# Help me decide wtf to do with my life



## Matt Derrick

So, I don't often ask StP for advice (on non-website matters), I'm not sure why. I could really use some input right now though, since I really feel like i've been plagued by indecision for several months now.

As some of you know I've been working and living in Austin, Texas for the past six months now. Before that I was stuck at my parent's house in washington state for just over a year. So, I haven't really been traveling much in the past two years.

I'm going to be turning 36 soon. My parents keep bugging me about getting a 'real job' and a house/home/apartment and basically some sense of security. I know they're just looking out for me, but it drives me crazy sometimes, since subliminally it's really put a lot of pressure on me and i feel like i'm starting to crack a little. Mostly because of the fear that they might be right?

I don't want to be homeless the rest of my life, and I don't want to be a home bum under some bridge either. Also, I don't want to be that old guy that works at McDonalds. Now, I realize that I'm probably too smart to end up like any of those people, but once my parents started bringing up the fact that i'll be 40 soon (ish) it really started to bug me.

That said, I also don't ever want to stop traveling either. The past year and a half has been hell for me on my worst days, which is why i handed over stp to tude temporarily back in november. I feel like when I'm separated from the traveler / punk / anarcho community i start to lose my mind a little. Besides StP, i really haven't felt that kind of connection in several years.

This has mostly been my own fault, since once i got the idea to do a youtube show about traveling the way we do, i spent several years sacrificing friendships and all kinds of stuff just to go work somewhere to raise money and always come up short in being able to afford the project i wanted to do.

I've finally given up on that idea and moved on to things i will probably have a better chance at achieving, but i still get plagued by indecision almost ever day. this always seems to happen about 6 months in, when i'm somewhere trying to 'temporarily settle down' (aka save up money), and i feel like my disconnect from the travel / anarcho world leads to this weird state of bipolar disorder where i can't control what my life goals are going to be on a daily basis.

one day i'm utterly convinced that saving up for a school bus / short bus / camper van is the way to go, the next it's a terrible idea and i should save up for going to australia, the next im convinced that i should buy a camera and bike across the usa. i feel like i could just classify myself as 'flighty' if it was a new idea every day, but overall it becomes a non-stop cycle of 3-4 core ideas, which makes it much more maddening.

the fucked up part is that when i'm not working or staying in one place, when i'm on the road everything feels 100% clear to me and these bouts of biopolar disorder don't seem to come around anymore. it's only when i'm stuck in one place (usually through my own doing) that i start to cycle through all these ideas for my life over and over and over like an echo chamber, until i feel like my head is going to pop. the fact that i can't seem to make a descision on one particular path in life and stick to it drives me nuts, and leads to me not really doing anything at all, since i'm essentially 'frozen' with indecision, like a deer caught in headlights.

i feel like this is all pretty vague at this point, so if you'll bear with me i'm going to list the ideas i have going on in my head.


giving up on travel life and getting a 'real' job. this is the please my parent's / play it safe option. i only put this here half-jokingly. given my propensity for wandering i know this would never work out.


staying in austin and working to save up for a van / bus to live in. at my current (part time) job, i'm guessing it would take me until at least the end of the year to save enough money for a decent vehicle and fix it up / renovate it.


staying in austin to save up enough money to go travel around australia. again, this would probably take until the end of the year to accomplish. in some ways i've gotten really bored with the usa, so it would really help to get out of the country and go somewhere i'm really interested in. it's highly debatable whether i could make it that long in austin given my current state, but if i was really determined, i might be able to pull it off. 


leaving austin in september to go to the slabs. i'd take my bike with me and bike around southern california for the winter. there's a bunch of stuff i want to see in los angeles before i completely write it off for good. if i get bored of the slabs i could bike out to LA and back, check out some stuff around the salton sea; maybe just relax and forget about things and not worry so much. i'd buy a really nice camera before i left austin to document things and work on my photography. come spring i'd probably bike to new orleans. after that, who knows, i want to travel and document abandoned places while also interviewing anarchists / travelers about their lives and ideals.
All of these options would include working on the book for stp ive always wanted to write (my goal is to finish it by the end of the year), and bringing back the stp podcast. I think the podcast would be more interesting if i was traveling and interviewing people on the road though.

Other random ideas: I'd really like to travel around the UK/Europe and interview squatters and take pictures of their squats. I think this is something I would have to save for next year though. Lastly, i still dream of building a raft and boating down the mississippi, but again that would have to be next year (due to timing with the weather).

If you asked me _today _what i want to do with my life, I'd say spend the next 3-4 months saving money and go out to slab city in september (option 4). maybe after that biking to new orleans and working a little to save up for going to the uk. why the uk instead of my 'top' pick of australia? mainly because it's cheap to get there and i could possibly knock out random idea #1.

of course, yesterday i wanted to buy a conversion van.

anyways, it definitely helps to write this all out, it's pretty therapeutic, and makes me think that maybe #4 is the way to go, but I'd like to hear your opinions on it. what should i do?

also, i know i probably shouldn't be stressing so much, but it's just hard when you have all kinds of things running through your head and no one to bounce them off of. so if you made it through all this thank you!


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## CosmicBrothaCam

Matt doesn't know exactly what to do!?


I thought his holiness spoke DIRECTLY to GOD.
What is real anymore?::sorry::


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## briancray

Matt in many ways my life is similar. I too feel the ideas cycling through my mind and it only happens when I'm settled in one specific location for a certain period of time. It feels bi-polar, but I deal with it. Writing it down always helps me out. I don't think there is anything wrong with not knowing what you want to do with the rest of your life. Shit I think about this everyday. Most people are lost and just stick to the 9-5 career because that's what they were told was the safest option. From what I've read I would go with #4. It sounds inexpensive, you'd be able to cross it off the list after visiting there one last time and go back to work to save up for Europe or Australia, maybe even leave shortly after. Fuck a career man unless it's something you really love doing.


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## CosmicBrothaCam

But honestly Matt I think you KNOW what you really want to do,
hear that? What YOU want to do.
The only thing anyone on here is going to want you to do is whatever it is that YOU want to do.
So there's no point in asking.
You've been on stp too long!
This is LIFE brother and life doesn't send confirmation e-mails


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## JanuaryBell

The nine to five rat race is for chumps. You can still have a career without having to be on some corporate payroll. Do what you really want to do. But since you asked, I would write that book pronto and get it self published (you can easily self publish ebooks). And who knows, you might have enough to both get a van and go abroad to Australia. You don't have to be tied down to a clock to raise the money you need.


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## East

I can't speak for what you want, but all of those ideas sound great. It's nice to have options, but indecision can grow tiring. For me building out my van has been rewarding, I feel like the process is just satisfying, there's always something to improve. You enjoy building out this site in a creative way, so maybe there is some satisfaction in a custom van or bus for you. Of course I'm biased somewhat being a rubber tramp. I'm about to turn 30, imagined societal pressures are pretty much my biggest enemy at this point. They really can create a lot of doubt, but don't forget that it's your life and nobody has to live it but you. I have to agree with Januarybell about the book if you want to start making income streams, it's a good place to start.


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## lone wolf

Matt, the book idea should be your main focus imo. i'm always excited to open one of Matt's threads because you find some of the most interesting topics to bring to StP. if you can put that magic into a book then i would imagine the profits could pay for the rest of your adventures. the slabs might be a great spot to start that book.


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## Kate Westcoast

I feel similar to this at the moment too, and i like your #4 idea the best for obvious reasons...

Il always remember last september when i biked into the slabs, the small duration of my time there my cheeks hurt incredibly from smiling so hard, as hot as it was there i felt extremely at peace, you know yourself its a good place to be

Stagnant life breaks my heart and hurts my soul and i hope that all of us can somehow overcome that one day,

Magic happens outside your comfort zone but then you become comfortable with that and uncomfortable with what used to be comfortable, the idea is to be comfortable with whatever zone youre in

Its a battle 

Just remind yourself each day no matter what you do that youre a fucking bad ass

Its easyd to forget

But your a fucking badass know matter what you do


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## Matt Derrick

thanks everyone, i've actually gotten a few responses that are all across the scale, which is nice, because i feel like i'm not preaching to the choir (or vise versa?). so thanks to everyone for being honest and not just jumping on the 'fuck it go travel' bandwagon 

i agree with those of you saying i should finish the book. i'm working really hard right now on other stp related things in an attempt to clear them off my plate, so i can concentrate on the book. i know it should be on the top of my list, and it's going to be very soon. i honestly think that i have a lot to say, and i'm really looking forward to getting all my thoughts and tips and tactics down into one resource that i think could really help a lot of people.

so, having the opportunity to do that in slab city is looking like a really good option since i could relax for a while without distractions and get that done.

i keep having to remind myself that even though im middle aged, it's not like i don't have (theoretically) another 20-30 years ahead of me, so there's plenty to time to do all the things i want to do in life, but i've always treated life like i was going to die tomorrow kinda thing, which usually works as a positive motivator (for me) but lately has probably contributed towards me putting way too much pressure on myself.



lone wolf said:


> if you can put that magic into a book then i would imagine the profits could pay for the rest of your adventures.



i've had similar thoughts (dreams?) about the timeline all matching up so that the book did pay for at least one of those things. man, that would be amazing. of course, the only way to know is to try i suppose 



East said:


> I'm about to turn 30, imagined societal pressures are pretty much my biggest enemy at this point.



exactly! it's such bullshit, i mean i really just want to shave my head and tattoo my skull/hands/face and fuckin do whatever i want but society is always sitting there, judging. even on simple shit like 'why don't you have a car/house/kids yet' type of garbage that everyone in society expects you to have at our age.

one of the other things i forgot to mention is that i feel like it gets harder to find a partner the older you get since a lot of women are married or have kids by this point and you're kind of looked down upon if you don't. or some women think you're a weirdo for not having those things and a career and all... and i know i shouldn't care because those women are not the people i'm looking for but it's just one of those societal pressures that's always wispering to you submliminally. maybe it's from a lifetime of advertising, but nobody wants to die alone cause the thought of that is scary and it's just one more thing that's feels like it's designed to "keep you in line" in a way.



