# Mother/fathers.



## deleted user (Jul 14, 2017)

So. i am having trouble letting go of the past. my mother just sucks shes really the worst i only thank her for life and thats not the best ,she was never the motherly type i suffered abuse and neglect and all manner of horror. i dont have a father on my birth cert it just says unknown. i have 4 other siblings we all have different fathers.blah blah blah i have lots of family issues. anyways when i get angry or stressed i just lament about her inadequate child rearing skills. it drives me mad to the point i just want to ruin her life/harm her, but this always has ill effects on the rest of my siblings. can anyone help me with ideas on how to let it all go. to just put all the nastiness behind me so i can move on? i seem to be drawn back "home" all the time so trying to just run and stick to the road it is difficult. i guess im asking when uncontrolled memories pop up and hurt you how do you just push them down or just let them go ,drugs help sometimes but then i come down and its just as bad or worse. i dont know what im really asking here i guess how do i just let go? i really just want to be free from the pain i keep re-living. i ran away at 16 and im 37 now so this really is a long standing issue.


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## marmar (Jul 14, 2017)

strangeandsolo said:


> So. i am having trouble letting go of the past. my mother just sucks shes really the worst i only thank her for life and thats not the best ,she was never the motherly type i suffered abuse and neglect and all manner of horror. i dont have a father on my birth cert it just says unknown. i have 4 other siblings we all have different fathers.blah blah blah i have lots of family issues. anyways when i get angry or stressed i just lament about her inadequate child rearing skills. it drives me mad to the point i just want to ruin her life/harm her, but this always has ill effects on the rest of my siblings. can anyone help me with ideas on how to let it all go. to just put all the nastiness behind me so i can move on? i seem to be drawn back "home" all the time so trying to just run and stick to the road it is difficult. i guess im asking when uncontrolled memories pop up and hurt you how do you just push them down or just let them go ,drugs help sometimes but then i come down and its just as bad or worse. i dont know what im really asking here i guess how do i just let go? i really just want to be free from the pain i keep re-living. i ran away at 16 and im 37 now so this really is a long standing issue.


I believe we choose our parents before we are born. So this helps to cope with shit like this you are talking about. When another wave of hurt and and anger at parents comes up, I remind myself that that's the parents I 've chosen to be born to. Then there is the whole life to figure out what for


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## lone wolf (Jul 15, 2017)

marmar said:


> I believe we choose our parents before we are born...


my mother says the same thing and to this day i don't understand that statement.



strangeandsolo said:


> So. i am having trouble letting go of the past. my mother just sucks shes really the worst i only thank her for life and thats not the best ,she was never the motherly type i suffered abuse and neglect and all manner of horror. i dont have a father on my birth cert it just says unknown. i have 4 other siblings we all have different fathers.blah blah blah i have lots of family issues. anyways when i get angry or stressed i just lament about her inadequate child rearing skills. it drives me mad to the point i just want to ruin her life/harm her, but this always has ill effects on the rest of my siblings. can anyone help me with ideas on how to let it all go. to just put all the nastiness behind me so i can move on? i seem to be drawn back "home" all the time so trying to just run and stick to the road it is difficult. i guess im asking when uncontrolled memories pop up and hurt you how do you just push them down or just let them go ,drugs help sometimes but then i come down and its just as bad or worse. i dont know what im really asking here i guess how do i just let go? i really just want to be free from the pain i keep re-living. i ran away at 16 and im 37 now so this really is a long standing issue.



i talk with my mother through email regularly but I've had zero interactions with my father in over 20 years.

getting away from toxic relationships is the best thing you can do for yourself imo. yes, the memories will be with you but if you can change your focus to the beauty around you then painful memories will fade.


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## deleted user (Jul 15, 2017)

thank you for the input. its not an ez subject to talk about. "getting away from toxic relationships is the best thing you can do for yourself" agreed not sure how to act on this but its what my gut tells me is best.


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## deleted user (Jul 15, 2017)

marmar said:


> I believe we choose our parents before we are born. So this helps to cope with shit like this you are talking about. When another wave of hurt and and anger at parents comes up, I remind myself that that's the parents I 've chosen to be born to. Then there is the whole life to figure out what for


 thank you for your response .


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## A New Name (Jul 15, 2017)

Tell your mother that you understand that she was brought up in a confusion and sorrow ridden society that rarely creates people able to properly be parents or able to transcend their society programming and self-program and become proper parents on their own.


