# incompatibility with reality



## DazeDreamer

is it possible to be healthy and constantly on the verge of suicide? I feel like I eat pretty well and drink good water regularly and get good exercise but my body is just falling apart from the inside out because I hate myself and the universe. any known remedy?
it seems that I won't be connecting with anyone any time soon/ever (which seems like potential remedy) since I don't actually think this reality is worth putting effort into, or experiencing to begin with... but I still can't kill myself yet so I'm stuck here for now and this waking up sick most days and having chronic pain all day every day at age 24 thing is a little bit tiresome. obviously I wouldn't expect anyone to take me seriously since I'm basically just a piece of trash whining on the internet but feel free to insult me or just say anything you want regardless of its relevance, because communication is pointless anyway! who fucking cares what we write!
bet you won't make that elongated flight scheme wake up at 5:30, tho.


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## Matt Derrick

its late so i don't know what to tell you right now, but maybe some others will chime in with some advice.

i changed your title to be a bit more relevant to the subject at hand.


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## Deleted member 22054

I feel you @DazeDreamer i struggle with connecting with people, depression, loneliness, anxiety too. I hate my life atm. Trying to change and make myself get out more and meet new people. A few months back i joined my local volunteer fire department, which has been good. I also met a girl who i really liked. Thought things were going well till our 4th date, well wasnt really a 4th date, she just broke the news that she didnt feel that it wouldnt work out. Something to do with university or something. "Its not you its me" i was upset but hid my emotions. We agreed we'd just be friends because she did apparently like hanging out with me. That was a few weeks back. Now she barely returns text messages when we used to chat pretty well. Now im down in the dumps big time. I work a shitty job with shitty pay, go home to a empty apartment, have a million other shitty things on my mind that i cant let go of and generally nothing to look foward too in the future. To be honest i have been contemplating suicide the last week or so. Yes i know, not good. Not for just being rejected but because i really cant take much more of everything that im going through. The last few days ive been feeling so alone its not funny


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## Tadaa

my previous roommate drew massive colourfull suns and smiley faces on every mirror in the house. 
did the same at my new place now. with in big letters SMILE.
its a start. 

and you re not alone. a lot of threads on here about it. just read on other peoples stories on what helped them and try to kick your ass to get up on your feet.
for example this short story
https://squattheplanet.com/threads/essay-about-train-hopping-depression-and-poetry.35196/

my anxiety, overthinking and depression has been at a massive high the last year. but slowly dragging myself out of it. and this site has been a help. i met a few amazing people through here. and this has been a great help with trainhopping and hitchhiking. (my escape that gives me the feeling of being alive)

also i am very fortunate to have amazing friends around the world to fall back on (even tho i have tio appologize to them often for taking my backpack, hit the road and leave them behind

wish you all the best. 
and if you feel free to message me if you need to talk. different time zones and many miles away but feel free nonetheless


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## DazeDreamer

yeah I don't know what's up with interpersonal relationships but I definitely don't see how I could pursue connection with anyone again since I'm a psychopath or something. yet of course here I am still posting on the internet because I can't even make myself jump off a fucking cliff and I'm desperate to not be alone 24/7 which I actually am, regardless of all the other people in the world there is no connection and reading letters on a screen isn't going to make me feel connection with anyone when being around people in person doesn't even. maybe I'll get lucky and I'll get killed in a random street brawl. although I feel like the amount of rage and hatred that is inside me might allow me to destroy someone despite being short and skinny. so maybe I'd just end up in jail. either way, I'm too much of a coward to go up to someone and be like "hey uhm.. if you don't mind.. would you.. uhmm. fight me to the death? please.. if you're not too busy, that is.."

fuck life.
sorry for being worthless scum even though I can't tell if I'm sorry or not


