# A long hard road



## IAteTheKittens

I was thinking today how, today seemed to me, to be the end of a long hard road for me. I don't pretend to have it hard, I'm sure there are tons of people some of them on this site that have had it much harder. They haven't had loving parents or a comfortable place to sleep, they by and large have had to go through this life relying on the kindness of strangers and people in the same situation they found themselves in. 

About a year ago maybe more at the beginning of 2008 I lost my car, since April of 07 I had been driving and enjoying every minute of it. I was really stupid though, during that time I got heavily addicted to benedryl. If you need to ask how just Google it. I was soon devouring packs upon packs to supplement the fact that I had no weed. Stupid but fun I didn't know that it would catch up to me. I got stopped several times under the influence and let me tell you that was the scariest thing i have ever experienced. i was tripping heavily one night,near delirious when I went to drive my car the half mile from my friends house only to almost hit a cop and allegedly run a red light. I could have sworn I sat there waiting for it. 

Anyway this all for all the citations i acquired I was told to go to court to straighten it out. That morning was the middle of a big snow storm and I didn't go. I called the clerk and left a message then went back to bed. 2 weeks later I get a warrant in the mail for my arrest. That's when my license was suspended. Eventually my insurance lapsed because I failed to pay it. Now i understood how a person with no income could afford to drive a car. 

Everyday I drove with fear that I would get caught, but if i got caught in town it was usually off to the garage, I'd pay them the 100 or so dollars and I'd get to drive home. I remember one day I was over my dealers house and he was in his car on his laptop looking up girls on my space. Well it was then that I figured since i had a car I thought it was time to get me a girl. At the time I was in to older women so I trolled for 40 somethings.

Before long I found one and we progressed to talking all the time. To fast forward on the eve of our first date I drove out to meet her at a movie theater in a town about an hr away that i had never been too. I eventually got stopped by the cops for making a wrong turn and then the truth was out. My car was towed to a garage about 2 hrs from my house and that was the end of my driving days. 

For the next 8 months i got high as my mother prepared to move from our apartment to another one, me being without my car caused me to have to live with her, I was going to live in my car,not anymore. Well after a long while I got my license straightened out I had my day in court twice, for 2 separate suspended license offenses one in ct and one in ma. At the end of it I only payed about 120 bucks, I also had to take a driver reeducation course. 

3 weeks after i lost the car I threatened to kill myself and was sent to the loony bin for a day. There my mom bless her heart kicked it into overdrive and not only got my grandmother to go and pick up my car 2 hrs from her house but to pay the 300 it took to get it out of the garage, I almost let the garage have it. I had no way to get it out

Now after all this time, After losing my job of 2 1/2 years at a bakery, after breaking my ankle therefore terminating my employment. After moving finally to a brand new town and starting a brand new job at a grocery store where everyone is so nice to me, Ive hit the last step. All i need to do now is save up enough to get my car back on the road. 

I'm almost back on top. 


So to celebrate, Tonight in honor of my first pay check, I got a six pack of Smirnoff ice and I watched my favorite movie. Tomorrow I'm hoping to hit my supervisor up for some weed, since i found out she smokes and I'm moving out into the woods finally to be on my own. I am rebuilding my life. Its funny when i lost my car, I said to myself with a sigh, "whew its gonna be a long road" and it was. It couldve been a lot shorter if I hadn't been so stupid or bothered to save up money instead of buying so much weed before i lost my job.

The bad memories of that night no longer haunt me, I haven't done benedryl in at least 2 weeks and I have decided to fight for my future. Thats my whole story. thank you


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## bote

wow man, your life sounds pretty fucked up, mostly by your own lack of imagination. i suggest you focus on getting something more out of life than a car, or weed, or any other material possession/consumer item, and I say this with your best interest at heart.
You are obviously not a stupid person, you write well and have some insight into your own situation, but boredom is a killer, and you sound either extremely bored, or like you should be. If travelling is not your thing that`sokay, learn to make some art, fix bikes, cook, volunteer, anything. Do something.


