# i am looking for myself. nowhere to be seen



## Strang3RXRMous3 (Feb 17, 2012)

my name doesnt matter for a name is not given its earned. maybe one day i shall do so again. only then does it hold any truth....

i finally decided to go home after spending from march of last year on the streets of downtown tucson last year and finally made it to get to hop freight. got engaged left him came back... biggest mistake... i got into hardcore drinking and to be honest pill popping. started earning my wage with busking and then met up with someone that wanted to put my lyrics to music... i left.

found out about occupy tucson and i went to check it out. one chick saved me from getting any sicker than i was and the occupy movement took me in. from marching to protesting i started doing ok. then i relapsed. my best friend passed away along with a very special friend of mine. i started losing people left and right and i lost my grip that i thought was firm on sanity. i started drinking even more so.... and usually was found stumbling back and yet occupy tucson helped me through that too again. i got sicker started losing weight faster than usual. i still cant figure it out. then i met a man named tobin.

we ended up without thinking left for occupy phoenix. i loved the spirit that i saw... it gave me hope maybe i could find a way to heal. i was dying spiritually and physically. i lost so much grip on everything and i thought this was to be my stronghold that would keep me from falling further. so i came back to occupy phoenix. tobin and i both did. we stayed together for only 3-4 weeks then he went home. i relapsed again this time with pills. and drinking. i couldnt think at all.

i finally got ticketed for the first time for violation of urban camping and was sick with something worse than strep. i was beyond pissed. i was already infamous for harrassing them and calling them out the whole nine yards. none of them like me. so they got me for something. that should not be legit. oh well. i didnt care accidently lost my ticket and got a motorcycle ride back to a friends place went to sleep.

finally got better went home then came back to occupy phoenix. they were worse than when i had left. one canopy left. it sucked but i though it wont get worse. and it did.

finally a man name marty atencio had passed away in a jail cell in maricopa county we stood outside of st. joes and i ended up having a seizure got checked in found out i was 5 1/2 weeks and overloaded with drugs in my system. and quite a bit of intoxication. they told me i should stop. they didnt need to.

so i called the babys daddy (tobin) and he wont come back. thats alright with me. the guy i was with at the time had left me because i was prego. ended up having a relationship with someone name loco lizard and he left for a unity walk and i dumped him. for telling me to go "F" myself for almost getting into a knife fight to protect my friend. i knew i could get the job done and i did. almost got arrested and a sergeant with phoenix police department saved my a** from going to jail that night.

and so i went on and then mickey came into the picture and there was some jokes of the mickeymouse show and blah blah blah. petty. didnt care though. and that didnt work out. so i quit working with the occupy movement to just find myself. because all in truth i dont know.


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## dajdiioue (Feb 17, 2012)

What do you think you want to do?


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## laughingisharder (Feb 17, 2012)

I enjoyed reading your story, mine follows the same lines, to a degree. My drinking and drug problems are a thing of the past. I do however enjoy a solitary drink now and again. 

As of late my faith in the traveller spirit and that of humanity has fallen short of it's expectations. My friends seem to either be too contained in their own world or in their own problems to help me maybe before knell myself or maybe just to get money which saddens me....alot. Currently I am trapped in Huntington beach watching a huge dog for my friend while he is in jail....I dunno how long this is going to be so I'm also lookin for a person that could help me watch the pup


Everyone has been complaining about the shortness of my posts and to be frank it's been my brain failing in this ""old age"" I'm only 20 but I feel like a forty year old man on his deathbed. 

I hope you find yourself, if I was in any position to help and had the resources I would in a second, I'm on the same soul searching mission. 
Feels like the devil ran off with my soul and I'm chasing him down to get it back all in my head. 

Anyways I'll be in huntington till my angel comes to save me.


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## wizehop (Feb 17, 2012)

Good story..these are the events that makes us..just dont rush to much to find yourself, your only 19...lots to come!


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## Strang3RXRMous3 (Feb 18, 2012)

dajdiioue said:


> What do you think you want to do?


i dont know... i still have so much to do before i find myself... and thats why im looking and so much more to find those answers.


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## Teko (Feb 18, 2012)

it kinda sounds like you are looking for someone/thing to fill the position of saving you. and while that is not necessarily a bad thing, it can leave you lusting after one thing to the next, because you never actually find. now of course i dont know what you are looking for, or what it is exactly that can save you. but maybe you just need to focus on yourself. meditate, pray, concentrate, what have you, on yourself. analyse yourself, look past your biased opinion of what you are and see the cause of what you are. why you felt the need to use the booze, the pills. dare i say it seemed like you needed 'someone' to accompany yourself? again not placing any kind of blame what so ever, just saying maybe you should work you out instead of looking for something/someone else to do it for you. 
hope you figure things out.


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## Strang3RXRMous3 (Feb 20, 2012)

abstracted said:


> it kinda sounds like you are looking for someone/thing to fill the position of saving you. and while that is not necessarily a bad thing, it can leave you lusting after one thing to the next, because you never actually find. now of course i dont know what you are looking for, or what it is exactly that can save you. but maybe you just need to focus on yourself. meditate, pray, concentrate, what have you, on yourself. analyse yourself, look past your biased opinion of what you are and see the cause of what you are. why you felt the need to use the booze, the pills. dare i say it seemed like you needed 'someone' to accompany yourself? again not placing any kind of blame what so ever, just saying maybe you should work you out instead of looking for something/someone else to do it for you.
> hope you figure things out.


thanks and thats what im gonna take the time to do.... i am really really lost i must admit... before i was born my momma miscarried my twin and ive been more of the type of person to be alone within a crowd of thousands even in the company of two. so im never really with someone even when i am. i have to find me to find contentment and happiness to make up for the loss of my other half.... because if i dont im just gonna be alone for the rest of my life...


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## Teko (Feb 20, 2012)

its not hard, but it will be fufilling when you do find yourself. cheers to you and the best of luck


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## dumpsteredfeta (Feb 26, 2012)

I would add that you should love yourself. Good that occupy helped you externalize your anger for what is fucked up in the world, and not internalize the anger and not destroy yourself.


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## Deleted member 2626 (Feb 26, 2012)

mannn having kids so young messes life up im sure, i couldnt deal with that too well


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## Strang3RXRMous3 (Mar 8, 2012)

Tatanka said:


> mannn having kids so young messes life up im sure, i couldnt deal with that too well


 i am looking foward to being a mother.... but i do miss what i can not do after.... (hopping freight) i am moving to florida and i will start my own restaraunt business down there on a boat and hopefully animal rescues... me and my new mate are going to start a life out there... i am so close to finding me....


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## Strang3RXRMous3 (Mar 8, 2012)

oh and i shall miss protesting!!!


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## finn (Mar 8, 2012)

I think you're gonna be a swell mom.


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## Strang3RXRMous3 (Mar 22, 2012)

thanks finn


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## Riku (Apr 5, 2012)

Keep ya head up keep moving!


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