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## Odin (Jul 15, 2017)

Perceval said:


> Tell your mother that you understand that she was brought up in a confusion and sorrow ridden society that rarely creates people able to properly be parents or able to transcend their society programming and self-program and become proper parents on their own.



\
\if there is an afterlife... I probably agree with a lot of that...


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## deleted user (Jul 15, 2017)

we have a big family its mostly difficult during family functions like birthdays and holidays i love my sibling i raised them . they still look up to me broken and crazy as i am so when we have time together i try to suck it up . i like the post about toxic people cause thats what she is to me. the well i couldn't have been that bad a mother cause your still alive or the i brought you in to this world i can take you out b.s. she says just gets under my skin. she lives like a leech off of my siblings and grandmother. but has the gall to judge me cause of stuff like my divorce or tattoos or the women i choose to be with. anyways i kinda know now that i have to live with this life. i have to choose to be better than her. and i have to just stay away cause i don't want the repercussions of what i really want to do. no love just being smart for my own happiness. venting it out helps. like a pressure cooker. just got to get the hate out some times cause the cup gets to full.


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## deleted user (Jul 15, 2017)

Perceval said:


> Tell your mother that you understand that she was brought up in a confusion and sorrow ridden society that rarely creates people able to properly be parents or able to transcend their society programming and self-program and become proper parents on their own.


its funny to me cause you cant tell this woman shit. but thanks for talking to me about it.


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## A New Name (Jul 15, 2017)

strangeandsolo said:


> its funny to me cause you cant tell this woman shit. but thanks for talking to me about it.


 My reply wasn't meant to be taken at face value.


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## DrewSTNY (Jul 15, 2017)

I lost my father 25+ years ago to suicide and my mother was always pretty rotten to us kids all my life. I had a good home and my father would have given the shirt off his back for us kids, we have no idea what drove him to suicide. I have two grown boys and a third going into high school this year, I would do anything for them, but I also realize that they have to find their way in the world like I did.

Regarding my mother, my sister and I have had little contact with her (my sister less contact than me) for most of our adult life. She disliked both of our spousal choices, and berates my sister every chance she gets. Needless to say, my sister has little interest in keeping up a relationship with our mother. My wife and I were feeling that we may end up having to support my mother now that she is crossing into her 70's, but she has gotten even nastier towards us and our family the more financial trouble she gets into. I spoke with her on Mother's Day this year for probably the last time, but I still can't shake wanting to make sure that she stays in her house or gets into assisted living somehow. She doesn't have the income to be in assisted living, and barely has enough money to keep her house afloat. I hate to see her loose the house and the consequences of that, but I need to take care of my family first. She has said some pretty horrible things about my adult children that pretty much lead me to cut ties with her. That doesn't make it easy, since, like you, I have a very large extended family that I pretty much cannot see anymore thanks to my mother and her ass-hattery.

I partly blame her for my father's death, and have learned to deal with the guilt and frustration that she has caused in my life the best I can. My wife is wonderful and keeps me sane when my family is so insane. I miss my father terribly, but there's no bringing him back except for fabrications in my dreams. I have pretty much written my relationship with my mother off, I just hope I don't screw up my kids by being like her.

As far as advice? Try to limit your dealings with her to purely superficial things if you can, and have your siblings come see you instead of going to see them. If they still live at home, buy them a bus ticket to somewhere you can meet up and hang out together as a family even for a little while.

I seem to remember someone giving advice about helping parents out or dealing with them saying that we owe them nothing once we have left the house. You've been gone 20 years and seem to want to try and mend your relationship with you mother, but it doesn't seem like she wants the same thing. I guess patience and time away is the answer. I have a lot of patience and my mother holds a grudge forever, so I guess it will be a long time before our relationship is mended. I either need to be good with that, or man up and take the first step in reconciliation. Man I hate giving advice, I get screwed over by my own words.

Hope that helps.