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## Jerrell

Suicide is never the answer. I've always had a plan that if I got to the point I would actually do it, I'd disappear to Belize instead. Beautiful country, friendly locals, and lots of nature and history to explore. 
I can completely relate to you. I'm the type that has always felt alone in the middle of a crowd. That crowd could be strangers, family, or friends and I might even be interacting with them, but I'm still alone. I think being an introvert in a society that demands you be an extrovert or be damned doesn't help. 
There are a lot of societal norms that I just don't fit into. Like I don't want to be a cog in their machine. I don't care what fashion and cultural trends are current. I don't need the fastest or shiniest anything. Fuck the Joneses and their cul va sacs and dusty high school sports trophies. 
Yeah, I have dealt with the rage and depression and all of that. I still deal with depression and anxiety with some PTSD on top for seasoning. 
I went through a lot of psych/therapist types (six, seven years of trying) and never found help, in fact some of them set me back a bit, but then I found the right fit for me and we were able to break down some shit that seemed too big to tackle and make it manageable. He helped me realize that I need to be on the road and not completely isolating myself in a room or on a barstool. 
I don't like people and don't feel like making any kind of deep connections with them because of the pain it caused in the past on so many levels and he gets it. I have this thing where I don't get that bond that normal people get when they meet and become friends. Like how some animals imprint. I'm not a sociopath or autistic, so it is probably the PTSD that is doing it we think.
It's taken me a long time to figure out that I'm least happy when I'm stationary and dealing with the same people day in and day out. I need changes in scenery. 
If I could go back and talk to my 25 year old self, I would tell myself to explore the world until I found a place I felt content to at least exist in so I'd have a base camp and then explore more from there. Oh, and to listen more (because a homeless guy at the shelter I volunteered at when I was about your age told me what I should do and I thought he was crazy, but now realize he was a genius haha).
I'm not going to give you some psychobabble crap about the grass being greener or turning pages or anything because shit doesn't change overnight. 
Okay, well time does make things better. Only if you move forward though. And time moves slower than we'd like, but it's constant.
My last thought here would be to get on medicaid and get that chronic pain figured out and start looking for a therapist type that has conversations with you. The ones that talk at you are just collecting paychecks.


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## roughdraft

it's a lot of things that most, so many that it's maybe even all people struggle with

so if you can identify that we are all sharing a common experience then maybe that can help you feel less pain


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## DazeDreamer

Jerrell said:


> I've always had a plan that if I got to the point I would actually do it, I'd disappear to Belize instead.
> There are a lot of societal norms that I just don't fit into.
> I don't like people and don't feel like making any kind of deep connections with them because of the pain it caused in the past on so many levels and he gets it. I have this thing where I don't get that bond that normal people get when they meet and become friends. Like how some animals imprint. I'm not a sociopath or autistic, so it is probably the PTSD that is doing it we think.
> My last thought here would be to get on medicaid and get that chronic pain figured out and start looking for a therapist type that has conversations with you. The ones that talk at you are just collecting paychecks.


If I get to the point where I would actually do it, then no one would hear anything from me because I'd just do it and not talk to people about it. 
I think I don't fit into many societal norms at all. I have no desire to continue relying on market-accessed mining-products for survival and there is no escape from that unless I learn how to gather all of my sustenance locally on my own, since there's no one to learn that with.. not that I even have the energy to really do that because waking up happens for no fucking reason.
I see no reason to think I would ever find a place I want to exist, because it's not the location that's the issue. it's idiotic humans and the environment we've created. there's literally no reason to exist here other than human connection, for me. but that just gets further away every day
I've seen a variety of therapists before and none of them were helpful. there is nothing to work through, humans are just dumb as shit and that can't be solved while I'm alive. 
I don't feel that bond either but I wouldn't be surprised if I am autistic or a sociopath. I have suspected that I'm somewhat autistic as long as I knew about it. 
I've also seen doctors about the chronic pain and they're way too fucking retarded to be worth interacting with. I already know what I would have to do to be healthy, it's just not going to happen because I can't connect with people and therefore my brain is going to continue to kill me.


rana y sapo said:


> if you can identify that we are all sharing a common experience then maybe that can help you feel less pain


We are not all sharing a common experience lol and I don't see why that would make me feel less pain even if we were.


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## DazeDreamer

being on the road helped for a couple weeks, but that stopped when I realized that it is essentially the same as living in one place because civilization is the same everywhere I've been and everyone who isn't crazy is retarded everywhere I've been.