Kate Westcoast said:


> Just remind yourself each day no matter what you do that youre a fucking bad ass
> 
> Its easyd to forget
> 
> But your a fucking badass know matter what you do



thank you, i seriously shed a tear on that. i mean i get emails and people telling me i'm awesome for making stp and all that, which is great, but it doesn't give me a big head, which is good, but it always kind of flies away really quickly and i start to forget, and i don't often think to myself 'gee i'm awesome' or anything (more like, 'what the hell is wrong with me?'), but it's nice to hear someone say so. makes me feel like i'm not always so alone and maybe i'm not a *complete* wingnut


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## Killjoy

Become a trucker maybe? Buy your own rig after some time of working for a company with a contract. Work and still travel. Buy that nice rig, its your new home, and get more money owning your own truck. I personally might do that route one day. Oh and you might have room to put a bicycle on the rig as well.


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## Andrea Van Scoyoc

God, I feel like a half-dead crone when I read about all you "yungins'" complaining about how old you're getting and the things you want to do, when all of you are vets at doing what I'm just now, contemplating starting!

@JanuaryBell ...the rat race _is_ for chumps. I know, I speak from experience. I worked in corporate America for 30 years and what do I have to show for it?

Two mortgages on a house that will never be paid for.

The "American Dream," is dead and not coming back.

Living free is the way to be. So...with that said, I have to go with number 2, as I can understand that one. That's my plan, too.

When I hit the gypsy trail, I plan to live on the road, traveling from festival to festival.

Whatever you decide, Matt, best of luck. But seriously, y'all stop talking about how old you're getting, before I smack you. 

Ha ha...


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## Brother X

"A technique attributed to Sigmund Freud to help in making difficult decisions is to toss a coin not actually to determine the decision, but to clarify the decision-maker's feelings. He explained: "I did not say you should follow blindly what the coin tells you. What I want you to do is to note what the coin indicates. Then look into your own reactions. Ask yourself: Am I pleased? Am I disappointed? That will help you to recognize how you really feel about the matter, deep down inside. With that as a basis, you'll then be ready to make up your mind and come to the right decision."


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## RovingAnarchist

Now, I'm pretty much just making shit up off the top of my head, and I don't know if this is how it works. BUT. Have you considered doing a treatment/pilot about your documentary idea for Discovery/TLC/any of those other crappy networks that run reality tv? They love weird shit- TLC seems to run nothing but My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding some days. They would go absolutely crazy if they found a way to get footage about travellers/nomads/anarchists. Admittedly, they would edit it to make us look like morons. However, it would at least prove the point on a national level that we aren't bomb-throwing terrorists like the news makes out. Since you are an "expert" on this subject, you already have a name and good reputation in the community, it gives you a foot in the door for a project like that.

(Did I just commit a sin, suggesting that any of this world belongs on TV? It's only that we all know the collapse is coming, and I find it necessary to tell as many people as possible that there are other options.)


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## landpirate

I feel like you crawled inside my head and stole all my thoughts. It's great and almost debilitating having so many options. 

My thoughts are, do something that you will 100% enjoy and is affordable the quickest. Then when you're on a high from that you can slog your guts for 6 months working and get the cash together to travel to australia/europe/UK or wherever. Then have a sit down and a reassess...Don't buy a van if you're going to leave the country as it'll just sit rotting or you'll have to sell it. 

I don't get your age panic, we're fairly similar ages and I just don't get the worry. We could die tomorrow or we could live for another 40 years. Wouldn't you rather chug along doing whatever the hell you wanted now and settle down if/when the time is right, not because you or others think it's what you should be doing. I know people in their 60's doing the stuff on your list of things you want to do. 

With regards to earning money, it doesn't have to be the 9-5 working for someone else. Its hard work but doing stuff for yourself is so much more rewarding. Write that book, it might be the financial making of you, who know's? 

Whatever you choose, it doesn't have to be forever. You can change your mind.

ps. go to the slabs then i can come visit


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## Andrea Van Scoyoc

Yep...I had that idea too, but had the same fear, they'd make us look like a bunch of unwashed, lice ridden lepers of society.

Nice to know I'm not the only one committing psychic sin, with my thoughts... ::


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## RovingAnarchist

I suppose that with Matt at the helm, that would be less likely to happen. We'd still look crazy, that's what those shows do. Upside of that being most of us are a little crazy and admit it openly. I figure looking like a wingnut is a small price to pay for getting the word out to people suffering the American Nightmare™ that there are better ways to live.


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## wizehop

Firstly dude, what your doing with STP is a pretty big deal. I'd say bigger than any 9-5 job, especially as the site grows into a truly international space. This stuff here is some life's work type shit, if you know what I'm saying. As the leader of a worldly site, its probably a good idea to be worldly as well. So its in everyone's best interest here, to have you mobile.


Everything you are working on can be done from anywhere in the world, including your book. You have a lot of skill/knowledge in regards to websites/coding and such, so it would be a waist to go get some faceless job for some faceless company, and be stuck in one place to boot. Travelling globally isn't as expensive as people like to think it is, save for the odd plane ticket, otherwise depending on how you live you can do it on next to nothing...and fuck you got connections through this site anyhow, so it shouldn't be hard.

Man you know you want to travel, where ever the fuck that may be is secondary. The question is how to pay for it. I think the answer lies with something online. That way you can travel, make coin and spend it where ever you are. I know STP is anti add, but maybe your podcast can be run outside of STP and have a little add revenue. Or maybe there are other options where you can make coin via the internet....new silk road maybe 
I know capitalism takes a bit away from communities but fuck man you gotta live, you gotta eat, you gotta create, it all costs money. You cant do any of that when your stuck in one place that's depressing you and your struggling to pay for shit.

Anyways man, I guess all that to say, travel and look for some kind of online revenue stream to pave the way. If you need to save up for the first plane ticket, then spend a few months killing it and set a date.


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## DaisyDoom

I think biking around and photography sounds like the best plan. That and working on your book and podcasts...I would love to see more of those. That way you still leave yourself open to pretty much whatever and you are traveling AND being productive. 
You can bike to South America...just sayin.


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## Matt Derrick

Killjoy said:


> Become a trucker maybe? Buy your own rig after some time of working for a company with a contract. Work and still travel. Buy that nice rig, its your new home, and get more money owning your own truck. I personally might do that route one day. Oh and you might have room to put a bicycle on the rig as well.



thank you for the suggestion. i've considered it a few times in my life, but to be 100% honest the last thing i need to be doing now is sitting on my ass eating fast food all the time. i'm overweight as it is, and i'm trying really hard to live a healthier lifestyle.



Andrea Van Scoyoc said:


> Whatever you decide, Matt, best of luck. But seriously, y'all stop talking about how old you're getting, before I smack you.



haha i know, it's all relative. and reading your comment makes me think how comical it is that i'm worrying so much at this age, but again i think it's just part of those socilogical pressures society puts on us.



RovingAnarchist said:


> Now, I'm pretty much just making shit up off the top of my head, and I don't know if this is how it works. BUT. Have you considered doing a treatment/pilot about your documentary idea for Discovery/TLC/any of those other crappy networks that run reality tv? They love weird shit- TLC seems to run nothing but My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding some days. They would go absolutely crazy if they found a way to get footage about travellers/nomads/anarchists. Admittedly, they would edit it to make us look like morons. However, it would at least prove the point on a national level that we aren't bomb-throwing terrorists like the news makes out. Since you are an "expert" on this subject, you already have a name and good reputation in the community, it gives you a foot in the door for a project like that.
> 
> (Did I just commit a sin, suggesting that any of this world belongs on TV? It's only that we all know the collapse is coming, and I find it necessary to tell as many people as possible that there are other options.)



i've considered it, but you really need to have something going first before someone will want to turn it into a show (ongoing youtube channel, a pilot, etc). i've been approached by several producers to do some kind of show, one even came out to film me and my friends while we were sailing around key west, but after a year or two nothing ever panned out even after they shopped around the idea for a while. so at that point i set out to do it by myself.



landpirate said:


> I feel like you crawled inside my head and stole all my thoughts.



i'm definitely glad i'm not the only one, make me think maybe i'm not _totally _bonkers 



landpirate said:


> My thoughts are, do something that you will 100% enjoy and is affordable the quickest. Then when you're on a high from that you can slog your guts for 6 months working and get the cash together to travel to australia/europe/UK or wherever. Then have a sit down and a reassess...Don't buy a van if you're going to leave the country as it'll just sit rotting or you'll have to sell it.



i think that's some of the best advice ive gotten just because it's so straight forward, thank you 

i have a plan along these lines that i think will work which i'll talk about in a minute.



landpirate said:


> I don't get your age panic, we're fairly similar ages and I just don't get the worry. We could die tomorrow or we could live for another 40 years. Wouldn't you rather chug along doing whatever the hell you wanted now and settle down if/when the time is right, not because you or others think it's what you should be doing. I know people in their 60's doing the stuff on your list of things you want to do.



i think it's largely my parents, you know, i mean i love my mom and my dad can be a bit of a dick but i think it's just kinda ingrained into me (and probably most people) that i don't want to disappoint them. so it's hard when what i want to do in life is something that they'll probably never understand and having to come to terms with them not liking it is going to be a little rough i guess.

i sincerely hope i'm still rocking the world as hard when i'm in my 60's.



wizehop said:


> Firstly dude, what your doing with STP is a pretty big deal. I'd say bigger than any 9-5 job, especially as the site grows into a truly international space. This stuff here is some life's work type shit, if you know what I'm saying. As the leader of a worldly site, its probably a good idea to be worldly as well. So its in everyone's best interest here, to have you mobile.