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## IAteTheKittens

*So you think...?*

So you think my life is boring because of a lack of imagination. The fact that it seems like ive got this life that im not doing much with at all. How everyone elses stories are so much more exciting than just simply losing a car and getting stoned all the time. If you had my life , if I just handed it to you , to do with what will. What would you do with it? What am I doing wrong? At one time At actually told my mother I wanted to hike across the US when i was around 18 or 19 but I never did.

I knew I didnt fit in with the people here.


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## IAteTheKittens

I do care, Im never gonna be any of you guys, with the peircings and the tattoos not giving a shit where your going , squatting in places with a bunch of people. I saw the pictures everyone looks like their having so much fun. It seems as if I'm supposed to be alone. I just dont feel "normal" around anyone. I dont feel comfortable around anyone, i always feel like an outsider.


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## Coughing Prophet

I would suggest a lady friend, my friend. They do wonders for telling someone your personal feelings.


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## IAteTheKittens

*you kidding me*

girls dont want to hear about guys feelings, all they want to do is talk about themselves all the time, they wouldnt give a shit if he only said three words, "yea,ok and bye. I have to say i havent met a girl yet who didnt monopolize the whole conversation and as soon as i begin to tell them how i feel they lose interest.


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## bote

i didn`t mean to make you feel unwelcome, i don`t think you are particularly dull or that your life is boring to hear about, in fact it makes good reading, because you describe it well. Like barbuchon said, ¨there`s more to life¨ and that`s all i was getting at.

i wish you a benadryl-free existence and awesome conversations with women that twist your head around, and i hope to hear about it.


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## IAteTheKittens

*its totally cool*

IVe been having a bad day, My day at work was totally bullshit and I called this lady for some weed cause she said she could hook me up and she basically blew me off. She said there wasnt anything around and I was hoping to smoke soon, i havent smoked for soo long. Due to my anti social nature its hard to meet people especially in a small town. Sometimes it feels like everyone in the world is smoking but me. Its so unfair. I do feel a bit boring, my life isnt some great adventure like ive been reading about with some people. The most i'm doing right now is moving myself over to the woods. I wish i had more people that I knew that i felt comfortable with who smoked weed on a regular basis who could possibly inspire me to have a more exciting life. I used to think about finding a group that I could really fit in with. I have never found that group yet.


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## IAteTheKittens

*I get it*

I totally get what everyones saying, I complain I shouldnt be wanting to smoke weed. No one will go on the road with me if I complain. The difference between me and everyone else though is the fact that you guys arnt doing all this completley alone are you. Im just one person, I hate that. So any change in my life that i make right now I'll be making it completely alone. What motivation will I have there? What fun is that? See what I'm saying? 

If i'm the only one at the party it's not a party is it?


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## remeck

What's wrong with doing something alone? You somehow think that people automatically are going to make something great, but as you already know, majority of people will just crap on your fun. Most people I mention my squatting aspirations to think its stupid and that its wrong. But you have to find the fun within yourself. I like the freedom of running around alone, so I don't have the baggage of another to carry with me. 
You just need to accept that you are an outsider and be cool with it. Otherwise, you'll play the victim card as long as you can get by with.


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## IAteTheKittens

*I Am an outsider*

I am an outsider, I never feel comfortable or loved. Ive always been this way too ever since childhood. It's like Im an outcast, but it doesnt make me want a group or just someone else really special any less. I know I complain ALOT it just feels like theres some big secret im not getting. Ive never really accepted being completley alone. That doesnt mean I cant learn though? Does it?


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## Coughing Prophet

The big secret my man, is that we are insignificant beings.....

Get used to being nothing compared to VY Canis Majoris!


