# The loss of my son and the start of wanderlust



## squatterchad (Apr 30, 2015)

OK,this is a hard topic to write a story about for me.But this is where everything in the world of travel started for me.(please dont say im sorry for your loss or any of that shit)and please excuse my shitty spelling

I was with this girl for five years ,Her and i were in the deepest form of love i have ever encountered in my life.we lived together a bunch of times and apart aswell.After the fourth year we decided to have a son,And draven was to be his name.She woke me up one morning at 420 am with a bowl packed and looked me in my eyes and said "baby we need to talk here smoke this,As she handed me this bowl she starts to talk about our plan to have a child and how drasticly it would change our lives.I agree and take a hit of the decently backed bowl.She says here and hands me this pregency test my the the parts she peed on..(asshole lol).I take a hit of the bowl again and relize that its time for me to move out of my childish ways and usher in a more adult me..After i find out were going to be parents that morning instead of going back to sleep i get online and start job hunting.(although i didnt have kids before them ik it was expensive as fuck ).so after a few week i found work at walmart on third shift and mcdonalds full time in the am plus sonics drive-in part time,not to mention i was selling pot at all three jobs ..(fuck i wanted every penny the world had to offer my future offspring)
After a few months of working two full time jobs a part time job and selling weed i had just short of ten grand saved in the bank(most money ive ever had to date).Now by this time she was four to five month along and was off work at home just incubating. We talked to her parents about moving in with them for a few months after my sons birth so they could help us and i could still work.They agree that its a smart idea and we move in.In a few short day after moving in to her parent house we recive a phone call from our DR. saying that we need to go to womens and babies hospital cuz something on the ultrasound came back ..."just not right" as they put it..so we go to womens and babies and they tell us that we need to go to hershey medical center to have an emergency c section .now from hear on out you can peace the rest of the story together..but for those of you who cant.they did the operation and took him to the nicu.After about 5 minutes which seemed like days the DR comes in and tells us that were not out of the woods yet and that our son had some..."defects" but never really explained.as the DR left our room i followed him into the hall to ask him adult to adult man to man.....Dad to dad what he seen really happening.(Cuz you know drs like to sugar coat shit)..He looked me right in my eyes and said..Chad...ill be shocked if he survives the next few hour (which brought me to this quote ..
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth."Henry David Thoreau
I ask the dr befor he walks away if i can see my son and he said he will see what he can do..after about ten to fifteen minutes i walk up to the nicu to make them let me see my son and they try to refuse..after a bit they open the doors and let me into see him..AND it was that second when i laid eyes upon my own flesh and blood and seen him lying their on that rocking table (it rocks to open the air ways so a child born to small can breath..in short) that i relized my life will never be the same again..you cant understand the feeling of hearing that you need to call off the effort to keep you son alive and that they will bring him down to you and the mother so he can pass in your arms.....As we sat their holding him crying..This feeling set in and overcame me that this world..this planet fuck even this universe is to fucking small.And ever since ive been studying and reserching this great thing we call travel in hope to arm myself with enough to over come a constant and uncontroled and ever changeing excursion to who the fuck knows where...
Now i creep up on the third year and now his mother and i dont speak at all and im comfortable with my knowladge that im ready to stop fighting it and go...


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## Tude (Apr 30, 2015)

{{HUGS}} I'm sorry. I'm glad you were able to hold him. Not letting you see him would have been a tragedy. {{HUGS}}


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## squatterchad (Apr 30, 2015)

i would have fucked that hospital up should they not have let me see him lol


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## Mikael Runefoot (Apr 30, 2015)

That is some hard stuff to deal with. You ever need anything I am here for ya brother.


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## squatterchad (Apr 30, 2015)

Mikael Runefoot said:


> That is some hard stuff to deal with. You ever need anything I am here for ya brother.


Thanks man i appericate that alot.Im almost to the four year mark tho so im kinda numb to it.But i am learning that you dirtty fucks can become family real fast lol.its not the reg world .these people give a fuck


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## Antelope Bob (May 4, 2015)

My story is almost the same, lost my wife and 2 kids in a crash, when I was 21. the day after my 22nd I walked out of my job and started walking down the highway, never went back. 

When the silence gets so deafening, I feel them close to me, can almost hear them. maybe i'm just crazy ............


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## Jaguwar (May 4, 2015)

OOF! That's rough man. It's not an uncommon reaction, I think. Losing loved ones seems to trigger some serious reevaluation.


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## Mikael Runefoot (May 4, 2015)

I agree. After loosing my best friend/cousin and in the process if loosing my mother I feel the need to leave.


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## squatterchad (May 5, 2015)

Yea i just got picked up on a bench warrant so i gotta wait till probation is over in a year


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## Parker Free (Aug 11, 2015)

I lost my best friend. Not really the same thing I guess, but hard enough. Makes you want to leave everything you've known and go...somewhere else. Doesn't really matter where. Yeah, my pain went numb after a time, but it's still there waiting, and especially likes to come back in my dreams.
Gotta love them while you have them. No other option.


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## Happiertrails (Oct 16, 2015)

I just came across this and want to say that I hope that you will always remember that you ARE a father always. Even though he is gone it doesn't change that fact. I hope you find healing and peace.


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## roughdraft (Oct 16, 2015)

Good on you for sharing brother...if you need anything....pm me...try not to resist doing what you feel is best for you..


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## squatterchad (Jan 16, 2021)

Antelope Bob said:


> My story is almost the same, lost my wife and 2 kids in a crash, when I was 21. the day after my 22nd I walked out of my job and started walking down the highway, never went back.
> 
> When the silence gets so deafening, I feel them close to me, can almost hear them. maybe i'm just crazy ............


Hay brother just checking on you. It's been a long time since I wrote this but I just came across and and wanted to check on each person


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## squatterchad (Jan 16, 2021)

Mikael Runefoot said:


> That is some hard stuff to deal with. You ever need anything I am here for ya brother.


Just wanted to check on those who commented on this after all this time..
How are you brother


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## squatterchad (Jan 16, 2021)

Happiertrails said:


> I just came across this and want to say that I hope that you will always remember that you ARE a father always. Even though he is gone it doesn't change that fact. I hope you find healing and peace.


When you wrote this I read it and didnt understand the depth this touched...its funny how looking back at this comment I'm just now starting to act like it...loving you family hope all is well


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## squatterchad (Jan 16, 2021)

roughdraft said:


> Good on you for sharing brother...if you need anything....pm me...try not to resist doing what you feel is best for you..


Just checking on those who have commented on this. 
How are youd doing brother?


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## Raebyday (Apr 21, 2021)

squatterchad said:


> Now i creep up on the third year and now his mother and i dont speak at all and im comfortable with my knowladge that im ready to stop fighting it and go...


that's such a powerful sentence to end you are a great writer thanks for sharing your story


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## Onions (Jun 9, 2021)

Wishing you the very best out there Chad. Thank you for giving us this story about life .


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