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## deleted user (Jul 17, 2017)

DrewSTNY said:


> I lost my father 25+ years ago to suicide and my mother was always pretty rotten to us kids all my life. I had a good home and my father would have given the shirt off his back for us kids, we have no idea what drove him to suicide. I have two grown boys and a third going into high school this year, I would do anything for them, but I also realize that they have to find their way in the world like I did.
> 
> Regarding my mother, my sister and I have had little contact with her (my sister less contact than me) for most of our adult life. She disliked both of our spousal choices, and berates my sister every chance she gets. Needless to say, my sister has little interest in keeping up a relationship with our mother. My wife and I were feeling that we may end up having to support my mother now that she is crossing into her 70's, but she has gotten even nastier towards us and our family the more financial trouble she gets into. I spoke with her on Mother's Day this year for probably the last time, but I still can't shake wanting to make sure that she stays in her house or gets into assisted living somehow. She doesn't have the income to be in assisted living, and barely has enough money to keep her house afloat. I hate to see her loose the house and the consequences of that, but I need to take care of my family first. She has said some pretty horrible things about my adult children that pretty much lead me to cut ties with her. That doesn't make it easy, since, like you, I have a very large extended family that I pretty much cannot see anymore thanks to my mother and her ass-hattery.
> 
> ...


 Thank you for sharing man. thats some heavy thoughts on the subject. i love my siblings and we are tight im so thankful for that. it is the awkward family function that i have to deal with and the kinda sideways shit talking but i think i can get passed all that. i never knew my father or his name or anything. so yeah i think i try to deal cause i dont want to just write her off. however she is toxic to me so i think for my life to go on and be better i have to do just that. shes a big girl and has to sink or swim just like everyone else in this life. im trying to find a good way a positive way to deal with horrible memories and thoughts ov revenge when i am stressed or angry. but it helps to know im not alone. sorry i dont spell or punctuate so gud!


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## PatchTwist (Jul 17, 2017)

As much as I would like to think I have moved on, I, too, have sudden bursts of anger and rage. They are directed towards my father. The neglect, the temper, the manipulation, the lost years I could have shared with my mother... So much more that rise up with sudden triggers. 
For a while I would let the rage play out. Yell, go at my punching bag (gotten after breaking something of value), cry, just get it all out of me until I was an exhausted mess. 
Nowadays, I still do to an extent, but I taught myself how to ease down from that hight. I taught myself to shift my focus onto what I learned from him; how to not think, act, and feel. How to, essentially not be him. How to be a better person.
But as nice as that little trick is, I don't think I will ever fully "get over it." Forgiveness does work to an extent, but bitter hatred and resentment is something that is like a sliver just under the skin that just won't go away. It serves as a remnant, a reminder. It is the crucial part: to never forget. 
Our mutual friends tell me about how much better he has gotten and he even has the fucking gall to suddenly act as though I'm his daughter now that I'm pushing 30. But though I tactfully keep the peace on the outside, inside I still scream. They see what they want and disregard my warnings while I never forget what he is.
So, if I can sum up what little advise I'm comfortable offering, it is this: to forgive and learn for your own sake, but never forget and stand for yourself and those you do love. At the end of the day, nothing can erase what happened to you, so you mine as well make the most of it.


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## deleted user (Jul 18, 2017)

"I tactfully keep the peace on the outside, inside I still scream. They see what they want and disregard my warnings while I never forget what he is." ....this feeling i know so well, my sisters kids love grandma and all i can think is how she should never be allowed around children, its like watching someone toy with a rattle snake, you know they can be bit and you want to protect them but they just dont listen, i still very much want to take the good from her life and make her feel the way i feel but i also have this annoying habit of putting my self in some one else's shoes and well i like that i can be forgiven. I wounder how those i have hurt feel and then i just break down. (usually start seeking drugs then) i want to end the cycle. so thats what im trying to do here keep calm and chive on as the shirts say. Thank you for sharing patch. and everyone it has helped. lol i dont feel so much like blank blank blanking the blank out of her. this week. my sister has noticed and so did my youngest brother. and that means a lot to me i hate therapists and counseling it never did much good for us when we were kids and teens and i think its half the reason i use drugs cause thats how we dealt before get angry and out of control take a pill dont hurt mom be a "good kid"blah blah blah


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## Feralninja (Jul 19, 2017)

Sometimes communication is impossible. Being gaslighted and abused isn't worth it, despite blood ties. It's a shotty deal but man... and I know I've had to do it, you just have to remove toxic folks from your life and go your own way. Being sad and angry is natural but it'll never help. The urge to speak your mind and feelings to her is huge, cos u love her...
But at some point you gotta realize. Neither one of you is capable of reconciliation at the moment. 
Do your own thing, give it time. Find power in other forms. Sending u good thoughts . Dont despair please, you arent alone.


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