# So does anyone have any jokes??



## drunken marauder

How do you know a crusty stayed at your house?


they're still there !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Bendixontherails

How many crusties does it take to screw in a lightbulb?







*They don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in dirty sleeping bags!


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## DIAMONDRAILS

What's the difference between erotic and kinky? 
Erotic = using a feather 
Kinky = using the whole chicken 



Why are men like cars? 
Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming. 



How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant? 
He forgot to wrap his whopper.


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## DIAMONDRAILS

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off? 

Why does a squirrle swim on its back? 
To keep its nuts dry 

What is the difference between a sin and shame? 
It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out. 

Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed? 
A. Because their plugged into a genius! 

I could keep going..But that's enough for now.


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## drunken marauder

hahhhahaa way to funny!!!!!!!!!


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## Arapala

Q: How do you get a one armed punk out of a tree?

A: Throw him a beer!


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## spud

whats 13 inches long and white... pause for suspence ...nothing

and all the rest are offensive to people that arnt me so im not putting them up


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## ianfernite

A friend of mine was complaining because she couldn't get any "action" from her anarchist boyfriend. All he would do is sit on the side of the bed and tell her how powerful it would be when they came together.


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## dirty_rotten_squatter

ianfernite said:


> A friend of mine was complaining because she couldn't get any "action" from her anarchist boyfriend. All he would do is sit on the side of the bed and tell her how powerful it would be when they came together.



Fucking hilarious haha.

one night a husband starts rubbing on his wife. The wife says “I’m sorry, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” The husband, being rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over says, “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”


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## Beegod Santana

What's sex with hippies like?
Fucking intents.

How many activists does it take to change a light bulb?
Activists don't change anything.

How many tour kids does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 300,000 to follow the new one till it burns out.

and finally an offensive one....

How do you get a crusty girl pregnant?
Cum on her ankles and let the flies do the rest.


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## veggieguy12

Q: What's the best thing about fucking 28 year-olds?
A: There's 20 of 'em! (uh, 8-year olds, right?, you got that?)

Seriously, though, I heard that 50% of Japanese have cataracts.
But the other 50% have Rincons and Chevrorets. (it's all in how you say it.)


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## Arapala

Q: how do you get a nun pregnant?

A: FUCK HER!


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## Bendixontherails

1.2.3.4.5.6.


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## Uncle Stinky

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. 
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. 
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 

'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway stark naked. 
Man, she is one fine looking woman!' 

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. 
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would 
fight at the drop of a hat. 
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 

'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!' 

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. 
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says: 

'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!' 

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the 
eyes and says;

'Go home, Grandpa, you're drunk!


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## veggieguy12

True story!


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## xmaggotx

im late... but... 

how many boneheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb? ... 10, 1 to screw it in 9 to watch his back

how many crusties?... crusties dont screw in lightbulbs they screw in dumpsters.

whats the difference between a baby and an apple? ... i don;t usually cum in my apples before i eat em.

how many babies does it take to paint a barn?... depends how hard you throw em

whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a porsche?... i dont have a porsche in MY garage

whats worse than 10 dead babies stapled to a tree?...one dead baby stapled to ten trees.

2 punks and a bonehead are in a car. whos driving? ... the police

how did helen kellers parents punish her?... rearrange the furniture

why did helen keller's dog commit suicied?... id kill myself too if my name was "uuuuungggggghhhhhhhhhhh!" (gotta say it real good)

THE FOLLOWING JOKES ARE NOT OKAY BY ANY MEANS, BUT I'M SAYING EM. ... dont read if your easily offended.

why cant helen keller drive?.... because she's a woman

this next one's real bad

what do you call the useless skin on the outside of a vagina?..... the woman


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## Gypsybones

Q:what does the woman do when she gets home from the battered wife shelter?
A:_the dishes if sh knows whats good for her._

Q:ever heard of the Tempura House?
A:_ its a shelter for lightly battered women _


Q: how many punk kids does it take to change a light bulb?
A: _3. one to screw it in, the second to kick the ladder out from under him, and the third one to sit in the corner drunk and say how punk rock that was
_
Q: why wasn't Jesus hung on a red cross?
A: _the red cross is a nonprofit organization_

so a priest and a rabbi are walking down the street talking shop, they come across a little boy playing on the side walk. the priest looks at the rabbi and says "lest go fuck that little boy!"
the rabbi looks back at the priest and says "out of what?"


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## Gypsybones

Q: whats the best thing about getting a hand job from a five year old?
A: _your dick looks really big_

Q: whats the best thing about fucking a 9yr old girl in the shower?
A: _you can slick her hair back and make her look like a five year old boy_

Q: whats did the pedophile say when he got out of prison? 
A:_ I feel like a kid again _

Q: why are wedding dresses white?
A: its nice to have the stove and refrigerator match the dishwasher


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## sprout

What's the difference between a crusty chick and a washing machine?




You can dump a load in the washing machine and it won't follow you across the country.


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## mdwarinport

hows a blonde different from a fridge?

fridge doesn't fart when yuo pull the meat out of it


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## Franny

A guy goes to the bar and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no: I never found her head.


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## sprout

Franny, that is one of my dad's favorite jokes. I made him say it to everyone I was traveling with over the speakerphone when we were in Chicago.


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## Gudj

Why shouldn't you shower when there is a pokemon around?







Because He'll PIKACHU!!!!!!!!!


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## JahDucky

gudj.....you made me giggle!


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## xmaggotx

sprout, ...that one's going into my arsenal. ...oh yeah.


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## uppercunt

What did the zero say to the eight?


nice belt


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## JahDucky

Haha uppercunt. youve got me going now too


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## tumtum

where do you find a dog with no legs?




where ya fuckin left him!


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## tumtum

why did the pirate cross the road?




to get to the second hand shop!


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## Gypsybones

why don't you ever see a dead crow in the middle of the road?

cause there's always one off to the side yelling " carr carr"


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## Gypsybones

*How to make a woman happy: *
​*It’s not difficult to make a woman happy.*

A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician 
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber 
11. a mechanic 
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42.dependable
43.passionate
44.compassionate
*WITH OUT FORGETTING TO:*
45.give her complements regularly 
46.love shopping
47.be honest
48.be very rich
49.not stress her out
50.not look at other girls
*AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:*
51.give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52.give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53.give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
*IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:*
54. Never to forget:
*birthdays
*anniversaries
*arrangements she makes





*How To Make a Man Happy:*

1.be naked
2.bring food


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## Komjaunimas

Seven wonders of Communism:
1. Everybody was employed 
2. Although everybody was employed, nobody was working
3. Although nobody was working, manufacturing efficiency was at 100%
4. Although manufacturing efficiency was at 100%, nothing was made
5. Although nothing was made, everybody got everything
6. Although everybody got everything, everyone was stealing everything
7. Although everyone was stealing everything, everyone had enough of everything.


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## uppercunt

What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?

A Bah-na-na-na


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## finn

I suppose I should let out some offensive jokes of my own:

What's sticky and white and comes from the sky?
The second coming of Jesus!

Why do all the ladies love Jesus?
Because he was hung like this (stick your arms out in a crucifixion pose).


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## tallhorseman

A man is shipwrecked on a deserted island with a sheep and a sheep dog.
After several months on the island the man gets horny and the sheep starts looking pretty sexy.
The man finally gives in and tries to had sex with the sheep.
But every time he tries, the sheep dog attacks him, trying to protect the sheep.
One day a beautiful woman washes up on the island.
She's very sick, but the man nurses her back to health.
When the beautiful woman finally regains her health she starts getting horny.
She tells the man, seductively, that she will do anything to repay him for nursing her back to health... emphasizing Anything.
He looks her in the eye and says...

"Will you just hold that damn Dog???!!!"


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## xbocax

what do you get when you cross a penis and a potato
a dictator

how do you play a prank on hellen keller
leave the plunger in the toilet
how can you tell when a crusty girls on her rag
shes missing a sock

if there a building with 3 stories
the first level has punks
2nd has hippies
and 3rd has skins
who would survive ina earthquake?
skins because they'd be at work

how does jesus bite his nails?
*action*
start bitng your palms

and last but not least
womens rights

;]


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## drun_ken

this one is bad













im not kidding





pc people go away


















whats the diference between sara palins mouth and her vagina

only one retarted thing has come out her vagina


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## drun_ken

i told ya...


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## drun_ken

i had a sevan year old pay a troll toll at the gathering with....why does jesus hate m&ms...they keep falling thru the holes in his hand....


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## drun_ken

well damn then i take it back...and replace it with.....

so a little boy with a dead frog on a string walks into a whore house and proceeds to the counter...ms lady he says...i would like yer most disease riddin whore...how old are you young man she asks...the boy slaps down a hundred dollars...we dont have any women here like that even if you were old enough...he slaps down another 2 hundred dollars...is yer father here where is he...5 houndred ontop of that...is this a sting she looks around...3 hound more the boy sets down...room 5...later as the boy heads out the lady asks little boy whyd ya want all those diseases...well ya see now ill go home and screw my babysitter and shell screw my dad and my dad will screw my mom and my mom will screw the mailman and hes the mother fucker who ran over my frog...


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## xbocax

drun_ken said:


> there is a house...on the first floor live a bunch of hippies...on the second a bunch of skin heads...on ther third a bunch of punk kids....there is a fire who survives....the skinheads they were at work....



I just posted this one haha


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## drun_ken

a dozen or so light bulb jokes...

how many hippes
crusties
or activists does it take to change a light blub...none they never change anything

how many feminist does it tak... i don't find that funny

how many cops does it tak...can i see yer ID son

how many ravers does it take ta change a light bulb...i don't know but im blowin up can a give me a massage

how many goths
emo kids does it take ta change a light bulb...fuk it let em cry 
write poetry in the dark

how many irish men does it take ta change a light bulb...1 ta hold the light bulb and the rest ta drink till the room spins

how many sceenster kids does it take ta change a light bulb...1 the good news they fell off the step stool tryin ta take a pic on thier cell phone for face space or what the hell ever while they were doin it

how many squatters does it take ta change a light bulb...wait wait wait yer squat has electricity and were drinkin in the cold under a bridge


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## Komjaunimas

xbocax said:


> if there a building with 3 stories
> the first level has punks
> 2nd has hippies
> and 3rd has skins
> who would survive ina earthquake?
> skins because they'd be at work



Good one, have forgotten about this, but somehow i can't shake the feeling that this joke can partialy be true, most of the "real life situation" jokes comes from similair life events. What do you think?


