# From Ruins and Back Again



## EphemeralStick (Jul 22, 2015)

Ugh, I've been meaning to type this out for awhile now but I've been so jaded about my whole situation that it just feels like a chore. At any rate here I go.

As some of you know, I was spending a whole lot of time in LA these past few months. I was living on my boyfriend and his best friend's school bus. It was an awesome time for a while, that is until it all started to fall to shit. My boy and I started fighting a lot, well, more than a lot. Then in May my grandmother passed. It was very abrupt and I had to fly out to Texas for the funeral. Upon my return I was hit with some unpleasant news. The guys talked it over and decided that I was no longer welcome to stay on the bus. The reason being that our relationship was getting in the way of my boyfriend's ambitions to be a musician. It was decided that it would be best for our relationship if I didn't stay with them. That is to say it was decided without any of input from me. 

So, I took it in stride and left. I packed my bag and headed north to Oregon to visit my best friend who moved there. She welcomed me in with open arms. After about a week of smoking weed and playing video games I decided to head off again to visit Seattle for the pride parade. All the while things between me and the boyfriend were strained. We didn't break up, opting instead to try our hand at a long distance relationship. That didn't go so well since he put minimal effort into keeping in contact. While hanging with some friends he and I got into a massive fight about it over the phone which ended in him saying he would try harder. 

So I started to get depressed. This was the second time this year that other people decided for me that I could no longer live in the place where I was. My best friend decided to try and cheer me up. She was heading back to Chicagoland to visit family and friends and decided to invite me along. I decided to go for it, after all, seeing all my old friends and my family would be fun and could probably get my out of my funk. She also promised to drive me back out west, which was awesome since the last thing I wanted was to get stuck in Chicago all over again. 

So we got here around the beginning of the month. She went off to spend time with her family and I went off to spend time with mine. While I was enjoying good company I got a call from the boyfriend. The news was anything but good. He decided to break up with me. His reasoning was that he needs to work on himself and isn't in a place for relationship, take that as you will. He told me that I'd be better off staying in Chicago. Obviously I was upset. Incredibly upset. I texted my best friend about and she called him an asshole and assured me that everything would be okay. 

No, everything would not be okay. Two days later I get text from her saying that she wants space and has decided to leave me in Chicago. Bombshell right? You think you know a person and.... well I guess you never do.

So here I am, back to square one and miserably depressed. Coming back here was a terrible idea, I should have known better but I guess I just wanted so much to stop feeling so shitty about myself but that just got me into further hot water. Now everyone, family and friends alike, are telling me that I should stay here and get a job and work to save up to leave. The idea of that just sends me spiraling into further depression. I hate this city and everything about it. I hate that everyone here just wants me to stay without giving any thought to how I feel about it. 

I know I have to leave soon otherwise I'll just end up getting sucked into the vortex of hell that is this forsaken city. I know that I can leave, it's just hard when all the people I care about want me to stay, especially when I'm this depressed. Even if I were to hit the road I'm kind of not wanting to just aimlessly wander anymore. I feel like I need some sort direction in my life to keep me from going crazy, I just don't know what that is. 

I was thinking of just getting a cheap bicycle and just riding off into the sunset, but I'm not sure if I have what it takes. Ever since this whole boyfriend/best friend ordeal I've just been finding myself lacking in the confidence department. It feels pretty pathetic to be whining about it on here but I feel like you all are the ones who will really understand. Not really looking for sympathy or pity or anything. I think I just needed to get all of this off my chest.


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## Tude (Jul 22, 2015)

awww @EphemeralStick - that took a lot of heart to write - and very sorry to hear of all the disruption and heartache and shit shot at you. heh - been there as well as many of us. You can only go up from here.

When my ex husband and I broke up (for the first time- yeah I was the idiot who went back for oh 4-5 times of trying to get back together) - I was the nut who lost a lot of weight and walked my little dogs legs off walking her for a long time every night while I listened to music and bitched. I fouled mouthed all around the neighborhood. Probably cried too. Didn't care. Kinda felt better afterwards. Till I learned to say No. No you stupid person, you lost out on a good person - Me! 

Feel better sir. We're all here for ya. On another note - I'm really trying to plan on the slabs for the jamboree - would be fun to meet you!!


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## Durp (Jul 22, 2015)

Bummer buddy. Hopefully things shake themselves out and you figure where you are headed in life sooner then later. Best of luck, sounds like its time to start pulling on those boots straps.


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## iamwhatiam (Jul 22, 2015)

ugh..i'm sorry to hear about your troubles. I know how hard and shitty a breakup can be. I had a nasty breakup after fighting with my ex all the time, and it took me awhile to get over him...but like you, I still feel like I have some confidence issues to be honest. I think I like being single more, although I do miss having someone to cuddle/mess around with at times.
I'm not good at giving advice, but I really do hope things get better for you and you find your path. Just remember you have people that love you and many crazy adventures to be had and new friends to be made, waiting for you out there. Hang in there!