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## Coywolf

DazeDreamer said:


> is it possible to be healthy and constantly on the verge of suicide? I feel like I eat pretty well and drink good water regularly and get good exercise but my body is just falling apart from the inside out because I hate myself and the universe. any known remedy?
> it seems that I won't be connecting with anyone any time soon/ever (which seems like potential remedy) since I don't actually think this reality is worth putting effort into, or experiencing to begin with... but I still can't kill myself yet so I'm stuck here for now and this waking up sick most days and having chronic pain all day every day at age 24 thing is a little bit tiresome. obviously I wouldn't expect anyone to take me seriously since I'm basically just a piece of trash whining on the internet but feel free to insult me or just say anything you want regardless of its relevance, because communication is pointless anyway! who fucking cares what we write!
> bet you won't make that elongated flight scheme wake up at 5:30, tho.





Sole Survivor said:


> I feel you @DazeDreamer i struggle with connecting with people, depression, loneliness, anxiety too. I hate my life atm. Trying to change and make myself get out more and meet new people. A few months back i joined my local volunteer fire department, which has been good. I also met a girl who i really liked. Thought things were going well till our 4th date, well wasnt really a 4th date, she just broke the news that she didnt feel that it wouldnt work out. Something to do with university or something. "Its not you its me" i was upset but hid my emotions. We agreed we'd just be friends because she did apparently like hanging out with me. That was a few weeks back. Now she barely returns text messages when we used to chat pretty well. Now im down in the dumps big time. I work a shitty job with shitty pay, go home to a empty apartment, have a million other shitty things on my mind that i cant let go of and generally nothing to look foward too in the future. To be honest i have been contemplating suicide the last week or so. Yes i know, not good. Not for just being rejected but because i really cant take much more of everything that im going through. The last few days ive been feeling so alone its not funny




Well my first question to both of you would have been, "are you on the road?"

Because if not, I'd definitely try that first before doing anything.....drastic?

But then you said this:



DazeDreamer said:


> being on the road helped for a couple weeks, but that stopped when I realized that it is essentially the same as living in one place because civilization is the same everywhere I've been and everyone who isn't crazy is retarded everywhere I've been.




And I have to ask, where are the places you traveled to? Because only 2 weeks out there may not be enough....or perhaps going to places that are not helping.

I.e. try some nature oriented places instead of people oriented? Like go to a national park, or ride a train through the forest, rather than immerse yourself into downtown Philly, ect.

Not sure if that helps, but i found that helpful. I had to separate myself from society long enough to be able to find ways to appreciate it? I still dont really appreciate the "society" side of travelling nearly as much of the "nature/self sufficient" side.

But hey, I've also had breakdowns and suicidal points out on the road, it all come down to the person.

Also, any substance use/abuse going on? That may be a point to consider if so.


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## DazeDreamer

I've been living in my car for like two months now and I definitely felt this way beforehand as well, although slightly differently of course because things have happened since then. I have been focusing on "nature" rather than society, even though I generally have been staying near cities because of my reliance on industrial civilization for survival, resulting in my existence being destructive. but yeah living this way has definitely increased my isolation, which was already pretty near total, especially since I don't know a single person within thousands of miles and am incapable of just going up to people and attempting to use up their time paying attention to me

I just smoke weed that's all, don't even drink caffeine.
being away from people doesn't make me appreciate people more. I just wish I could find people who I actually get along with and admire, but not many are trying to become feral and I can't find any if the ones who are (also there's the whole issue of how I'm toxic garbage and shouldn't interact with anyone to begin with)


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## roughdraft

you gotta drop the whole "i am toxic garbage i should never interact with anyone". some call it negative self-talk.


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## DazeDreamer

rana y sapo said:


> you gotta drop the whole "i am toxic garbage i should never interact with anyone". some call it negative self-talk.


do you really think this comment does anything? like.. do you believe in God? if not, how about you decide that you do believe in God now. that should fix things up real nice, huh?


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## roughdraft

i don't necessarily believe in much of anything or attach myself to what I think but one thing I do believe is this:

you're the only one who can help yourself and if you want positive results you've gotta try to change your perspective and your attitude

If you really wanted to die you could prioritize that but the fact is your priority right now is seeking help on a message board. this is the situation that I'm commenting on.


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## DazeDreamer

it just seems kind of ridiculous and tired to tell people to change their beliefs, especially without offering any support for an alternative belief at all. there seems to be no reason for me to talk to people because everyone believes in free will and I have no idea hoe to bridge that difference because it's so obvious that the only things that can happen are the things that do happen and everything is either caused or random, neither of which leaves any room for "free will" which, to me, seems like an oxymoron. in order to have a will, there MUST be context, and the only way that change could originate from within an individual would be for something to come from nothing.
A seems like it's equal to A. what else can you say besides that? 

what I'm doing here is less seeking help than it is desperately flailing about wishing that things other than myself were different, and knowing that there is no help to be found.

but it's something to pass a bit of time.


