# Two Years of Traveling From 2015 to 2017



## Deleted member 25986

Going to share some of the experiences that I had while traveling the states.

It started in June of 2015. I was on the WWOOF website which I don't recommend being on and for which I'm not on anymore because not a whole lot of good people on that site... Like everywhere else. Anyway, I contacted a intentional community called Vedrica Forest Gardens. I'm just going to say right now that this was a mistake to go that place. A complete fucking regret because it was a complete waste of my time and I got emotionally hurt by some of the worst people that you will ever meet in your life. It was located in Weippe, Idaho. I met a family who was hosting a "organic" farm there. They allowed me to come live with them and volunteer... I got there by flying. Again. This was a fucking mistake... My host is a terrible awful apathetic human... The thing about Vedrica is that it was a cult... Based on that bullshit "Ringing Cedars of Russia" crap. I was there for two months... From June to August 2015. I don't want to go into great detail of what happen there because it's just too painful and I never should have gone there in the first place anyway. I didn't even realize that it was a cult until later... My host was a woman and she emotionally fuck me up to hell and back... Lying to me and saying bad things that just didn't make any damn sense. Threatening me later and other bullshit. I saw her as a mother figure and I was sexually attracted to her along with another woman that was there. I was desperate at the time because I didn't want to come back to Florida and I have a lot of personal issues when it comes to my life growing up... It just wasn't a good mental state to be in and I never should have gone to Vedrica in the first place. My host had two kids with her partner and another kid that she adopted. It got to the point that things were falling apart and a lot of distress... They wanted me gone and other stuff. My host drop me off in Spokane, Washington so I can take a train to Eugene, Oregon because the other woman told me that it will be a "good" place for me to be at even though they were just condemning me to homelessness just so they can get rid of me.

So I went to Eugene, Oregon in August 2015. I was only there for a week... Homeless because of course. The only good thing that came out of it was unintentionally going to the Cougar Hot Springs... Everything else was shit. I just got out of there. Took Greyhound to go back to Idaho. Back to Weippe because I was desperate. That didn't work out... So I contacted another intentional community that was in Missouri in the Ozarks called Oran Mor Community. They allowed me to come. Took Greyhound again. I was only there for a week and few days because my mental state was killing me... I was very stressed and mentally overwhelmed over what happen in Idaho at Vedrica because at this time I wanted to go back to Vedrica and my host told me that I could go back if I did certain things first... This was so fucking stupid because of how desperate I was... I was at my breaking point. The first thing my host told me to do was to go to a vispassana meditation center to do a ten day course... That was another bullshit mistake that I made.... I don't even believe in meditation. It's just a placebo effect and nothing more. Bullshit. So I took Greyhound again to go to Kaufman, Texas because there was a vispassana center there... This was around August-September 2015... I was stuck in a hotel room for about nine fucking days until I could go to the center to do the ten day course. It was fucking awful. The meditation suck too. I left on the fifth day because it was just a cult that was trying to indoctrinate me. Fuck that... What a complete waste of my fucking time again. That's when I tried doing the second and last thing my host wanted me to do before she will "welcome" me back to Vedrica. To go and stay at Teaching Drum Outdoor School for a little bit in Three Lakes, Wisconsin because she has personal connections there. So I took Greyhound to go to Michigan and I hitchhike into Wisconsin. This was September 2015.

I was able to get into a week long canoe course that Teaching Drum was offering while still suffering from homelessness. It lasted for eight days from late September to early October 2015. Doing this canoe course actually was kinda decent. For the time anyway... It was a decent break. At this point my host from Vedrica went back on her "promise" to welcome me back to Vedrica. I was able to stay at Teaching Drum for nine months from September 2015 to June 2016 as a long term volunteer. Teaching Drum was also a mistake to go to in the long run and I regret going there... It's very similar to a cult of personality because the guy who founded it is a scam artist. An idiot and charlatan. Teaching Drum was bullshit. It was way too expensive to be there and it really is very similar to a cult of personality. The people there were not very good people and they were quite apathetic too... Things were not as bad for me at first but I was very quickly losing interest of being there only after 2-3 months of being there. Trouble began when my fucking host from Vedrica was going to move and live at Teaching Drum for a little bit because Vedrica didn't want her anymore... At this point I was having a backlash against her and Vedrica for what they did to me but Teaching Drum didn't listen to me... So my host came and all hell broke lose again. I tried fucking warning them... At this point I said fuck it. I loathe my host and Vedrica. Things were quickly falling apart once again. I left. Finally... By fucking Greyhound.

I went back to Oran Mor Community in Missouri. I was able to become a member there. More or less... Teaching Drum at this point didn't want me to come back because of my fucking host. Oh well... Waste of my fucking time again... Fuck Vedrica and fuck Teaching Drum. I was able to stay at Oran Mor for seven months from June 2016 to January 2017. I tried my very best to give it a chance and all that... It just wasn't for me... I felt no connection with the people there and they were doing and saying things that I don't agree with. The area was beautiful because of the Ozarks but that was it. It was in the bullshit bible belt. Anyway, I talk to the other people at Oran Mor and they thought it was best for me to take a break from Oran Mor and to travel for a little bit before deciding anything serious. So I went out west to try and visit other intentional communities if I could. I took Greyhound to go back to Eugene, Oregon to visit Alpha Farm that was in Deadwood, Oregon. That was a stupid ass place... I was there for a month and like a week or two in February into early March 2017. Absolutely no connection with anyone. No one gave a shit to talk and it was fucking lame. It was just another waste of my time. After that idiotic stay I went to a "organic" farm that was in Wolf Creek, Oregon. I don't remember the name of the place but I was only there for a week because my needs weren't being met there. That's when I was able to rent a room from a woman that I met in Eugene in March 2017. I was there for a little bit... That's when I went to yet another "organic" farm down in Redwood Valley, California. I very quickly left because I was done with the concept of "organic" farms. The hosts were awful people. I just decided to go back to Oran Mor back in Missouri.