I've been thinking the same thing, but kept trying to 'settle down' temporarily to raise money for ideas and projects that were a bit beyond my reach. I was also plagued with a pretty severe lack of focus in terms of what i wanted to do with my life and StP in general. I feel like working through all this in the past year or so has solidified the fact that StP and the community around it is what I should be focused on, and I think that's going to take the form of just me running around the usa/world documenting various parts of the travel punk / anarcho punk world, basically all the little parts that make up StP.

i definitely feel more alive and active, and like i'm doing the right thing when i'm out and about rather than just sitting in one place, so yeah, mobile is best.



wizehop said:


> Man you know you want to travel, where ever the fuck that may be is secondary. The question is how to pay for it. I think the answer lies with something online. That way you can travel, make coin and spend it where ever you are. I know STP is anti add, but maybe your podcast can be run outside of STP and have a little add revenue.



Yeah, if the podcast is successful, I wouldn't feel bad about ads for other cool projects or just plugging the donation button every once in a while. Also, writing the book could possibly finance going to australia... so here's the new plan I'm pretty much set on (thanks to you all  )

I'm going with option #4. I'm already preparing to leave austin at the end of september, and i'm using my time until then to get all the technical stuff related to StP off my plate, so when I get to Slab City I can concentrate solely on writing and the podcast. I'm also going to save money so I can get a Sony a7 still camera, which is expensive, but i'm really hoping will take my photography to a new epic level.

I've planned out my spending so that i'll have a bit of money to live off of while writing the book, (which won't take much since I don't have many vices these days) and I'll get food stamps when I get there.

I'm setting a goal for myself to finish the book by the end of 2015. That thought both excites and frightens me since it means I need to start dedicating myself to making this a reality, which is going to take a lot of hard work, but work that I'm really looking forward to. If I can make enough money selling copies next year to finance further travels, well, all the better. If not, at least I'll have one of those major 'life bucket list' items (write a book) finally off my list and I'll figure things out from there.

So yeah, I just wanted to respond to everyone that replied and thank you for all the good advice. It really helps to have some like-minded folks to bounce ideas off of, if for no other reason than to make sure I'm not totally crazy. So thank you all for helping me with this decision, it was a huge help to both me and StP


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## Durp

Matt, chill dude. I get that way too (check out the mixture of half completed threads I have) I'm glad you are going to the slabs, but maybe you should get some online cert for front end development so you can travel around and make a global tour of WiFi coffee shops to work a few hours a day to fund the journey? stp is one hell of a portfolio piece.


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## Primitive

http://theanarchistlibrary.org/category/topic/anti-work

I was a skinhead for 10 years, of course all "working class" this and that. Fuck that shit i had nothin to show for it at the end, and ill tell you what else never been happier and have more to show for it now that im willfully unemployed. First time i got my license, first time i got my own car, first time ive been able to eat at restaraunts everyday and do whatever i feel like. i make more money now than i ever have, and ive come to the conclusion that not only do you live this life once, but when someone else is making more of a profit off of your labor than you are, thats slavery. Someones getting cheated and used, and that someone is YOU!


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## Primitive

And yes im a rare anomily... my skinhead retirement plan wasnt pyschobilly, but crusty. Go figure, well hey i started hangin out and drinkin with san jose skullfux gutter punks when i was 15. Back to my roots that introduced me to subcultures in the first place i guess.


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## Matt Derrick

Primitive said:


> http://theanarchistlibrary.org/category/topic/anti-work
> 
> I was a skinhead for 10 years, of course all "working class" this and that. Fuck that shit i had nothin to show for it at the end, and ill tell you what else never been happier and have more to show for it now that im willfully unemployed. First time i got my license, first time i got my own car, first time ive been able to eat at restaraunts everyday and do whatever i feel like. i make more money now than i ever
> 
> have, and ive come to the conclusion that not only do you live this life once, but when someone else is making more of a profit off of your labor than you are, thats slavery. Someones getting cheated and used, and that someone is YOU!



what i'm curious about is how you can afford to eat at restaurants every day and not have a job.



Primitive said:


> i make more money now than i ever have,



i really hope you're not talking about spanging, because:



Primitive said:


> when someone else is making more of a profit off of your labor than you are, thats slavery



you're perpetuating the same slavery on someone else by mooching off the middle class/poor.

also, i feel like the only part of my post you actually read was the part about working. not what i was working _for_, etc... which makes me think you missed the whole point of this thread.

forgive me if this post sounds agro, i just woke up and i'm currently going through my caffeine enema.


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## Primitive

And i was drunk last night too haha but obviously we're all forced to live under capitalism. I dont see how it at all perpetuates slavery onto other people however, but one common argument is that im "living off of other people" or "other peoples slave labor". Which is really quite ironic if someone bothered to take a look around them and ask what sweatshops their clothes were made in, how many casualties of genocide did it take to get that gasoline, how many indigenous communities were destroyed to aquire those metals, coal, natural gas, minerals, etc. Ceo's, boards of directors, and shareholders are the biggest mooches on the planet, yet people only get mad when poor people are doing it. However i dont really "beg" i fly funny signs, laugh with people, chat with them, brighten up the morning or evening and smile. But ive seperated myself from this society, id rather have no part of it, id rather live freely among unpolluted rivers and forests abundant with life amongst small tribes or communities, but that would be somewhat escapism i think in todays day and age. Im just wandering wastelands, virtual deserts, amongst people living in their own graves under skyscraper tombstones. Wondering what i can contribute to help bring it all down one day, not help it thrive. I dont see it at all as someone else does, because i feel too disconnected with this culture to care. All i care about is ive found a way to escape wage slavery without risking prison time. Something few people can say theyve done.


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## Primitive

I also forgot to mention that considering we all live off of other people in ways that are invisibly brutal, obviously the way which i do is hardly comparable because at least the people i live off of flying signs have a choice in the matter. Im sure you understand and get what im saying, however when people question me about it and i reply with intelligent reasoning behind what i do its like they shut off and cant believe im actually fully justifying it. Lol this song kind of expresses my state of mind in regards to the "moral" deterring people attempt to inculcate me with when it comes to the way i make a hustle outside of wage slavery haha


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## Matt Derrick

well, this is definitely a subject for another thread; that said, i'm not saying everyone _shouldn't _spange, but if you're not doing it for the right reasons you're not much better than a capitalist. other people had to work for the beer you buy or the clothes on your back, or for you to be able to travel somewhere.

and frankly if you're spanging for any other reason besides trying to eat, you're not spanging for the right reasons. sorry, but it's the truth most dirty kids don't want to hear. you're not 'opting out' of society, you're taking advantage of people's kindness that aren't that much better off than you.


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## East

I know what you mean about relationships, age and whatnot, like every last one I've had turned out to fizzle somehow. Just kind of accepted being single without much of a qualm these days. I hope I can remain content with this mindset. In retrospect I can't help but feel like I derive way more pleasure living single than I do in a relationship. There's something about my personality that makes me dwindle quite a bit in relationships. I always feel like I'm losing part of who I am and I have no idea why. I'm still open to the idea that I'll click someday with someone and won't feel that way, and in any case I wouldn't be opposed to it- but for now I have a strong preference for friendships and nothing more. Those women with ideas in their head full of judgement about different lifestyles alien to theirs (or opposed to status quo) aren't much different than the majority. You're definitely right in that there is no future with that kind of person. If there was I'd imagine it to be nothing short of a soul crushing experience. Pretty much weeded out most people that would put a judgement on me for being single. At least the ones that I know of. Just don't be convinced the pool is shrinking and relationships are becoming completely out of reach, there's always going to be people looking for something new, no matter their age.


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## Primitive

Sorry to have put this thread slightly off topic, but my point was anyone who would say its wrong to live off of other peoples hard work the way i do to do, should take a look at the resources they themselves use on a daily basis. We all live off of the suffering, poverty, genocide, subjegation, exploitation, and true slave labor of people in 3rd world countries and indigenous communities. Virtually all resources here in this country has blood or unimaginable suffering underneath its nice packaging. The only difference is the people who give me money have a choice. Its really the pot calling the kettle black, our whole foundation of this culture we're forced to live under is inevitably just that living off of the hard work (and even worse murder and suffering) of other people. i also fly a sign that says bet u cant hit me with a quarter which is neutural on any promises where my money goes, so i do make sure im honest however.


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## mightyb

thank you matt sorry if this doesnt help but thank you for this site


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## Rob Nothing

you are just getting into your prime and as you say you have a good 20-30 years of what is likely to be your best work. 

