her directly, I had no way of knowing what she actually wanted. I ultimately persisted and requested input from the daughter herself, and the mother called the police and had them speak on her daughter's behalf, saying the daughter wanted nothing to do with me. To this day I have never heard back from the daughter.

I also wasn't even pursuing a romantic relationship with her and had clarified so to her, that while she had seemed interested I felt with her age and our age gap we shouldn't pursue that and that she should mature more. I had offered repeatedly to her to talk, give space, or leave her be if there was a problem.

It's a lesson learned, and I try to move forward with the idea that if someone is not going to be open with me about what amount of contact they want with me then that person isn't worth my time. If you've grown to care about someone, even as a friend, it's tough to do, to write off a relationship because of silence. But apparently people don't have the decency to be open and honest and if you try to get someone to clarify their position, there is a decent chance the police will be involved.


----------



## Schnitzel (Oct 22, 2021)

Inhibition said:


> Sounds like you were infatuated with her, and while she may have had some interest at one point she ultimately didn't reciprocate. I personally think it is a really shitty thing to do to ghost people and prefer honesty if someone does not want further contact. When you ghost someone they don't get closure and have doubts about what is going on which can lead to situations where they can be tempted to keep contacting due to the uncertainty.
> 
> Calling the police to have them tell you she doesn't want anymore contact, over her telling you personally is a sign that she is not a good person in my view. I'd say try to focus on that aspect as best as you can. If you had feelings for her it won't eliminate all of your feelings, but ultimately we are best served by having good people in our lives. Plus, as an anarchist, people who choose to involve the police in frivolous matters, given how abusive and oppressive the police are as an institution, it also shows someone who is likely not someone you would want to interact with in your life long term.
> 
> ...


Never expected such a long and substantial reply but thank you very much!
Your experience even ended up more bizarre and not just a thread. I don't really understand why some adults do this at some ridiculous situation. It's like a kid telling the teacher you stole his pencil, totally childish and immature. 
It's actually a good point mentioning that this behaviour shows that she isn't really a good person and a relationship could've ended up being poisonous.
I definitely learned my lesson and also got a story to laugh about with friends, so in the end it's not that bad? 
For me the whole situation was also a bit difficult because something similar happened to me before and I never met a girl who wanted a relationship with me.
Anyway, I'm trying my best for the future and your text definitely helped me to deal with all this shit, thanks!


----------



## Eng JR Lupo RV323 (Oct 23, 2021)

Might be an unpopular opinion here but I don't really agree with the whole "she probably isn't a good person because she threatened to get the police involved" opinion. That's basically victim blaming. We have to remember that she didn't just jump to "leave me the fuck alone or I'll call the cops". She tried to calmly exit the situation by responding less to you. That isn't the best way to handle these situations, it's always better if a person is straight forward with you and just tells you what they're feeling but who knows what sort of problems she's had before in her life. Maybe she has trauma and needs to just gtfo in whatever way feels safest to her. 

Bottom line is- She distanced herself from you and you didn't give her the space she needed so she had to block you. When a person blocks you, you need to recognize what that person is trying to do. They want absolutely no contact from you. I don't care if you find it to be some kind of fun game, you absolutely cannot have your friend call her on your behalf. Paint it as a joke all you want but that shit is very cringey. Reminds me of something a 14 year old would do. She blocked you and that should have been the end of it. You and your friend are the ones who put her in a position where she felt she was being harassed and truth be told, that is harassment. 

So at this point she says hey leave me alone or I will have to escalate this by letting authorities know. That's a direct result of your actions. You can't stand outside someone's window stalking them and then get mad when they call the cops and say "look at this cop calling bitch, she's clearly not a good person!". I just think you need to let this entire thing go and learn something from it. Also it definitely strikes me as just kinda weird to begin with. You barely knew this person yet you're talking about being in love and all of this. I would have definitely distanced myself from and blocked a person expressing those types of emotions that early on too. That isn't normal.


