# Im gonna die of stress. I know it.



## LeeevinKansas (May 24, 2011)

Seriously. final realization in the jist of all this bullshit, if I dont leave, and go hitchhiking, and being that and what not, and return to my old lifestyle, im gonna die of stress. If i dont leave this ladyfriend, and hit the road im gonan straight up die of stress. like i mean i know it. the shit ive been through with her. i mean not just like relationship but the fact that we are both homeless. hardly can live. etc. man ive gone through my lifes fill of drama with her. honestly, im stressed out to the max. overfill. she has warped my mind man, kinda fueled my hatred for the city even more, and i just wanna leave. i dont wanna talk to no body. jjust go. get out. now. 

see with me ive been trying to leave straight up for like ....... a year and a half now, almost 2 years. and so many family and friends have tried to stop me you know, what friends and family i have being a hobo basically. i mean ive pretty much became that. excuse me not a hobo, just homeless. all the jobs i get i end up quitting. i cant help it. im not trying to be a dent on society, i just have extreme wanderlust. i wanna travel like a mosquito wants to suck blood. <.< 

and everytime i get my shit ready to go someone gets in my way. my dad has been a huge problem. my family in general. i dont really talk to them much. phone calls once in awhile. but i used to live with them so i mean i severed and fucked up a lot of shit, by leavin, my parents didnt take it right. and friends you know, people are just asses in ks. 

and now this woman, i met her at the raves we go to here. they are decent raves actually. not bad for ks anyways. and one day i went to her place to chill and never went home. of course thats hardcore fucked up everything for my dad. tore him up. bc u know u gotta understand whats its like to have your son constantly moving in and out. and ive beenw ith her now for like 6 months....and its jsut gotten worse and worse. i mean she dont like it that i wanna leave obviously. shit who would. im not a dumbass i know few woman would travel with me, if any. im not crazy, i just really love traveling and nature and the outdoors and camping and hiking. im that guy. and fishing. and being free from the city. but its just gone on for so long with this lady and me trying to leave. so many stories about shit ive pulled trying to get out of here, not with her, but like before i met her. 

but see i know ill die of stress if i stay here. not necessarily her, but just mani hate the city. i hate the traffic and the buzz and go of cars and trucks and semis and people and traffic lights flashing and dick head cops and jampacked parking lots and the news and the constant drama and bullshit and people freaking out and about this and that and the rapture and jesus and ballsack and i dont care. man. im sick and tired of all this crap. just wanna leave. travel b4 i cant. aint no rulebook of life that says i cant. aint no book of life that says i gotta do what every one else does. 

see finally got to a place where people leave me alone. now its just this chick. she wont come with me. unless we go to jersey shore, she said it jokingly though. because i was hella down for it. i hate jersey shore, but hey it would get me out on the road. and see i work now and i got money, so at any point i could buy the shit i need and leave. 

but sometimes i cant even fathom doing that to this woman. im not even gonna attempt to explain how much she means to me. but at the same time hitchhiking, means the same amount to me. i know that sounds possibly fucked up, but it was there b4 her, and ive always been a hitchhiker. when i was 13 i used to walk 30 miles down the road from home to the countryside and walk around in the smalls towns, and ride bikes out there. like ive always been like this. i know that area like the back of my hand. its got so many memories. so many nooks and crannys and hidden rivers and woodland forests and fields and shit to chill in. and shes here for 6 months and impacting my heart so much just because of the riduculous shit weve gone through. man you could make a movie. a book. honestly. but ive realised a few times already.... when it comes down to it

...am i gonna be able to be happy with her for the next 50 years, in a city?

NO. i cant. i stare out the windows every chance i get longing to be outside. wishing i could leave. being outside is like waiting on the doorstep constantly to get inside heaven.


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## Earth (May 24, 2011)

Brother, 
You sound exactly like someone I know who used to be a huge part of my life, but then came to re-define the word 'hate' when it came to me. 

She was in the same situation, (in fact, it's almost if she wrote this above but reversed the genders) so I did what I felt I had to do: I ended it (our marriage) for her, since there was no way she was going to do it.

While it broke my heart and caused much inner pain and suffering, today I'm ok - because I know she now is living the life she want's, somewhere out in Seattle - with yet another man who's heart she'll eventually break as well, since there's a definate pattern with her....

But, like her - it sounds to me like you'll never be happy either - as I have read much of what you have written here elsewhere...

Writing is good too, it allows one to lay their cards out on the table for all to see, and also allows for input - some of which may be good, bad, or indifferent. I was doing the same thing too, but then I soon figured out real fast what needed to be done, which in my case was complete and absolute seperation - as far away as possible, as soon as possible - and while I secretly hoped we'd remain friends - or perhaps that she'd come around - I knew deep down inside that once it was over, it was over...

You can't search for happiness, you have to find it within, something I have achieved quite sometime ago, and I ain't about to let go.

This is something you have to figure out for yourself, for no one can do it for you.
Hang in there....