So I went back by fucking Greyhound. I was so sick and done with Greyhound at this point. For this third and final stay at Oran Mor I was only there for a month and a few weeks from April to May 2017. It just got to the point that it was best for me to leave Oran Mor. I let it fall apart because I knew it was going to blow up in my face if I attempted to save it. Oh well... I went to Eureka Springs, Arkansas in late May of 2017. Homeless once again... Very quickly left to go back up to Michigan in Rockford because my "father" said he will help me with what I was going through... That was yet another fucking mistake... My "father" is an awful human being... Completely terrible. I was with him for two months from June to July 2017 before he screwed me the fuck over. He put me into the Pivot Crisis Center in Grand Rapids because he didn't know how to help me. I was stuck there for a month... August 2017. It was fucking awful... After that they put me into a bullshit "foster home for adults". Early September 2017. I very quickly got the fuck out of there because fuck all of it. Went back to Arkansas. Was able to contact a old woman that I met when I was living at Oran Mor. She let me live with her in Gainesville, Missorui. I was with her from September to October 2017. At that point she couldn't really help me either and I had little to no choice but to go back to fucking Florida... And I've been here ever since...

So that was my two years of traveling... I did not went into great detail here for obvious reasons... But anyway I'm just trying to meet people and trying to figure something better for myself. Thanks for reading.


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## Deleted member 23824

Wow.

I’m gonna be honest with you, because, well, I can’t be otherwise. I just wasted my time reading a guy talk of making two solid years of horrible choice upon horrible choice, railing within the diatribe, about how fucked up everyone else was. Not him, no, everyone else.

If you could be a disinterested third party, would you give any credence to what you just wrote? Did you actually read it? Bro, you got tossed from a cult, and a bunch of other groups. Cults don’t remove people, people enter cults and are never heard from again. You must be really special.

If you were one of my kids and told me how every person you came in contact with was messed up and not you, I would cuff you on the back of the neck. But that might hurt your feelings. I am not supportive. Hell, you’ll get support here, I’m sure. Incredible.


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## Deleted member 25986

Faceplant said:


> Wow.
> 
> I’m gonna be honest with you, because, well, I can’t be otherwise. I just wasted my time reading a guy talk of making two solid years of horrible choice upon horrible choice, railing within the diatribe, about how fucked up everyone else was. Not him, no, everyone else.
> 
> If you could be a disinterested third party, would you give any credence to what you just wrote? Did you actually read it? Bro, you got tossed from a cult, and a bunch of other groups. Cults don’t remove people, people enter cults and are never heard from again.
> 
> If you were one of my kids and told me how every person you came in contact with was messed up and not you, I would cuff you on the back of the neck. But that might hurt your feelings. I am not supportive. Hell, you’ll get support here, I’m sure. Incredible.


You're apathy and piss poor understanding of who I am as a person is NOT what I fucking need. 

Thanks for wasting your time for writing a bullshit comment.


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## Deleted member 23824

You laid it out there for all the world to see. Look at it yourself. I don’t really want to understand you as a person, but I do fully understand you as a type.

And all it took was one post.

What you actually needed, a long time ago, was the afore mentioned cuff to the back of the neck. Done in a loving, supportive way, of course. Would that have met your needs?

Gonna definitely be on the edge of my seat waiting for you to catch us up from 2017 to the present


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## Deleted member 25986

Faceplant said:


> You laid it out there for all the world to see. Look at it yourself. I don’t really want to understand you as a person, but I fully understand you as a type. All it took was one post.
> 
> What you actually needed, a long time ago, was the afore mentioned cuff to the back of the neck. Done in a loving, supportive way, of course. Would that have met your needs?
> 
> Gonna definitely be on the edge of my seat waiting for you to catch us up from 2017 to the present


You don't want to understand me because you're a bigot. A delusional, indoctrinated, ignorant motherfucker... A cunt.


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## Deleted member 125

Qwent91 said:


> You don't want to understand me because you're a bigot. A delusional, indoctrinated, ignorant motherfucker... A cunt.



Somebody's opinion of you that you may or may not agree with doesn't make them a bigot or a delusional indoctrinated ignorant cunt. 

Look man you posted about the last 2 years and probably (so far) didn't get the response you wanted, but going from yer other posts I think you maybe want to talk to somebody in private about what's going on in yer life. It's possible that you arnt going to be received warmly because it seems to me from this post and yer previous posts that you are in a very negative place right now and maybe just maybe posting about it on stp isn't going to be doing yerself any favors right now.


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## Deleted member 25986

SlankyLanky said:


> Somebody's opinion of you that you may or may not agree with doesn't make them a bigot or a delusional indoctrinated ignorant cunt.
> 
> Look man you posted about the last 2 years and probably (so far) didn't get the response you wanted, but going from yer other posts I think you maybe want to talk to somebody in private about what's going on in yer life. It's possible that you arnt going to be received warmly because it seems to me from this post and yer previous posts that you are in a very negative place right now and maybe just maybe posting about it on stp isn't going to be doing yerself any favors right now.


The definition for bigot is "a person who is intolerant toward those holding different opinions" and he is clearly intolerant against me of who I am as a person. If I'm wrong of how I'm using the word "bigot" then that's fine. I'm sure I'll find the right word later. 

No one knows what I've gone through in my fucking life. I was born with a speech and language disorder called developmental verbal dyspraxia which I bet you haven't even heard of until now... That did me no favors growing up. Did you know that? No... My social skills aren't the greatest along with other factors that negatively affected me growing up. I'm from a very dysfunctional family that offered nothing to me growing up. I am completely ashamed and resentful of the kind of people that I was stuck with growing up and still am to extent because I've been trying to get away from these people for a really long time... Better people who can show me true love and the support that I never got is all I've ever been looking for... Only to end severely disappointed and emotionally hurt. My needs and wants matter. 