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## JoeGerminate

Q.How many cops does it take to shingle a roof?
A.Depends on how thinly you slice them.

Q. when is it appropriate to give a cop a wink and a smile
A. *wink, smile, and pretend you are shooting a gun*

Q.why couldn't the baby walk down the hallway?
A.Because it had a javelin through its neck


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## Komjaunimas

The metalhead dude is holding a punkrocker in a headlock.
M: Are you going to grow long hair?
P: No
*A smack in a face
M: Are you going to grow long hair?
P: No
*A smack in a face
M: Are you going to grow long hair?
P: Yes
M: How long?
P: Up to the ceiling


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## tallhorseman

I little tongue-tied boy goes trick-or-treating dressed as a Pirate.

An intellectual answers the door and says, "You look like a Pirate".

The boy says, "Yeah, I a Piwate".

The Intellectual says, "A Pirate's nothing without his Buccaneers. Where's your Buccaneers"?

The boy just looks at him and blinks.

The Intellectual repeats himself, "Where's your Buccaneers, son"?

The boy finally answers, "My buckin ears are on the thide of my buckin head you buckin ath-hole. Where're your buckin eyes"???!!!


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## mbgeorge

what do you give a squatter with everything?

anti-biotics


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## L.C.

so a gay guy gives a crusty kid a ride.asks if he wants a drink. he says sure.they go to a bar the gay guy whispers into his ear "do you want a blow job?" the kid kicks the shit out of him and sits down and drinks his beer. the bar tender asks" what did he say?". the kid says"i don't know,sumthin about getting a job".


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## Wolfeyes

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two if they're small enough...

Say "Tickle Test" five times as fast as you can.

Q:What's the difference between a crappy golfer and a crappy skydiver?
A: A crappy golfer goes "WHACK! DAMNIT!" and a crappy skydiver goes "DAMNIT! WHACK!"

Q: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Depends on what you want it turned into...


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## simpletoremember

Q: How many CrimethINC kids does it take to change a light bulb
A: While were sitting on the roof top of the abandoned factory we had been squatting, eating our freshly dumpstered bagels. We stared up at the stars and thought we could change that light bulb or we could change the world


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## maemovesmadlyon

simpletoremember said:


> Q: How many CrimethINC kids does it take to screw in a light bulb
> A: While were sitting on the roof top of the abandoned factory we had been squatting, eating our freshly dumpstered bagels. We stared up at the stars and thought we could change that light bulb or we could change the world



LOL YES. I love this one.


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## iamwhatiam

okay here's a couple:

Why do gays check out of hotels so early in the morning?
They get their shit packed the night before.
------------------
Why does Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?
She moans with the other.
------------------
Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?
He was looking for a tight seal.
------------------
okay...and here's a nasty one to finish the lot out:

So a guy was eatin this chick out real good. He was goin down on her...goin to town...eatin her out real good when all of a sudden he comes across a piece of corn up in her snatch. He picks it out and keeps going. a little while later, he finds a piece a broccolli...he thinks to himself, "gross", but picks it out and continues. Then, he comes across a piece of carrot and has had enough. He says, "Jeeze, what's the deal? Are you sick or somethin?" "No", she replies, "but the last guy who ate me out sure was."

Lol.


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## crow

*you might've heard this one*

Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First hobo says "Today i found $100, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was a lucky day.

to which the second hobo replies: "oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her.."

The first hobo cuts in,
"Did you get a blow job?"

"Naw, I couldnt find her head but, we fucked all day"


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## Gudj

*you might've heard this one*



> Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First hobo says "Today i found $100, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was a lucky day.
> 
> to which the second hobo replies: "oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her.."
> 
> The first hobo cuts in,
> "Did you get a blow job?"
> 
> "Naw, I couldnt find her head but, we fucked all day"



Oh bummer.


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## MiztressWinter

How do you get an emo out of a tree? You cut the rope

What's another name for a goth girl? A Crow-ho

Why did the submissive cross the road? Because her master told her to.

True Masochist to a True Sadist: Hurt me.
True Sadist to a True Masochist: No.

Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear a sub say to their Master


 How was I supposed to know I wasn't supposed to put your leather pants in the washer?
 Yeah, right... SPANK THIS!
 Tomorrow night, I get to tie you up, right?
 God, you Dom's think the world should bow before you!
 And just what do you think you are going to do with that paddle?
 Sorry, I got a date tomorrow night. Some other time, perhaps?
 Spanking? I-THINK-NOT!
 Who died and left you in charge?
 Do your own damn laundry!
_And the #1 thing you will never hear a sub say to their Master..._

 What do I look like, your maid?


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## elvis jalapeno

how does a red-neck girl know when her mom is on her period?



her brothers dick tastes funny.


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## ayron

hehe the crimethinc one is fucking great


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## Everymanalion

I will go first...


What is Al Quedas favorite football team?

The new york jets!

Your turn!


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## Deleted member 363

ha, that was good​​​​You shouldn't make fun of concentration camps and the Jews. My grandfather died at a concentration camp........he fell out of a guard tower.​


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## Everymanalion

Come on you guys! i know you have more, no way you spent all that time on the road not thinking up super disrespectful jokes for JUST THIS MOMENT!


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## Casper

What's the best party of marrying a panda ?

People can't notice the black eyes !


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## Kphoenix

what did hellen keller say about the cheese grater she got for xmas?
it was the most violent novel shes ever read!

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
depends on how hard you throw them!

what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
nothin you aint told her twice already!


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## Everymanalion

What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnheart have in common......? Their last big hit was the wall.


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## Joe Btfsplk

If the eagle is a symbol of the United States and the dove is a symbol for peace, which bird is a symbol for true love?

The swallow.


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## Kim Chee

Fine. It isn't mine but I did find it:

A hobo traveling thru the countryside stops at a widow's house and does some chores in exchange for food. She invites him to spend the night as she would have more work for him to do next day. As they were preparing to get into the only bed, she places a pillow in middle to keep the sides of bed separated. The next day they were both working in the yard when a gust of wind blows her bonnet off and over a fence. The hobo says, "I'll get it for you ma'am." She says, "never mind, I will get it myself, if you can't climb over a pillow, there is no way you can climb over that fence."


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## bwad99

on one side of the world there is a person walking a tight rope over a very deep canyon.
on the opposite side of the world there is a young man getting head from a 65 year old woman.
this is happening at the same time when they both have the exact same thought go through their minds.
"don't look down"

how does eric clapton come up with a new hit?
he kills another kid.

person 1: did you hear ellen degeneres died?
person 2: no! oh my god really? how?
person 1: yeah, she drowned in ricki lake.

last one works well with people who watch alot of t.v. and are usually female, ive been punched so many times for that one.
i love bad jokes.


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## AnthraxMatt

have i got some horrible jokes for you guys, good for that party under a bridge somewhere.


person 1: did you hear about the new holocaust? it has 1 million jews and a clown
person 2: what the fuck, a clown?
person 1: see nobody cares about the jews

a man is eating a hot dog on the street corner and starts choking on it, a woman walking by stops, grabs his nuts and squeezes. the lodged chunk flies out, "thank you ma'am are you a doctor?" he says, "no" she replies, "im a lawyer"

what happened to helen keller when she fell down a well?
she screamed her hands off

whats the similarity between spinach and anal sex?
if you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult

two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. the first hobo says "today i found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. it was my luckiest day ever!". to which the second hobo replies: "oh yeah, my day was way better! i was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her, we fucked all day"
"did you get a blow job?"
"naw, i couldnt find her head"

how do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS

whats white on top and black on bottom? society
whats black on top and white on bottom? rape

how come only 8k mexicans showed up at the Alamo?
they only had 2 trucks


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## chilidog

one vampire walks into a bar and orders a vodka cranberry and leaves
a second vampire walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke and leaves
the next vampire walks in and ask for just a cup of hot water
the bartender looks at him with a questioning face
the vampire pulls out a bloody tampon and says, "just making some tea"


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## dharma bum

if you have a donkey, and i have a rooster, and your donkey bites my rooster's feet off... what do you have?

2 feet of my cock in your ass.


----------



## sons of vipers

who is Kony's favorite rapper?
soulja boy


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## divtech

two whales are sitting at a bar, one looks to the the other and says:
eeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyooooowwwwwwwwhhhhhhoooooo
the other one says: "Shut up Steve, you're drunk."


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## machzorton

what's brown and rhymes with snoop dog? dr dre


----------



## dolly

What do Hitler and Dale Earnheart have in common?
Neither one of them could finish a race. 

What does a stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work?
She gives him twenty bucks and drops him off at band practice. 

What's the shiniest part of a piece of shit?
His badge.


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## daveycrockett

that jew joke is fucked up fuck you


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## daveycrockett

yeah im jewish asshole


----------



## kurbster

So my dog sat down and was licking his ballsac, and this dude says "hey, I wish I could do that"
and I said "dude, my dog would bite you"


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## kurbster

Heard about the gay midget? He came out of the cabinet.


----------



## Drizzle

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

I can't jelly my dick into your ass.


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## chilidog

what did the mexican say when the two houses fell on him?

Hey! Get off me homes!


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## soapybum

How many squatters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -You're squat has electricity!?!?

What do you call a crusty chick with tattoos of maps all over her? - A navajo


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## Lily

How do you know hippies stayed at your house last night?

Your daughter is gone, your dog is pregnant, but your dishes are done!


