# Having a family member who is mentally ill...



## eske silver

... is really fucking hard.

I wrote a story about my mother and her illness, 
and how it affected me and my family.
It's a couple minutes of a read, 
but if you have time and don't mind some feels...

http://imgur.com/gallery/zOZqh

Thanks all,


----------



## Tude

I was drawn to here from people's stories and yours is blessed. Thank you for sharing ... hard yet lovely - you overcame and thank you again.


----------



## eske silver

Thanks. I wanted to share this story with my two favorite communities, and 
I've gotten the most amazing responses, that all really made my year so far.
Thanks, Tude.


----------



## autumn

That's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry that you, your father, and your mother had to go through that. I'm also sure that your communication with her makes a huge difference in her ability to stay grounded with reality. Schizophrenia is poorly understood at best and not everyone responds to antipsychotics. Best wishes to you and your family. And the work your RV needs


----------



## Odin

I've had a difficult relationship with both my parents. 
I don' t know if my mother suffers from a particular condition she is not the type to discuss these things or let anyone tell her to seek a doctor or help. Keeping your distance seems to be the family motto. And I know my fathers opinion of mom is just "crazy". But he's a friggin prick lol and they split up ages ago... He never stuck around to help or really participate just set up another life for himself.

Yea... I'm not to mature myself. But parents definitely shape and set a course for your life. Even when you do the best to chart a different course... sometimes the rough waves of the past still rock the boat.

Well I'd like to say your writing is compassionate and contemplative. 
And your writing reflects character. I wish you luck and happiness in the future.
Thank you for sharing.


----------



## eske silver

Odin said:


> I've had a difficult relationship with both my parents.
> I don' t know if my mother suffers from a particular condition she is not the type to discuss these things or let anyone tell her to seek a doctor or help. Keeping your distance seems to be the family motto. And I know my fathers opinion of mom is just "crazy". But he's a friggin prick lol and they split up ages ago... He never stuck around to help or really participate just set up another life for himself.



It's really hard when you have no clue what's wrong, or how to fix it. I'm sorry to hear that you're stuck in that boat. Sometimes, the easiest thing to do really is to just step away and focus on saving your own sanity.
It's sad but I've found it to be true.
But it can be really shitty - and unhealthy, to just label someone as "crazy" and maintain a cynical, dismissive attitude toward someone's issues.
Especially if it's affecting yer damn kids!

The story was about my mother, so I left out the details of my relationship with my dad. To be completely honest, no one should have let that man raise a child. My aunt and I are convinced he must have some form of auspergers or is just emotionally stunted at age 11. We fought - _a lot_. 
If it wasn't for my aunt and her willingness to put up with both of calling her after every single argument and fight (and take me in for hundred of weekends over my life), we probably would have strangled each other at some point in my early teens, lol.
He's not a bad guy, he just grew up with a mother who also developed schizophrenia, but with a dad who just sat in front of the tv and did nothing to help.
Eventually, after years of trying to talk back and argue reasonably with him, I finally just had to step aside, and focus on my own sanity. I've broken up with dad a number of times now, lol.



Odin said:


> Well I'd like to say your writing is compassionate and contemplative.
> And your writing reflects character. I wish you luck and happiness in the future.
> Thank you for sharing.



Thank you, and thank you for reading the whole thing!


----------



## eske silver

zim said:


> Schizophrenia is poorly understood at best and not everyone responds to antipsychotics.



It really is. It's kind of ridiculous, actually. The term is really just a lump name for a bunch of random, intense symptoms. That's why I put in quotes in the story. I dislike the term "schizophrenia", only a bit more than the word "homeless". It's so dismissive and people seem just fine with leaving it at that.

Thank you for the kind words, and yes, my damned RV needs all the luck, lol. Best to you


----------



## Kim Chee

I hope you don't let your fears keep you from doing what you will. It sounds like your Dad did a terrific job!


----------



## GinGin

Thank you for sharing such a personal and deeply emotional account with us, you definitly have a way with words that you should continue writing with. I'm sorry you're childhood was really rough, but I'm glad you have a better understanding and outlook on your situation than most people who are in your shoes do. This really gave me insight into the life of one of my best friends who went through the same thing with his mom. He really struggles with it an actually has "schizophrenia" as well, alway fluxtuating between institutions an living at home with his dad trying to cope with his symptoms. I' m definitly gonna have him read this as I think it'll help him feel less isolated in regards to his situation. Thank you again an continue thriving in spite of a hard upbringing dealing with such a heavy issue, if more people were honest an brave enough like you to share such a story I beleuve our world would be aless scarier and better place for those who do suffer from and with situations like this. Hope all is well and keep on truckin!


----------



## MishMish

Thank you for the share, it takes a lot of courage. And keep up the writing.


----------



## eske silver

Thank you, GinGin, for not only reading it, but taking the time to write an awesome response. I really do hope your friend is able to find a way to cope with his illness


----------



## GinGin

Dont mention it, it's the least I can do And thank you, I really hope so too.


eske karl said:


> Thank you, GinGin, for not only reading it, but taking the time to write an awesome response. I really do hope your friend is able to find a way to cope with his illness


----------



## Rover

Hey eske karl, I find myself in a similar boat. I agree, it's hard...

