# The Miss Adventures of Throw Away Girl (original story of Throw Away Girl)



## JackieBlue (Nov 27, 2011)

Every once in a while there is a girl born, who does not belong to anyone. Nor does anyone want to belong to her. She is alone, except for the use and disposal of others. She has no fairy godmother, her happy ending is accepting that this is her destiny. She was born to make a band aid for her parents' relationship. It didn't work. So they decided there was something simply "not enough" about her. She tried to be the best she could be, but it never seemed to "be". 

So Throw Away Girl began to grow up. She wished for her fairy godmother, but none ever came. She tried her best to seek approval; from friends, from family, from the community, but she never quite got to the top of the mountain. Every reach she made was just shy of the pinnacle. She began to try to overcompensate for her shortcomings.

Throw Away Girl truly believed if she did her best, that then, and only then, would she be told that she was wanted for herself, rather than what others wanted her for. The girls' mother was disappointed and angry, that she could not seem to succeed, her father just didn't care. Throw Away Girl learned that she must appease women, and try desperately to get the attention of men. 

The people of the community didn't really pay much attention to Throw Away Girl. She didn't have many friends, the friends she did have told her their problems, then slowly drifted away. The other kids laughed at her, because she just didn't fit in anywhere. Throw Away Girl learned to try to blend in, to keep a low profile. 

Throw Away Girl saw other families and friendships that flourished around her. She wondered; why is this not my life? She decided, that it was because she was not trying hard enough, to be the person she was supposed to be. She tried to share herself with others. She found that her friends came closer, but they seemed to be draining her energy. The friendships were more about what she gave them, than what she got. She began to discover that people would accept her, if she did what they wanted, even if it wasn't a good thing for her. 

Throw Away Girl got older, she found that sometimes, when she thought she had a friend, there was always a point at which she had served her purpose. The "friend" would then desert her. Just as her mother was angry and her father didn't care. Throw Away Girl began to believe that the reason she existed was for others' pleasure.

When Throw Away Girl went to high school, she had an opportunity to recreate herself. She moved back to her parent's home town, where her peers didn't know her. She hoped that this was her chance to finally be free to be of purpose other than other's happpiness. 

The father of Throw Away Girl not only didn't care, but he didn't know that she was born to stop his drinking, and that it hadn't worked. Her father began drinking heavily again, at the time Throw Away Girl gained her womanhood. It broke Throw Away Girl's spirit. She had failed again and again and again.

She wanted the love of her parents. They claimed to have it, and they probably did in their way, but she had still failed them, and they reminded her. She thought that maybe she could replace them with other people. Her parents began to try to keep Throw Away Girl from her friends. She struggled harder away from them. She wanted her own pleasure. She began to crave it. She learned that she had something that boys wanted.

She wanted to give it away; so that she could get on, with finding the person who would want to keep her. She found a boy who really wanted it. He pursued her. It made her feel so good. So special. She met him one night at a basket ball game. They looked for a place to go, so that they could be alone. They couldn't find a place, so they went out into the woods behind the high school. He laid his jacket down in the snow; and she gave it to him. 

They walked back into the school. He went into the bathroom. Throw Away Girl was a little shell shocked that she had given it, and that it was over. He came out of the bathroom. He showed her the inside of his coat. It was covered with blood. Lot's of blood. He taunted her. She was ashamed. She had failed again. He told everyone of her failure. She figured she deserved it, for having hope that she would ever please anyone enough. 

Boys started to pay attention to her. Throw Away Girl's breasts got larger and larger. She liked the attention. She decided that giving them, what they wanted, might fill the gaping hole of need within her, even if they didn't keep her, they still showed that they needed her for something.

When Throw Away Girl graduated from high school, she felt as though a weight had been lifted again. Another fresh start! She felt lucky and exhilarated. She met a gorgeous man. His smile shone straight through her heart. She fell in love with him, but she knew that she would never be enough for him. She met another boy. A sweet, fun, sensitive, kind, boy. She had a crush on him, he told her he didn't want it that way. She had expected it.