Plus it's a strong possibility that I may have borderline personality disorder but I can't get a straight answer from people that I've been talking to here and there... You already know that I have suicidal thoughts here and there which just so you know I haven't acted on them so far because of a small glimmer of hope that resides in me. Depression and anxiety is a thing for me along with some OCD. It was severely difficult for me growing up. I was verbally and emotionally abused along with some physical abuse here and there. I had very little to later no friends growing up. I've never been in a relationship with a woman so far. Never had a best friend with a guy. Never had a true family growing up. 

I'm just looking for people who truly are understanding and accepting of who I am as a person. Love. Intimacy. I'm just sick of being hurt. I'm a very broken individual I feel like. I have severe trust issues and I'm very cautious and weary to pretty much everyone I talk to now. I'm on here because I consider myself a "misfit". But then again, "Even among misfits you're a misfit!"... I just don't like wasting time with people who don't want to get to know me and don't want to be friends. I've been in a very negative place for a really long time now... A really long time and I've been attempting to get out of it but people are just not treating me very well no matter where I go. It's probably very hard for you to sympathize along with many others because you and they haven't gone through what I've gone through and people probably treat you very differently compared to how I've been treated which hey... It is what it is .


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## Deleted member 125

Qwent91 said:


> The definition for bigot is "a person who is intolerant toward those holding different opinions" and he is clearly intolerant against me of who I am as a person. If I'm wrong of how I'm using the word "bigot" then that's fine. I'm sure I'll find the right word later.
> 
> No one knows what I've gone through in my fucking life. I was born with a speech and language disorder called developmental verbal dyspraxia which I bet you haven't even heard of until now... That did me no favors growing up. Did you know that? No... My social skills aren't the greatest along with other factors that negatively affected me growing up. I'm from a very dysfunctional family that offered nothing to me growing up. I am completely ashamed and resentful of the kind of people that I was stuck with growing up and still am to extent because I've been trying to get away from these people for a really long time... Better people who can show me true love and the support that I never got is all I've ever been looking for... Only to end severely disappointed and emotionally hurt. My needs and wants matter.
> 
> Plus it's a strong possibility that I may have borderline personality disorder but I can't get a straight answer from people that I've been talking to here and there... You already know that I have suicidal thoughts here and there which just so you know I haven't acted on them so far because of a small glimmer of hope that resides in me. Depression and anxiety is a thing for me along with some OCD. It was severely difficult for me growing up. I was verbally and emotionally abused along with some physical abuse here and there. I had very little to later no friends growing up. I've never been in a relationship with a woman so far. Never had a best friend with a guy. Never had a true family growing up.
> 
> I'm just looking for people who truly are understanding and accepting of who I am as a person. Love. Intimacy. I'm just sick of being hurt. I'm a very broken individual I feel like. I have severe trust issues and I'm very cautious and weary to pretty much everyone I talk to now. I'm on here because I consider myself a "misfit". But then again, "Even among misfits you're a misfit!"... I just don't like wasting time with people who don't want to get to know me and don't want to be friends. I've been in a very negative place for a really long time now... A really long time and I've been attempting to get out of it but people are just not treating me very well no matter where I go. It's probably very hard for you to sympathize along with many others because you and they haven't gone through what I've gone through and people probably treat you very differently compared to how I've been treated which hey... It is what it is .



I am not a therapist. I've been very clear about that. As understanding as I and stp try to be, there is a good chance that the help that you need is not available here and in my uneducated opinion yer negative attitude is turning people off. 

I genuinely hope that you get the attention and help that you need.


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> @Qwent91 - what did you have in mind when you shared your narrative here? I'm not a moderator, nor am I traveling at the moment - I'm just curious. Ordinarily on this site I spout a lot of foolish nonsense & play the clown, but I also noticed your other threads & I sense you're a sensitive person in a bad way - less than ideal circumstances/whatever. Anyway, here we are. Everyone here is a misfit - it's what brought us here. I'm gonna go ahead and post this because I'm getting notified while trying to compose that new posts have been added and would I like to read them..,


What I had in mind was "Why the hell not?" because let's just wait and see what happens. It doesn't hurt to try... I like going with the flow. I might meet people that I've been looking for... I might not. I don't if I will call myself "sensitive" but I'm just someone who truly cares down. I'm very genuine. Honest and I speak what I know is right. I call out bullshit and what I know is inherently wrong. Plus I react to people of how they react to me. If it's cruel or mean I'm going to be just that towards them but if they're kind or sweet I'm going to be that in return while also being cautious and weary because that's just my trust issues now...


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> OK I've read your last post, so in an ideal world what's your next move?


I have no fucking clue... That's what I've been trying to figure out. But in a "ideal" world that's hard to say because it depends on a whole lot of shit.


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## Deleted member 25986

SlankyLanky said:


> I am not a therapist. I've been very clear about that. As understanding as I and stp try to be, there is a good chance that the help that you need is not available here and in my uneducated opinion yer negative attitude is turning people off.
> 
> I genuinely hope that you get the attention and help that you need.


That's fine that you're not a therapist. I understand that. I just thought that some context will help. But okay... Thanks for hoping.


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> I'm going to reach out and ask what is your living situation at the moment? If you'd rather not say I get it


Not very good... It's exactly the way it was at the beginning of this decade. Which is me being a "recluse" more or less and living with people that I really want and need to get away from... "Family"... Expect they're disown and yet I'm still with them for some really strange reason... My "mother" and "brother" who don't have similar interests that I do and who I don't get along with because of some serious issues. They don't share the same wants and needs that I have... The lifestyles are very different.


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> Well this is your space you're not derailing anybody else's thread
> 
> I'm no therapist either but I could tell from your content you have issues - I don't mean that as a put down. We all do. Anyway, you say it depends on a lot of shit - I don't need to know any specifics but what do you hope to find here?