----------



## Schnitzel (Oct 23, 2021)

Eng JR Lupo RV323 said:


> Might be an unpopular opinion here but I don't really agree with the whole "she probably isn't a good person because she threatened to get the police involved" opinion. That's basically victim blaming. We have to remember that she didn't just jump to "leave me the fuck alone or I'll call the cops". She tried to calmly exit the situation by responding less to you. That isn't the best way to handle these situations, it's always better if a person is straight forward with you and just tells you what they're feeling but who knows what sort of problems she's had before in her life. Maybe she has trauma and needs to just gtfo in whatever way feels safest to her.
> 
> Bottom line is- She distanced herself from you and you didn't give her the space she needed so she had to block you. When a person blocks you, you need to recognize what that person is trying to do. They want absolutely no contact from you. I don't care if you find it to be some kind of fun game, you absolutely cannot have your friend call her on your behalf. Paint it as a joke all you want but that shit is very cringey. Reminds me of something a 14 year old would do. She blocked you and that should have been the end of it. You and your friend are the ones who put her in a position where she felt she was being harassed and truth be told, that is harassment.
> 
> So at this point she says hey leave me alone or I will have to escalate this by letting authorities know. That's a direct result of your actions. You can't stand outside someone's window stalking them and then get mad when they call the cops and say "look at this cop calling bitch, she's clearly not a good person!". I just think you need to let this entire thing go and learn something from it. Also it definitely strikes me as just kinda weird to begin with. You barely knew this person yet you're talking about being in love and all of this. I would have definitely distanced myself from and blocked a person expressing those types of emotions that early on too. That isn't normal.


It's good to hear something totally different and you're probably right. It's just if a person vanishes in total emptiness you don't really know why it happened and how to handle the situation at first. Maybe I exaggerated or was just too stupid at the point to get it. You've to keep in mind if you got some feelings towards a different person you aren't thinking rational and do things you might regret later on. 
Even though your reply sounded rude at first, you got the point and it helps me to handle the situation. I definitely learned my lesson and I will rethink my actions, thanks!


----------



## Eng JR Lupo RV323 (Oct 23, 2021)

Yeah I totally didn't mean any of it in a rude way. Sometimes it's just hard to make a point or say the things that aren't necessarily easy to say, or things someone might not want to hear, without it possibly being taken as rude. Think of it more like tough love.


----------



## Inhibition (Oct 23, 2021)

That's a good point, the friend calling thing was definitely not a good move and was over the line. I can see how that could be a point where someone felt the need to escalate.

I still don't think ghosting is generally a sign of good intentions. It is widely understood that it plays havoc on people's psychology and serves as a form of ostracism, emotional abuse, and the silent treatment.

The ambiguity is the problem. If someone tells you, 'I dislike you, and want nothing to do with you' you may not like that answer, but you know where you stand and can heal, adjust and move on. If someone is great with you, then they suddenly start giving you the silent treatment and you don't know why, then you feel like you can't know why or where they stand unless they tell you. Did I do something? Did someone else do something? What is going on?

Or in my case if someone tells you that someone else never wants to speak to you ever again, how are you suppose to just take someone else's word when you have nothing to go on from the actual person themselves?

If you want to learn more about it you can read about narcissistic shunning vs people going no contact because of actual abuse. Narcissists use the silent treatment to manipulate and hurt others. The intent is to put yourself above the other person. If they genuinely see you as an equal and you have never done anything to threaten them, or abuse them then they should be able to have enough empathy to give you the bare minimum.

One of the signs of narcissistic shunning is they will try to involve other people and try to hurt your relationships with others. When people genuinely go no contact for safety reasons, it is exactly that, it's for their personal safety, not trying to involve other people to make things unnecessarily hurtful. In my case, the mother also involved irrelevant employees to shun not only myself, but my mother as well. It was an organized effort to try to damage not only myself but my family. Calling the police was simply a way to make things more hurtful. 

But we can't change the behaviors of others. So the best we can do is realize that our brains are wired socially to want to look for certain social cues. And when we get extremely ambiguous social cues, our brains are wired to want an answer. It makes us vulnerable to actions that aren't advisable, like your friend making that call. 

So if we find ourselves in that situation, it can be good to dial back and acknowledge that the way someone is treating you is making you feel crazy, and this is normal to feel that way, but if someone really cares about you they wouldn't do that to you. You don't need people in your life that treat you like shit, so you don't need to know the answer. Letting it go is difficult, because our brains are not wired to want to let go of ambiguity. We want to know where we stand so we can make informed decisions and move on. And that's part of why the silent treatment is so effective as a tool of manipulation and abuse. But if you consciously understand that, it gives you a chance to escape the cycle and you can try not to reflexively respond to the silent treatment like that. 

When my situation happened, I was picturing all kinds of scenarios of how this poor young woman was a victim. A victim of her mother, a victim of some kind abuse, there had to be some valid reason why someone would be so pointlessly hurtful? Your imagination can run wild to justify bad behavior, but being a victim doesn't justify victimizing someone else. I was treated like shit and I deserved better than that.

Shnitzel, In your situation, you sounded really infatuated. That's part of life. On the contrary it is actually normal. It's extremely well understood psychology that people become infatuated with other people. It's not shameful, its not bad, it's not dangerous, and doesn't have to be scary. But if one person is infatuated and the other is not interested, it's best if the party that isn't interested lets the infatuated person know. If the interested party keeps pushing past that point, then yeah it is dangerous. 