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## DazeDreamer

worse than free will even, most people seem to believe in the law of attraction.


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## Coywolf

DazeDreamer said:


> what I'm doing here is less seeking help than it is desperately flailing about wishing that things other than myself were different, and knowing that there is no help to be found.



So you are not seeking help? You just want to tell others that their opinion of how to possibly help your situation is pointless?

This may be one of the causes of your depression.

I have to agree with @rana y sapo on this one. Everything you encounter, or every person you meet, try REALLY hard to see the positive in it/them.

I have been having to do this, and it has been helping slowly.

Dont keep up with the hating of yourself. There is no need to. Because if it really is everyone else that is causing you to feel this way, the least you can do is say fuck 'em, and try to better yourself.


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## DazeDreamer

I can't seek something that isn't there to be found, though I wish it was. none of this is remotely convincing to me, optimism is an undeveloped way of approaching things and I know that people don't get to decide what they think about things.
this isn't about depression honestly, remember (if you read the other comments), I didn't write that title.
this is about being incompatible with reality.


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## DazeDreamer

I also didn't say that other people are the reason I hate myself. I hate myself because I am inadequate and perpetually afraid and ashamed for no reason. I hate other people because they're stupid and it's really annoying. I also hate myself because I think everyone is stupid, but I can't decide to not think people are stupid. which is very different from thinking they are valueless or that it's their fault that they're stupid. like I don't hate people in the sense I wish anything bad on them, I just don't find people interesting or enjoyable to engage with, yet interacting with people is the only thing I really want to do at this point. I've spent pretty much my whole life isolated most of the time and there's really no reason to explore myself or the world anymore without anyone to share things that I discover with. the last person I spent time with, over a week ago, ended our interaction by running away mid conversation, ignoring me, and not looking at me even after I ran alogside her and asked why she was running she wouldn't look at me and just got in her car and left with only a split second glance as if she was terrified. I can't figure out what I did that could've made me so frightening other than say that I wanted to die and strip naked and jump into a river? but it's not like I did this in front of some stranger who hasn't heard me say that or seen me naked before (I was also no longer naked when running alongside her so that wouldn't explain the not looking at ne part either)... anyway, my point is kind of just that I'm sick of experiencing unenjoyable bullshit for no reason. life's redeeming qualities do not make up for the infinitely flowing insanity and isolation.
so I'm not really here for help I'm jist here looking for attention for no reason because I can't kill myself even though I know it's the right thing to do.


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## Sameer

Take charge... you are responsible for the way you feel. All these emotions come from the brain. Just because a brain cell fires and causes you to be unhappy you do not have to manifest unhappiness. Quit thinking so much!
Go out into nature! Be social! Live in the moment! You and only you are responsible for your own happiness. You create every emotion that you experience. Take charge and move forward. Understand this is sink or swim. Life is sink or swim!


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## DazeDreamer

Sameer said:


> Take charge... you are responsible for the way you feel. All these emotions come from the brain. Just because a brain cell fires and causes you to be unhappy you do not have to manifest unhappiness. Quit thinking so much!
> Go out into nature! Be social! Live in the moment! You and only you are responsible for your own happiness. You create every emotion that you experience. Take charge and move forward. Understand this is sink or swim. Life is sink or swim!


you are incorrect.


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## Sameer

How am I incorrect? Emotion is a chemical process within the brain. You need to take control of your own happiness. Why would you let a society and the world affect you when they don't even know you exist. You need to take control of your own happiness that is the only Power you have. Go out and do something different. Get a dog as a companion, smoke some cannabis and go out into the forest and play.
Give yourself permission to enjoy life!