Yeah... There's that I guess. 

I try to let people know in a way there's issues... I'm just cynical at this point though... What I'm hoping to find as a whole is friends. People to travel with. Relationships. Get away from Florida and the people who've hurt me over my life. See where things go... Because I have a lot of other things that I want happen but there needs to be understanding and accepting from someone who has very strong patience in order for those things to happen.


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> From what I can tell, most families are mostly fucked up. However everyone has their moments & sometimes or you can get a surprise from an unexpected quarter


I don't like most families that I see but I do believe that a loving and caring family can truly exist. Just takes a lot of time to do it...


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> Human behavior boils down to mostly patterns


I'm a misanthrope for a reason seeing as I'm very aware of how cruel and stupid humans truly are... I just want to be better than that and hoping to find others who want the same thing.


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> And if you're in a shitty pattern you gotta try & interrupt it somehow and establish a better one


That's what I've been attempting to do... To something better. A real improvement.


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> So I got nothing really to offer you, but if you want to message me privately and continue this I will respond as thoughtfully as I can


Okay. That's fine. I'm open to private talk. It's no problem for me.


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> Easier said than done I know
> even easier on my smartphone


Will love to get to the point that I don't need a smartphone anymore... I only have it for certain reasons at the moment.


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> For the record I'm exactly twice your age white hetero male
> I've been an orphan since I was 15 - & up until that time my mom was a widow with five kids, the oldest severely mentally retarded


Yeah... That sounds pretty damn rough. Sorry.


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> We all come from hard places - the key is figuring how to adapt
> I'm trying to recall what I was up to at your age - that was the 90s, Holy shit


Not everyone... I just to "adapt". Not on my own anyway because I crave relationships and stuff like that. 

And I was born in 1991... I honestly feel old at this point.


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> Also for the record, I don't think @Faceplant was all that brutal in his honesty. True, he doesn't know you, but then again none of us knows any other except from what they post here.
> 
> Well, that's not entirely true - and he's got the scars to prove it - but that's his story to tell.
> 
> However, we all took the time to read your post and offer some feedback. Now it may not be what you wanted to hear - read, rather - but this is all part of forging an understanding. Growth and acceptance are not without struggle or pain


I don't agree with how he went about in telling in his "honesty". I'm far more kind than that because that's not who I am and yes... He doesn't know me but you're right. We only know from what we post on here and stuff until we meet in person if people are open of doing that.

I have a scar too. A burn scar that I've had since 1992... On my left arm.

I thank you for taking the time to read my post and offer feedback. I do appreciate it overall. It takes time for a understanding while some are easier than others while some are harder. It just depends.


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> Before anyone responded to your original post I considered what to write and came up with 'The only thing I can take away from your post is *You can't go back*'


...Okay.


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> Reviewing your words - _Because I have a lot of other things that I want happen but there needs to be understanding and accepting from someone who has very strong patience in order for those things to happen. _
> 
> Can you guess what I'm about to say?
> Nothing happens by itself and nobody's going to come along and resolve everything for you. But you already know this.


Humans are a social animal... There needs to be real connection and emotion attachment. Nothing does happen by itself (most of the time) but people together can resolve things... It takes real effort to do it. And that's what I'm looking for. Someone who truly cares like I do. Who wants to put real emotion and work together. To make things better because that makes the most damn sense to me.


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> And what makes you the standard? We all come from whatever hole we came from and nobody knows anyone else's experience -


Unless you ask...


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> Meaning when I hear a well-off person telling me how everything is fine with them I have to ask them what about everyone else?


That's called apathy from a "privilege" person who suffer from first world problems...


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> Anyway I'm gonna take a break and jump in the shower it was hot here and I was working on the roof all afternoon so yeah there's no magic formula and nothing is going to be solved in three 40 minute acts like in the movies. Do what you gotta do for peace of mind/clarity, get some rest, get away from your usual antagonists - whether they're internal or external


Okay. I don't really have real outlet here that will make me more at ease... Not really and that has been a problem too... Tough I do believe that real results can happen in a short amount of time as long as everyone is actually working towards a solution. Just got to put the effort in... Because it takes a lot.


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> - whatever they do in Florida around your parts.
> Last time I was in Florida 2016 a woman paid me to drive her Benz from Los Angeles to New Smyrna Beach - I picked up her niece in Denver stayed in Tulsa Memphis Nashville Atlanta Savannah then New Smyrna... What an adventure that was


Sounds interesting... I just don't have a lot to do here by myself...


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> I'm gonna give you a bit of advice (and you can tell me to fuck myself since you didn't ask for it) but while it may be OK to pity your_self_, try not to drown everyone else in your sorrows.


...I understand what you're saying but I don't know the right response at the moment mostly because I feel that I see others do that anyway... To a extent.


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> Where ever you are, you can always explore -
> Hell, I've even gone to church just for fellowship, change of scenery, chance hook-up. You just never know


There's nothing to explore in a city... Not my thing... The area I'm in sucks too for that. Urban decay and bullshit consumerism. Nothing interesting...


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> I've been to Orlando, Boca Raton, Miami, Key West Cape Canaveral, New Smyrna Beach, St Augustine, Tallahassee, and Jacksonville - but never Tampa. I walk everywhere whatever bullshit shops bakery secondhand goods stores. You gotta make your own amusement


I like to walk too. There is a piss poor walking trail near me and all that which I went on once. The only thing that I have been doing somewhat daily is volunteering at a parrot sanctuary that's really close to me but I'm taking a short break from it because of my mental state at the moment.


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> beach hammack swamp, marina, etc. Always something to do, people to meet. art scene music scene, freak scene -


People always inside now not wanting to give up the internet, video games, movies, tv shows, and other bullshit... It makes it really difficult to do things today in this day and age.