I would only keep in mind that travel is hard on your body and you age a lot quicker, especially in those periods there is little-no money and you are living off almost nothing. now is the perfect time to be planning for that - setting yourself up so that you won't have to worry about that shit so much later on and be able to focus on your core ideas and knocking them down at your own pace.

your parents have the best advice. settling down to establish roots and build money... but we can't and we won't. not as long as there are worlds out there left unexplored / documented, right? 
but you didn't come to us with this for advice so much as to give these things voice and more tangibility. 

and fwiw man I can relate to the dear in the headlights thing. frozen in place by all the directions I would go at once if at once they could all be gone to. too many ideas burning through my head and all just steps away. they say the trick to success is to go one way and stick with it, but that is success and success is relative.


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## RovingGale

Dude, I may be new around here and primarily a lurker, but I just wanted to tell you that this site has been an amazing lifeline at times for me, in just the short time I've been hanging out here. I totally get you on the not being able to sit still and concentrate on things when you're in one place for too long - while I've not been legitly traveling for too long, I also haven't lived a full year in a single place since before I finished high school, it just doesn't work for me.

That said, while it looks like you picked out what your plan is and I hope it works out well, lemme throw a thing that I've been using and have found to be super effective for myself in my semi-nomadic lifestyle. I have a bank account that I've set up so it's easy for me to transfer money into but a stone bitch to get money out of. I use it for mostly taxes, since I work as an independent contractor and it means I always have enough to pay when tax time rolls around, but it also means that I've been slowly building savings to use when I need a change of pace. Because I can't see it easily or access it easily, I don't remember it's there unless something major comes up and I'm not tempted to use it on things that I could work out a better way to get or could really do without. I'm about to clean out the portion not dedicated to paying the man and keeping me out of jail for tax fraud to get a vehicle that I can live in, and if I'd not had this account sitting here for the last several years I'd not be able to do it. So maybe that's a thing that might work for you - do your thing and, whenever you think about it, dump a few bucks into the account. Then when you hit this place of wanting a change of pace and feeling kinda stuck again in a few years you'll be able to buy a van and go rubbertramping instead of having to look forward to several months stuck in one place in order to be able to do what you want.

Finally, I can't freaking wait to see the StP book! I hope you manage to rock it and can get it published and out there. *grins*


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## Anagor

Matt Derrick said:


> Other random ideas: I'd really like to travel around the UK/Europe and interview squatters and take pictures of their squats. I think this is something I would have to save for next year though. Lastly, i still dream of building a raft and boating down the mississippi, but again that would have to be next year (due to timing with the weather).



Being from Europe I think that's a great idea!

Otherwise I would suggest option 4.



Andrea Van Scoyoc said:


> God, I feel like a half-dead crone when I read about all you "yungins'" complaining about how old you're getting and the things you want to do, when all of you are vets at doing what I'm just now, contemplating starting!



LOL. Yeah, I'm 41 and did my first backpacking trip last year. Before I was never away from home for more than one night, besides a few one-week excursions at school long time ago.



Andrea Van Scoyoc said:


> ...the rat race _is_ for chumps. I know, I speak from experience. I worked in corporate America for 30 years and what do I have to show for it?



I have similar thoughts, yes.




landpirate said:


> My thoughts are, do something that you will 100% enjoy and is affordable the quickest. Then when you're on a high from that you can slog your guts for 6 months working and get the cash together to travel to australia/europe/UK or wherever. Then have a sit down and a reassess...Don't buy a van if you're going to leave the country as it'll just sit rotting or you'll have to sell it.



Second that.



landpirate said:


> I don't get your age panic, we're fairly similar ages and I just don't get the worry. We could die tomorrow or we could live for another 40 years. Wouldn't you rather chug along doing whatever the hell you wanted now and settle down if/when the time is right, not because you or others think it's what you should be doing. I know people in their 60's doing the stuff on your list of things you want to do.



Yep.



wizehop said:


> Firstly dude, what your doing with STP is a pretty big deal. I'd say bigger than any 9-5 job, especially as the site grows into a truly international space.



Couldn't agree more ...


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## Durp

I think the biggest problem is you picked your target audience to be us, a bunch of dead beat broke fucks that don't respond well to advertising. Build some other site about some bullshit targeting yuppies that you can make advertising revenue off of?


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## Nelco

I feel this on so many levels. I'm thinking a short bus too.
I don't want to do college or goals of that likeness and I don't want to get old in a ditch later and I've actually been looking into Austin also. We just all need our own country that a barge does drops of junk too ever so often.


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## Nelco

Let me know if the slabs are decent or if Austin is better, if ya don't mind. I'm relocating next year. I thought the slabs would be good due to apocalyptic weather and the fact that it's the last free place I know ohere...trying to pick a good place for a little one.


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## Matt Derrick

Nelco said:


> Let me know if the slabs are decent or if Austin is better, if ya don't mind. I'm relocating next year. I thought the slabs would be good due to apocalyptic weather and the fact that it's the last free place I know ohere...trying to pick a good place for a little one.



when you have a kid, austin is clearly a better choice. as much as i like the slabs, i wouldn't want my kid growing up there.


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## Nelco

K...scratch the slabs off.
On the list is so-cal, Portland and Austin...the west coast is taking a beating from mother nature so I've been back and forth. See you in Austin some time next year if that's where we go later.


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## CelticWanderer

it seems like alot of people are stuggling with this right now. My two cents, even when we're bummin it we're still apart of the system, we're just on the lowest end of the foodchain. The only reason someone could give you money is becuase they worked for it. So, find something you enjoy working at and makde money doing it. Work for a while take a while off, rinse and repeat and try to be okay dying at 50.Thats what im doing any way. I think i've posted this on a bunch of threads but its like being in a bow and arrow and ur the arrow. you get drawn back working and ur tense as fuck but once you have what you need you get shot into the wild blue till you gotta get picked up and put into the bow again. I dunno, im drunk. Hope your feelin beter.


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## Nelco

I wouldn't mind hearing Dax Riggs more since he moved to Austin. Good luck Matt.


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## Mankini

Heres what I did. I was working construction at Temps while living in the woodz, after deciding that paying exorbitant amounts for rent and bills was foolhardy and futile. But then I discovered online college courses: sign up, sign up for student loans, and youre set! I immediately went to Belgium, then all over Western Europe. All you gotta do with online courses is stay fairly close to wifi so you can submit assignments once or twice a week.

Okay the bus thing is another great idea. Why? No rent; move when you want to; go where you want to when you want to. Women? Women love FREE men-that is why owning a motorcycle, having long hair, and playing guitar/singing are the 3 most important things sometimes. Yes, many want Ward Cleaver/suburbs/middle class existence/minivans. But many are free themselves and want a fellow free person.

And last but not least, sometimes building something of substance draws others. Don't think small: think grandiose! Fill the bus with likeminded people. Move here; move there. In the beginning tribes and chiefs moved around and cultures were founded. Cultures.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merry_Pranksters


Romanticism was for pirates. adventurers. Marco Polo. Arctic explorers. Astronauts.

It is not for humdrum strip mall America.


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## milkhauler

voodoochile76 said:


> Heres what I did. I was working construction at Temps while living in the woodz, after deciding that paying exorbitant amounts for rent and bills was foolhardy and futile. But then I discovered online college courses: sign up, sign up for student loans, and youre set! I immediately went to Belgium, then all over Western Europe. All you gotta do with online courses is stay fairly close to wifi so you can submit assignments once or twice a week.
> 
> Okay the bus thing is another great idea. Why? No rent; move when you want to; go where you want to when you want to. Women? Women love FREE men-that is why owning a motorcycle, having long hair, and playing guitar/singing are the 3 most important things sometimes. Yes, many want Ward Cleaver/suburbs/middle class existence/minivans. But many are free themselves and want a fellow free person.
> 
> And last but not least, sometimes building something of substance draws others. Don't think small: think grandiose! Fill the bus with likeminded people. Move here; move there. In the beginning tribes and chiefs moved around and cultures were founded. Cultures.
> 
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merry_Pranksters
> 
> 
> Romanticism was for pirates. adventurers. Marco Polo. Arctic explorers. Astronauts.
> 
> It is not for humdrum strip mall America.


Not to jack Matt's thread, but I feel ya. I've been living in my big rig for the last 18 months. Its a company trk and my boss is cool my situation. At the terminal I have my own room, wifi, shower, and they leave the ac on 24-7. All free of charge. The perks balance out the shit pay.

I will sleep under a bridge before I go back to being a bill slave. Fuck landlords and greedy creditors. I believe in a creator and thus believe we were all created to be free. When you have a stack of bills, those creaditors own a certain percentage of your freedom. 

Sent From The Future


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## Ande1968

Join a harvest crew, 6 years ago I walked out of a fortune 50 company, Joined a harvesting company and that allowed me to focus on me for awhile, no decisions just drove a combine for 5 month and harvested farmers fields across the belt all the way into Canada, was prepping for the Australian harvest next. If your experienced they need operators and pay your travel, pay your food, pay your housing you can bank every bit of it and have cash to do whatever with.

Even have an opportunity to go to Aussieland.

First thing I have to ask is do you have a passport, if your planning and want to do something you have to prepare. No passport no Aussieland, no Canada, no Mexico. I know folks arer going to comment and say bullshit, I say okay risk it, walking across the border is one thing. Booking a flight to Autralia you can not do without a passport.

Rubber tramping in a bus/van/rv doesn't matter it's all the same. You need fuel, Insurance and tags/inspections. Plus the proverbial holy shit moment of a breakdown.

If you want more you have to plan it out and make the call. This is where I think all of us part ways we want to do something new and different however we have to fund it. Please tell me you have monetized this site in some manner and you are not just taking donations?