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## Coughing Prophet

Oh damn, that's a bitch. I was getting so excited that the strip was going to enlighten me!:deadhorse:


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## dirty_rotten_squatter

Dude, grow some nerves, grab a fuckin 6 pack, tell ur boss to fuck off and go at it. You meet people along the way. Whats the sense in bitching about it online and not TRYING?! I'm sure all of us on here have had the shitiest times ever, cold, hungry, soaked, alone, whatever. But I'm positive all of us on here have had some fucking epic times too alone, with people, wasted, sober, the point is YOULL NEVER KNOW UNLESS YOU STOP CRYING ABOUT IT AND GO!I believe that samuel Johnson once said "The use of traveling is to regulate imagination by reality, and instead of thinking how things may be, to see them as they are" Good luck


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## IAteTheKittens

*i guess your right*

I just cant decide, i have a need for a normal life but I guess ive always had to need to get away from everything this life is. Do you guys ever wonder what will happen when you stop traveling? One day your gonna have to find a job you can be homeless for the rest of your lives can you? So as i asked before...whats the point? Sure you meet people and you get to have crazy adventures but your not any more ahead in life than when you started out, no money in the bank. You eventually have to start over dont you? I want to learn everything I can about this way of life so i have questions.


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## bote

you can live however you want, for as long as you want, or at least you can try. there is always adversity, there will always be uncertainty, living in a gated community with lots of stuff doesn`t change the nature of human existence, neither does being poor and travelling around, but if you feel like you are challenging yourself and enjoying your own ability to participate in the world, life is good.


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## IAteTheKittens

*Welll*

Atleast working at supermarket has some sort of point, i earn money and i save it and eventually i can get something really big with it, but i swear if i lose this job with the money i saved im booking it to BC haha.


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## finn

I'm not entirely convinced that there are people like you out in this world, since I've never met them- maybe I'm just in the wrong places- but that's besides the point.

The point is that a good story has something that they can relate to- people want humor, they want suspense, they want to feel that the writer/narrator has some connection to them, they want to learn something. People don't really want to hear a confessional, well I don't anyway, especially if its depressing. If you are trying to fit in, look at the stories in here that people like, and then write about some experience along those lines...

And looking at your avatar, I'm not convinced that you are trying to 'fit in,' which is fine, but it doesn't go along with your professed goal.


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## IAteTheKittens

*wow*

I dont want to fit in, i never have. Im sorry if you think because youve never met someone like me that that's a bad thing. I know some people who would be excited to see someone new. My avatar makes me happy, because its from a movie i had alot of fun watching. Yeah so im different, so I dont fit in. So what? I hope everyone here wants to get to know this "different" guy just like i wanna get to know each and everyone of you.


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## remeck

:zombie:


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## IAteTheKittens

*a zombie?*

a zombie? mmmkay


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## bote

i agree that there is definitely something disingenuous about you


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## dirty_rotten_squatter

Widerstand said:


> Ill second that.



ill fourth


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## IAteTheKittens

*sooo*

I had to look up that word. So you guys think im not being straight forward? that I'm being some how fake and not really representing who i truly am?


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## bote

you got it


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## remeck

I don't know what to say zombie boy, at first you were all about wanting to fit in and now you are saying you are cool with your quirkiness. Maybe multiple personalities interacting with us on this forum?


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## dirty_rotten_squatter

man, all i can say is just stop whining about how hard life is, live every day as if it were ur last. It's really not so horrible honestly. im done with this thread


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## Rash L

*i guess your right*



IAteTheKittens said:


> Do you guys ever wonder what will happen when you stop traveling? One day your gonna have to find a job you can be homeless for the rest of your lives can you? So as i asked before...whats the point? Sure you meet people and you get to have crazy adventures but your not any more ahead in life than when you started out, no money in the bank. You eventually have to start over dont you? I want to learn everything I can about this way of life so i have questions.



A) Houselessness has no time limit.

B) The point (at least for me) is that you get ONE life and you never get to know how long its going to last... so the best possible thing is to have as much fun as fucking possible, make as many lasting memories as possible, and strive to do whatever you can to fill your life with good -- whether that is being a productive member of society and working (at a job or for yourself), creating things, having adventures, or just learning (etc etc).