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## soapybum

Btw, flying a sign that says something along the lines of 'jokes for a dollar' in the areas where all the drunk college kids hang out can make you pretty good $.


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## Stinkyyy

What kind of bees make milk? 

Boobies. 


Yep. thats all i got.


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## Nugrow Wilson

What's the difference between a washing machine and a hippy chick? If you spin the washer it won't follow you around for weeks


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## ayyyjayyy

Nugrow Wilson said:


> What's the difference between a washing machine and a hippy chick? If you spin the washer it won't follow you around for weeks



I don't get it. Lol


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## Nugrow Wilson

ayyyjayyy said:


> I don't get it. Lol


Umm LSD


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## Nugrow Wilson

What did the mom say to Michael Jackson on the beach? 


Hey get outta my sun..


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## Nugrow Wilson

Why does snoop dog cary a umbrella?



For drizzle


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## Matt Derrick

Nugrow Wilson said:


> What's the difference between a washing machine and a hippy chick? If you spin the washer it won't follow you around for weeks


 
better version is:

Q: what's the difference between a washing machine and a hippy chick?
A: the washing machine doesn't follow you around for weeks after you put a load in it.


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## smellsea

what do ya call an anorexic with a yeast infection?




a quarter-pounder with cheese.


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## ayyyjayyy

Matt Derrick said:


> better version is:
> 
> Q: what's the difference between a washing machine and a hippy chick?
> A: the washing machine doesn't follow you around for weeks after you put a load in it.



Yeah makes a lot more sense haha


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## Kim Chee

There is a hobo that lives under a bridge and get drunk every night...

One night the hobo gets drunk and passes out under the bridge. This gay man comes by and has his way with him and leaves $5 for the drunk man.

The hobo wakes up and finds the $5 and goes to the beverage store and buys the cheapest wine to get drunk off of. So the hobo gets drunk again and the whole process starts over... the gay man having his way, leaving the hobo $5 and the hobo waking up and buying more cheap wine. The hobo got drunk again. Except, this time two gay men come and have their way with the drunken hobo... this time they leave $10.

The hobo wakes up and sees the $10 and and goes to the wine store and says to the guy working there... "Can you give me some of your decent wine this cheap stuff is tearing up my ass"


----------



## landpirate

One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, anything you want after all you're the boss".
But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, ..... I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right.......this time I want you to fill it up with fish" God answers.
"Fish?" Queries Noah.
"Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies, "OK God, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check"
"But why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.
"Well...." says God, "I just thought it would be nice to have a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"

and....

Two oranges walk into a bar,
one says to the other,
your round...


and those my friends are the only 2 'jokes' I know and can remember...


----------



## Ekstasis

What do a dog and a near-sighted gynecologist have in common? Wet noses


----------



## smellsea

prison joke.
what is the difference between a pussy, and an asshole??



absolutely nothing! touch it, brother. it's only skin.
i always kind of thought of the punch line in macho man randy savage's voice


----------



## tallhorseman

A deputy is throwing two brawling cowboys in jail. One of em was the famous cowboy, Crazy Jim. The other cowboy says, “Don’t you dare put me in the same cell with Crazy Jim. He’s crazy. He wakes up every morning at daylight and masturbates his horse!”

So the deputy locks the two cowboys in separate cells and goes home for the night. 

The next morning the deputy shows up and Crazy Jim is gone. He asks the other cowboy, “Where is Crazy Jim? He was here when I left last night!”

The other cowboy replies, “I no longer call that man Crazy Jim, I call him Genius Jim!”

“When did you start calling him Genius Jim?” asked the deputy.

“I started calling him Genius Jim this morning at sunrise…right after his horse BROKE HIM OUT OF JAIL!!!”


----------



## Dmac

what is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? one is a scum sucking bottom feeder, the other is a fish!
what is the difference between your old lady and your girlfriend? about 30 pounds!
(for the ladies) what is the difference between your old man and your lover? about 30 minutes!


----------



## RockerBilly

How did the Greeks separate the men from the boys?

With a crow bar


----------



## RockerBilly

and now for the only joke I have ever heard about America:

what's the difference between America and milk? Give milk long enough and it develops a culture


----------



## soapybum

There's a lil boy playing in a park, man in a van drives up and tells the boy "if you come in my van ill give you a piece of candy" and the boy says "fuck that, give me a whole bag and i'll cum in your mouth."


----------



## soapybum

Lil girl and a clown are walking through the woods, lil girl looks at the clown and says "these woods are really scary" Clown says "you think the woods are scary now, I'm the one who has to walk home alone."


----------



## Nelco

where's the: how do you know if crusty has a girlfriend?


----------



## Stinkyyy

soapybum said:


> There's a lil boy playing in a park, man in a van drives up and tells the boy "if you come in my van ill give you a piece of candy" and the boy says "fuck that, give me a whole bag and i'll cum in your mouth."


ahahaha fuck


----------



## wokofshame

What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

"How are we ever gonna get thru this shit?"


----------



## Matt Derrick

Q: what's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?

A: I don't cum on an apple before I eat it.


----------



## Pheonix

What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?

you can drop her off anywhere.


----------



## Stinkyyy

How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.


----------



## Stinkyyy

Stinkyyy said:


> How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
> 
> None, they just beat the room for being black.


 
Or I suppose it would take just the one, but he'd call for a whole fleet of back up. who knows.


----------



## technotrash

Stinkyyy said:


> How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
> 
> None, they just beat the room for being black.


 
and then they arrest the lightbulb for being broke


----------



## technotrash

Q: a politician, a cop, and a banker decide to have a race where they jump off of a roof. who wins?

A: society


----------



## DahliaRose

A guy walks into a bar....he says "Ow." 
I use that one all the freakin' time.


----------



## vdem1

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip


Whats the difference between jam and jelly?

You can't jelly your dick into your girlfriend's ass


----------



## Hylyx

What's the difference between an onion and a politician?
I cry when I cut up an onion.


----------



## dharma bum

What did the hippy chick say when you told her to get off your couch?

"namaste"..


----------



## Rianaize




----------



## eskimo

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
It doesnt matter, she didn't listen the first two times.


----------



## Matt Derrick

eskimo said:


> What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
> It doesnt matter, she didn't listen the first two times.



Booo... Hisss


----------



## eskimo

Well I had a pencil joke but its pointless. 
I was gonna say a crusty kid joke but someone stole it. 
Then I was gonna tell a joke about my dick but its way too long.


----------



## EphemeralStick

What do you call a pig with a sun tan? Bacon

How many gay activists does is take change a light bulb? None, the bulb shouldn't have to change for Society to accept it.


----------



## DesertRat

How do you keep an Oogle in suspense? 

(Scroll down for the answer.)


----------



## Odin

A kinda large comet hits the earth.

All is dead.

Cept roaches... smoking roaches. 

... 

::finger::


----------



## Lusovius

What's worse than a pile of dead babies?
*There's a live one at the bottom.
What's worse than that?
*He/she has to eat his way out.
What's worse than that?
*He/she comes back for seconds


----------



## eskimo

Wanna know how to make your girlfriend really scream when you're having sex?

Call her up and tell her you're having sex.


----------



## DesertRat

eskimo said:


> Wanna know how to make your girlfriend really scream when you're having sex?
> 
> Call her up and tell her you're having sex.




To make it worse, use her sisters phone to make the call...or her moms.


----------



## eskimo

i had a gay joke, butt fuck it.
i had a penis joke but its way too long.
i had an unemployment joke but it needs some work.
i had a pencil joke but its pointless.
i had a pussy joke but you wouldnt get it.
i had a theft joke but someone stole it.
i had a 9/11 joke, but its plane wrong.


----------



## kidbob

So this is kinda a long winded joke and having to do with my choice of careers and the hillbilly mntn boys i work with

Two ol woodcutters decide to quit the tree bussiness one day and get better jobs
So the two ol wood cutters
Hop in their truck and head to town
Along the way they pass a airport with a sign that says "now hiring"
so they pull off in there and one of em goes in and ask about a job
The woman behind the desk tells the man 
"your gonna have to go talk to the man in the blue suit"
so he does
The man in the blue suit ask's the man what kinda work he does
The man replies
"imma pilot"
man in the blue suit ask about his experiance
To which the ol woodcutter replies
"mostly brush"
man in the blue suit jumps up excitedly and shakin the woodcutters hand says
"ur hired"
so the man walks out smiling gets in the truck and tells his buddy
"they hired me,i start tomarrow!"
the other woodcutter looking mystified walks in and talks to the woman
"sir ur gonna have to talk to the man over there in a blue suit"
so he does
"mister,my buddy just come in here askin about a job and says u hired him,i just wanna know if i can get a job."
man in the blue suit says
"sure,what kinda work do u do?"
to which the woodcutted replies
"imma woodcutter,i cut down trees"
blue man suit began laughin
"Whats so funny mister?"
blue man suit replies
"we're an airport mister,we dont have any trees"
ol woodcutter:
"well my buddy just come in here and u gave him a job!"
blue man suit: 
"yah but hes a brush pilot"
ol woodcutter:
"Well he cant PILE IT...UNTILL I CUT IT!!!" 




maybe im retarded for thinking this is funny...but if u ever chipped brush or piled wood while a tree is being cut down....it makes an hr go by humorusly (thats to say i laughed at it for an hour)


----------



## Kal

There are these 3 pregnant women in the hospital about to give birth. One says she is going to have a boy, two says how do you know? One says because she was on top during sex, two says she was on bottom so she is going to have a girl. The third woman starts to cry and I mean really cry and the other two women ask her, what's wrong? The third woman says I'm going to have puppies.


----------



## Mankini

Easy joke: Just approach someone and say "Hey! Joe was just looking for you!" When they ask "Joe?" say "Joe Mama!" LOL My friends really hate this.


----------



## Odin

voodoochile76 said:


> Easy joke: Just approach someone and say "Hey! Joe was just looking for you!" When they ask "Joe?" say "Joe Mama!" LOL My friends really hate this.



LOL...lame...