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## roughdraft

all this stuff about lifes redeeming qualities being eclipsed by the insanity and misery is something we can all relate to. we choose to deal with reality the best we can because it is the best option

you can prosper

I'd suggest in your case leaving the ganja alone for a while and doing some deep breathing 

we're just animals after all so it's physical stuff that can make all the difference

that's real shit and that is all


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## DazeDreamer

Sameer said:


> How am I incorrect? Emotion is a chemical process within the brain. You need to take control of your own happiness. Why would you let a society and the world affect you when they don't even know you exist. You need to take control of your own happiness that is the only Power you have. Go out and do something different. Get a dog as a companion, smoke some cannabis and go out into the forest and play.
> Give yourself permission to enjoy life!


you're incorrect because no one has any power. things only exist, you aren't responsible for anything. no one is responsible for anything.
I would love to live with a dog, have always wanted to and never have, but I don't have the means to adequately take care of myself, let alone another animal. and I spend a lot of times "playing" in the woods high, that is definitely one of life's main redeeming qualities. but my own happiness for its own sake is not a valid primary objective to me.

everyone always deals with everything the best they can. the best you can do is the only thing you can do. the worst you can do is also the only thing you can do. 

there is nothing to be done except what we're all doing and going to do and being unable to connect with other people IS deal breaker for me when it comes to whether or not I'll put significant effort into life.


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## salxtina

Yeah I get that. Lots of people seem to find meaning in spiritual practice or the natural world or some vocation or profession or other, and that's all good, but for me that's all pretty secondary to finding meaning in human culture, human communication.

Well... We're not responsible for "feeling different" or "thinking positive" or any nu-age stuff like that.
We ARE responsible for not hurting or exploiting other people, that's all.

If I can ask, what do you feel like is "sociopath-like" that scares or upsets you about yr self? If you mean something like not feeling a lot of emotional empathy, I think you can still choose to live a kind and ethical life regardless. And hopefully find things that are fulfilling to you too.

(Unexpectedly getting naked in front of people and/or chasing them tends to freak them out a lot so maybe that's a thing to not do...)


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## DazeDreamer

no, actually no one is responsible for anything, that is quite evident.. I don't really think I'm a sociopath, because I feel a lot of things. but empathy is impossible, not just for me. like sympathy is possible, but empathy is a fairytale. but yeah I don't really think I'm such an asshole other than when it comes to philosophy because that's pointless to talk about and pretty much everyone seems like an idiot to me when it is talked about. but like my family never hated living with me and lots of people have said they thought I'm a really nice person. I wasn't chasing anyone, by the way. but having someone who supposedly saw you as a close friend and wanted to see you suddenly turn away and run, what else are you going to do but try to find out what's going on? and if anyone is frightened by me getting unexpectedly naked then they have issues of their own. but none of this can even be communicated truly because empathy doesn't exist.


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## salxtina

Alright man. I mean actually, I experience empathy, and you deciding that's a fairytale doesn't change anything about my life. And sure you can decide you're not responsible for anything. That's just a lot different from the decision I'll make, and different from what shapes how I view other people.

Right, it sucks a lot to have close friends turn on you. Anyway, your description is a description of chasing someone. What else I'd do would be... not that. And yeah, I recognize that other people have their own 'issues,' also called 'feelings' or 'boundaries', and I try to respect that.


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## DazeDreamer

you actually are not capable of sharing other people's feelings, no one is. that would be ridiculous. but maybe you meant something else by empathy...
I'm not "deciding" I'm not responsible for anything, it's just obvious that everything is either determined or random and there is no room there for anything other than the universe or its source to be responsible for anything.
if you were there I can pretty much guarantee that you would agree I was not threatening at all, whether or not you want to call it chasing someone.

whether or not I'm naked while I'm in the water has nothing to do with other people's boundaries lol. feelings, yes, but not everything should be respected if I'm doing nothing to harm anyone, which I never am really.
I just dislike pretty much everyone I've ever met. other people generally seem to like me (like people I was in school with and people who have actually been part of my life in the past), I just don't really like them that much or not enough for it to make sense for them to remain in my life. like I can't really work with anyone on anything because I know no one who shares my goals/values/beliefs. Obviously the person I mentioned before is a special case in that I did connect with her, when I knew her before.. but people change and I forgot that and got roped back in. and for some reason her changes resulted in thinking it was appropriate to physically check me for weapons when I have never concealed carried any weapon in my life or done anything threatening towards her. but yeah I don't know she's fucked up. at least her actions clarified that I should not waste any more of my time trying to reconnect with her. I mean I am fucked up too apparently, but not like that (there's a lot more history there which I'm not going to get into)..

anyway... I guess this thread should probably die soon since it is of no use to anyone, just like me!
who would I be of use to when everyone is destroying themselves and the world? lol
fuck people.