Several months later she told a friend about the shiny smile that had touched her heart. Throw Away Girl's heart leapt. He wanted her, he had for months Mr Shiny Smile loved her! This was it! She was so happy. Finally someone to love her. Who wanted to keep her forever. They talked about a house, marriage, children. 

She went away to college, he went back to college. They took a "break" to see how things would go when they were apart. She went to visit friends in Boston on weekends. They went to frat parties. Lot's of them. She drank punch, passed out. Ended up in a cab going to a house in the suburbs. She noticed her friend was with her, so she passed back out. When she woke back up, there was a man having sex with her. She just cried and cried. What she had once given freely was being taken from her. Something broke inside her. She called Mr. Shiny Smile. He came to her rescue.

One night, after about a year, he told her;" I think I like men." Throw Away Girl laughed, she thought he was joking. He wasn't. He told her he didn't want to break up. Told her he loved her. She wanted to believe him. So she did. She stayed. She tried to be the best for him. It wasn't enough. Eventually he left her. He took with him Throw Away Girl's feminine power. Not even her sexuality was enough anymore.

Throw Away Girl decided that she still had something to prove. The thing was "Self Worth." She began giving of her body. More and more. She became skilled, but none of them ever wanted to keep her. There was always someone prettier, or nicer, or skinnier than she was. She began to despise herself. She made it through another year, despite of it.

The next summer she came home feeling a little more free. She had transferred schools, and things looked like they might be evening out for Throw Away Girl. She had become close to Senor Fun and Sweet. They spent time together, had fun, drank together, went for rides. They went to a pit party one night. They both had to pee, so they went for a walk. They peed. They sat down, they lay down, they looked at the stars, and Senor Fun and Sweet, rocked her world. Maybe she was being given another chance! 

They went about their business. Not really talking about what had happened. They had not been safe AT ALL. They both knew. Knew that Throw Away Girl was pregnant. She was sick. She was scared. Senor Fun and Sweet panicked. People knew. People hated it. Hated her. She failed. Senor Fun and Sweet stopped talking to her. When he did talk to her, it was only to tell her that he would do what she wanted. All of the responsibility was hers. The failure was hers to own. She was scared, how could she bring a child to experience her failures. How could she be enough to her child, to Senor Fun and Sweet? She couldn't. She just couldn't.

He drove her to Portland. Gave her money. Dropped her off. She walked alone into the office. They asked her "Did anyone force you to come here?," she wanted to scream "YES YES. MY WORLD! MY LIFE FORCED ME HERE. MY FAILURES!." She didn't, because if she did, she would have failed on top of failure. She went into the office. It hurt all of her, her soul, her very inner most secrets, and pleasures were ripped from her womb. Not only was she broken, but she had now killed, and extension of herself, and her love of Senor Fun and Sweet.

She went home. She went back to school, the hollow shell of her old self. She decided that it was really her against the world. That no matter what she did or didn't do, it didn't make a damn bit of difference, because people would take what they wanted anyway. So she started taking what she could get. Whatever scraps were leftover. Those were her only pleasures. They still threw her way, but she was getting used to it. It didn't hurt so much for a little while. She started abusing her body, because it felt good. It felt good to physically feel the pain inside. It made it real, when noone else knew or understood.

She had an opportunity to move far away, to the land of love and opportunity. Throw Away Girl hopped a bus. She started a journal. She decided that she would begin to live her life purely. She fasted. She felt that she needed to repent her shortcomings. To lead a life of higher purpose. She cleansed, she enjoyed solitude, on a farm amongst the misty redwoods. She read, she gardened, she hiked, she ate root vegetables. She felt the best she had ever felt in her life. Grounded, centered, alive. 

She met a man who stared into her soul at first eye contact. She kept her sexuality from him, she preserved herself. Allowed him to touch her soul before he touched her body. They explored each others astral planes, when their bodies finally met, it was a spiritual, mental and physical joining. Soul Starer and Throw Away Girl went to sleep, breathing together, souls married in body and mind. Throw Away Girl went into dream state. A giant wall of water rose high and tall out of the sea. It swallowed her, and as it did Throw Away Girl woke, unable to breathe. She said "What if I'm pregnant?" Soul Starer said "It will be ok". Wrapped his body around Throw Away Girl, kissed her, loved her, entered her again, and they both fell back in sleep.