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## Andrea Van Scoyoc (Jul 22, 2015)

Good luck. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.

Stop and rest if you must, but always make sure the direction you're moving, is forward.

Peace...


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## Matt Derrick (Jul 22, 2015)

forgive me if i'm totally off the mark saying this, but maybe you should take a closer look at some of your friends and relationships. sometimes it's helpful to re-evaluate the people you're surrounding yourself with.

that aside, i really think you should come out to the StP gathering. I promise i'm not shamelessly self-promoting here. i honestly think that in your situation you could really do with a bit of a mental reboot. it's a good place (slab city) to get away from everything and surround yourself with some good people and just kind of forget about the world for a while until you get your bearings again.

i know what it's like to be aimless, and it just doesn't really fit my personality, i need a mission of sorts to keep me going. so maybe coming out will help give you some ideas or maybe meet some folks you can tag along with to the next leg of your journey.

of course that doesn't solve the more immediate problem of what to do until then (the gathering isn't until oct 1st), but still, something to think about.


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## Kim Chee (Jul 22, 2015)

From ruins and back again:





Still your move.


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## EphemeralStick (Jul 22, 2015)

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the kind words.

Man, rereading this I sound so freaking whiny. I'm trying my best to stay positive but it's a constant battle. Chicago is a city that has too much history for me to be at ease here thus it's only exacerbating my already shit mood. 



Matt Derrick said:


> forgive me if i'm totally off the mark saying this, but maybe you should take a closer look at some of your friends and relationships. sometimes it's helpful to re-evaluate the people you're surrounding yourself with.



No, no. You pretty much nailed it. I think going to the jamboree is just what I need to get my head back on straight. I've always been kind of a loner and the friends that I do have don't exactly understand me very well. Most of them say they do but when it comes down to it they all think I'm some sort of delinquent or layabout. 

Time for a reset.


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## Tude (Jul 22, 2015)

Dude - never whiny. I re-evaluated myself after my after melt down from ex husband and ... not melt down. (well kind of) but it was a rebuilding. Phoenix. Fuck. Took a little bit, but I am me - and I will always be me. And strong. Cannot wait to meet you


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## Mankini (Jul 23, 2015)

Go somewhere cool and make a little spending cash between now and the slabz get-together! No use staying somewhere you hate!


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## Odin (Jul 23, 2015)

Everyone has to let off some steam sometimes.
I dunno. People make less and less sense to me as I get older.
Relationships particularly are a cosmic mystery.
Maybe I'm just jaded myself but everyone is so full of ego and I don't get why people can't just be happy.

Personally, I am happy being single.
And unless a miracle happens I think I will keep it like that.
I have enough personal development to work on anyway.
If anything... getting a dog when I hit the road will be my idea of a perfect companion 


I think Matt's right about heading out to slab city.
I get ya on Chicago. Living here seems to degrade ones soul. ha
Voodoo has a good outlook on it as well.
Good luck and keep positive.


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## that one guy (Jul 23, 2015)

Dude I dont want you to stay in chi town, cause soon itt'le snow there and you'll have to stay.
My phone will be off soon, but I got a loaner form my boss, I'll text ya from it if you wanna talk I'll stay up a little later tonight.
Sending mad pirate love your way bro.


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## Tude (Jul 23, 2015)

ya got my pm


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## wizehop (Jul 23, 2015)

Maybe its time to go somewhere completely new, like a whole new lease on life, a complete 180. There is a parable that goes something like: in order for a seed to become a flower, it must die first. As in it must cease being a seed.
Maybe its time to change. Disappear to a country you've never been, where you don't know a soul. Get involved in a new scene you've never been part of. It will in the least give you a break from your shitty run. I find negativity is like inflation, it just keeps building on itself. You need to put a kink in its path.


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## EphemeralStick (Aug 5, 2015)

And now he's already seeing someone else. Fuck my life, fuck it straight to hell.


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## Deleted member 2626 (Aug 5, 2015)

ahhhh mannn. bummer. People will suck the soul from any human. I feel the same way. I was uppidity for awhile and met a gal and it went south and it sent me into a terrible dark hole of inebriation and sorrow. Got alone for a bit with my dog and felt great. still positive even back working for my dad to acquire more funds. Peace man. If you get a bike and gear you know that's all you need, as I know you've done it before. I am beginning to really really understand not all humans are meant to be surrounded by people. maybe signs say for you the same.


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## EphemeralStick (Aug 5, 2015)

Maybe, it just feels so shitty that i could love someone so much who is already done with me. What's even worse is he keeps telling me how much he loves me and is worrying about how im dealing. It's like a shit fuck of emotion. He says he loves and worries about me, he wants me in his life; just doesn't want to be with me

Edit: oh and it's a girl which further fucks with my head. Siiiiigh


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