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## salxtina

Ok that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, have fun.


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## DazeDreamer

I really don't understand how people don't understand.

EDIT: I should probably explain that when I said I don't like people, I don't mean that I dislike people. in actuality I do like most people. I meant I don't like most people enough to pursue closeness with them, not like "oh this person isn't good enough" just like.. it doesn't make sense for me to interact with most people since fundamental differences in perspective create conflict and I don't want to create conflict but it happens when I interact with people because I'm fucked up, as you can probably tell by reading the emotional ravings on this thread.


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## DazeDreamer

here's some material that seems relevant, if anyone is interested...

this article:
https://godsandradicals.org/2018/06/27/down-down-to-troy-town/

and this entire series:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL848F2368C90DDC3D


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## Phuen

Had about enough of reading uncapitalized giant masses of text.

If you treat yourself like trash, then you make yourself into trash. It's as simple as that. Treat yourself well, and you'll feel well, and others will see that and have the chance to admire it.


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## DazeDreamer

I treat myself well in every way other than beating myself up about social interactions and lack thereof. it's depressing to me that what I described became translated to freaking out and showing someone my nakedness. I didn't even freak out, nor was I showing anyone my nakedness.. idk last summer someone in a group I was with freely declothed and got into the water and it didn't bother me at all. I don't see why that has to become something extreme. I only even mentioned it because I know other people don't see it the same way I do but she and I had spent time together naked without any sexual or other context, just because we both wanted to be naked outside. I had no reason to think that jumping into water naked would bother someone and I still think it had more to do with mental health issues than anything I did that she acted the way she did. especially since it was completely opposite to the last interaction we had the week before. but it makes me dislike myself that I feel the need to explain this to people on the internet who I don't know. 
right now I'm just living off of money I saved last year. I don't really have any intention of making more money because I've already spent way too long relying on market-accessed mining-products for survival. I just gotta take the wilderness test alone I guess maybe if I pass it then I'll get to find people to develop mutually beneficial relationships with..


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## Matt Derrick

@DazeDreamer i've only scanned over the thread and not read every detail, but in my half-assed opinion you need to seek some kind of professional help.

i'm not saying that as an insult; i'm not saying it as a way to talk down to you. based on what you've shared here, i honestly think you need to seek some assistance that is outside of what we are capable of here on a message board.

these are deep seeded issue you're dealing with and if you want things to get better in your life, you need to take charge; sometimes that means having the courage to do what it takes to get that help, even if it's just asking for it. there are a lot of people out there you can talk to that are far better equipped to help you with these things than we are and who genuinely care about your well being. 

look up some folks either online or in the phone book, there are some people out there that will give you an ear to vent into at no cost to you, but you're not going to solve these problems here.


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## DazeDreamer

Matt Derrick said:


> @DazeDreamer i've only scanned over the thread and not read every detail, but in my half-assed opinion you need to seek some kind of professional help.
> 
> i'm not saying that as an insult; i'm not saying it as a way to talk down to you. based on what you've shared here, i honestly think you need to seek some assistance that is outside of what we are capable of here on a message board.
> 
> these are deep seeded issue you're dealing with and if you want things to get better in your life, you need to take charge; sometimes that means having the courage to do what it takes to get that help, even if it's just asking for it. there are a lot of people out there you can talk to that are far better equipped to help you with these things than we are and who genuinely care about your well being.
> 
> look up some folks either online or in the phone book, there are some people out there that will give you an ear to vent into at no cost to you, but you're not going to solve these problems here.


I've talked to loads of people (multiple "professionals" included), but never found a one who I looked up to!
I wasn't expecting to solve anything by coming here. it was more like bullshitting to be rebellious because it doesn't matter what I say or do I still can't connect with anyone and no one understands this so why the fuck would I care what I say online? *meticulously crafts snide and useless responses over and over* everybody is undermining themselves by relying on industrial civilization including me. we're all toxic. the only deep seeded problem is incompatibility with reality and there is no treatment or cure or escape.

the only things that can happen are the things that do happen.