Several days later Throw Away Girl and Soul Starer go to the beach to sleep next to the wind, the sea, the earth, and the flame. Throw Away Girl wakes just before dawn. She says " Soul Starer, do you hear that? Do you hear the baby crying?" Soul Starer says "Yes, yes Throw Away Girl, I do." The settle back into each other and doze again. 

Another week goes by. They frolick, smile, laugh, love. They get in a car accident. Throw Away Girl's head is split open. They walk 12 miles to a hospital. They give her a pregnancy test before X-Ray. The doctor comes in, asks Soul Starer to leave for a minute. Throw Away Girl says, "He can stay. He's the father." The doctor looks at Throw Away Girl and says "So you know?" Soul Starer says "Yes"

Throw Away Girl is offered another opportunity at happiness. Nevertheless she will fail again. She leaves her farm, when her boss decides that he will try to sue her for his malfunctioning truck. The one that could have killed Throw Away girl's new family. Soul Starer and Throw Away Girl are now out on the streets. Her parents freak. She has failed them again. She won't ever do anything right, but she knows that her love for her new family is right. It is right in the deepest levels of her soul. Soul Starer and Throw Away Girl begin to get nervous about being on the streets. They begin mistrusting each other. Throw Away Girl learns ugly things about his past. Sad things, that were not his fault, but had turned a part of him to sourness. Sourness about family, and what it could be. They both wanted something different than what they had had. Soul Starers pain ran too deep. So deep that it was buried.

They were blessed with a baby boy. They adored him. Cherished him, but Throw Away Girl took care of them both. Soul Starer and Star Child were her responsibility now. They were her family. Her new family. Soul Starer drifted. He became angry and sullen. They fought. Their passion turned wrong side out. He hit her. Hit her again. And again. And again. He told her it was her fault. She believed him. She had failed again. Failed her "chosen" family.

A year passes. Throw Away Girl tries to make things right. She wants to make it work. It's her destiny. Soul Starer loves her. She has no doubt of him, but she is still not enough. He begins to be away more often. Grows more distant. throw Away clings by her fingernails to what is left of her "self." She begins to want another child. She tells Soul Starer, that they should plan their next baby. He says he doesn't know. She wants to start trying in another year. He buys her a bottle of wine for mother's day. They start that night, and it works. He's angry. She planned it. She's scared. Their home is a scary place. Soul Starer and Throw Away Girl are out on the streets again. Pregnant, with a toddler, living in a tent. Throw Away Girl panics. She must escape this failure. She decides to go home. He is to follow her when he finishes helping build a house.

She takes the train back east. He calls her ever few days for a while. Then she hasn't heard from him in a week. She expects him around her birthday. She doesn't get a call. He never comes. Her friends tell her he is still there, and tells them that she knows that he isn't coming. She didn't. She doesn't. She is broken and alone. Her parents hate her and who she has become. She has failed her children, her husband, herself.

He calls her in October. It will be the last time she hears his voice for many years, maybe ever. Soul Starer's second child will not know him for many years, if ever. Throw Away Girl is sad, crushed, empty, alone. She has once agian served her purpose and fullfilled her destiny. She retreats. Even those who were once dear to her heart, are now on the outside looking in. She knows that she must stand alone and deal with the cards she is dealt. The lesson is hers alone to learn. She is afraid to let anyone in, lest she lose even more of herself.

Throw Away Girl gets propostioned 3 years later by someone from "before." He still thinks of her body as ueseful. She doesn't love him, but it feels nice to be wanted again. He betrays her. She meets a few other men who will pay attention to her. They reject her, or replace her with something better, ignore her. She knows now, though, this is what her life is like. It's not new. It's the same, but she knows that she still wants, the happiness that is, being loved, being a "Keeper", not a Throw Away Girl. 