My favorite lame joke of all time... forever and ever and ever homeslice.

"You know what?"
"What?"
"Chickenbut!"
::chicken::::chicken::::chicken::

And if I'm asking a chick....

"You know why?"
"Why?"
"Chickenthigh!"
::chicken::::chicken::::chicken::
And then I make porno music sounds... "Boom chicka wow wow..."


----------



## kidbob

Odin said:


> LOL...lame...
> 
> My favorite lame joke of all time... forever and ever and ever homeslice.
> 
> "You know what?"
> "What?"
> "Chickenbut!"
> ::chicken::::chicken::::chicken::
> 
> And if I'm asking a chick....
> 
> "You know why?"
> "Why?"
> "Chickenthigh!"
> ::chicken::::chicken::::chicken::
> And then I make porno music sounds... "Boom chicka wow wow..."



Speakin ....of.... chicken


A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken running down the road. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.
Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph!
The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!
Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard with dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."
"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"
"Don't rightly know, I ain't caught one yet!"


----------



## wrkrsunite

How many hipters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Its a really obscure number youve prolly never heard of.

How do you spange a crusty?

Got any pitch.


----------



## wrkrsunite

How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?

None they just watch it burn out, then follow it around for 30 years.


----------



## CelticWanderer

Whats something rollies and and hippy chicks have in common?
By the end of it your doing this *proceed to pick hair/tobacco off tongue*


----------



## Lefty

they called you an owl...


----------



## dirty andy

Two antennae met on a roof top and fell in love. Soon they decided to get married. The ceremony was awful but the reception was excellent.


----------



## DesertRat

An Irishman walks out of a bar...


----------



## Zaphod

for when you meet people: 
Hey dude, what's your name?
Just call me "help! that man stole my purse!" Everyone else does

Why do anarchists only drink green tea?
cause proper tea is theft!

hey, I've got a knock knock joke, but I need you to start it
okay, knock knock
who's there?
...
*doge face*


----------



## pigpen

just thought of this one the other day, it's kinda corny...

why did the dirty kids have a baby?


they heard something about change in a diaper

zing!


----------



## pigpen

here's a better one that I didn't come up with.

so there's a old drunk man sitting at the front of a city bus one day when the bus stops to let an old lady on. The lady gets on and the bus driver collects her fare and says below his breath "tickle your cunt with a feather". The old lady says "What!?" to which the bus driver responds with a smile "Typical country weather." The old woman says "why, yes it is" and takes her seat. They continue down the road about a mile and then stop to pick up another elderly lady and it plays out the same as the first one.

By this time the drunk is cracking up and asks the bus driver just what in the hell he's doing. The bus driver responds "I've been working this route for 10 years now and this is just a game I play to keep it interesting. I say something dirty and then pretend I said something else when they start to freak out. Say why don't you get the next one?"

So the bus continues down the road another mile or so and stops to pick up a nurse getting off a twelve hour shift at the hospital. She gets on and the drunk says to her as she starts down the isle...

"Hey lady, shove a phone up yer cunt!"

The infuriated woman responds...

"What the fuck did you just say to me?"

To which the drunk replies...

"Have a nice day!"


----------



## lone wolf




----------



## Nelco

Odin said:


> LOL...lame...
> 
> My favorite lame joke of all time... forever and ever and ever homeslice.
> 
> "You know what?"
> "What?"
> "Chickenbut!"
> ::chicken::::chicken::::chicken::
> 
> And if I'm asking a chick....
> 
> "You know why?"
> "Why?"
> "Chickenthigh!"
> ::chicken::::chicken::::chicken::
> And then I make porno music sounds... "Boom chicka wow wow..."


Yeeeee...I do this as well....twilight zone


----------



## Odin

Nelco said:


> Yeeeee...I do this as well....twilight zone



Guess who?

Chicken Boo!

We are not alone in the poultry revolution. 

::chicken::::chicken::

Bukkah!


----------



## Mankini




----------



## deleted user

Hey girl, I may smell like cock


... But I'm no spring chicken


----------



## linno

uppercunt said:


> What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?
> 
> A Bah-na-na-na



I got $20 once for this joke... My favorite


----------



## dharma bum

If I have a rooster, and you have a donkey, and your donkey bites my rooster's feet off... What do you have?
......
......
......
...2 feet of my cock in your ass!


----------



## OstrichJockey

So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra...


----------



## LostHobo

So this guy from the prairies walk to the garden I'm working in and starts chatting with me for a while. All sorts of silly questions really about the garden, the veggies and stuff. I'm getting pretty riled up at this point listening to him being obnoxious. He finally ask me the QUESTION he's been itching for since the beginning: "So how big's the farm here boy?" So I tell him: "see the corner of the street there?" "Yeah" "see the telephone post there?" "Yeah" "Well that's how big it is until the tree line behind me". And the yuppy starts laughing and laughing and when he finally recompose himself he tells me: "Boy, if I jump in my pick up truck at sunrise on the summer solstice and drive until sunset that day, I can just make it to the end of my land". So I looked at him right in the eyes and turned around to go back in the garden and said "Oh yeah, I once had a car like that, but I got rid of the thing all right"

Feel free to appropriate the story, it's not from me


----------



## roughdraft

So two deer are leaving a gay bar - one turns to the other and says - "MAN! I can't BELIEVE i blew thirty bucks in there!"


----------



## roughdraft

*********Slightly sexist against ladies*

A bear (like an actual bear) walks into a bar where sit a lone girl and one male bartender - the bear orders a beer - the bartender is like "We don't serve bears in here"

Bear's like "Are you fuckin' kidding me? If you don't serve me a beer I'm gonna maul this girl"

Bartender's like "Nah bear - you're gonna chill the fuck out and you're going to be out of here"

Bear proceeds to maul and partially eat the girl sitting at the bar (I like to make snarling noises and flesh tearing motions now)

Bear's all covered in blood and he says "Now are you gonna serve me a beer or do you want to wind up like her?"

Bartender's like "Nah bear - you're about to chill the fuck out right now - that was a barbituate" (Bar. Bitch. You. Ate)

::artist::


----------



## roughdraft

****Slightly sexist against ladies* 

This woman works the front counter at a sperm bank. It's Monday morning, she clocks in around 7.45 and is doing some paperwork. She flips the sign around signifying the sperm bank is open.

A man walks in with a mask on - points a gun at her and is like "Open the safe"

She says "Uh, sir..this is a _sperm bank_....we don't keep money in the safe here"

He makes a show of taking the safety off, and says "BITCH IF YOU DON'T OPEN THAT SAFE RIGHT NOW I'M GONNA BLOW YOUR FUCKING BRAINS OUT!!!!"

She's afraid at this point and opens the safe - where sit many viles of different patients' sperm samples.

He says - "Okay, good - now drink one"

She's like "Are you serious?"

He's all like "IF YOU DON'T DRINK ONE I'M GONNA SPLATTER YOUR BRAINS ALL OVER THE FUCKING WALL!!!"

So she drinks one. (I like to make a gulping noise and say 'bleh')

He says "Okay good, NOW I'M GONNA WATCH YOU DRINK ALL OF THOSE OR I'M GONNA FUCKIN KILL YOU!!!"

So she downs them all, one by one, and says "There - is that all you want?!"

Her husband takes off the mask and says "See honey - what was so bad about that?"


----------



## Hylyx

Why do Portlanders love Kombucha so much?

It's the only culture they can get.



Knock Knock...

[Who's there]

Daisy...

[Daisy Who?]

DEY SEE ME ROLLIN, DEY HATIN
(It's best if you can cue up the song for it...)


What do you call 12 white guys on a bench?

An NBA team


Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

He was too far out, man,


A crustie walks into a bar and proceeds to get schwifty on beer. Just before the bartender cuts him off, he says to the barkeep "I'll bet you 500 dollars cash that I can stand on this barstool, pee into a pint glass on the bar, and not drop a single drop of urine anywhere."
The barkeep eyes him suspiciously, but it's been a slow night and hey, 500 bucks!He agrees, puts a clean pint glass on the bar, stands back, and tells the guy to proceed. 
The guy sways on the barstool, whips out his schlong, and irrevently pisses fucking everywhere, almost falling off the stool. 
True to his word, he gives the bartender the 500 bucks and walks out, laughing and smiling. 
Now an old timer in the corner saw this whole thing, and runs outside to the crustie. "What the fuck are you smiling about??" He asks. "You just made an ass of yourself and lost 500 bucks!!"
The crustie just points to a man in a suit outside the door and replies "Yeh, but I just bet that guy 2 grand I could piss all over this here bar and walk out smiling"


----------



## Hylyx

Oh and 

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" The horse says, "As an anthropomorphic horse, I fit in neither with humans nor my own kind, and have thus lived a life of loneliness."


A three legged dog walks into a bar, howls until all is silent, and announces "I am looking for the man who shot my paw!"


----------



## lone wolf




----------



## OstrichJockey

How do you know your sister's on her period?
Your dad's dick tastes like blood.

How do you know you have high sperm count?
Your girl has to chew before she swallows.

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pimple?
A pimple doesn't come on a boy's face until they're at least 13.

How do you circumsize a redneck?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippy chick?
The hockey player takes a shower after three periods.

How did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass?
Satisfying. 

Why do women have babies? 
Because it hurts, and they deserve it.


----------



## Rob Nothing

Epic, this thread and that last one in particular.

I don't know any jokes because my memory has always been nil. But I remember (somewhat) one about a month ago, about two property owners in Montana backcountry. Feel free to throw poo at me, but it goes like this

There is a disagreement.

One needs to use the others property to hunt or something, and the other says nay. But the first refuses to back off because his request seems innocent enough.

They call on a judge, and he comes to settle matters. 

Saying, 'we are going to settle this Montana style, and the first man to go down or otherwise forfeit.. Well, loses. Each of you are going to take turns hitting the other in the face.'

So the man with the land tells his neighbor to go first. The guy winds up and lets loose with everything he's got, clocking the guy square in the jaw. The man falls to his knees and remains silent for a few minutes trying to recover.