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> Please don't be offended by anything I've suggested and accept it with the intended spirit
> Good night


I'm not offended. Just really cynical like I said... Otherwise, I can look at your suggestions and all that.


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> OK probably not at this hour - but you have to train yourself to be receptive to whatever is interesting and tailor your desire to what's available


Yeah. I understand that. I just feel that I'm not in a good area but I can look again just to see what's around.


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## Deleted member 8978

I read your story and I notice you had to hang out with many groups of people that did nothing but piss you off. Being that you're back in Florida, have you planned any new travels ahead of time or are you taking a break to see what's going on?!


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## Deleted member 23824

You two a


quad8 said:


> I read your story and I notice you had to hang out with many groups of people that did nothing but piss you off. Being that you're back in Florida, have you planned any new travels ahead of time or are you taking a break to see what's going on?!


Hey, aren’t you two in fairly close proximity?


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## Deleted member 8978

Nope, I been in Georgia, not even close! I can say I'm closer to the FL border but that's pretty much it.



faceplant said:


> You two a
> 
> Hey, aren’t you two in fairly close proximity?


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## Deleted member 23824

quad8 said:


> Nope, I been in Georgia, not even close! I can say I'm closer to the FL border but that's pretty much it.


Ahh, to me you are close, just one state apart. I drive all over hell , nothing for me to go 3-5 hours each way in one day, if I need to.


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## Deleted member 23824

Juan Derlust said:


> Sadly, the efficacy of the dope slap has been severely undermined in our culture the last half century - and probably beyond.


Yeah, I really miss Click n Clack, true aficionados of the art form.


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> While it would be wonderful for someone to come along and show the way, it can be equally valuable to heed someone indicating what may be holding us back


There's a lot of things that's holding me back... Pure human idiocy being one of them.


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## Deleted member 25986

quad8 said:


> I read your story and I notice you had to hang out with many groups of people that did nothing but piss you off. Being that you're back in Florida, have you planned any new travels ahead of time or are you taking a break to see what's going on?!


Thanks for reading. I'm someone who gets pissed off a lot... That's pure human idiocy for you... I'm not planning anything at the moment because I'm not going to do it alone anymore... I've been alone for far too long in my life at this point and I'm just so sick of it. I truly am. No one knows the complete and utter isolation that I suffer from every damn day... Truly. No one fucking knows I've notice.

At this point I'm just trying to see what's going on I guess because I like I said I refuse to be alone now.


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> What do you do to draw good people to you? What are you doing to make those positive connections? Your circumstances will eventually change - how are you going to let those changes affect you? I'm not just slinging platitudes at you - these are things I'm constantly asking myself


I don't know how to draw good people to me. Not at all... My social skills are piss poor... They suck. I feel like that I'm the best that i can with my limitations but it's not enough... Hence why I'm getting more and more desperate each passing year... Things will eventually change over time... And that's what I'm afraid of because I don't know what is going to happen to me... I'm terrified because I've suffered enough... I don't have anything going for me and I see something bad happening to me because of it... Really fucking bad...


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## roughdraft

its tough out there dude, its just plain fuckin tough living.

but you arent gonna find a lot of people who care unless you can give em a smile and joke around, try to have a good attitude, you know anxiety and depression feed each other

ive also noticed a fair amount of people arent gonna care about ¨why ¨ youre miserable, simply that youre negatively affecting them

but listen, everyones experience is limited, and theres a lot more out there to discover. just recognize that you attract more with honey than with vinegar


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## Deleted member 25986

roughdraft said:


> its tough out there dude, its just plain fuckin tough living.
> 
> but you arent gonna find a lot of people who care unless you can give em a smile and joke around, try to have a good attitude, you know anxiety and depression feed each other
> 
> ive also noticed a fair amount of people arent gonna care about ¨why ¨ youre miserable, simply that youre negatively affecting them
> 
> but listen, everyones experience is limited, and theres a lot more out there to discover. just recognize that you attract more with honey than with vinegar


I know it is. If most people I meet don't care as a whole and are just apathetic in general truly shows me their worth as a person to me and it's not good... Why will I go around faking my emotions and being a stepford smiler? That's very emotionally regressive and again that's terrible. It's one of the major reasons of why human civilization is fuck up... 

And I personally care why someone is having a very difficult time and hard life. That's called empathy but for me I have sympathy because I actually do care about helping others. Me "negatively" affecting people with my "attitude" is really quite bullshit... It really is because again it shows their worth as a person and it's quite shitty. I don't care if they don't because they're not worth it to me. It's been really quite difficult for me to find the kind of people that I'm looking for. I do know that. If they even exist anymore in this day and age...


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## Deleted member 23824

Qwent91 said:


> I know it is. If most people I meet don't care as a whole and are just apathetic in general truly shows me their worth as a person to me and it's not good... Why will I go around faking my emotions and being a stepford smiler? That's very emotionally regressive and again that's terrible. It's one of the major reasons of why human civilization is fuck up...
> 
> And I personally care why someone is having a very difficult time and hard life. That's called empathy but for me I have sympathy because I actually do care about helping others. Me "negatively" affecting people with my "attitude" is really quite bullshit... It really is because again it shows their worth as a person and it's quite shitty. I don't care if they don't because they're not worth it to me. It's been really quite difficult for me to find the kind of people that I'm looking for. I do know that. If they even exist anymore in this day and age...


And round and round we go . . .


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## Deleted member 125

Captain ellipsis over here gonna go for the achievement of biggest summer bummer on stp.


