# "friends with benefits"



## JannethintheWind

at what point has it gone too far?
how long is too long?

been over 18mos. been sleeping with the same guy. Great person fun to be around...was..anyways....lately been getting bored but too comfortable to walk away.
Was fun but rules have been made serious things have been said. Definitely dont want 'more'.
Im a positive spirit and really feel his energy, but lately shits been leaving me unfulfilled hahah 

please no sexual advances...like this will ward them off HAHAHA


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## Kim Chee

Ahhh, the hazards of having sex without being in love. I'm not sure if your questions were rhetorical to just stimulate conversation on the subject 
(I'm hoping that they are). I've had friends with benefits relationships in the past. Like any other relationship I think it works best if participating parties have
some kind of a mutual understanding which doesn't give anybody an unfair advantage. I think these kinds of relationships can and often do work. Some of
them end up producing children, marriages, etc. My favorite friends with benefits situation is with former loves who I couldn't stand to be around after the
sex was finished. We already know each other, like each other (at least a little), and feel its better to just get it on with a familiar partner.


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## JannethintheWind

Yea. I feel that, always more fun when your already aquainted :d.


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## dolittle

My last X & I are now friends with benefits. I get more of the friend stuff than I really want. Haven't seen the benefit, yet. I suppose having a steady would be nice. I'v never stuck around long enough to find out. Afraid I'm just not the domestic type. Wish U luck.


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## Avering

I don't think friends with benefits is bad, if you're asking for advice on ur situation i think u should just hang on til you just feel completely bored/tired of it, just like anything else in life


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## JannethintheWind

wasn't lookng so much for help just curious of others opinions/experiences. questions were more for rhetoric. in my ow situation I've never really questioned it too much things have just kinda naturally continued...im definitely not the domestic type...atleast not trying to be at this point in my life...which is why having a cool person yyou connect with that is also good in bed is definitely a plus!


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## JannethintheWind

dolittle said:


> My last X & I are now friends with benefits. I get more of the friend stuff than I really want. Haven't seen the benefit, yet. I suppose having a steady would be nice. I'v never stuck around long enough to find out. Afraid I'm just not the domestic type. Wish U luck.


I wish you luch my friend...if you dont see the benefit....?


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## wildboy860

read the book, 'the ethical slut'


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## SickOfDodge

friends with benefits pirate-smiley-03.


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## dolittle

Ok, so I've thought it over. Just friends. Other than a bit of background noise now & then... no benefit.


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## Shakou

I went through a phase of having "friends with benefits" a few years back after a 5 year relationship of mine came to an end. I had been through a living hell towards the end of that relationship and did NOT want a new boyfriend at that point in time as I was trying to rebuild myself and my life. How ever, I \was finding the lack of sex after a few months was making me really vulnerable to throwing myself into BAD situations I normally would of had common sense enough to stay away from. Basically, my horniness from lack of sex was clouding my judgement. Once I pin pointed what the problem was, I decided that having a few sexual friendships with nice guys who I found to be charming but not my type for a long term committed relationship was just what I needed. I made sure this was only done with guys who completely understood my situation, who I trusted, who were supportive of me and cared a lot, but only wanted a friendship with a little sexy time on the side. This helped me TREMENDOUSLY because it kept my sex drive controlled and I was able to focus on improving myself and my life rather then trying to find a relationship that was destined for heart break. And of course it also boosted my self esteem back up, and of course they were always there to give me advice when it came to a males perspective.

And because it was really just friendships, it was easy for both parties to stop all sexual contact after I met my husband and got into a committed long term relationship again that eventually lead to marriage. These guys were really happy for me, knowing what a HORRIBLE time I had gone through with my last relationship and break up, and are still my friends to this very day.

Over all it was a positive experience. However not ALL guys are as cool as the dudes I was with. If you choose to have a FWB, make SURE it's with someone that's totally on the same page as you, someone you trust, and someone who has the best interests of BOTH of you in mind. And make sure YOU have the best interests of you both in mind as well. And obviously use protection.


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## JannethintheWind

Thank you for sharing your story. Pearls of wisdom haha. All very true. That's why ensuring someone is really your friends is what it's about. Communication. Having a mutual understanding is what makes it what its is and if that's not there....just looking for trouble. Guess the goal is to just keep things light and not let it become something it's not. Easy thing when to many emotions get involved and you lose sight of what the true nature of your relationship is. Like you said because they are real relationships and not this garbage portrayal of casual sex which as you stated is bad news...


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## Hillbilly Castro

wildboy860 said:


> read the book, 'the ethical slut'


This. This book changed my outlook on relationships COMPLETELY. Monogamy is oppression, who's only preservative is the carcass of a deceased Christianity.


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## Shakou

Buffalo said:


> Monogamy is oppression


 
I wouldn't quite say that, dude. My time with casual sex was fun, but I'm WAY WAY happier being in a committed monogamous relationship with my husband then I ever was sleeping with numerous guys. There's nothing oppressive about it.


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## Hillbilly Castro

Well, I'd say that it's fluid. You're happy with your current relationship and its parameters now, and that's awesome. But we're only human, and we're bound to change like any other being within nature. Socially, marriage is a contract that you and your partner will stay faithful to one another for the rest of your lives; but who's to know how you'll both feel in ten, twenty years. Once a relationship like the one your in comes to pass, propping it up under the flag of monogamy is a sure way to doom both of you to sexual and romantic stagnation. In that respect, monogamy can be oppressive. 
Also, by your phrasing you seem to be implying that it is one or the other; casual sex or monogamy. There is a great deal in between, and it seems to be a realm not as frequently explored as the others. Right now, polyamory works well for me. I'm of the persuasion that our individual needs on a platonic, romantic, and sexual level are way too diverse to be met by a single person. That's why I have several partners, of either gender, each fulfilling my needs, while I work to meet theirs. We're a tribe, scratching each others backs in new, deeply fulfilling spiritual ways. It's beautiful.