C) Having "crazy adventures", traveling, and creating your own stories gets you MUCH more ahead in life than sitting around and doing drugs (or nothing at all) will do.

D) Everyone in life has to start somewhere... and most people have to start "over" more than once in their lives. Its all up to whats more important to you, living or making money to live later. Who knows when "later" will be or if it will ever come?

E) "Starting Over" can happen at any point in your life, for any reason... and it isnt so hard as long as you can find some good people to help. Whining wont encourage help, trust me.

GOOD LUCK!
and I hope you find what you are looking for.


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## IAteTheKittens

*thank you*

I hate starting over more than anything, I am fairly young so i guess theres a first time for everything. Ive already had to start over once. Thank you so much for your advice. There are things i want to do more than anything that my mom calls stupid and crazy. I didnt mean to complain guys, it just took me a couple days to really get into the board and calm myself down. Im starting to really understand why everyone here lives this "alternative" lifestyle. Hopefuly one day i will too. Thanx.


-Matthew-


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## headingsouth

you sound like your a bi polar manic depressive. nobody feels sorry for you. :sucks:


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## Rash L

psh, speak for yourself headingsouth.
I kinda have some pity.


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## lostinspace

*I Am an outsider*



IAteTheKittens said:


> I am an outsider, I never feel comfortable or loved. Ive always been this way too ever since childhood. It's like Im an outcast, but it doesnt make me want a group or just someone else really special any less. I know I complain ALOT it just feels like theres some big secret im not getting. Ive never really accepted being completley alone. That doesnt mean I cant learn though? Does it?



Why do you think that we're all here? We're all outsiders and a lot of us are proud to be.(All of us would say that we are, but there are inevitably some bullshitters) We are all scared regardless of what anybody says and none of us know what is going to happen in life. What would be the point otherwise? Just live your life and make the best of it. Life is a bitch but don't just get high and forget about it. Not that i don't get high, i'm drinking rum right now and about to smoke a bowl. By myself, without a soul in the world to really talk to and open up to, but that's life, there's no point to it, just live it and make the best of it. Don't get me wrong i've been extremely depressed and even, seriously, considered the option of suicide recently, but what's the point of that? What would it accomplish? End the pain? What would be the fun in that? "Tears and Laughter", that's all there is in life, so make the most of the laughter and learn from the tears, otherwise it really is pointless. Good luck, we're all in this together.


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## lostinspace

*thank you*

And don't be afraid of starting over. Or be afraid, we all are, regardless of what we say. But do it anyways, you won't change any other way. And if you don't nothing else will either. "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Once again, good luck, it ain't ever easy.


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## headingsouth

how can you have pity for somebody thats puts himself in all these "supposed situations"? hes a young kid who just wants attention. i have no pity for anybody who is weak-minded.


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## IAteTheKittens

headingsouth these arnt supposed situations,this is my life were discussing here. Maybe i started it for attention but now i really appreciate the advice everyone is giving me. Ive warmed up to everyone on this board. I'm not just a kid im 22. Honestly though my 20's feel like im going through being a teenager all over again it sucks. If you have no pity for the weak minded you have no pity at all,because even you my friend are guilty of it from time to time, we all are. So lighten up, this board and the people on it have changed my life.


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## headingsouth

the people on this board changed your life? you've been on this site for less then a month and already your life has miraculously changed? and no i wont lighten up. you can sit there bitching and complaining how terrible your life is. you put yourself out there. so i can say what i think.


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## IAteTheKittens

*actually yea*

wow you must be really down on life, i prefer to stay more positive. Yeah ive been here a few days and Ive discovered this amazing way of life that i never thought was possible before. So it has changed my life, it only takes a minute ,a second or even an hr to have a life altering experience. Ive already met tons of great people. I admit and will continue to admit that I do tend to complain,but really who doesnt right? Were all human and all in this together as a very wise person once told me. You should lighten up though, no reason to go through life hating on a complete stranger just because their doing something you dont like. 