She meets someone. Someone with potential. She is cautious at first. She falls for him. He rejects her. She is not surprised. He comes back, she is flattered. He leaves again, he comes back. Every time he takes a little more of her with him. She is trying so hard. Trying to be her very best. To show him that she is worth it. He comes and goes as he pleases. Takes what he wants. Wants her to thank him for it. Congratulate him if he finds happiness when it isn't with her. She loses more and more by the moment, but she loves him. He knows her comfort, he knows her generosity, he knows her steadfastness, her loyalty, he knows her forgiveness. She knows: his vulnerabilities, his desires, his habits, his motivations, his fears. She is his Equal, and he hers, but he detests her for it. She is not beautiful enough to represent him, she is too fat, she is too needy, she is too broken. She reminds Equal Man of what he hates within himself, but he does not remember that her good qualities, are his too, if he chooses to recognize them. Neither see their true worth. He refuses to accept her. He wants something that will reflect only his strengths. Throw Away Girl knows that it is her failure. It's always her failure. She does not reflect enough good back on to him, to be loved by him. He loves her, and he hates her. What should she believe?

Throw Away Girl is at a turning point. One can only be crushed so many times, before they become a cripple. She is teetering on the borderline of being crippled, and living with hope in her heart. She has kept the faith. She has attempted to be her very best. She has failed. And now... a choice.


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## Earth (Nov 27, 2011)

"She is alone, except for the use and disposal of others*."

*That one line perfectly described my ex.... (if I correctly interpertated it to mean that Throw Away Girl use's and disposes of those she comes across for her own gain/advantage - as opposed to simply wanting to be friends on a human level)

Wish I had time to read all of this, but I don't.
Too many things to do outside on this yet another perfect day in New England

Do you have anything going on - say Wordpress??
Because that would be the perfect vehicle for this kind of writting...


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## JackieBlue (Nov 27, 2011)

your interpretation is exactly the opposite of what you are describing. meaning that others use and dispose of HER....not vice versa.  thanks for reading.


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## Ekstasis (Nov 28, 2011)

Throw away girl's story could be my own on so many levels... I was blown away by the similarities. 
I have lurked for a while but has to thank you for sharing Throw Away Girl's story. Great writing and descriptions.

I hope Throw Away Girl finds contentment and a Keeper that keeps her.


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## thisisme (Nov 28, 2011)

Ekstasis said:


> Throw away girl's story could be my own on so many levels... I was blown away by the similarities.
> I have lurked for a while but has to thank you for sharing Throw Away Girl's story. Great writing and descriptions.
> 
> I hope Throw Away Girl finds contentment and a Keeper that keeps her.


 
I agree this hits way too close to home. Very well done. its a shame so many females are made to feel this way in our society. it feels good to know im not alone however. Again really well written- bravo!


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## finn (Nov 28, 2011)

Soul Starer is an asshole.


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## BobbinGoblin (Nov 28, 2011)

Close to home and captivating to the end.


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## JackieBlue (Nov 28, 2011)

thanks so much to all of you. i am glad and saddened at the same time that others have similar experiences. it's nice to not feel alone, but you certainly don't want others to feel such pain. much love to you all for reading and for SURVIVING it, to become who you are today. i especially liked the the soul starer is an asshole comment. i got a giggle from that. this writing was part of the process of letting go and healing from that particular experience. <3


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## Dmac (Nov 29, 2011)

i feel for throw away girl. makes me wish i could have helped, somehow. i ,too, have been thrown away many times, after my usefulness was done.


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## TheLoneRat (Dec 27, 2011)

> Very well done. its a shame so many females are made to feel this way in our society. it feels good to know im not alone however. Again really well written- bravo!


 I've never understood why people can be such assholes. I can't say I've been in either situation, as I don't _use _people. However, at the same time, sometimes when relationships end there's a feeling of having been used, which really sucks. at one point I sorta felt used, but later realized it was a giant misunderstanding...dontcha love those? On another note, brilliant writing.


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## veraladd (Jan 3, 2012)

thanks for saying this outloud. Your story validated me on many points especially abortion.


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## JackieBlue (Jan 3, 2012)

thanks all of YOU! your comments validate all of my experiences.

as far as having the "feeling" of being used....well i can see your point, and sometimes it is a big misunderstanding. however i think it is human nature to use others. i also think it is all about how selfless or selfish the user or usee is.


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## Indi The 8 (Jul 30, 2015)

Thank you.


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