Finally he stands back up, and says, alright my turn... so saying, he kicks his neighbor in the balls, then throwing one into his nose as he is falling forward in agony. 

The neighbor is lying flat on his face blood all over in less than a few seconds. The man with the property then says, 'okay, I'm happy now, you can have it', and walks away.


----------



## ryefour

drunken marauder said:


> How do you know a crusty stayed at your house?
> 
> 
> they're still there !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


What does butt sex n spinach have in common? 



If you're forced to have it as a child you probably wont enjoy it as an adult.


----------



## creature

this young fellow is getting married. & on his wedding day his great granddad, who is about 90, pulls him aside & says "sonny.. sonny.. i have to explain something really, really important to you.. it's about sex & marriage.."

Well.. his great grandson looks at him, smiles & says "Grampers, I already know about the birds & the bees"

but his granddad pulls him up close & "no sonny.. this is *reealy* important.. ya see, when you firsts gets married, you have sex all the time.. 7, 8.. hell maybe 10 or 15 times a day.." & his grandsonny looks back ^ says ". well.. yeah, Grampers, i kind of figured that.." but his granddad says " well it doesn't stay like that... nope! ya see, after you've been married a few years you don't have it so often.. maybe 4 or 5 times a week.. & then, after you been married, ohh.. say.. 15 or 20 years, you don't have sex nearly so often.. just days like anniversaries or birthdays.." & his grandson looks at him & says "is that right..?" & then his greatgrandaddy, he says.. "yeah! & when you've been married a ***really*** long time, like me & yer grammy, you only have oral sex!!" & the young groom to be screws up his face & says "you & grammy still have oral sex???" & his grampers says to him, he says.. "yeah! every night before we go to bed, she screams at me 'Fuck You!!' & i scream back "Fuck you too!!"


----------



## Mankini

http://www.iflscience.com/space/giant-methane-storms-uranus


----------



## Hylyx

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says, "Again? What the hell is wrong with you people?" and pours two beers.


----------



## Adnil

Not a joke exactly, but still funny


----------



## Adnil

Not a joke exactly, but still funny.


----------



## Adnil

Not a joke exactly, but still funny.


----------



## roguetrader

what's the difference between a djembe and an onion ? ....... you cry when you chop up an onion ! / also a joke from my daughter earlier on went " my dad's so fat that when he goes to the beach all the whales start singing We Are Family "


----------



## Joe Btfsplk

Imagine the shy young man’s surprise when Pope Francis sat down in the seat next to him for the flight destined for New York City. Shortly after takeoff, the pope began a crossword puzzle. “This is really swell,” thought the young man, “I’m really good at crosswords and if the pope gets stuck, perhaps he’ll ask me for assistance and I’ll get a gold pass to heaven.”

Shortly thereafter, the pope turned to the young man and said, “Excuse me son, but I suddenly seem to be blocked on this crossword puzzle. Do you happen to know a four-letter word that ends in 'unt,' u-n-t, and that refers to a woman?” Only one such word leapt to mind, a word the young man felt should not be uttered in the pope’s presence. He thought a moment, and from a bolt from the blue, turned to the pope and said, “I believe your holiness, that it is the word ‘aunt’ you seek—a-u-n-t.” And the pope said, “Of course, my son. ‘*A*-u-n-t.’ God bless you. I don't suppose you happen to have an eraser?”


----------



## Odin

Why did the Chicken @Odin cross the Road?

::chicken::

Because thats what Cock-a-Oogle's Do!


Good morning everybody!


----------



## WanderLost Radical

How do you get rid of the runs?

By getting your shit together...


----------



## technotrash

@Helyx, related to your kombucha joke

what's the difference between white people and a glass of milk?
leave a glass of milk alone long enough and it'll develop a culture


----------



## Joe Btfsplk

If you put four people in a room and get them drunk, they'll start an argument.
If you put four people in a room and get them stoned, they'll start a band.


Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail.


----------



## Walkingfish

So I was spanging outside a store the other day, there was an ATM outside with this little old lady using it. She had to been 90 years old, hunched over a cane, looking confused. I asked her if she was alright and she said, in her frail old voice, "well young man, I could use some help. I can give you a few dollars." 

"Sure," I said, "What can I do for you."

"I'm confused. I don't understand these new-fangled banking machines. Can you help me check my balance?"

"Absolutely!" i said springing to my feet...



and I kicked her cane and pushed her down and said "Your balance sucks!"


----------



## Hylyx

2 of my dad's favorite jokes:

A drunk was stumbling through a Louisiana graveyard. Sure enough, he loses his balance on the edge of a newly-dug and empty grave. He falls into he hole and passes out, briefly. As the night drags on, he comes to and calls for help. 
"Help me, I'm cold!!!" 
"Help me, I'm cold!!!"
"Help me, I'm cold!!!"
Finally another drunk hears his cries and comes near enough to see what's going on.
"Help me, I'm cold!!!", cries the man in the grave.
"Well of course you;re cold", exclaims the new arrival. "You done gone kicked all the dirt off of you!!"
_____________________________________

An ol' country boy had for years tried to get his big city lawyer brother to come out and visit for a hunting trip. Finally, one day, his lawyer brother said he had enough free time to make it. He shows up with new camo gear, a new shotgun, new waders, etc. THe country brother shakes his head, but still feels happy to see his brother, and trade stories long into the night.
Far before dawn, they awake, get dressed, and head out into the swamp, the bumpkin's mangy hunting mutt in tow.
Barely light enough to not walk into trees, they come upon a bunch of ducks. BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM!!! They both take careful aim, but only one duck falls from the sky. The hunting 
mutt starts after the duck, goes *triptriptriptrip* acros the water, picks up the duck, goes *triptriptriptrip* back across the swamp to here they are standing, and drops the duck at her master's feet. No one says a word, and they keep on wading. 
Again, they come upon a flock of ducks sitting in the water. BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM. The dog starts off again, same thing *triptriptriptrip* across the swamp water, picks up the duck, *triptriptriptrip* back to them, and drops the duck unscathed at her master's feet. 
Finally the lawyer brother speaks up: "Now I didn't say anything the first time, cuz I thought I saw a goddamn lie. But did I just watch that mangy ol mutt walk *triptriptriptrip" across the water, pick up a duck, walk *triptriptriptrip* back here, and gice the duck to you?

"Yeahhhhhh" says his brother, "it's a goddamn embarrassment. I never could teach this stupid dog how to swim."


----------



## OstrichJockey

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I wouldn't pay 40 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.


----------



## Joe Btfsplk

Do you pick your seat on the bus or does the driver?


----------



## Kim Chee

Do you know why a dog likes to lick you on the face?

To get the taste of butt off of his tongue.


----------



## Garminbozia

What do you call a deer with no eye's? 

No idear.


What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef.


Don't you think the person who invented the knock knock joke should win a nobell prize?


What do you call a deer with no eye's and no legs? 

Still no idear.


----------



## wrkrsunite

Why don't union pacific engineer s wives ever get pregnant?
Cuz uncle Pete always pulls out on time.

What's the last thing that went thru a world trade center jumpers mind?
His shin bones.


----------



## creature

Helyx said:


> An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says, "Again? What the hell is wrong with you people?" and pours two beers.


i think that is fucking hilarious..

hopefully he takes an infinitely long time two fucking poor them..

unless they are truly thirsty, in which case he pours them beer/1 ; )


----------



## Rob Nothing

wrkrsunite said:


> What's the last thing that went thru a world trade center jumpers mind?
> His shin bones.



Oh god. Am I sick for laughing?


----------



## Hylyx

Ya hear the story about the old tramp who had enough and went to commit suicide? He went and laid across the Amtrak line, poor ol bastard starved to death.


----------



## OakTreeHopper

what's the first thing you do after taking a hippie chick's dress off



take off her pants










offensive inappropriate 
might be racist 
..................................
a plane is going down the pilot ask for volunteers to jump no one does
pilot says fine we'll do this alphabetically
i want all African Americans to raise their hands...no one does
pilot says i want all black people to raise their hands...no one does
pilot says i want all colored people to raise their hands...no one does
a little girl sitting by her mom goes mama mama why didn't we raise our hands we're all of those we're African American, black and colored???? 
mama looks at her daughter and says 
not today honey today we're niggers and the mexicans are going first


----------



## travmhid

creature said:


> i think that is fucking hilarious..



Well then, hopefully this gets a laugh too.. I mean it's no infinite series joke, but I like it. xD 

Four logicians walk into a bar.
Barkeeper: "Y'all something to drink?"
Logician #1: "I don't know."
Logician #2: "I don't know."
Logician #3: "I don't know."
Logician #4: "Yes."


----------



## travmhid

So a dude is fuckin' his girlfriend in the ass when her mother walks in. The mother shrieks, the girlfriend clenches, the dude pulls out. Pink sock.


----------



## HoboinaTux

What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.

I was going down on this chick and I tasted horse cum. I was like, damn grandma THAT'S how you died?!

What's the difference between a bag of heroin and a school?

I don't shoot up schools.



Question Everything


----------



## meatcomputer

I could never be an anarchist. 
You see I have a pro-state gland within me.


----------



## 6bummin6it6

Tell these jokes in the same joke sharing session, but with many jokes between them. 

First

A hollywood big shot is having an house built. His only requirement to the engineer was that there be no wasted materials. Not a btick, not a nail, not a single shingle. If the engineer completes the task, he gets like billions of dollars, if he fails and anything is left over or wasted, he gets nothing in return for his work. So the engineer hires a team of architects and fellow engineers and they work for years drawing plans. The greatest builders in the world come to work on the house. When the house is built, there is a single brick left. Fuck. But the hollywood bigshot loves the house so much he cuts the engineer a deal. He paints a line on the ground, if the break lands on this side, you get the money, if it lands on the other side, you get nothing. He launches the brick into the air and half a brick lands on the side to get the guy his money. The other half of the brick was never seen again. 