I am sorry about how i introduced myself to the forum but things are better now.


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## dirty_rotten_squatter

headingsouth said:


> the people on this board changed your life? you've been on this site for less then a month and already your life has miraculously changed? and no i wont lighten up. you can sit there bitching and complaining how terrible your life is. you put yourself out there. so i can say what i think.



hey man, Ive had some life changing experiences in one day don't knock those!


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## headingsouth

hey man, Ive had some life changing experiences in one day don't knock those! 

im not knocking them. i agree they happen alot. i was just saying that this guy is full of shit. hes just saying all this shit to make himself feel accepted. 

wow you must be really down on life, i prefer to stay more positive.

im a very positive person. im very happy with my life (unlike you). the only reason im coming across like this is i feel like every word you typed in this forum is a bunch of bullshit. im not saying its all bullshit, but alot of it sounds like you heard it from someone or somewhere, read it in a book, or thought it up in your head.

You should lighten up though, no reason to go through life hating on a complete stranger just because their doing something you dont like.

what are you doing that i dont like? i dont give a fuck what your doing. your you im me. if i was you i would kill myself. sorry if im coming across like a fucked up individual but, im a jersey boy i say what i want to i want whenever i want.


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## wildboy860

yeah man... you ned to grow a set of balls or atleast try to lighten up, for most of us or atleast speaking for myself your sob story is a walk in the park. I don't think your gonna find the answers your looking for on this site either, sounds more like you need a therapist. if you really feel you'd be better off in the woods alone then read up on wilderness survival {many forums on here about it} and start practcing the stuff and get back to nature. I travel alone more than half the time and honestly I enjoy beingb y myself and once in a while I come across soem people who are worthy of me traveling with.


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## berserker

quit smoking weed dude


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## bfalk420

*I get it*



IAteTheKittens said:


> I totally get what everyones saying, I complain I shouldnt be wanting to smoke weed. No one will go on the road with me if I complain. The difference between me and everyone else though is the fact that you guys arnt doing all this completley alone are you. Im just one person, I hate that. So any change in my life that i make right now I'll be making it completely alone. What motivation will I have there? What fun is that? See what I'm saying?
> 
> If i'm the only one at the party it's not a party is it?


 Dude i dont want to sound like an asshole but you are very much a little bitch whiner and if all you have to worry about is that your mommy took your car and you cant find anybody to by weed from.....than man i hope you find your way out soon..............good luck sally....you can make all the excuses in the world but until you experiance life yourself without someone holding your hand I will feel sorry for you ................good luck little lady


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## mksnowboarder

*i guess your right*



IAteTheKittens said:


> I just cant decide, i have a need for a normal life but I guess ive always had to need to get away from everything this life is. Do you guys ever wonder what will happen when you stop traveling? One day your gonna have to find a job you can be homeless for the rest of your lives can you? So as i asked before...whats the point? Sure you meet people and you get to have crazy adventures but your not any more ahead in life than when you started out, no money in the bank. You eventually have to start over dont you? I want to learn everything I can about this way of life so i have questions.



This has to be the most depressing way of looking at the world that I've ever seen. You clearly measure your success in dollars, and I think you're the kind of person who would get more out of a book about someone having an adventure than actually having one.

You're 22? Shit, I was expecting a highschooler, and you're older than me? Jesus, man...

You very clearly need medication for your bipolar disorder in combination with therapy if you ever wanna feel better. I guess that I can force some sympathy just because of that. You can't help that your neurotransmitter levels are completely whacked out.

How long were you using benadryl? I figure that's gotta be terrible for the brain, long term. Why would you ever use that shit recreationally at those doses? I've done that before, and it results in terrifying psychotic break-type hallucinations.

mike


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## Beegod Santana

This kid seriously needs to get laid.


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## wartomods

if you dont know what to do, and you dont want big changes, go to you work, work, go to community college, and study, it will be more interesting.


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