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## DazeDreamer

palmazon said:


> OK - I misunderstood about the nakedness; I’m guessing here. While I agree with @Matt Derrick - there are better-equipped/trained people out there to help you, I gathered you’ve tried a few & didn’t have any success/luck. You landed here trying to connect - Misfitlandia; I have more depressing news - everyone’s a misfit. By my reckoning, ‘adaptation’ consists mainly of how best to conceal one’s maladaption; I’m > half a century old - orphaned early, veteran, international traveler, fugitive. I’ve examined practically every facet of human behavior. OK - I haven’t seen it all, but I’ve seen a lot of shit. & I agree - it’s mostly shit, HOWEVER, you’ve recognized that early on - you’re already ahead of the game. One thing I’ve learned is all the horror serves to sweeten the triumphs - whose scarcity alone makes them precious.


I've sure tried to adapt, but I passed a point where I no longer wanted to try to adapt anymore because it's just not worth it in my opinion. that's all this is literally. I'm just whining like life isn't good enough because I said so and I don't want to make myself more acceptable to others and I don't want to be alone but most people seem to insist that it's one or the other. and I don't really care. I've been well aware of the level of insanity in me for a while now and it never to goes to a place that's dangerous for anyone, which I intend to actively sustain while I exist. it's not like talking to another therapist is going to magically make me not autistic (which I wouldn't even want if it were possible because the world is and people are a mess and I'm good with how I'm reacting to that mess, it seems appropriate to me, I'm just not good with the mess and being unable to make it better, which I am unless I can build biomass and community and local infrastructure with other people)


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## DazeDreamer

after the day when I was basically dry heaving rage which was also the day I was posting here earlier on, I started adding a lot more wild plants to my diet and since then have been feeling more okay with perpetual isolation. but it still sucks that I still haven't spent time with anyone since the previously mentioned events.

I probably would not write the same words now that I did before. as is so often the case.


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## DazeDreamer

palmazon said:


> OK - fair enough. Nevertheless, take note: for all your inadequacy/incompatibilty, you’ve connected - such as it is - with everyone here. We’ve all staked our concern on a virtual stranger. That’s not for effect - that’s reality.


I mean I recognize the interactions and I appreciate that people have tried to offer help, but I would certainly not call any of this connection. I definitely do not feel like I have been understood here or that I have understood here and the internet is far too indirect a means of communication for it to be meaningful connection imo.. afterall, people are often quite different in person than they are on the internet.. I know I definitely am and lots of other people I've interacted with are as well.. but of course now that I have posted this (lol I still don't understand how people can believe in free will it's such nonsense) I've possibly given a deterrent to people on this site who I maybe could connect with, were I to have the opportunity to spend time with them.
So grand! but again, how could I not think that it's probably best for other people if I push them away?

obviously, saying that valuing myself more would make me feel better does not actually give me any reason to value myself more.
I think being miserable is quite appropriate for the context that I exist in.

I kind of hope this thread will die now. I probably will not keep myself from compulsively replying if anyone says anything else but I don't really want to interact with people online anymore because I usually don't resort to going online until I'm at the very edge of losing my shit, since there's literally no one in my life to turn to about anything and I have yet to find any outlet for anger other than climbing which I've already been doing to the point of my limbs being too sore to climb anymore right now. Stuff just piles up and then I spew it out on the internet and it sucks because the internet is not a good place to communicate or be understood. 

I hope everyone will have good fortune in their endeavors in life.


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## Deleted member 2626

I have family so I can’t say I have no one but it starts to sour and yet again I can’t relate. I guess I really onyl can relate to others when I’m in a hole as well. Then I’m back to my anti society and feral ways of thinking which alienate me from everyone. I go through bouts of depression and anxiety too man and I’ve had a good life. . . It just pops up. It should pass. It can take months I’ve been kicking a bout on like 4months and still have little hiccups. But I quit drinking heaviley, no drugs and even quit weed after enjoying two days on it. I smoke a pipe, eat well and drink a lot of teas , a little coffee in the a.m. I also take herbal supplements for anxiety and mood support.


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## Gwasher

killing yourself is pointless and creates more problems. Whos gonna find your body? A kid maybe, your parents? is that fair to put on anyone? My best friend just killed herself bc she thought no on cared for her and she was 100% wrong. I hope you find something that improves your outlook dude. Good luck


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## Katbearfoot

*National Suicide Prevention Lifeline*
We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.

1-800-273-8255
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/


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