Please tell me that others on this site understand when you do travel and leave this site that it will not run itself? 
This is a fantastic site and it is wonderful to join and communicate with others this is a resource that will be used for years to come. if someone does not maintain it with your passion it will not survive. You know this. 
Are you sure this is not what you were meant for, to build this environment and take it to the next level. 
Please tell me you have a plan.


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## Ande1968

By the way a combine driver can make 3K a month for a 6 month season.


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## Mankini

Timothy Leary was a hero and great man in my estimation: However, he suffered bouts of self doubt and existential angst like any other person:

"[I was] ...an anonymous institutional employee who drove to work each morning in a long line of commuter cars and drove home each night and drank martinis ... like several million middle-class, liberal, intellectual robots."


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## Deleted member 13433

Matt, I've jumped from your initial post straight to here, so sincere appologizes if this has already been brought up.

If you want to live on the road - or I should say - if I had wanted to live on the road and travel - I would have gotten my tractor trailer license and somehow bought a tractor with a sleeper cab [I know, they ain't exactly cheap] and then get paid to travel while hauling trailers cross country - or where ever....

Since it would be your tractor, you could set up up as you like.

Now, on the other hand, I have a friend who driver big rigs - but does not own his tractor, but he still loves being out on the road, not too mention that if he breaks down - the company takes care of him.

Truck drivers do a tremendous service - as do rail operators.
They transport our goods, food, etc......

Matt, if you are still being pressured to "get a real job", I'd consider if being a long distance truck driver would suit your needs.

By the way - and this goes for everyone - don't think that getting that great job and home etc.... is going to make you a happy camper.

As a friend once told me - actually, she mused about it here on STP - her parents pretty much forced [maybe that'snot the right word] her to go to school to get a real job, then she found out she needed a real job to pay her loans, and was not really any better or worse - actually I'd say worse - because she lost her freedom.

I wanted to get a good secure job - so I could build a killer recording studio, which I did... all tape based.

I spent well over 25 years getting it together.

I'm now well past my sell by date, and all I can think about is selling/giving everything away, having some one drive my canoe [that's on a trailer] packed with my gear, way way up north - where I can live a very simple life completely free of the so called modern ways of living.

So I'd go the truck driver route.

You get to travel, do good, and even make a little money and have a roof over your head that's completely mobile - and legal.


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## FlyingTomato

I apologize, I also just sort of skipped to the end and wrote down what I was thinking.

I think it's cool you posted this. I feel like you're sort of hitting on a concern a lot of us have. I know how you feel.. My parents feel the same way about me and my choices. At times I worry that perhaps they're right, and then I have a serious inner conflict because their advice is good for achieving the kind of life they live, and that's not the kind of life I want. I've done both. I've traveled for over a year and I've gotten myself a big girl desk job and I always come down on the side of being more content traveling. It's that same effect people describe when they hike for extended periods of time. Removing yourself from the day-to-day obscurities of normal life validates what is truly important to you. We are all very different on here, but I think one thing that really brings us together is the idea that life as it's being offered to us, (by our parents, corporations, the media, so on...) is not something we can accept for whatever reasons, (mental health, intolerance of gender, inability to peaceably exist in that oppressive framework, so on...). Sometimes being the only one flying a freak flag in town gets lonely, but never let it go. It will give you something to look forward to and in my experience, it gives others like you encouragement. Life should be a little crusty. Messy is good for creativity and innovation. I found especially when I've been settled somewhere for awhile, I feel the world pushing back against me and my ways, suffocated by passive-aggressive emails, stuffy office relations and useless cog in the work force expectations. The people I meet like me are like lights guiding the way. When I find another traveler I find ease and peace again and I feel like I can be myself. Even if I don't know them, I know we share something fundamentally important.

My thoughts regarding what you should do next: (I realize you have a lot more experience than I do, so I apologize if some of this is fairly obvious to you.)
1. No way. For all the reasons above and so many more.
2. This sounds like a great plan, but a little safe and time consuming. I think you should totally do it, but maybe at a later time when you can spare more patience and are less conflicted about it. It will take time to save money, time to renovate, and then you'll pretty much be stuck driving around the US, which you've said isn't appealing to you at the moment. Also, considering all the other great ideas you have, (Europe, the Mississippi River) I think those should come first. Being tied to a van is sometimes a little cumbersome.
3. This sounds like a really freakin cool idea! If you can make it to save up the money, you should do this. Spending some time abroad will give you some new ideas, new supporters, and will just be plain fun. Sometimes we all get grounded for awhile while we save up for the next adventure. It's hard, but I haven't ever had a subsequent adventure that wasn't worth the wait.
4. This also sounds like a cool idea, I'd probably choose this if you can't save the funds to go to Australia. I'm all about the bike touring anarchist filming idea and it might give you something new to go on. Should you choose this option, I am in Southern California and would be happy to hang out/explore with you anytime, (Also planning to be down at the Slabs for the Jambo)!

You seem pretty intelligent and resourceful. I don't think you'll ever get "stuck" being homeless if you don't want to be. It seems like the normal world tries to fill our heads with worries about living a counter life style to deter us from starting or committing, but should we ever come crawling back we are reabsorbed and neutralized again pretty quick. That's kind of an issue I worry about sometimes too, but I realize that truly great things are never achieved standing on solid ground. Shaky ground has more character and makes for better stories anyway. You shouldn't be so worried about accomplishments. Taoists believe it is the journey, not the marked achievement that generates fulfillment. If when you travel you like your journey, that is the answer. That being said, what you do here is a HUGE accomplishment for this community, and I'm sure we are all very grateful to you for it (I know I am). Anyway...hope at least some of that helped a little....


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## JamesPrice94

I am going through the same indecisions about life, and the fact that what I want seems so different from everyone else, especially parents/family. Surprisingly I read a book called "zorba the greek" and it helped me calm my over thinking and analyzing mind. Maybe check it out if you got free time, its an entertaining read. As for your options, I'd say number 4 sounds pretty good to me. Maybe give yourself a deadline, like 48hours to think about it more, write down pro/cons of your options then chose and stick to the option you've determined is beat at the point?


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## Matt Derrick

so i was feeling a little bit lost again today, and i was going to post another one of these threads, but I went back to this one and read some of the responses that I somehow missed (@FlyingTomato you were especially helpful thank you!) and I decided to just post an update and how I'm feeling about things right now.

life is always changing, so i'll start with what's different since my initial post. i decided to go with option #4, go to the slabs, hang out, do the jamboree, and write my book. this idea made me the happiest picturing it, and it was also the one that cost me the least amount of money.

i talked to my parents and let them know what my plans were, and they were pretty good about it. in a way they've come to accept that i'm not going to have the exact life they thought/hoped i would in terms of career, but that they would be happier if they knew I had some kind of plan or financial security. so my dad has been pushing the online learning angle, specifically towards linux sysadmin stuff since there's a few different programs that are cheap and give a good education in that field.

at first i was okay with that, as long as i could put it off until after i finished my book, and that seemed to work for my dad at least. actually, once i started talking about the book he really seemed to get into the idea and wants me to come out for xmas (in washington) so he can help me market my book (he knows a lot about that kind of stuff) but that it would take about 2 months at least to go through that whole process.

now i know logically that i should jump at the opportunity to live with free room and board, and i know my dad knows a lot of things that would help my book quite a bit, and that it would also make my mother happy (to have me around) but the idea of going back there is immensely depressing to me. i left their house about nine months ago, and i still feel like i just left.

not to mention that i literally gained 30 lbs staying there for a year (it was originally only supposed to me a few weeks or a month) and nearly lost my damn mind from the isolation of where they live (i don't have any friends there, and it's remote enough that there's nothing to do). so the thought of going back there terrifies me, because i know the kinds of bad habits i develop there (sitting around a lot, eating bad food, not doing anything productive). basically all the bad things i'm trying to train out of myself right now.

my parents aren't bad people, they just live a life of quiet sedentarism that they think is great (they're retired), but is quite possibly the worst environment ever for someone that's trying to lose weight, get healthy and do more with their life.

so... the other option i've been considering (keep in mind all this is AFTER the jambo) is taking some time off, writing my book, and doing some long distance bike touring.

it's funny how writing things out helps sometimes. i'm pretty sure i'm not going to go to my parent's house but rather bike to new orleans instead. i've been wanting to do a bike tour somewhere that doesn't suck for a long time now, and biking has always been my favorite form of exercise. I've also be really struggling with my diet and trying to be healthier this year.

to make things worse, i went to the hospital (on my fucking birthday of all days) because i woke up with a lot of weird abdominal pain and a LOT of blood in my poop. the blood in my poop/shit/stool/whatever thing had been going on for about a week and had happened a few times throughout my life, but never this bad before, so i went to the ER. they basically said i'm okay, but probably have some internal hemorrhoids that are causing intestinal bleeding.

fortunately, that sounds a lot worse than it is. long story short, it was being caused by a lifetime of sitting on my ass working in front of computers nearly 24/7. so now i have to _seriously _start looking at changing an entire lifetime of bad habits. eating garbage (pizza and ice cream) and sitting around on the computer waaaay damn too much.

so now i'm looking at having to completely change my life around, and ironically the career that i think my parents would like me to have (because frankly, i'm good at it) is possibly the worst thing i can do to myself right now.

also, i'm terrible at the exercise thing (i'm currently doing a lot of reading on what to eat and how to exercise). it's something im going to get better at, but in the meantime, i do love biking, so i think it's time to combine my love of travel, with biking, for the sake of my own health. every time i've been skinny in my life (there's only been about 4-5 times) it was because i was working as a bike messenger, or bike delivery, or for some other reason biking all the damn time because i loved it.

so as of this moment, i'm still going to the stp jambo, and i think im going to go to nola after that. but who knows. i'll i can think about right now is getting the hell out of austin and quitting my job.

apologize for the ramblyness of this post....