Makes no sense right? Good. Now tell some jokes and what not. Then tell this one.

People on a plane. There is this lady with a little dog. A guy nearby lights a cigarette and the dog starts yapping. The guys like hey, make yer dog shut up. The lady is all like put out your cigarette and the dog will shut up. A stewardess gets involved and the guy ends up putting out his cigarette. An hour passes and the entire process begins again. This time the stewardess says to the man, if you light another cigarette and i have to come back here again im gonna throw those cigarettes out the window. So of course another hour passes and the guy lights up another cigarette and the dog starts yapping and the stewardess is all like fuck you buddy *punches him in the face* takes his cigarettes and throws them out the window. And the dog jumped outta the window after the cigarettes. The lady is all upset and crying. With no yapping dog the guy can finally enjoy a cigarette in peace (he brought two packs) when the plane lands you can see the dog standing on the wing of the plane, its got something in its mouth. What do you think it was? (The cigarettes right? )

Nope, the object in the dogs mouth was.................HALF A FUCKING BRICK!!!!


----------



## XlilyX

a few originals here

What do you call an abstract wholesale store?
... picostco

what do you call a cow who owns too many guitar pedals as it grazes on a field of footwear?
...moograze

why can't Rastafarians commit manslaughter?
...its always _pre-medicated 
_


----------



## creature

arrgghhh...

what do you call a steer that eats 2 pounds of dynamite?

-Abominable 














a bomb in a bull. har har.. ughh..


----------



## JamesPrice94

A good one for the bartender 

What's the difference between you and a zebra ? 

A zebra's got a bunch of bars and an asshole.

You got a bar and a bunch of ass holes


----------



## JamesPrice94

Which sexually transmitted disease is 100 percent fatal ? 






Life


----------



## Cutthroat Curt

machzorton said:


> what's brown and rhymes with snoop dog? dr dre



You murdered this joke. Its:

Whats brown an rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre!


----------



## creature

palmazon said:


> A misogynist, a con-man, and a fascist walk into a bar -


o shit..

i was going to try to make one up...

a serious genius walks into the whitehouse
& then everyone dies...

but.. but.. wait...

that's not funny, is it??


----------



## Object

I had a sand spur in my sheet last night. It was the spur of the moment.


----------



## roughdraft

a backpacker is hitchhiking somewhere in South America when a truckdriver pulls over to pick him up

they get moving and soon the backpacker notices there is a monkey jumping around inside the cab

"that's my pet monkey who travels with me"

"oh how cool is that?" says the backpacker 

"yes in fact he is a special monkey that i picked up in Brazil, he does some really cool tricks, would you like to see one?"

"sure would" says the backpacker 

the truck driver turns and smacks the monkey on the back of it's head

the monkey proceeds to unzip the truck driver's pants, pulls out his member and starts sucking on it

the backpacker is thinking 'holy shit' and soon the trucker climaxes in the monkey's mouth 

wanting to go along with it and not lose the much needed ride the backpacker says 'wow that is an amazing trick!'

the trucker says 'sure is, do you want to give it a try? you're more than welcome'

the backpacker leans his head toward the truckers' lap and says 'yeah but you don't have to hit me so hard'


----------



## roughdraft

What's the difference between Christ and a framed painting of Christ?

a framed painting of Christ can be hoisted up with only one nail


----------



## Jerrell

After a long day of travel Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and asks the clerk, "can you put me up for the night?"


----------



## Mitzy

What did the grape say when it got crushed
Nothing it just let out a little wine

atheism is a non-prophet orgainzation

There was gonna be a cook off at the top of mount everest, the theme was cow, anything made of cow would be accepted. There were a shit ton of vegans gettin POed about it a bunch of cows are going to die??? They were going to do something about it, but the STEAKS were too high


----------



## Deleted member 16701

Why did the Seamen cross the road?

Cuz i wore the wrong socks today..


----------



## Dagonshucks

So this guy has been buying things all his life and he's a real breadwinner. One day he thinks he sees a whore and asks if she's for sale. "Sure, whatever," she says.
So they have sex, then he finishes and gives her the money. He goes and tells his buddies he got laid, and she goes and tells her girlfriends she bought a male prostitute.


----------



## jimbo slice

Have you ever had sex while squatting?...it's "in tents". 

Three guys die and go to the next life..ones a drunk ones a herion addict ones a pot head ...
The gate keeper takes the drunk to his domain and it's a big bar tells em have fun get wasted..
Takes the junkie to a dope house tells em have a blast do all the shots you want..
Takes the pot head to a field full of weed tells em have a good time getting stoned..
The gate keeper comes back a thousand years later and checks on the three addicts 
The drunk is wasted running around with his shirt off having a blast ..
The junkie is sitting in a corner with a smile feeling like a million bucks
He comes to check on the stoner finds him in the middle of the field ..he looks up at the gate keeper and smiles..hey man you got a light??


----------



## blue ant

Gonna get banned for this one.

What do you call a hitchhiker with a skin condition? Itchhiker
What do you call a hitchhiker who needs money for beer? Pitchhiker
What do you call a hitchhiker who reads Eric Gardner? Witchhiker
What do you call a hitchhiker whose jacket's covered in a bunch of stupid pins? Kitschhiker
What do you call a hitchhiker that tattles to the cops on the train kids? Snitchhiker
What do you call a hitchhiker that's no good with computers? Glitchhiker
What do you call an undead hitchhiker? Lichhiker
What do you call a hitchhiker who's way into fashion? Stitchhiker
What do you call a hitchhiker who whines a lot? Bitchhiker
What do you call a hitchhiker who'll pitch or catch? Switchhiker
What do you call a hitchhiker who likes Harry Potter too much? Quidditchhiker
What do you call a hitchhiker who passes out on the side of the road? Ditchhiker
What do you call a hitchhiker who stands in the middle of a road?
Dead.


----------



## codycodnyk

Say Wing 3 times out loud.

Hewwo!


----------



## Mandi

I have confirmed that Staples actually sells staples, I'm off to Dick's now!


----------



## SammyDmn27

I used to be a chain smoker, but then I became a second hand smoker. At first it was hard to get my hands coordinated, but now I can finally smoke with both hands.


----------



## AlfaKitty

DIAMONDRAILS said:


> What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
> Erotic = using a feather
> Kinky = using the whole chicken
> 
> 
> 
> Why are men like cars?
> Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
> 
> 
> 
> How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant?
> He forgot to wrap his whopper.



Why are men like lawn mowers? 

To get them started you pull on them and pull on them and before you know it you are mowing the grass.


----------



## roughdraft

AlfaKitty said:


> Why are men like lawn mowers?
> 
> To get them started you pull on them and pull on them and before you know it you are mowing the grass.



WOW that's a new one ahaha i will be sharing for sure


----------



## AlfaKitty

roughdraft said:


> WOW that's a new one ahaha i will be sharing for sure


I wrote that joke in 1994 as part of my first stand up comedy act at an open mike at Shooters in Reno, Nevada. It is good to share it again.


----------



## AlfaKitty

dirty_rotten_squatter said:


> Fucking hilarious haha.
> 
> one night a husband starts rubbing on his wife. The wife says “I’m sorry, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” The husband, being rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over says, “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”


Lololol that's funny.


----------



## Joe Btfsplk

A very holy and spiritual priest dies and is swept up to heaven. St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Hello Father welcome to heaven! You are very well known here, and as a special reward because you are such a devout man, we're going to grant anything you wish even before we enter the Kingdom. What can I grant you?"

And the priest says, "I am a great admirer of the Virgin Mother. I've always wanted to talk to her." St. Pete nods his head to one side and who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!

The priest is overcome with joy and says, "Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours and followed your life as best I could. I have studied everything I could about you--every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I've noticed without fail that you are portrayed bearing a wistful expression. Forever I've wondered what it was that made you seemingly so melancholy."

And Mother Mary says, "Honestly, I was really hoping for a girl."


----------



## Joe Btfsplk

Woman goes to her psychiatrist 'cause she's having big problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her lots of questions but wasn't getting a clear picture of her problems. So finally he asks, "Do you ever watch your husbands face while you are having sex?" And she says, "Well, yes, I did once." The psychiatrist asked her how he looked and she said, "Very angry."

The psychiatrist felt he was finally getting somewhere: "That's very interesting but we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex, which seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?" And she says, "He was looking through the window."


----------



## ElonMusksButtcheeks

machzorton said:


> what's brown and rhymes with snoop dog? dr dre



Poop log


----------



## 3tearsNbucket

how do they celebrate Halloween in Alabama ? 

They pump-kin.


----------



## roughdraft

So the circus is in town and there's this act with a lion in a cage.

A very brave woman enters the cage completely naked and lets the lion lick her entire body. All goes well and the audience cheers.

The master of ceremony asks 'Is there anyone else who is bold enough to engage in this daring task?!'

One man says "Yes! Just get the lion out of the cage first!"


----------



## Jerrell

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes ApParent.


----------



## Barf

oops


----------



## Barf

What is the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bath tub???

The woman in the bath tub has hope in her soul...

The woman in church has???

Soap in her hole!

Thank you, thank you.
I'll be here all week.


----------



## BradKajukenbo

What is tinier than a tinnie winnie ant?

An ants tinnie winnie


----------



## ElonMusksButtcheeks

So a racist, a murderer and a rapist walk into the bar and the bartender says “ What will it be officer?” 

Hahaaaa!!! Heard that at a show


----------



## Older Than Dirt

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.


How can you tell if your roommate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit.


Man walks into a bar. There is a big jar full of $100 bills on a shelf behind the bar. 
He asks the bartender "What's up with that jar full of hundreds?" 
Bartender says "it's a standing bet we have here at the bar. You put a hundred in to enter, you take home the jar if you succeed. First you have to go in the back room, where there's the meanest pitbull in town, and it's extra mean cause it's got a tooth-ache, and you gotta pull out the problem tooth with your bare hands. Then you gotta go upstairs, that used to be a whore-house, and Old Crusty Mary who was the madam and has seen it all and done it all, you gotta make her come _twice_."
Gay says "That is some crazy shit" but after a few drinks, don't you know he's putting his hundred in the jar and heading into the back room.
There is snarling and barking, and just a terrible ruckus, and it goes on for a while, and the bartender is pretty sure the dog has killed the guy, when he comes staggering out and says "All right, i did Part 1. Now where's that old lady with the sore tooth?"