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## SickOfDodge

M.O.B


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## SickOfDodge

haha yeahh jannethininthewind


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## fateoficarus

Shakou said:


> I wouldn't quite say that, dude. My time with casual sex was fun, but I'm WAY WAY happier being in a committed monogamous relationship with my husband then I ever was sleeping with numerous guys. There's nothing oppressive about it.


 
I've gotta agree with buffalo. Being polyamorous doesn't entail just having casual sex for fun. I'm all for having meaningful fulfilling relationships, but keep in mind there's nothing that prevents someone from having that with multiple people.


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## fateoficarus

My advice would be to not focus too much on trying to define the nature of the relationship itself e.g. is it "serious" or "not serious" or whatever the hell. Those aren't the important kinds of things to figure out. What is important is to figure out what the relationship means to you, how it makes you feel, and how it could improve and then to communicate with each other as much as possible about what you both figure out. 

I highly recommend reading some literature on poly lifestyles. The zine "Infinite Relationships" is more or less my personal manifesto regarding relationships


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## JannethintheWind

i think this thread got misconstrued along the way. i wasnt looking for advice just a conversation. haha. i feel secure in what i have do not questionit. dont question much. dont sweat shit.....not enough hours in the day...but i appreciate all the literature reccomendations from everyone....and in my given situation multiple sex partners not my thing for health reasons.


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## Shakou

Buffalo said:


> Well, I'd say that it's fluid. You're happy with your current relationship and its parameters now, and that's awesome. But we're only human, and we're bound to change like any other being within nature. Socially, marriage is a contract that you and your partner will stay faithful to one another for the rest of your lives; but who's to know how you'll both feel in ten, twenty years. Once a relationship like the one your in comes to pass, propping it up under the flag of monogamy is a sure way to doom both of you to sexual and romantic stagnation. In that respect, monogamy can be oppressive.
> Also, by your phrasing you seem to be implying that it is one or the other; casual sex or monogamy. There is a great deal in between, and it seems to be a realm not as frequently explored as the others. Right now, polyamory works well for me. I'm of the persuasion that our individual needs on a platonic, romantic, and sexual level are way too diverse to be met by a single person. That's why I have several partners, of either gender, each fulfilling my needs, while I work to meet theirs. We're a tribe, scratching each others backs in new, deeply fulfilling spiritual ways. It's beautiful.


 
lol, dude I can assure you that if for some reason my marriage comes to an end in 10 - 20 years, it won't be because I have the sudden urge to go out and fuck a bunch of guys. There's nothing wrong with Polyamory, but different things work for different people, and what works for you doesn't necessarily work with everyone else.


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## jenniferelettrico

Everything happens for a reason, so go with your gut. I have a friend that I have "benefits" with, and it's good to just share the time you have now with someone else, and just let go. At first, I was uncertain if this is what I wanted...because I was scared feelings would get involved, and one of us would get hurt. But we talked about it, and still do from time to time, and we've decided to just let things happen.


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## outskirts

"Friends with benefits" seems to sum up most of my relationships. I did the monogamous thing once, for a whole year and a half.
Friends with benefits is more comfortable than one
night stands but far more freedom than a monogamous relationship. It just seems to work for me and most of the women
that I've been involved with, they recognize that I'm not Mr. Right, I'm just Mr. Right Now, lol.
One night stands(or in my case they often end up two night stands) can be frustrating when the sex is really good and you
only get a second night with that person and want sex with them again. I probably shouldn't complain, the fact that they
come back and get one more time for the road... I must be doing something right 
Sometimes the sex is bad though and you're glad it was just a fling and you're not stuck with that person.
My experience with monogamy was a nightmare and I no longer have any contact with that woman and plan to keep it that
way. Emotional incompatibility was the main problem, I just couldn't handle her jealousies and insecurities. That and I don't
like having a warden, I like making my own choices and not having to check in with someone all the time.
I recently had a debate with a female friend(who I'm not involved with) about monogamy vs non-monogamy.
It got interesting when we brought up STD's. She said statistically monogamy is safer, I challenged that with the fact that
ones guard is down in a monogamous situation. If your having unprotected sex in a monogamous relationship and your
partner cheats on you and didn't use a condom... hey you never saw it coming. But if one is in a non-monogamous situation
and smart about it, you're always on guard for such things. Like myself for instance, I use condoms and sometimes get
STD tests(also encourage others to get tested too). Plus I've had a vasectomy since accidents do happen and I don't want to add
to the world's over population problem. Sexually it can be a dangerous world out there, but
I do my best to take precautions.
Sometimes "friends with benefits" can get tricky when one person starts catching stronger feelings than the other person.
I think the trick to making it work is to make sure the person is on the same level with you emotionally. It sure helps
if you both have a healthy sense of freedom and need for personal space. Lack of jealousy is also important.
I guess in the end it's really comes down to communication, what exactly you both require and need from one another.
I've heard of and been in quite a few different situations with this thing called "friends with benefits". It's a lot of grey area
between monogamy, poly-senarios and random hook ups. It's what you make of it I guess.


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## Az Tek

> Sometimes "friends with benefits" can get tricky when one person starts catching stronger feelings than the other person.
> I think the trick to making it work is to make sure the person is on the same level with you emotionally. It sure helps
> if you both have a healthy sense of freedom and need for personal space. Lack of jealousy is also important.


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