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## Matt Derrick

15 more days until i quit my job...


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## EphemeralStick

I say go for the long distance touring. At the end of all this you need to to do what makes you the most happy. Plus if you are wanting to get healthy and stay healthy doing so touring will most definitely get you the results you're looking for. Just remember not to over do it!


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## Deleted member 14481

Your post makes clear of what makes you happy. I don't see what the point of living life is if you can't live it happily, the way you want. People are so interested in the slavery of the "mainstream" lifestyle, and it's thee most convenient thing to do, but convenient doesn't mean fulfilling. There will always be money to make. There will always be places to stay. Theie will only be one you in this life. You're the one you, right now.

Also, consider the source of your suggestions. If you wouldn't follow advice from a random person off the street don't do it with people that you know. They may know as much about you as that random person - and I mean that as in what's in your heart... your soul. 

_*Just keep on doing.*_
_*What you're doing.*_
_*Until you can't do what you're doing anymore!*_

All that feeling stuff aside I can only suggest trucker, sponsored bike-touring, or living off donations. Developing a traveling trade: Something more consistent than busking that you would make a reputation from, like, a traveling repair person. or something. You'll need a truck or van for that, though. A traveling tradesperson is a "spent money to make money" sword.​


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## vantramp2016

Matt Derrick said:


> So, I don't often ask StP for advice (on non-website matters), I'm not sure why. I could really use some input right now though, since I really feel like i've been plagued by indecision for several months now.
> 
> As some of you know I've been working and living in Austin, Texas for the past six months now. Before that I was stuck at my parent's house in washington state for just over a year. So, I haven't really been traveling much in the past two years.
> 
> I'm going to be turning 36 soon. My parents keep bugging me about getting a 'real job' and a house/home/apartment and basically some sense of security. I know they're just looking out for me, but it drives me crazy sometimes, since subliminally it's really put a lot of pressure on me and i feel like i'm starting to crack a little. Mostly because of the fear that they might be right?
> 
> I don't want to be homeless the rest of my life, and I don't want to be a home bum under some bridge either. Also, I don't want to be that old guy that works at McDonalds. Now, I realize that I'm probably too smart to end up like any of those people, but once my parents started bringing up the fact that i'll be 40 soon (ish) it really started to bug me.
> 
> That said, I also don't ever want to stop traveling either. The past year and a half has been hell for me on my worst days, which is why i handed over stp to tude temporarily back in november. I feel like when I'm separated from the traveler / punk / anarcho community i start to lose my mind a little. Besides StP, i really haven't felt that kind of connection in several years.
> 
> This has mostly been my own fault, since once i got the idea to do a youtube show about traveling the way we do, i spent several years sacrificing friendships and all kinds of stuff just to go work somewhere to raise money and always come up short in being able to afford the project i wanted to do.
> 
> I've finally given up on that idea and moved on to things i will probably have a better chance at achieving, but i still get plagued by indecision almost ever day. this always seems to happen about 6 months in, when i'm somewhere trying to 'temporarily settle down' (aka save up money), and i feel like my disconnect from the travel / anarcho world leads to this weird state of bipolar disorder where i can't control what my life goals are going to be on a daily basis.
> 
> one day i'm utterly convinced that saving up for a school bus / short bus / camper van is the way to go, the next it's a terrible idea and i should save up for going to australia, the next im convinced that i should buy a camera and bike across the usa. i feel like i could just classify myself as 'flighty' if it was a new idea every day, but overall it becomes a non-stop cycle of 3-4 core ideas, which makes it much more maddening.
> 
> the fucked up part is that when i'm not working or staying in one place, when i'm on the road everything feels 100% clear to me and these bouts of biopolar disorder don't seem to come around anymore. it's only when i'm stuck in one place (usually through my own doing) that i start to cycle through all these ideas for my life over and over and over like an echo chamber, until i feel like my head is going to pop. the fact that i can't seem to make a descision on one particular path in life and stick to it drives me nuts, and leads to me not really doing anything at all, since i'm essentially 'frozen' with indecision, like a deer caught in headlights.
> 
> i feel like this is all pretty vague at this point, so if you'll bear with me i'm going to list the ideas i have going on in my head.
> 
> 
> giving up on travel life and getting a 'real' job. this is the please my parent's / play it safe option. i only put this here half-jokingly. given my propensity for wandering i know this would never work out.
> 
> 
> staying in austin and working to save up for a van / bus to live in. at my current (part time) job, i'm guessing it would take me until at least the end of the year to save enough money for a decent vehicle and fix it up / renovate it.
> 
> 
> staying in austin to save up enough money to go travel around australia. again, this would probably take until the end of the year to accomplish. in some ways i've gotten really bored with the usa, so it would really help to get out of the country and go somewhere i'm really interested in. it's highly debatable whether i could make it that long in austin given my current state, but if i was really determined, i might be able to pull it off.
> 
> 
> leaving austin in september to go to the slabs. i'd take my bike with me and bike around southern california for the winter. there's a bunch of stuff i want to see in los angeles before i completely write it off for good. if i get bored of the slabs i could bike out to LA and back, check out some stuff around the salton sea; maybe just relax and forget about things and not worry so much. i'd buy a really nice camera before i left austin to document things and work on my photography. come spring i'd probably bike to new orleans. after that, who knows, i want to travel and document abandoned places while also interviewing anarchists / travelers about their lives and ideals.
> All of these options would include working on the book for stp ive always wanted to write (my goal is to finish it by the end of the year), and bringing back the stp podcast. I think the podcast would be more interesting if i was traveling and interviewing people on the road though.
> 
> Other random ideas: I'd really like to travel around the UK/Europe and interview squatters and take pictures of their squats. I think this is something I would have to save for next year though. Lastly, i still dream of building a raft and boating down the mississippi, but again that would have to be next year (due to timing with the weather).
> 
> If you asked me _today _what i want to do with my life, I'd say spend the next 3-4 months saving money and go out to slab city in september (option 4). maybe after that biking to new orleans and working a little to save up for going to the uk. why the uk instead of my 'top' pick of australia? mainly because it's cheap to get there and i could possibly knock out random idea #1.
> 
> of course, yesterday i wanted to buy a conversion van.
> 
> anyways, it definitely helps to write this all out, it's pretty therapeutic, and makes me think that maybe #4 is the way to go, but I'd like to hear your opinions on it. what should i do?
> 
> also, i know i probably shouldn't be stressing so much, but it's just hard when you have all kinds of things running through your head and no one to bounce them off of. so if you made it through all this thank you!


please explain how a house or an apt is a sense of security?? if you don't pay the rent you get evicted and if you don't pay the mortgage on the home then the banks forecloses on you same with your property taxes the gubberment will sell your house.. id'e rather be mobile in a van that's paid in full and just pay the registration and insurance.. and personaly i wouldn't want to be stationary!!


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## Grubblin

I skimmed through most of the posts and there was some pretty good advice. I didn't read them all so if I repeat something that someone said without giving credit I apologize. 

I'm new here and I won't be traveling full time until my current seasonal is over in August so I've only posted on a few things that I've experienced up until this point in my life. I have a few things to mention and I'll try not to turn it into a book.

First is age. The cliche is that you are only as old as you feel and I've found that to be completely true. Don't rush into settling down bc you're 40ish. Yes, most of the women are married and/or have kids now but in a few years (if not now), those same women will be divorced and available, the kids will be grown. Typically these women will know more of exactly what they're looking for because of learning from all of their previous life experiences along the way. Since you'll know more of who you're looking for (for the same reason) then you're more likely to spend less time on women that are incompatible with you and more time with women that you can make a real connection with. So dating and/or relationships tend to get better later in life once you both know yourselves better. Don't rush into any relationship bc either you, your parents, or society thinks that you're "too old for that".

Second, indecision will make the bipolar worse. Years ago I read (I forget the source so take this for what it's worth) that human beings spend up to and over seventy five percent of their thought process trying to rationalize their decisions. The article went on to say that we can rationalize almost anything that we want and that most rationalization is bullshit, it's mostly about desire. If you keep going back and forth on everything it will lead to fear, if it hasn't already, and fear will lead to inaction and more indecision. It's a vicious cycle and the only victim will be you. Most everyone is their own worst enemy or at least the gray matter between your ears is your own worst enemy. Try to pick something and then do it without trying to overthink it. I too tend to overthink the Hell out of everything so I've just started to go with it and make the best out of whatever happens. For me, any course of action is better than sitting around trying to decide on a course of action. That's me though and I spent years getting to that point in life.

Third, this is probably the most important, is the bipolar. I believe that you said the bipolar tends to disappear when you're out on the road. So my question is why do you have to make the decision when you're housed? Get out on the road. Take a short trip with your bike to wherever you want to go. Plan on something like a month to get away from it all and make your decision out there. Don't wait until the Slabs to go if possible, plan to the trip specifically to decide what to do. That way you won't have the external influences of your family, your friends, and fellow travelers in your ear giving their opinions on what you should and shouldn't do with your life. Remember, and this is very important, it's your life and you're the one that has to live with the consequences of your decisions and indecision. Shouldn't you make these decision when you're in the best possible state of mind? It seems as if you're best possible state of mind may not be under a roof but rather out there where you're free. Take the trip, clear your head, make your decision and come back to see the family before starting to travel full time, if that's what you decide to do. I would stick to whatever you decide to do when you're out there and not let anyone, including family, talk you out of it when you get back bc more than likely they'll try and you'll start to doubt yourself.