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## Earth (May 24, 2011)

PS: 
I thought I was gonna die of stress too. Now I know I'll die happy, once my time comes...........

Be true to yourself, the rest will follow - or not..........


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## foxtailV (May 24, 2011)

yea 2 stress... the reason vacations r so coveted by people is u can be ur self without others to remember your treatment of them good or bad. life on the run. I think thats the beu of movement our actions have a hard time finding our thoughts. there are alot of forms of escapism. Thats great. Just run to not from. People like to ask so what r u runnin from, i think they see an inner complex and reflect on their own downcasted heads instead of keepin the frown upside down. Im in that same place not wanting to leave. Its an answer with a ? . it is the ? that drives us mad


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## CardBoardBox (May 24, 2011)

Hahaha, I just spent the last 6 months with someone who makes me rediculously happy. The unfortunate truth is he can't live the same lifetsyle as I want to, and as hard as I damnwell tried to settle into this normal working house life that wanderlust is calling to me like wolves to the moon. I spent the last 6 months of my life trying to convince myself I was happy. I have a beautiful home, a good paying job with a great boss, but if it isn't what makes you happy then it don't work. It's like trying to give a million dollars to a tree- all the money in the world ain't gonna make it any happier if it ain't the right thing for it. -shrugs- I feel your pain, is all I have to say. If you've tried everything except leaving and you're still not happy- then leave. It's as simple as that. If you two are meant to come together at a different point in life, then that might be. But you gotta go back to the life you were living before you and her started this life- otherwise it's gonna eat you alive.


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## Dishka8643 (May 24, 2011)

Either route you take, there is a sacrifice. That's life. Women come and go. People constantly change. In the end, you have to be true to yourself. It's like CardboardBox said, you need to man up and address this or it will eat you alive. If you decide to travel, don't beat yourself up dude. You are what you are, and that is the way you are supposed to be. I'd imagine that this dilemma is putting just as much stress on her. I feel for you man.


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## LeeevinKansas (May 25, 2011)

foxtailV said:


> Its an answer with a ? . it is the ? that drives us mad


its driving me mad. i know i need to man up. and im starting to. slowly ive been making progress. realizing this chick aint worth it. in the end theres me. im gonna get old and grey some day and theres me. me alone. i need to be happy before i can dedicate myself to another soul for 50 years+ or watever. 

she told me today, she straight up dont care no more. and she ment it. if i leave shes indifferent. while im here she loves me. but if i leave ...... i know for a few years il pry go from being torn up and insane and sore...and eventually get over it. her. but who knows? it could take like 20 years before i get over her. what if i die out there though? will it be worth it? when i could have stayed with her and just put up with the bs of city life...........i ask myself that as a man in all seriousness and deep in the abyss of my soul i hear NO. i cant stay. need to leave. need to leave. need to leave. im going insane. im past all reasoning that a normal person would have. 

man my dad, i mentioned in another thread, i had a vision, one day, randomly, that he recently had talked to me and told me not to get this chick prego. but i hadnt seen him in fuckin forever. then i saw him one day, recently, and he straight up awkwardly told me he had been havin many vivid dreams of me and this chick. and all he said was "dont get her prego. it will screw up your life royally". im sorry. how am i supposed to ignore that. its supernatural at minimum. for me, a natural animist/theistic satanist/ancient astronaut theorist and ahandful of other occult/spiritual shit......its life impacting. like i cant ignore that. it puts me in silent shock. 

i got to leave. get out. taste the sweetness of the blue sky....smell the rain..


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## Puckett (May 25, 2011)

nothing risked is nothing gained, we all have choices in our life to make. not all will end up good. if you really cant make up your mind flip a coin. if you feel like you should flip it again because you didnt like the answer it gave you then you already have made a choice without really knowing. good luck


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## Nelco (May 25, 2011)

I say quit your job and never turn back.


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## Needles (May 28, 2011)

I can kind of relate to what you're going through, minus the girl drama. I spent two years traveling and now I've been back home with the parents for about a year. I've got a job and a boyfriend and am about to go back to college, everything's going good for me from society's point of view. From my point of view, the walls are closing in. I miss living outside so much. I feel trapped, committed, and stagnate. The more I try to do things "the right way," going through the established channels, the more I feel like I'm living a lie. I look around, at my family in front of the tv, my coworkers giving up the best years of their lives to the corporate machine, the hipsters getting hot over the latest gadget or trend, and look in the mirror and am disgusted with myself. Here I am right along side them, maybe I'm even worse really. They have ignorance on their side, but I've gone without all this superficial bullshit. I know what it's like to live on faith, to commune with a 100 year old redwood, to wake with the sun and the birds instead of an alarm clock, to be connected to the earth and a divine source. But here I am, a fucking waitress, kissing ass and making small talk for $3.50 an hour and a 9% tip if I'm lucky... I'll be damn near 30 by the time I finish school... you can paint black stripes on a white horse but that doesn't make it a zebra. wtf am I doing?


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