# Paranoid and not good enough



## The Hiker (Jan 12, 2019)

So I fucked up and got the pigs on me and some other people. It turned out ok for us but not in my brain.

If I had paid more attention I would've known they were there. If I had thought about what I was doing we would've gotten away.

If I had been better I could've protected my friends but im not good enough to keep them safe.

Now I can't go outside without feeling like they're always watching me. There's cameras on most every car, in every phone, most buildings every single person in the world will snitch over absolutely nothing.

Every time I do something meaningful or just try to be my fucking self, some dumb piece of shit thinks I'm insane or a terrorist or tweaked out and calls the law, and I can't ever act myself and theres nowhere to hide and theres no privacy because i "look suspicious"

I dont look suspicious I look like a fucking filthy animal to people and they all want me gone or "reformed"

everyone in the world wants me either gone or to be normal, what the fuck do i do about it?


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## roughdraft (Jan 12, 2019)

you can get through this 

you're gonna want to be more specific about what's happening to get better feedback though


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## Jackthereaper (Jan 12, 2019)

Any time you get hemmed up you are going to go through it a million times in your head. The thing to do is make a few rules to follow that would have helped you out in that situation and then follow them.


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## Zaphod (Jan 12, 2019)

Dude it sucks that the cops busted you guys but shit happens sometimes. Every single one of us has had run ins with them. I mean, caution is necessary but sometimes you can't help it or they win that round. Try to learn from it and not beat yourself up too much. 

As to the powers that be oppressing you and making you feel you can't express yourself or so anything meaningful: that's what they want you to believe! The state would have you believe that they are too big to fight, that they are God. They aren't. I'll leave you with this,


> You must always have a secret plan. Everything depends on this: it is the only question. So as not to be conquered by the conquered territory in which to lead your life, so as not to feel the horrible weight of inertia wrecking your will and bending you to the ground, so as not to spend a single night more wondering what there is to do or how to connect with your neighbors and countrymen, you must make secret plans without respite. Plan for adventure, plan for pleasure, plan for pandemonium, as you wish; but plan, lay plans constantly.
> 
> And when you come to, on the steps of the presidential palace, in the green grass beside the highway, in your cell's gloomy solitude, your secret plan finished or foiled, ask your comrades, ask your cellmates, ask the wind, the waves, the stars, the waves, ask everything that ponders, everything that wanders, everything that songs, everything that stings - ask them what time it is; and your comrades, the wind, the waves, the stars, the sea all will answer: "It is time for a new secret plan. So as not to be the martyred slave of routine, plan adventure, plan pleasure, plan pandemonium, as you wish; but plan, plan secretly and without respite"


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## The Hiker (Jan 12, 2019)

Thanks for the responses and support, I was feelin pretty wingnuttish when I wrote all that but I'm more calm about it all now, thanks


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## Deleted member 20683 (Jan 12, 2019)

Paranoia and self-directed anger are not uncommon in response to traumatic experiences...I have lots. It’s kind of an evolutionary response to force us to learn from our mistakes (“once burned twice shy”). And it’s true that there are cameras cops and bootlickers everywhere, and the traveling lifestyle frequently involves a lot of vulnerability, crossing legal lines or generally freaking out the squares. I think some of the most encouraging things to remember are that most people are kind of lazy, unperceptive and not really interested in you. The handful who are actively threatening are a real problem but at least you shouldn’t blame yourself for their shittyness, only hold yourself responsible for taking precautions. 

There’s a saying I’m fond of,”trust allah but tie up your camel”- I.e. stay posi but also don’t be sloppy.


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## Coywolf (Jan 12, 2019)

@feral wanderer you are going to have to be more specific. You dont have to give specifics about who, or where, but it would help if you let us know what happened. 

Also, I'm a nosey fucker that likes to give feedback, haha


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## Coywolf (Jan 12, 2019)

Btw, if you are houseless, have a large pack, or seem to not to have the same resources as most of the population, you are always going to seem suspicious, IMHO

All you can do is learn, and change your game plan to accomadate to your situation.

I am ALWAYS paranoid. I am always cautious. And I always know the law is watching me. Premeditating your actions will always work in your favor. Get used to it, because this lifestyle is always a gamble.


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## BusGypsy (Jan 13, 2019)

feral wanderer said:


> So I fucked up and got the pigs on me and some other people. It turned out ok for us but not in my brain.
> 
> If I had paid more attention I would've known they were there. If I had thought about what I was doing we would've gotten away.
> 
> ...



What were you doing that got you into trouble in the first place? Unless you did something REALLY bad, they're not "always" watching you. You sound pretty paranoid. yes there's surveillance everywhere.
And just playing Devil's advocate here... well, do you "look" nuts or tweaked out? if you do, then people will react...
If you're not hurting anyone you shouldn't have to worry. If you don't look suspicious then you don't look suspicious. But if people are treating you like you look suspicious, you might look suspicious to them. Get it?
And yes, businesses will be hesitant to deal with you if you look whacked out. People are risk adverse and rightfully so. Nobody wants trouble.
Take care, be safe, remember everyone is acting from their own perspective.


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## saul (Jan 14, 2019)

I think you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.


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## The Hiker (Jan 14, 2019)

saul sevilla said:


> I think you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.


Thanks, I was kinda freakin out when I wrote that but that's true, I'm working on beating up on myself less while still learning from my mistakes


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