My mother fights everything, her treatment, her family, herself... tooth and nail. The "icing on the cake" is that she is a trained psych-nurse, so she knows all the tricks. Thankfully she has been relatively stable over the last few years, but It was really bad for a while.

Your story was really well done, thank you for sharing. It sounds like you have been able to make it this far with your own sanity intact.

This video helps me when I need it. It's about a woman that managed to navigate her mental illness really well.


----------



## eske silver

> "The "icing on the cake" is that she is a trained psych-nurse, so she knows all the tricks.


It's definitely a strange, ironic, ridiculous life when you are educated in the field of psychology and you're legally 'crazy'. 
Being a psych major and having all of the mental issues I do, can certainly be an odd thing to wrap my head around sometimes. 
But yea, it does seem to help, when you can truly understand exactly what is going is going on inside your head.

An yea, that's a rad video. I watch TED talks all the time. They're amazing! 
Thanks for the reply, Fish. Sounds like you've learned to deal with PMI pretty ok, too. There are always up days and down days (in multiple senses of the words) but I try to look at it with light and humor. 
For instance, at least life isn't boring!! lol


----------



## Rover

Variety is the spice of life, but insanity is the Sriracha sauce of life.


----------



## eske silver

Exactly


----------



## Odin

eske karl said:


> But yea, it does seem to help, when you can truly understand exactly what is going is going on inside your head.



The best movie on that I have always believed, is, "A beautiful mind".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Beautiful_Mind_(film)

It's the story of the noble laureate John Nash and his expierience with Paranoid Schizophrenia. 
I remember the folks I watched it with thinking the movie was "stupid".... sigh >.> 
I understood it as amazing.
As you are saying eske... I believe Nash truly understood what exactly is going on inside his head... at least as much as any of us can. 

 Peace.


----------



## Rover

Odin said:


> I remember the folks I watched it with thinking the movie was "stupid".... sigh >.>


mi, sounds like they were just in the wrong headspace for the movie. Unfortunately mental illness is a complicated issue, and a lot of people can't wrap their heads around it. They just kind of take reality for granted.


----------



## eske silver

It's pretty terrifying, though easily understandable.
When you witness or experience a volatile, lost mind... 
Part of you realizes that you're basically seeing a version of life that could just as easily be yourself? 
I've always thought that's why people discard, lock up, and abandon their mentally ill family members and friends...
and why people ignore the homeless and invalid.
and why we think old people are gross, smelly, creepy, etc.
It's all just our immature societally-grown and nurtured coping mechanism.
[Hide, shun, discard, ridicule, hate, hurt] whatever it is we fear in other people or their situation.
Humans can be bastards about it.
But for that same reason, there's so much respect in working to help and alongside people like that.


----------



## Rover

Oh trust me I know that it can be terrifying to witness that kind of stuff.
Yes, internalization, poor coping mechanisms, and a lack of compassion definitely have a role to play in how most people react to, well, the less fortunate in general. But an other thing, and the simplest way to put this is that, some mentally ill folks just burn all their bridges. I am mainly referring to my mother here, but I'm pretty sure that it could be stated more broadly. It's just the illness, and it can take an inhuman amount of patience, and understanding to handle well. The sad part this that in moments of lucidity, the mentally ill don't understand why some family members have shunned them. Or still even continue to blame those family members for the friction. It sucks.
From what I've seen, Some mental health professionals frankly suck at their jobs, and lack compassion, ultimately doing more harm than good. But, people that are truly cut out for the work are definitely respectable.


----------



## eske silver

Fish Soup said:


> ... some mentally ill folks just burn all their bridges.


So fucking true. And likewise, many mentally ill people - and homeless people - make it really difficult and scary for other people to interact with them, let alone help. Like the saying, "the worst are always the loudest".
There are a ton of worthless social workers and mental health professionals, and I'd bet that a number of them didn't start out that way. But that's a whole other thing of it's own.
I think it's definitely rare to find someone who can remain patient and kind in the face of true mental illness. Even I'm no saint when it comes to that. 
Although I actually think I've had it pretty easy (my mother never lashed out on me or was violent toward me in any way) I have a hard time not letting it get to me in a way that affects our relationship. The last time I saw her, a few months ago, she was in right mood before the visit, and it ended with her cussing at me, going off about nonsensical things, and walking away from me. I did not handle it well - I wasn't prepared for it, and it came out of nowhere. I just went home, and despite her apology over the phone, I still can't bring myself to visit her again yet.
I've met some really amazing social workers, but I haven't had much luck with those who work/ed with my mother. Most of her social workers, at one point or another, guilt trip me about the infrequency of our visits. It's so manipulative and ridiculous. 
I may not see her more than twice or three times a year (because it's really emotionally trying and upsetting) but I've never been rude, too busy, ignored her calls, or made her empty promises.
Woah rant.
I'm gonna go sleep now.


----------