I won't use the cliche about opinions are like assholes bc I don't really believe in it. I found that most people have at least several different opinions about everything but only one asshole. Ultimately this decision and this life is yours, try to use your life wisely and don't be too hard on yourself if it doesn't work out exactly like you have it going in your mind, it never does, that's part of being human. Do remember that it costs us nothing to give you advice, and I believe that there are some truly good pieces of advice on this thread, but it costs you everything to take it.

In the end, the decision and the positive/negative consequences of that decision are yours so consider everything that everyone in your life has said, including here, and make the best possible decision for you. It sounds to me like you've been completely honest about yourself in every way with your posts but even with all that honesty no one can ever completely know you the way that you know you. That's because no one, including family and close personal friends, can know exactly what's going on inside your head at all times and every little factor that you're considering about how to carry on with your life.

You really have done a VERY great thing by creating and maintaining this website. If you ever doubt your ability to be awesome all you have to do is come back here and look at how many people you help every single day that this site is here. After you realize how many people that you help every day, ask yourself how many other people help so many other people, especially people who may going through a particularly difficult time in life and don't have much to give back except themselves, every single day? I would imagine that the answer to that question is not many. Thank you for keeping the site going, I know I'm new but I could instantly tell what a great resource this is on my first day of lurking.

I could go on but I said that I wouldn't write a book and apparently I lied, at least it's for what I consider a good reason this time. BEST OF LUCK!


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## Deleted member 8978

You could get thousands of dollars if your van got ran into by a careless driver. But I am not sure how trustworthy most attorneys are if you needed one. If your case was worth a lot, maybe you could upgrade to a motorhome or RV?



vantramp2016 said:


> please explain how a house or an apt is a sense of security?? if you don't pay the rent you get evicted and if you don't pay the mortgage on the home then the banks forecloses on you same with your property taxes the gubberment will sell your house.. id'e rather be mobile in a van that's paid in full and just pay the registration and insurance.. and personaly i wouldn't want to be stationary!!


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## Brother X

Just sayin'.


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## Vulture

Australia. A change of scenery would help.


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## Matt Derrick

so, i'm kind of surprised how much of a revival this thread has gotten over the past few days, in addition to all the new advice and whatnot (which i definitely appreciate!) so i figured it's time to give an update for those who are curious how this all turned out.

i started this thread in june 2015. i stayed in austin until the end of september, then flew out to LA and took a bus out to the slabs for the jamboree. I shipped my bike to my parent's house in washington and didn't do the biking around socal thing i was talking about in my original post. After the jambo I went to my parents house mostly to visit my family for xmas and take a minute to figure out what to do next.

long story short, i decided to go back to austin and save up money for a van. unfortunately i bought a lemon of a short bus on ebay and couldn't even get it back to austin (from amarillo, tx; about 500 miles) so i ended up junking it. i spent the next month (this is around feb 2016) being pretty fucking depressed about my savings being wiped out on the account of some dishonest asshole, but eventually got over it (it's just money, right?) and decided to move on.

now the conclusion to all this is that what i ended up doing with my life is a weird combination of all the things i listed in my OP.

i decided to stop putting off what i love doing (traveling) in order to save up money for goals that were just way to lofty and out of reach (for me at least). this included saving up for a vehicle (i know others do it easily but i just never seemed to work for me) and other ideas i had that required a lot of money.

what i *did* decide to do (and this is probably the best decision i've made this year) is to take a look at the resources i have available that would enable me to travel RIGHT NOW. for me, that answer was to simply bike everywhere. i already have a decent touring bike and I already have a lot of the gear i'd need for a bike tour (tent, sleeping bag, saddlebags) so my 'start up' costs would be minimal and not require much money.

biking also has the benefits of costing virtually nothing (unlike a car with gas, insurance, maintenance, etc) and also enables the maximum amount of freedom possible (i.e. not depending on people to pick me up, i can go almost anywhere and change my mind whenever i want, etc). this also will help me lose weight since i've gained quite a bit since 2012.

i also realized that despite the fact that it takes a long time to go long distances on a bike, id rather be going somewhere at a slow pace than going nowhere trying to save up for travels that may never come to fruition.

so, what about the future, and getting old and all that previous junk i was worried about? once i got things back into perspective, i started to remember how little age tends to matter to me (it only seems to matter to other people?). I mean, i sure as hell don't feel like i'm 36 (most wouldn't guess i'm that old) so why should i care what the hell society thinks? fuck it, i figure i have at least another decade (minimum) of good health ahead of me so i really shouldn't be so concerned about the safety and security society tries so hard to sell us all on.

so where i'm at now is that in two months i will be embarking on a bike trip down the west coast, ending in the slabs for the jamboree. after that i'm finishing my book, and after that who the fuck knows? and i'm okay with that. for me, the future just isn't worth stressing about as much as i did, and i'm much happier just taking things one step at a time and enjoy life _right now_.

after the jamboree, i eventually want to go bike across the uk, ireland, europe, etc... i'll still hit up australia at some point, just not sure when. also, now that i got all this unnecessary stress off my mind i'm excited about working on doing some youtube videos about traveling (and i dropped the podcast as a project).

so overall, things feel a lot more clear to me now, and i'm definitely happier for it. i really appreciate everyone's advice, it definitely helped me gain some perspective


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## Raging Bird

One of the interesting things about STP that has kind of surprised me is the presence of people who don't travel anymore but remain the kind of people who traveled in the first place. Aside from occasional train trips and ill advised schemes in Mexico, this is pretty much the camp I fall into myself. When I was younger, maybe I would have written these people off as "house punks" living vicariously through the Internet, but most of the people on here have really been out there and put some serious miles in over the years. And anyway, a lot of ex-travelers are more interesting than the average traveler - I know I'm more interesting now than I was when my life revolved around swilling box wine under a variety of exotic bridges and highway overpasses across the country, but I still keep the same ethics I've always had.

To me, I never wanted to be homeless for life, but I also never wanted to settle down and get a high paying job only so I could throw the money away eating out, drinking craft cocktails, spending money on clothes, etc. The dream would be to stay with your people and even continue traveling, but raise your standard of living or even have a place to come back to that you can call a home base.

I'll just say, if I had the skills that you had, and lived in Austin, I would focus 100% of my efforts on killing 3 of the birds you mentioned with one stone. If I knew jackshit about coding or tech, I would get a programming job and build it into a remote position, so I could work from anywhere and make money at libraries while doing my thing on trains. That's actually what I do now, but I'm actually still considerably below the poverty line (Ha!) 

I promise you, with the shit you know how to do, and a website you built from the ground up boasting thousands of international members and profiled on international media? You could land something good, man. Your parents would be happy, you could get back on the road, and you could save for your next big project without having to live a fake life for longer than the time it takes you to go remote. I didn't read the other responses so maybe everyone else said the same thing, but that's my two cents.


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## Matt Derrick

Raging Bird said:


> I'll just say, if I had the skills that you had, and lived in Austin, I would focus 100% of my efforts on killing 3 of the birds you mentioned with one stone. If I knew jackshit about coding or tech, I would get a programming job and build it into a remote position, so I could work from anywhere and make money at libraries while doing my thing on trains. That's actually what I do now, but I'm actually still considerably below the poverty line (Ha!)



i definitely understand what you're saying, and a few others have suggested the same. maybe its something i forgot to mention in the OP, or maybe it's something that's happened since i started this thread (i'd have to re-read it) but one of the things i've discovered in the past year is that first, i don't like programming, and second, i've been doing web design in one capacity or another for basically my whole life, and frankly i'm bored to tears of it. some might say to just power through it for the money, but i just can't dedicate so much time to something i'm not really all that passionate about (anymore, when i was younger i was all about it i guess).

i actually still have one client i do (freelance) website work for, and that brings me about 200 extra dollars a month, which is nice, and i don't mind doing it all that much since it's an interesting website and he's a friend of mine.

what i _am _going to do though is try and switch over careers and move towards doing graphic design and desktop publishing type stuff. it's kinda hard to switch fields like that but i'm taking online courses to re-acquaint myself with illustrator and things like that, and overall i feel like doing that kind of stuff freelance would be a lot more fulfilling than doing website code. i don't think i'll be able to do it professionally for a while but i don't mind working a few crap jobs in the meantime since at least i'm moving in the right direction now.


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## kokomojoe

I'll have to go through here and read all the responses when i have the time cause I was about to make a thread very similar to this. I'm planning on hitting the road again soon but just haven't been able to shake the thought of the future and what'd come afterwards. It's really the one thing that's been holding me back. Haven't been on the road in a couple years now, living with parents and half-assingly trying to get shit together. Clearly that hasn't worked out but, I figured by now I'd know what I want to do as far as a "real job" goes. Not even sure if a real job is what I'd want. Being more self-reliant is always good but I feel as if I've just been convincing myself that it's what I need to be happy. Between that mentality and fear of the future, I've just been kinda stuck with indecision. Definitely just gotta say fuck it and hit the road again because it's the one thing I think about daily. I know I'm not happy here and that getting my shit together won't happen here either.