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## roughdraft

Qwent91 said:


> I know it is. If most people I meet don't care as a whole and are just apathetic in general truly shows me their worth as a person to me and it's not good... Why will I go around faking my emotions and being a stepford smiler? That's very emotionally regressive and again that's terrible. It's one of the major reasons of why human civilization is fuck up...
> 
> And I personally care why someone is having a very difficult time and hard life. That's called empathy but for me I have sympathy because I actually do care about helping others. Me "negatively" affecting people with my "attitude" is really quite bullshit... It really is because again it shows their worth as a person and it's quite shitty. I don't care if they don't because they're not worth it to me. It's been really quite difficult for me to find the kind of people that I'm looking for. I do know that. If they even exist anymore in this day and age...



thanks for the response 

sometimes people are apathetic but it is our job to work together to kinda diminish that within each other or otherwise cope, might sound crazy but its just an idea

also have you considered 'why' people might be so apathetic? have you considered that maybe it is for some of the same reasons you are in such pain? people sometimes react differently to trauma or simply shitty situations, long and short term. You say you care about the "why" in other people, so I encourage you to explore this other way of seeing things

And man the whole negative attitude thing isnt always intentional, its sometimes just visceral. You know the saying "You can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink" ? If someone is having a negative attitude and i cant handle it, how its fucking ME over, it isnt 100% of the time on me to nurture them, because ive done that enough and i still do it, i LOVE helping people especially if theyre down and out....but only within reason, you gotta give a little. of course it aint that simple, just something else to think about.

It shows YOUR worth too, to how much you can build yourself up and not just blame everyone else for their shit. No, I dont think faking emotions is cool either....rather doing the real work wirhin yourself to truly feel better! 

It should be clear to you that we actually have some stuff in common, do i care about why someone is hurting and the hard stuff theyve been thru? Hell yes dude, thats like my favorite thing to talk about with people, because ive also been through a lot of shit, i know it helps me to talk about it and i love helping people, and providing a type of friendship that is hard to come by, because like you, im aware of how much fuckery is afoot at every turn. The majority of my close friends, ex-girlfriends and family members have serious mental illnesses, addictions and or major trauma, i could write a book about how fucked the world is - The thing im constantly teaching myself is how to work with it and make it work for me, its always been like that, but it has ups and downs. And this is why here I am, telling you, total stranger, to change your attitude.


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## Deleted member 25986

Juan Derlust said:


> @Qwent91: What have you done in the last 18 hours to better your situation? Just curious - I'm not here to say your situation needs improvement, but I get the impression you're seeking something other than what you've got. And at 27 years old, what you've got is what you've selected


My situation does needs improvement. Just so you know but I don't have a support system here or a circle of friends or anything that other people fucking do. I have fucking nothing here... Literally fucking nothing. At 27 my life has been a fucking waste so far. I don't know how to improve my life on my fucking own because if I do I'm going to end up fucking dead. Did you know that? I just spend time online looking for people. That's all I've been fucking doing this past decade. Looking for fucking people. People. People. People... That's all I fucking do because fuck it. I didn't select anything in my fucking life. It was a mistake that I was ever born to begin with. I'm fully capable of leaving here but I'm choosing not to because I'm going to end up dead if I do. People have proven to me time and time again that they don't give a shit for me. Someone told me to commit suicide when I express to him that I was having some bad thoughts about myself. I don't fucking need that shit. That bullshit apathy. I refuse to be part of this bullshit human civilization. I want fucking nothing to with it because it's inherently wrong and immoral. My mental health is compromise at this fucking point. I can't fucking do this alone or else I'm going to end up fucking dead. By myself with no one around and I've been trying to avoid that miserable fate... I don't want that fucking shit. It's happen before to others and they didn't want it... It's a fucking shame.


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## Deleted member 25986

roughdraft said:


> thanks for the response
> 
> sometimes people are apathetic but it is our job to work together to kinda diminish that within each other or otherwise cope, might sound crazy but its just an idea
> 
> also have you considered 'why' people might be so apathetic? have you considered that maybe it is for some of the same reasons you are in such pain? people sometimes react differently to trauma or simply shitty situations, long and short term. You say you care about the "why" in other people, so I encourage you to explore this other way of seeing things
> 
> And man the whole negative attitude thing isnt always intentional, its sometimes just visceral. You know the saying "You can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink" ? If someone is having a negative attitude and i cant handle it, how its fucking ME over, it isnt 100% of the time on me to nurture them, because ive done that enough and i still do it, i LOVE helping people especially if theyre down and out....but only within reason, you gotta give a little. of course it aint that simple, just something else to think about.
> 
> It shows YOUR worth too, to how much you can build yourself up and not just blame everyone else for their shit. No, I dont think faking emotions is cool either....rather doing the real work wirhin yourself to truly feel better!
> 
> It should be clear to you that we actually have some stuff in common, do i care about why someone is hurting and the hard stuff theyve been thru? Hell yes dude, thats like my favorite thing to talk about with people, because ive also been through a lot of shit, i know it helps me to talk about it and i love helping people, and providing a type of friendship that is hard to come by, because like you, im aware of how much fuckery is afoot at every turn. The majority of my close friends, ex-girlfriends and family members have serious mental illnesses, addictions and or major trauma, i could write a book about how fucked the world is - The thing im constantly teaching myself is how to work with it and make it work for me, its always been like that, but it has ups and downs. And this is why here I am, telling you, total stranger, to change your attitude.


You're welcome. 

People are apathetic in general. At this point I believe it's a lost cause for most people to make them change to improve them because they rather die than truly change themselves and that's fucked up. 

People are apathetic because of human civilization. As a whole. Overall... It has cause nothing but harm against every living thing on this planet. Fucking literally... And it's only going to get worse. And humans have proven to me that they have no true intellect of any kind in their thick skulls... Pure human idiocy is a major cause of most problems on this planet. That's where I'm at...

I've heard that phrase before... Trust me. My "father" can go fuck himself. He has cause me a lot of emotional and some physical harm when I was growing up. He's a terrible human being and a awful father. Just terrible... I'm not the only person in the world who is cynical and other shit. There's a lot of factors of why I'm so "negative" today... And a lot of it was NOT in my control... Nope. Or else I'll be better today I guess but it doesn't really matter. What's in the past is done... I think it will take a very strong willed person to truly help someone all the way. It's how I see it. 