If you can recognize you are infatuated and that person is giving you the silent treatment. It's probably best to write them off, rather than concoct elaborate fantasies of why the person is a victim who is simply incapable of letting you know. That keeps you in the state of ambiguity. If you can write them off, you're not in that vulnerable place anymore.


----------



## BoardedUp (Dec 1, 2021)

Don't waste your time on people that do not deserve your attention. Also, I recommend you reading a book called The Rational Male. Thank me later


----------



## marmar (Dec 14, 2021)

I think any story like such can be a lesson to learn something about yourself. What did you learn? What would you do different next time? Communication seemed to be not clear in the beginning of this story.may be asking her more directly when you were face to face with that girl about what she wanted and stating your own feelings would make things different , but now you can only use your knowledge for the future encounters .that's life


----------



## bip (Dec 17, 2021)

Schnitzel said:


> This is actually a personal story but I think Stp is the best place to tell it because, as far as I experienced, most people are nice here
> 
> It might be a bit long, so here's the short version first:
> - met a girl while traveling
> ...


disconnect your heart and think about women who look the complete opposite of her


----------



## Schnitzel (Dec 17, 2021)

Thanks for the few new responses! 
Life is changing rapidly right now and nowadays I mostly laugh about this really absurd story. I definitely learned my lesson


----------



## Wabbajack (Jan 2, 2022)

Schnitzel said:


> Thanks for the few new responses!
> Life is changing rapidly right now and nowadays I mostly laugh about this really absurd story. I definitely learned my lesson


It's nice to hear that!


----------



## Meowmeowyaya (Jan 6, 2022)

Inhibition said:


> Sounds like you were infatuated with her, and while she may have had some interest at one point she ultimately didn't reciprocate. I personally think it is a really shitty thing to do to ghost people and prefer honesty if someone does not want further contact. When you ghost someone they don't get closure and have doubts about what is going on which can lead to situations where they can be tempted to keep contacting due to the uncertainty.
> 
> Calling the police to have them tell you she doesn't want anymore contact, over her telling you personally is a sign that she is not a good person in my view. I'd say try to focus on that aspect as best as you can. If you had feelings for her it won't eliminate all of your feelings, but ultimately we are best served by having good people in our lives. Plus, as an anarchist, people who choose to involve the police in frivolous matters, given how abusive and oppressive the police are as an institution, it also shows someone who is likely not someone you would want to interact with in your life long term.
> 
> ...


Maybe it’s not all about you and people have a hard time reaching out or have no working phone or connection. Sometimes it’s not even about you did you think about that? Sometimes you should not judge them their might be more going on then you actually know. Try to realize not everyone is out to get you some just have to keep moving to survive and not die and trying to protect you by doing that. That part


----------



## Meowmeowyaya (Jan 6, 2022)

Schnitzel said:


> It's good to hear something totally different and you're probably right. It's just if a person vanishes in total emptiness you don't really know why it happened and how to handle the situation at first. Maybe I exaggerated or was just too stupid at the point to get it. You've to keep in mind if you got some feelings towards a different person you aren't thinking rational and do things you might regret later on.
> Even though your reply sounded rude at first, you got the point and it helps me to handle the situation. I definitely learned my lesson and I will rethink my actions, thanks!


I just know I am traumatized and fuck you means I love you and I’m a terrible communicator and I push away people I love since I do not want them to get hurt. Since they have no idea the horrors of my life nor would they believe the truth about what it what or the condition my condition is in so seriously do not blame yourself. Thank you for looking at the flip side you never know life has a cool way of working it all out.


----------



## Big George W (Feb 21, 2022)

I went through something like this back in 2010/2011 with a person who was/is [??] on this forum, and while I have long since moved on and have let that whole thing go [which was not easy...] over time, a dog which I adopted from her - my dog - just turned 14 years old.

I wanted so bad to send her a PM, just to let her know that Loki was now 14, and doing well... but then I thought about it and said to myself if she was interested, she could have always asked me, so I decided it was a very bad idea to do the PM, and best keep things cool.

This is very much not like me, as I can't stand hate and people not getting along.

As time has marched on by, I have become far more tolerant and forgiving, and understanding... but that being said I realize that not everybody is like me.

I got much benefit from reading the original post here, because I saw much of what I did wrong in my situation too.

As she once told me in her Jeep, I gave you enough rope to hang yourself, and you did.

Believe me, that changed my life forever, until Kristilee came along which is another story for another day.


----------