----------



## Jackthereaper

What do you call a pony with a sore throat?

A little horse

What is the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? A hunter lies in wait, a fisherman waits and lies.


----------



## Older Than Dirt

How do you tell if a crusty girl is on her period?

Only one sock.


How do you tell a crusty girl just had her period?

One red sock.


How many people with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

HEY! LET'S RIDE BIKES!


----------



## Older Than Dirt

I know a lot of drummer jokes...


How do you know it's a drummer knocking on your door?

Keeps speeding up.


A famous drummer goes to the zoo. As he is passing through the Great Apes cages, a female gorilla grabs the bars and begins violently thrusting her pelvis at the bars, grunting, and drooling, while staring at the drummer.

A zookeeper approaches him: "Sir, i don't know if you happened to notice the reaction of the female gorilla as you passed by her cage? Because we've been looking for a man like you for years for an important experiment. What it would involve, is you would actually live in the cage with the female gorilla for two weeks, and have sex with the gorilla as often as she wants it, and it would be $5,000."

The drummer says "That is nuts. i am a famous drummer. But do you have a phone i could use to check in with my agent?"

Drummer calls his agent, who says "I'm sorry kid, i got nothing for you the next two weeks, you know how it is this time of year."

Drummer says to the zookeeper "Ok, i'll do it. But there are two conditions: First, i'm a famous drummer, a man in the public eye. You have to hang black velvet curtains all around the gorilla cage so none of my public will see me having sex with the female gorilla. The other thing is about the $5,000. I'm not really working right now, and i'm wondering if i can make payments?"


----------



## Older Than Dirt

A bassplayer joke...

The band is doing a show, and there is a very hot, very young girl dancing up front. The bassplayer is entranced, and it's like him and the young girl are in their own private sex world.

The guitar player has had it with the bassplayer's shit and says "Dude! Don't you know that's a minor?"

Bassplayer says "A Major, A Minor, what do i care?"


----------



## Cheese

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.


----------



## Cheese

How do you get into a hippy chick's pants?

Take off her skirt.


----------



## MFB

Whats the diff between a garbanzo bean a chickpea?


Ive never paid 50 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.


----------



## Deleted member 24782

How many white guys does it take to shingle a roof?


----------



## MFB

Brodiesel710 said:


> How many white guys does it take to shingle a roof?



Just one, to pick up the brown day workers from home depot?


----------



## Deleted member 24782

MFB said:


> Just one, to pick up the brown day workers from home depot?



Fuck, wasn't my answer but I will leave it at that!!!


----------



## MFB

Not a joke, but on that topic.

My parents live in a bougie retirement community in SC. Once I was visiting and helping Pops w some yardwork. My parents are white, Im mostly mexican.
As I was raking, the nieghbor came over and asked my Dad if they could borrow 'the help' after he was done w me.
My Dad said 'thats my son' 😂😂😂


----------



## Deleted member 24782

MFB said:


> Not a joke, but on that topic.
> 
> My parents live in a bougie retirement community in SC. Once I was visiting and helping Pops w some yardwork. My parents are white, Im mostly mexican.
> As I was raking, the nieghbor came over and asked my Dad if they could borrow 'the help' after he was done w me.
> My Dad said 'thats my son' 😂😂😂



HAHA, OMG. Dude I'd hire you do dig some ditches for me, I pay well!!!


----------



## MFB

Guessin this one might have been posted but... 

What did the hippy chick say when I asked her to get off my couch?

Namaste'


----------



## MFB

Whats the difference between 2 dicks and a joke?



Juan Derlust cant take a joke.... 😉😘


----------



## roughdraft

MFB said:


> Not a joke, but on that topic.
> 
> My parents live in a bougie retirement community in SC. Once I was visiting and helping Pops w some yardwork. My parents are white, Im mostly mexican.
> As I was raking, the nieghbor came over and asked my Dad if they could borrow 'the help' after he was done w me.
> My Dad said 'thats my son' 😂😂😂



and then what??? detalles detalles!!


----------



## MFB

Un monton de trabajo!

The nieghbor apologized and was probably a bit puzzled. We had a good chuckle. I do look like jornalero. 🤷


----------



## Jackthereaper

Not really a joke, a funny limerick though

There once was a pirate named Bates
Who danced the fandango on skates
He fell on his cutlass, which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates


To which she replied, savagely i may add “ what about an accidental castration prevents him from carrying a wallet?”


----------



## Joe Btfsplk

A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun.

A beautiful woman walks by, stops and says, "You poor man, I'll bet you've never been kissed, have you?"

The man has to admit that no, he never has. The beautiful woman bends down and plants a tender kiss upon his lips.

A few minutes later, an even more beautiful woman walks up to our limbless sunbather and says, "You look like you could use a nice hug."

He agrees that he surely could use a nice hug, which she then sweetly administers, and walks away.

A while later, an absolute drop-dead gorgeous gal walks by.

She stops, and with a sultry smile, looks down at him and says, "Mister, have you ever been fucked?"

Displaying a hopeful grin, he says, "Actually no, I have not."

And the drop-dead gorgeous gal says, "Well you are now. The tide's coming in.".


----------



## Deleted member 24782

How many anarchists does it take to change a light bulb?


----------



## outskirts

There's gotta be joke from this somehow?


----------



## Deleted member 24782

What kind of beer to vampires drink?


----------



## Deleted member 24782

outskirts said:


> There's gotta be joke from this somehow?



HAHA oh shit, amazing, that makes no sense. I will get some jokes for you.


----------



## Deleted member 24782

outskirts said:


> There's gotta be joke from this somehow?




"This was in the Netherlands, as I recall, and was setup by the firemen as a joke."


----------



## outskirts

Brodiesel710 said:


> "This was in the Netherlands, as I recall, and was setup by the firemen as a joke."


Thanks, glad to hear the origin of the pic. My uncle, who was a firefighter, gave me the pic. It must have been passed around the department as a joke in itself when he was still there.


----------



## SaltyCrew

Brodiesel710 said:


> How many anarchists does it take to change a light bulb?



How many?


----------



## Deleted member 24782

SaltyCrew said:


> How many?



Anarchists can't change anything.


----------



## SaltyCrew

Brodiesel710 said:


> Anarchists can't change anything.



Ahhhhhh!!! Lol. I should have known...


----------



## GhostWithTheMost

Whats a Cat use to make its eggs in the morning? 
Its Whiskers


----------



## GhostWithTheMost

Beegod Santana said:


> What's sex with hippies like?
> Fucking intents.
> 
> How many activists does it take to change a light bulb?
> Activists don't change anything.
> 
> How many tour kids does it take to change a light bulb?
> One to change it and 300,000 to follow the new one till it burns out.
> 
> and finally an offensive one....
> 
> How do you get a crusty girl pregnant?
> Cum on her ankles and let the flies do the rest.




How do you know when a hippie is on her period? 

Shes only wearing one sock


----------



## GhostWithTheMost

elvis jalapeno said:


> how does a red-neck girl know when her mom is on her period?
> 
> 
> 
> her brothers dick tastes funny.




How do you castrate a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw


----------



## Hobo richard

Hahaha these are great!
Here's my contribution...
Its late and patients and staff have left the dentist office for the day. The dentist remains behind and is straightening golf magazines, when a guy enters.
"Can I help you? Asks the dentist.
"I'm a moth! Says the guy.
"Excuse me? Asks the dentist and the guy repeats: I'm a moth!
"Well this is a dental office, maybe you should be seeing a psychiatrist"
I already tried that says the guy.
"Then why are you here? Asks the dentist.
The guy says,
"Your light was on.


----------



## GhostWithTheMost

How do you get your girlfriend/boyfriend to come crawling back to you after they break up with you? 

Break their wheelchair


----------



## GhostWithTheMost

Whats the hardest part about eating vegetables?

Getting them back in the wheelchair when your done


----------



## White Hawk

Two lefts don't make a right but two Wright's make one hell of an airplane


----------



## Deleted member 24782

Juan Derlust said:


> >4 months I've been waiting for a punchline here



It's been so long I forgot the punchline-WTF!!!?>?>


----------



## Deleted member 24782

Juan Derlust said:


> >4 months I've been waiting for a punchline here



Oh yeah - "BLOOD LITE"

The best part is I tried to google this and came up with nothing...guess it's an original joke!!


----------



## Deleted member 24782

Brodiesel710 said:


> It's been so long I forgot the punchline-WTF!!!?>?>



BLOOD LITE


----------



## Deleted member 24782

Why do anarchists drink green tea??


Because proper tea is theft.


----------



## Odin

What's Aliens favorite Song precious?


----------



## Barf

Www.trumpdonald.org

You can thank me later(after a laugh)

There has been weird energies I've been picking up on in my normal day to day shit and even here.

Take a deep breath through your nose, filling up your lungs but not letting your stomach rise, hold it for a few seconds and exhale. Do this until your blood stream is good and full of oxygen and you feel relaxed.

But cereal, click on the link.

I mean trump is the biggest joke of the year.

<3
barf

Ps - not that off topic this time


----------



## Barf

Edit: mods, with all due respect, could these two posts be merged?

What do you call A sleepwalking nun?

A Roman Catholic.

Why don't you eat pussy in the morning?

Ever tried pulling grilled cheese apart


----------



## Older Than Dirt

Did not want to derail the English vegan magic dude's thread any further, but it reminded me of this joke:

Q: How can you tell if someone is vegan?

A: They'll tell you.


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## Older Than Dirt

Let's see, um, a _rooster_ says "Cock-a-doodle-doo!", MFB says....