I think most people just don't give a shit for me as a person... So it's hard for me to show a better personality around them. I can't even argue with anyone for five minutes without me wanting to do some bad things... I think that's pretty bad of me because it shows how much intolerance I have now because my social skills are shit. People have treated me bad through out my life. I was bullied pretty bad here and there as a kid. Not good. And no one fucking help me when those things happen to me. I know my worth as a person... It's just that no one else really cares or believe or value the things that I do in my personal life.... That makes me who I am as a person. 

If we have some things in common that's great. People should have similar interests and wants here and there. I don't have anyone in person to talk to about any of this... I don't really have any outlets or closure. It just festers in me... Which isn't good. I just don't know how to make things better on my own because everything I've tried has failed over and over and over again... I have a desperation that will get worse if this continues for me. And I really want there to be a real improvement in my fucking life. Truly I do... Before this causes me big time.


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## Deleted member 125

https://www.google.com/search?ie=UT...y+therapists#scso=_QWI-XcaqCuLB_QaazonwCg19:1
I'm debating on locking this thread because you don't seem to be taking any of the advice people are giving and it's turning into something I'm not entirely sure is in any way related to stp. Yer attitude could very well be yer biggest problem, on top of seeming to not want to listen when @Juan Derlust and @roughdraft have gone out of their way and tried to talk to you but it seems to keep coming back to you having some very serious problems that strangers on a travel message board might not be equipped to give the kind of help that's pretty obvious you need. Blaming other people isn't the issue here. It's just not.

*This is gonna be my last response to you because I'm not able to spend anymore time or energy reading about how negative yer life is and how you blame other people for it. For like I dunno the third maybe fourth time now, dude talk to a therapist. Smoke some pot or go for a bike ride or make a grilled cheese. Shit just try to do something positive. It might just surprise you. 

Good luck. I sincerely hope you feel better.
*


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## WyldLyfe

You guys know you can quote, multiple quotes in one post btw.. just fyi.


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## Desperado Deluxe

Just get some work and bail for greener pastures bro, FL is expensive. it's depressing, no fun.


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## Deleted member 8978

The only plan for Atlanta I got is heading to an NFL preseason game at the Mercedes Benz Superduperdome at the end of August. Sorry, no plans for September.



juan derlust said:


> Hey @quad8 - are you going to be anywhere near Atlanta late September?


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## Deleted member 23824

Juan Derlust said:


> maybe rescuscitate this thread



If it bleeds, we can kill it.


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## Deleted member 8978

Because together as a group, we can make the StP world a better place, one thread at a time...



juan derlust said:


> I'm driving out from southern California to Denver, to Nashville (Franklin), then to Atlanta - and if you're around I'd at least try to get a selfie with you to post here and maybe *resuscitate*** this thread



** fixed a typo


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## Samo

Qwent91 said:


> Going to share some of the experiences that I had while traveling the states.
> 
> It started in June of 2015. I was on the WWOOF website which I don't recommend being on and for which I'm not on anymore because not a whole lot of good people on that site... Like everywhere else. Anyway, I contacted a intentional community called Vedrica Forest Gardens. I'm just going to say right now that this was a mistake to go that place. A complete fucking regret because it was a complete waste of my time and I got emotionally hurt by some of the worst people that you will ever meet in your life. It was located in Weippe, Idaho. I met a family who was hosting a "organic" farm there. They allowed me to come live with them and volunteer... I got there by flying. Again. This was a fucking mistake... My host is a terrible awful apathetic human... The thing about Vedrica is that it was a cult... Based on that bullshit "Ringing Cedars of Russia" crap. I was there for two months... From June to August 2015. I don't want to go into great detail of what happen there because it's just too painful and I never should have gone there in the first place anyway. I didn't even realize that it was a cult until later... My host was a woman and she emotionally fuck me up to hell and back... Lying to me and saying bad things that just didn't make any damn sense. Threatening me later and other bullshit. I saw her as a mother figure and I was sexually attracted to her along with another woman that was there. I was desperate at the time because I didn't want to come back to Florida and I have a lot of personal issues when it comes to my life growing up... It just wasn't a good mental state to be in and I never should have gone to Vedrica in the first place. My host had two kids with her partner and another kid that she adopted. It got to the point that things were falling apart and a lot of distress... They wanted me gone and other stuff. My host drop me off in Spokane, Washington so I can take a train to Eugene, Oregon because the other woman told me that it will be a "good" place for me to be at even though they were just condemning me to homelessness just so they can get rid of me.
> 
> So I went to Eugene, Oregon in August 2015. I was only there for a week... Homeless because of course. The only good thing that came out of it was unintentionally going to the Cougar Hot Springs... Everything else was shit. I just got out of there. Took Greyhound to go back to Idaho. Back to Weippe because I was desperate. That didn't work out... So I contacted another intentional community that was in Missouri in the Ozarks called Oran Mor Community. They allowed me to come. Took Greyhound again. I was only there for a week and few days because my mental state was killing me... I was very stressed and mentally overwhelmed over what happen in Idaho at Vedrica because at this time I wanted to go back to Vedrica and my host told me that I could go back if I did certain things first... This was so fucking stupid because of how desperate I was... I was at my breaking point. The first thing my host told me to do was to go to a vispassana meditation center to do a ten day course... That was another bullshit mistake that I made.... I don't even believe in meditation. It's just a placebo effect and nothing more. Bullshit. So I took Greyhound again to go to Kaufman, Texas because there was a vispassana center there... This was around August-September 2015... I was stuck in a hotel room for about nine fucking days until I could go to the center to do the ten day course. It was fucking awful. The meditation suck too. I left on the fifth day because it was just a cult that was trying to indoctrinate me. Fuck that... What a complete waste of my fucking time again. That's when I tried doing the second and last thing my host wanted me to do before she will "welcome" me back to Vedrica. To go and stay at Teaching Drum Outdoor School for a little bit in Three Lakes, Wisconsin because she has personal connections there. So I took Greyhound to go to Michigan and I hitchhike into Wisconsin. This was September 2015.
> 
> I was able to get into a week long canoe course that Teaching Drum was offering while still suffering from homelessness. It lasted for eight days from late September to early October 2015. Doing this canoe course actually was kinda decent. For the time anyway... It was a decent break. At this point my host from Vedrica went back on her "promise" to welcome me back to Vedrica. I was able to stay at Teaching Drum for nine months from September 2015 to June 2016 as a long term volunteer. Teaching Drum was also a mistake to go to in the long run and I regret going there... It's very similar to a cult of personality because the guy who founded it is a scam artist. An idiot and charlatan. Teaching Drum was bullshit. It was way too expensive to be there and it really is very similar to a cult of personality. The people there were not very good people and they were quite apathetic too... Things were not as bad for me at first but I was very quickly losing interest of being there only after 2-3 months of being there. Trouble began when my fucking host from Vedrica was going to move and live at Teaching Drum for a little bit because Vedrica didn't want her anymore... At this point I was having a backlash against her and Vedrica for what they did to me but Teaching Drum didn't listen to me... So my host came and all hell broke lose again. I tried fucking warning them... At this point I said fuck it. I loathe my host and Vedrica. Things were quickly falling apart once again. I left. Finally... By fucking Greyhound.
> 
> I went back to Oran Mor Community in Missouri. I was able to become a member there. More or less... Teaching Drum at this point didn't want me to come back because of my fucking host. Oh well... Waste of my fucking time again... Fuck Vedrica and fuck Teaching Drum. I was able to stay at Oran Mor for seven months from June 2016 to January 2017. I tried my very best to give it a chance and all that... It just wasn't for me... I felt no connection with the people there and they were doing and saying things that I don't agree with. The area was beautiful because of the Ozarks but that was it. It was in the bullshit bible belt. Anyway, I talk to the other people at Oran Mor and they thought it was best for me to take a break from Oran Mor and to travel for a little bit before deciding anything serious. So I went out west to try and visit other intentional communities if I could. I took Greyhound to go back to Eugene, Oregon to visit Alpha Farm that was in Deadwood, Oregon. That was a stupid ass place... I was there for a month and like a week or two in February into early March 2017. Absolutely no connection with anyone. No one gave a shit to talk and it was fucking lame. It was just another waste of my time. After that idiotic stay I went to a "organic" farm that was in Wolf Creek, Oregon. I don't remember the name of the place but I was only there for a week because my needs weren't being met there. That's when I was able to rent a room from a woman that I met in Eugene in March 2017. I was there for a little bit... That's when I went to yet another "organic" farm down in Redwood Valley, California. I very quickly left because I was done with the concept of "organic" farms. The hosts were awful people. I just decided to go back to Oran Mor back in Missouri.
> 
> So I went back by fucking Greyhound. I was so sick and done with Greyhound at this point. For this third and final stay at Oran Mor I was only there for a month and a few weeks from April to May 2017. It just got to the point that it was best for me to leave Oran Mor. I let it fall apart because I knew it was going to blow up in my face if I attempted to save it. Oh well... I went to Eureka Springs, Arkansas in late May of 2017. Homeless once again... Very quickly left to go back up to Michigan in Rockford because my "father" said he will help me with what I was going through... That was yet another fucking mistake... My "father" is an awful human being... Completely terrible. I was with him for two months from June to July 2017 before he screwed me the fuck over. He put me into the Pivot Crisis Center in Grand Rapids because he didn't know how to help me. I was stuck there for a month... August 2017. It was fucking awful... After that they put me into a bullshit "foster home for adults". Early September 2017. I very quickly got the fuck out of there because fuck all of it. Went back to Arkansas. Was able to contact a old woman that I met when I was living at Oran Mor. She let me live with her in Gainesville, Missorui. I was with her from September to October 2017. At that point she couldn't really help me either and I had little to no choice but to go back to fucking Florida... And I've been here ever since...
> 
> So that was my two years of traveling... I did not went into great detail here for obvious reasons... But anyway I'm just trying to meet people and trying to figure something better for myself. Thanks for reading.




I just have to stand up in defense of Meditation. Done correctly Meditation has a lot of positive health effects backed up even by science. It is not a placebo. That being I said I have no idea what sort of hoodoo voodoo meditation class they wanted you to attend.

Meditation is however not a miracle cure. I dont even know about it leading to enlightenment. But done properly without agenda it will help you control your breathing and maybe even be calming,

Ommms release nitrous oxide from your nasal cavities and people dont breathe as much as they should. I think maybe there is too much CO2 in the atmosphere or maybe we are too sedintary these days.

But other than that Meditation is just another form of Positive visualization. But I dont have any experience in it from a religious or psychological standpoint.

For me its just a way to breath and visualize where i want my life to go. I was extremely skeptical until this awesome hippie chick turned lifelong friend gave me a yoga lesson and it was the greatest high i have ever achieved. Not spiritually just because it was one hell of a fricking workout with the breathing. 

That being said I wish you nothing but joy in this world. You absolutely deserve it. Im new but I appreciated you telling your story.


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## Deleted member 23824

quad8 said:


> Nope, I been in Georgia, not even close! I can say I'm closer to the FL border but that's pretty much it.



Shoot, you two aren’t but about 250 miles apart, you’re practically neighbors.


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## Deleted member 25986

Desperado Deluxe said:


> Just get some work and bail for greener pastures bro, FL is expensive. it's depressing, no fun.


Yes it is.


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## Deleted member 8978

I got lots of neighbors pretty much, and you got some neighbors on your side of the States too, right?!



faceplant said:


> Shoot, you two aren’t but about 250 miles apart, you’re practically neighbors.


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