# How does one forgive himself?



## RoadFlower33 (Jan 14, 2019)

I'm having a hard time. It has been one year and 7 days( 1 year 6 days and 17 hours actually) since my ex left me. We were together four and a half years. June 1st 2013 to January 7 2018. She was the light and soul of my life, my reason to thrive. We met while I was on the run from 2 felonie warrents. Her brother ( my best friend) was housing me. Long story short. I was turned in by my own sister after a little more than two years of obsconding (2011 to 2014) and hitching 10 states. I changed and became angry while on probation. My mind closed and there programming took hold. I started to belittle her in little ways and tell her her emotions were invalid, I would correct her words and quibble over the meaning of them. I had a super hard time admitting I was wrong and would argue relentlessly. I couldn't see that I was doing any of this. I was blind and dumb. Cheyenne would even tell me and I would just say she was wrong or shut her verry valid point down. She is the best thing to ever happen to me, my best friend, the best most loving individual I have ever met and I got so negative and angry at life and myself ( im not trying to justify my actions. I have just had time to reflect why i did what i did to her when she did absaloutly nothing to deserve it) then took it out on her and i hurt her ( i think of it like the dump truck theory) so bad that she could not handle it and left me. I do not blame her. I am proud that she is such a strong woman. She is happy with another man that treats her right and is giving her the ability to live out her vagabond river rat dreams. We still speak, she says she has forgiven me and will always love me. And that shit hurts even more bc after a year of almost every day continplating and evaluating my life and why did I say do or act in that manor? That's not who I am. Am i? I believe myself to be a loving understanding open indavidual. So why!!! I have no reason. I have no justification. And I can't forgive myself. I'm tearing myself apart inside everyday. Somedays I feel I'm going insane others I can almost convince myself that it was a nessacary life lesson for both of us. That's what cheyenne keeps telling me. But I have a hard time forgiving myself. I think it goes back to having an physically and mentaly abusive father. My entire life I told myself I would never be him. I have never and never will raise a finger to a woman, but this was to far for my personal standers and beliefs. And I don't know if I would have ever understood but when we broke up I just happened to have two ounces of mushrooms and a book called " the voice of knowledge". So I micro dosed everyday somedays I dosed hard for about two months while I read and reread this book. Luckily I was injured and had a job that allowed me to do so... I cried alot and often as I realized how I had treated such a beautiful soul, over and over relization one after another and I felt like I had failed her. I knew I had failed myself. My mother raised me better. So I guess what I'm asking is if anybody has any experience with such an unforgiving emotion of regret and loss of integraty? How do I forgive myself?


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## noothgrush (Jan 14, 2019)

First off don't use your father as an excuse. say to yourself, "i went through this shit when i was a kid, i am who i am now and its all up to me now to take responsibility for my actions." Moving on and reflecting on our mistakes is tough, mostly because we continue to make mistakes. Just don't make the same ones over and over again and you'll realize you are on the road to being who you want to be. Its never going to end man, just keep looking forward.


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## RoadFlower33 (Jan 14, 2019)

Thanks man. I appriciate it.


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## noothgrush (Jan 14, 2019)

i always feel like im being a dick when i give advice. but i just learned over time that you kind of have to be hard on yourself if you want to improve. but your a traveler so you are already a tough SOB even if you dont realize it.


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## RoadFlower33 (Jan 14, 2019)

Same, but if they asked me then... I am a blunt person myself and I asked. I didn't find it dick at all tho. I am asking for honesty, and gave as honest info as I think I could without writing a book. So again thank you.


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## ElonMusksButtcheeks (Jan 14, 2019)

Have you tried reaching out to her and maybe being friends?


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## RoadFlower33 (Jan 14, 2019)

ElonMusksButtcheeks said:


> Have you tried reaching out to her and maybe being friends?


Yes. We talk. We talked this morning right b4 I wrote this. but we can't be friends right now. She says it is to hard for her right now, she is still broken up about us. Says she still loves me, always will. I understand that and commend her for being so strong and self reliant.


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## jimmyf (Jan 17, 2019)

I don't know, I went a little crazy after a breakup which really stepped up my spirituality afterwards. However, I'm not going to give you annoying advice on that topic, but I will leave you with a link to a verse if you care to click it. https://biblehub.com/proverbs/21-19.htm 

I don't know, to me, I try to be as honest as I can with myself, and to be honest, it always take two to tango. Chances are, she brought more heartache than happiness, but the key is to find the inner happiness within yourself my friend. I don't talk to any of my ex's. The one that really got me had me dying inside, and I started writing exactly how I felt about her, and once I did, I was over her so quick. However, she was the very last thing in the world that added value to my life, and once I dropped that, I will never be the same. That's where my spiritual insanity came into play.

So do I suggest you follow in my footsteps? I don't know man. Sometimes I feel that I have a gift. Sometimes I feel that I have a curse. Most days I'm pretty happy with absolutely nothing going for me though which is pretty cool.


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