Help me out here.


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## Older Than Dirt

This is an old joke- you have to imagine there is no such thing as a cell phone yet, and that car phones are exotic and new, and long-distance calls are very expensive:

A backwoods country girl has been on the road for a while hitch-hiking. She gets a ride from a rich guy in a chauffeur-driven limo. 

He is showing off for the girl, and explains how, in his car, he has the most modern communications technology, and is in touch with every part of the world.

She says "I've been on the road for a while, and i'd give _anything_ to talk to my dear old mom back home right now."

He says "_Anything_?"

She says "_Anything_."

He unzips his fly, and pulls out his johnson, she bends over, and grabs it, and says "Hello, mom?"


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## Older Than Dirt

Priest and a rabbi are hanging out. A very good-looking young guy walks by.

Priest says "Jesus Christ, i'd like to fuck that kid!"

Rabbi says "Outta _what_?"
___________________________
The same priest and rabbi are hanging out again. Priest has to hear confessions, gets the rabbi to come along for kicks.

Lady comes in, "Forgive me, father, for i have sinned. I was overcome by lust, and fucked the mail-man."

Priest says "That is a grave sin. Was it just once?"

Lady says "No, father, i fucked him _twice_."

Priest says "Christ will forgive you. One hundred Hail Marys, $100 in the poor box."

Lady leaves, there are a few more confessions, but nothing big-league like the mail-man one. The priest is called to administer last rites to old Mrs McGillicuddy.

Priest says to rabbi "I gotta fly and do this Last Rites gig, but help a brother out, cover me on confession here."

Rabbi says "Are you _kidding_? I don't know from _confession_!"

Priest says "It's easy- you saw how it goes. Just listen to what they tell you, and give them penance."

Priest heads out, rabbi takes over the booth, another lady comes in, says "Forgive me, father, for i have sinned. I was overcome by lust and fucked the mail-man."

Rabbi says "That is a grave sin. Was it only the once that you fucked him?"

Second lady says, shocked, "Yes, father, i only fucked him once."

Rabbi isn't sure what to do with just _one_ fuck- do you just divide, or what? He says "Are you _sure_ it was just one time? Maybe you did it two times?"

Second lady says, even more shocked, "_Yes_, father, i only fucked him _once_."

Rabbi, unsure of the rules here, but figuring he has to do _something_, says "Christ will forgive you. One hundred Hail Marys, $100 in the poor box. The church'll owe you a fuck."


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## MFB

Whats the difference between a microwave and @Juan Derlust 's crayon hole?


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## MFB

A microwave doesnt brown the meat.


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## Older Than Dirt

MFB said:


> crayon hole



!!!!! So good.


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## MFB

@Juan Derlust I'll see if I can change my user name to dick, since you cant seem to keep my name out of your mouth.


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## Older Than Dirt

A priest, a rabbi, and a lawyer are on a sinking ship.

Rabbi says "We've got to save the women and children!"

Lawyer says "_Fuck_ the women and children!"

Priest says "Do you think there's _time_?"


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## Older Than Dirt

Q: What does it mean when you see 10 lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

A: Somebody ran out of sand.
----------------
An minor angel is touring hell, reviewing the tortures of the damned to make sure sinners are suffering.

The devil showing him around takes him to a chamber where folks are getting molten-lead enemas; angel says "Yes, yes, the molten-lead enemas, good, good."

Next chamber the devil shows him is flooded up to neck level with slowly rising shit, pus, and used restaurant grease. Angel says "Good, good, the slowly rising shit, pus, and used restaurant grease; next, please."

"This is something new we've been working on," says the tour-devil as he leads the angel into the next chamber.

This chamber is lined with shelves of law books. In the middle is an ornate desk, with a very beautiful woman bent over it, getting fucked from behind by a middle-aged guy in a suit, with his pants around his ankles.

The angel says "Well, _that_ doesn't look like the tortures of the damned to _me_!"

The devil says "Who are _you_ to question that poor woman's punishment?"
-----------------
Q: Why have psychologists started using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments?

A: There are more of them, and there are _some_ things rats _just won't do_.


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## Odin

What did the waiter at the pizzeria ask Doc Holiday?

What do you want on your Tombstone!! 🍕🍕🍕


::hilarious::


I just made that up... Five stars if your a millennial or younger and get it! ::eyepatch::


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## Hobo Corncob

A drunk staggers into a bar, goes upto the the bartender and says 

"I'll buy a round for everyone in here, a beer for myself and a shot for you!"

The bartender hands out all the drinks to a thunderous round of applause for the man. Everyone raises a glass and finishes their drink. When it comes time to square up the bill the drunk says to the bartender 

"Oh...I can't pay that...I forgot my wallet at home!"

The bartender leaps over the bar, drags the drunk into the back alley and proceeds to beat the hell out of him.

The next day the same drunk walks into the bar and says

"I'll buy a round for everyone in here, a beer for myself and a shot for you!"

The bartender thinks to himself "After the beating yesterday, he can't be stupid enough to try it again!" So the bartender hands out all the drinks to a thunderous round of applause for the man. Everyone raises a glass and finishes their drink. When it comes time to square up the bill the drunk says to the bartender 

"Oh...I can't pay that...I forgot my wallet at home!"

The bartender leaps over the bar, drags the drunk into the back alley and gives him a beating even worse then the last one.

The next day the drunk walks into the bar all bruised up and says

"I'll buy a round for everyone in here and a beer for myself!"

The bartender replies "What, no shot for me?!?!"

The drunk says "No! You're too violent when you drink!"


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## Odin

One day a comic walked into a bar... 

He said gimme a double shot of whiskey and make it quick!!!!!!!!!

The barkeep said... sure thing... no need to be cross... jesus!!!

The Comic said... 








::eyepatch::


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## Aaron Adonis

My anarchist friend suggested i try the bread book. 

It didn't toast very well.


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## Deleted member 24782




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## Older Than Dirt

Q: Didja hear the one about the fish that got caught?

A: Yeah, he shoulda _kept his mouth shut._

A "Dad joke", provided Dad is an old crim trying to subliminally imbue "Crime 101" lessons in his kids. 

Jesus taught in parables, i used to call my teaching style "stand-up tragedy"- if you got the jokes, i was radicalizing you.


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## RoadFlower33

What do you call a big pile of kittens? 
A. A meowntian. 

What did the science book say to the math book? 
Bro, you got problems. 

Why was 10 scared of 7?
Bc 7,8,9
Why did 7 eat 9? 
So 10 wouldn't fuck with him. 

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the cock on the other side. 

I have offensive jokes all day long, but I won't here.


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## AJBird

saw a dude spill scrabble tiles all over the ground yesterday
I asked him, "whats the word on the street?"

(and in a similar vein to BirdDaddy's chicken joke)
Why did the chicken go to the seance?
To get to the other side

and last but not least, how do you drown a hipster?
throw him in the mainstream


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## perapeteticSolitude

What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?

dam.

how many squatters it take to screw in a lightbulb?

we got electricity?!

how dot you know a dirty girls on the rag?

her boyfriend only has one sock

a guy walks into a bar, says ow

what do you call a black pilot?

a pilot you fucking racist


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## varis

My favorite joke ever:


How do porcupines f***? 

...
...
Very carefully.


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## Kerosene Larry

How many oogles does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Hey, you know lightbulb? That dude stole my pack!


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## mononym

A lone wayfarer is backpacking through Ireland when it starts pouring rain. The only sign of civilization is a house on a hill.

He follows a fence up the hill to find that the house is a pub. He goes inside and orders a pint, wondering why he is the only one at the bar.

The bartender asks him if he noticed the fence on the way in, and the traveler nods. “I built that fence with my bare hands” he says, “but do they call me MacGregor the fence builder? No.”

The traveler changes the subject. “You did a good a good job on this pint, how long have you been tending bar?”
“Twenty years,” the man replied, “but do they call MacGregor the bartender? No.”

Confused, the traveler sighs and looks down at the floor.
“I see you eying my floor,” said the bartender, “I laid that floor twenty years ago with my bare hands, but do they call my MacGregor the carpenter? No.

But you fuck one goat…”


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## iamwhatiam

What did Jeffrey Dahmer do after he dumped his boyfriend?

He wiped.


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## WestOfSunset

What does going down on old people taste like? 
Depends...

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? 
None, they just beat the room for being black. 

You know why baker's chose 13 for their dozen?
Cause fuck 12. 

You know why tweakers do it doggy style? 
So they can both peak out the blinds at the same time. 

What do you say to a hippie in a three piece suit? 
Will the defendant please rise.


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## jamaicafaith

xmaggotx said:


> im late... but...
> 
> how many boneheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb? ... 10, 1 to screw it in 9 to watch his back
> 
> how many crusties?... crusties dont screw in lightbulbs they screw in dumpsters.
> 
> whats the difference between a baby and an apple? ... i don;t usually cum in my apples before i eat em.
> 
> how many babies does it take to paint a barn?... depends how hard you throw em
> 
> whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a porsche?... i dont have a porsche in MY garage
> 
> whats worse than 10 dead babies stapled to a tree?...one dead baby stapled to ten trees.
> 
> 2 punks and a bonehead are in a car. whos driving? ... the police
> 
> how did helen kellers parents punish her?... rearrange the furniture
> 
> why did helen keller's dog commit suicied?... id kill myself too if my name was "uuuuungggggghhhhhhhhhhh!" (gotta say it real good)
> 
> THE FOLLOWING JOKES ARE NOT OKAY BY ANY MEANS, BUT I'M SAYING EM. ... dont read if your easily offended.
> 
> why cant helen keller drive?.... because she's a woman
> 
> this next one's real bad
> 
> what do you call the useless skin on the outside of a vagina?..... the woman


What's the worst thing about eating your vegetables?

Putting them back in their wheelchairs


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## bootz

I really kinda hate my partners fetish..... I just had to get that shit off my chest 

Whats the difference between a praying nun and a nun in the bathtub? One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole


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