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## autumn

Matt Derrick said:


> i definitely understand what you're saying, and a few others have suggested the same. maybe its something i forgot to mention in the OP, or maybe it's something that's happened since i started this thread (i'd have to re-read it) but one of the things i've discovered in the past year is that first, i don't like programming, and second, i've been doing web design in one capacity or another for basically my whole life, and frankly i'm bored to tears of it. some might say to just power through it for the money, but i just can't dedicate so much time to something i'm not really all that passionate about (anymore, when i was younger i was all about it i guess).
> 
> i actually still have one client i do (freelance) website work for, and that brings me about 200 extra dollars a month, which is nice, and i don't mind doing it all that much since it's an interesting website and he's a friend of mine.
> 
> what i _am _going to do though is try and switch over careers and move towards doing graphic design and desktop publishing type stuff. it's kinda hard to switch fields like that but i'm taking online courses to re-acquaint myself with illustrator and things like that, and overall i feel like doing that kind of stuff freelance would be a lot more fulfilling than doing website code. i don't think i'll be able to do it professionally for a while but i don't mind working a few crap jobs in the meantime since at least i'm moving in the right direction now.



The same thing happened to me. I'm no longer interested in programming really, I was extremely passionate about it for ten or so years, but at some point, it lost it's appeal. I don't even have the willpower to power through programming work I don't want to do. Every now and then I get an itch or an idea, but they're far and few between. I used to be glued to a computer as often as possible, always working on something.

It sounds like you went through something similar. I'm glad to hear you have some idea of what you want. Oddly enough, but you probably already know, I've always felt some elevated sense of comraderie with you since we're both techies, and you're the only other programmer I've encountered in the travelling community. That passionate obsession probably contributed to your/my losing interest in it. Sometimes I wonder if I'll regain my passion for it at some point far in the future, when I've lost _all_ of my skill. It's a pretty pointless what-if but it's probably something that's gone through your mind. I'm happier having dropped it and concerning myself with other things I enjoy.

Do whatever is going to make you happy.

I wish I had good advice or the perfect words, but all I can offer is empathy.


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## Mankini

If i knew anything about computers i'd smite the system and have fun doing it. What would Juilan Assange do?


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## Matt Derrick

voodoochile76 said:


> If i knew anything about computers i'd smite the system and have fun doing it. What would Juilan Assange do?



funny you say that, cause when i was younger that's all i wanted to do was be a grey/black hat hacker. read all the zines, listened to the podcasts, went to hacker conventions, etc... but that was back when i was just happy to tinker with computers and make them do things. these days i'm more into creating some kind of art with them (mostly through making videos).



zim said:


> The same thing happened to me. I'm no longer interested in programming really, I was extremely passionate about it for ten or so years, but at some point, it lost it's appeal. I don't even have the willpower to power through programming work I don't want to do. Every now and then I get an itch or an idea, but they're far and few between. I used to be glued to a computer as often as possible, always working on something.
> 
> It sounds like you went through something similar. I'm glad to hear you have some idea of what you want. Oddly enough, but you probably already know, I've always felt some elevated sense of comraderie with you since we're both techies, and you're the only other programmer I've encountered in the travelling community. That passionate obsession probably contributed to your/my losing interest in it. Sometimes I wonder if I'll regain my passion for it at some point far in the future, when I've lost _all_ of my skill. It's a pretty pointless what-if but it's probably something that's gone through your mind. I'm happier having dropped it and concerning myself with other things I enjoy.
> 
> Do whatever is going to make you happy.
> 
> I wish I had good advice or the perfect words, but all I can offer is empathy.



people change as they go through life, i'm just at a different stage than i was previously. also, i sympathize with no being able to find other people interested in computery nerd stuff in the travel scene, unless maybe you get into the whole digital nomad thing.

if you had any interest in working on StP at the server level or just doing admin things for the forum, i could definitely use an admin here as i'm trying to focus on videos for the time being.


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## Mankini

Anon. talks a good game, and they do little pranks here and there like taunting Daesh, or exposing ruffians. But heres an ethical dilemma: if you have the power to freeze assets or effect DNS on wrongdoers like Assad, IMF, World Bank, Dick Cheney, Booz Allen Hamilton, etc., is it not an obligation to do just that?


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## Matt Derrick

voodoochile76 said:


> Anon. talks a good game, and they do little pranks here and there like taunting Daesh, or exposing ruffians. But heres an ethical dilemma: if you have the power to freeze assets or effect DNS on wrongdoers like Assad, IMF, World Bank, Dick Cheney, Booz Allen Hamilton, etc., is it not an obligation to do just that?



that's a debate for another thread entirely.


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## autumn

Matt Derrick said:


> funny you say that, cause when i was younger that's all i wanted to do was be a grey/black hat hacker. read all the zines, listened to the podcasts, went to hacker conventions, etc... but that was back when i was just happy to tinker with computers and make them do things. these days i'm more into creating some kind of art with them (mostly through making videos).



Hahaha me too. The only thing I ever really managed to do was be a little douchebag though.



Matt Derrick said:


> people change as they go through life, i'm just at a different stage than i was previously. also, i sympathize with no being able to find other people interested in computery nerd stuff in the travel scene, unless maybe you get into the whole digital nomad thing.
> 
> if you had any interest in working on StP at the server level or just doing admin things for the forum, i could definitely use an admin here as i'm trying to focus on videos for the time being.



The whole digital nomad thing always seemed to be a way to maintain a conventional way of traveling (planes, hotels, etc) by doing shit tons of remote work. Not really the sort of people I'd go out of my way to find. I could be totally wrong though, it's been a while since I looked.

I'd be happy to help out with what I can. What admin duties do you want someone else to take over? And what server-level work needs to be done besides the chat freezing?


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## Matt Derrick

zim said:


> Hahaha me too. The only thing I ever really managed to do was be a little douchebag though.
> 
> 
> 
> The whole digital nomad thing always seemed to be a way to maintain a conventional way of traveling (planes, hotels, etc) by doing shit tons of remote work. Not really the sort of people I'd go out of my way to find. I could be totally wrong though, it's been a while since I looked.
> 
> I'd be happy to help out with what I can. What admin duties do you want someone else to take over? And what server-level work needs to be done besides the chat freezing?



i'll send you a pm.


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## Zak

When I came to Los Angeles it was supposed to be a quick stop on my way to elsewhere. I met a girl and got married instead. Joined the Navy just to get the fuck out, ended up in NOLA, and then fucked that gig up well and proper just because I'm not really a shut up and take orders type. The good news is, it didn't crush my soul, just fucked up my back, (and quick answer to the looming question about Benefits- is I wasn't in long enough to get said benefits...like I said, I fucked up good and proper), moving on, what has crushed my soul has been moving back to Los Angeles, staying there for the past 6 years, drinking myself to psychotic oblivion and fucking up my marriage just because I cannot stand my life as is. The only time I was ever happy in my life was when I was on the road. Now I'm in that place where I'm used to the routine, the norm, the work, the job, waking up, walking my dog, sitting on my ass all day in an office because I'm terrified to do physical labor, (which I love) because IF my back goes out I'm fucked 7 ways from Sunday. 

I thought it was the right thing to do. I was buying in. I was gonna have the wife, and do her right and have the family I never had growing up, etc. etc. etc.

What it really turned out to be was something similar to a meat-grinder, and there's not much of ME left on the other end.

So I found this site, I found YOU, @Matt Derrick and I'm starting to find that little piece that's been missing. How romantic! It's meant to be! Wait...that's what got me into trouble in the first place...
It's a strange world where you become a Fuck Up by doing what you're "SUPPOSED" to do.

I guess the Moral of the story is this, as William S. Burroughs said "First Thought, Best Thought". There is no substitute for being who you are. The disease is NOT being true to yourself. 

I'm 32 and I've almost Killed myself to be what I'm not. I'm slowly recovering, hopefully, recovering and I'll be on the road one day soon.

Learn from this mistake.


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## Phranque Trayne

Matt,

Did not know where to put this so here it goes. I admire what you have done with STP. If you are still up in the air about what's next or where to relocate, this little note has some valid things to think about.

Seven U.S. states currently don't have an income tax: Alaska, Florida, Nevada, South Dakota, Texas, Washington and Wyoming. And residents of New Hampshire and Tennessee are also spared from handing over an extra chunk of their paycheck on April 15, though they do pay tax on dividends and income from investments. (!!)

Also Oregon has zero sales tax and low property rates although it does have income tax.

IMHO, having a home base paid for gives me more freedom. I don't have to worry about where I can safely rest up. I rent my place when I am at sea. 

Whatever you do I hope you do more vids and film along with it. Good stuff and it sounds like it feeds you on some levels.

Phranque


Sent from my iPhone using the Squat the Planet mobile app!


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## Garminbozia

@matt Hey dude. I'm in a similar situation. The way I see it is that if I get a place of my own, a cheap house, and pay it off as soon as possible, I would have a place of stability and could check that off the list. So if/when the time comes to settle down I can. With it being cheap and paid off I could still travel around and not be stuck somewhere. Have you considered a route like that? Buying a cheap place for when the time comes? Also, have you ever considered making a documentary? You are well known in this community and people will trust you. That gives you a lot of oppurtunity to be able to document the squaters life. Sure, you'd need a compelling theme but once you have that, bam! You're set. It doesn't have to be an invasive documentary, seeing that documentaries tend to be "revealing" either. The theme could simply be "life of a nomad". The things we do, see, and experience are interesting enough. And you can make it and sell it. Maybe even create some kind of fund raiser with it for other nomads. And, we tend to see life differently than those who would never travel, so insight we can give could be compelling aswell. And for another idea, have you ever thought about getting into graphic design? You can make websites for a living!


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