# Suicidal ideation



## atlas (Jan 26, 2014)

Does anyone else here struggle with suicidal thoughts or tendencies? I know it's a hard subject to talk about but stories and experiences would be very much appreciated. Any coping skills or tactics you've developed would be interesting/helpful to hear, too.


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## Bizarre Odor (Jan 26, 2014)

Man, all the time. I haven't really any coping methods that seem successful to me because sooner or later suicide seems like a viable thing again. I usually just try to surround myself with people I know can be a good support base for me, that can be hard while traveling all the time though.


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## Hylyx (Jan 26, 2014)

Yup. 
More often than I'd like to admit. 
Lately what's stopped myself is that I've had way too many friends die (mostly by offing themselves) in the past year and knowing how shitty everyone felt. Granted I don't have many friends and the only person I've shared a bed with for a year is my cat. 
So I know that thinking that my death would have a profound effect on people similar to my (way happier, more popular, more beautiful, smarter whatever-er) friends' deaths is a pile of horseshit of epic proportions, but it seems to work for now. That and it'd be way too fucked up to have my parents have to bury both their children. 

Other than that I guess I've long since come to terms with my mental fuckedness and made peace with the fact that more often than not I'm gonna have to convince myself that there really is a reason to get out of bed. I still dunno what that reason is, but I'm pretty damn sure it's not gonna come find me when I'm hiding in my sleeping bag. 

Oh and just being honest and open about it helps, too, even if at first it might not seem like it. The few friends I have know that I deal with clinical depression and are pretty fucking good at giving me an ear when I need someone to listen to me. 
Having a few close friends who know you and still give a fuck about you even if you are a broken-ass human being is SO much better than having 100 "friends" who you can't talk to about anything cuz they only want you around for themselves.

I could go on but I'll give it a break for now...


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## Ristoncor (Jan 26, 2014)

This is one of the best quotes that kept me off it. 

"People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a _feeling_. And you have to be _alive_ to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead." 

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/


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## Tude (Jan 26, 2014)

aww man - good topic to be addressed. I would love to give all of you a huge hug and to let you know that yeah there are places out there that can help, but it seems like you have found an inner place to go to --- but want you to keep going and go through it. {{hugs}}


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## Deleted member 2626 (Jan 26, 2014)

Yeah I've thought on it many times and thought other than myself a minute and realized who else it might affect and realize, life is a challenge were all gonna have some rain buck up and face er


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## Odin (Jan 26, 2014)

I think about unintentional suicide... 
I mean I have my dark times and think fuck it... but also... I am a stubborn son of a fucking monkey goat ass cock candy rock sock.... 
...
.
\wut??

sorry a bit of a spaz there...

Any way I'm fucking stubborn and even though I might think about dieing and maybe even wanting to die sometimes... I don't think I would ever take an immediate physical action to kill myself... unless maybe to avoid horrible torture or for a good deed... or for a good reason.

But as unintentional... or say "sideways" suicide... I think about that. 
Like the effects of drinking killing me someday.
Or bad habits.
Or bad risks I might take. 
The human mind is weird... full of contradictions...and honestly I don't think anyone. If they admit it or not... has not lived a bit of life without thinking about ending it.

Life is never gonna be easy. 

Sometimes though... you gotta let the gamma rays do they're magic... 

Don't die. 

Just Rage a bit.

HULK SMASH!!!


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## Tude (Jan 26, 2014)

Odin said:


> I think about unintentional suicide...
> I mean I have my dark times and think fuck it... but also... I am a stubborn son of a fucking monkey goat ass cock candy rock sock....
> ...
> .
> ...



portioned quote ...

BUT THANK you for being a fucking monkey goat ass cock candy etc etc.  Yay oh and a spaz too. thank you


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## travelin (Jan 26, 2014)

once my wife was gone there was a period I didn't wanna live anymore. I had been (and still am) in constant pain physically and it just all seemed to snowball into this huge mountain and I thought about it for days and days.

every morning I got up and I faced myself in the mirror and I told myself i've never been a quitter and no matter how much emotional pain and how much physical pain I experience, every day is life and i'm gonna fuckin live it no matter how much it hurts.

when I think about it now I remember that resolve and I get up and face every day wanting to live that day and wanting to live the next one.

ill reckon everyone thinks about it seriously. 

you're not alone...


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## johnnymarie (Jan 27, 2014)

at least once a day since i was a kid. i just find something romatically poetic about jumping in front of a train or throwing myself off a bridge. to end it all would be so easy, and some days that's all i can think about. however, when i see a little girl reach for her daddy's hand in a Safeway aisle, or drink my gas station coffee and watch the squirrels chase each other around a tree, or some random old man asks me how my day is going despite the fact that i'm sitting on a busted backpack with a dog on a rope looking like i might steal someone's car/soul, when i really stop to enjoy the little things, i think about how all of this is so beautiful and i am the only one who can experience my life through my eyes, no matter how much it fucking sucks sometimes. the life of a traveler is a strange one. it's mundane sometimes, it hurts sometimes, but at the same time, we're doing things most people can only fantasize about. i realize that i'll die someday, and in the mean time i'm gonna have a fucking blast and take in every single thing i can. maybe some day i will off myself, but it's not gonna be because i'm sad, it's gonna be because i'm done. 
that's my coping mechanism. feeling every ounce of the bullshit life throws at me and embracing the fuck out of it. laughing in it's face and still entertaining the thought of killing myself because i can do whatever i want. holding my pain in my arms and rocking it to sleep. 
if none of this makes sense, it's because i just woke up and i'm still drunk.
cheers dude. life is weird. do with it what you will, but don't forget to enjoy it while you're here. don't let pain make you too hard to be happy.


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## Kadidlehopper (Jan 27, 2014)

lifes too short, we create our own realities and live in them, every once in a while go right against your instincts and learn as much as possible everyday.

know more, work harder, expect less, rely on no one but yourself and remember you cant offend, only be offended. pick hairs when picking arguments and all ways look at the bigger picture. Never play into peoples games and avoid people who do. Avoid people who are morally less then you, lest they drag you to their level, never help the weak solely because they are weak, or for _reimbursement_, the worlds cruel, be indifferent. people never change, dont bother trying.

*the more you know the less you need*, loneliness is worst when shared, if you dont love yourself you cant love someone else, man is not an island but he can act like one.'

some of the things that help me get through the day, and I like to think of this life as more then a test for some otherworldly experience, we create our own hells to live in. I actually dont find Im so much depressed anymore as much as Ive just started to really hate people alot.

::soapbox::


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## Tick Dickler (Jan 27, 2014)

Ive never been suicidal, i love me. i spend all day with myself. but i know a guy who is. he has this thing where (its a mental disease) he isn´t really that depressed and shit, but he has (i don´t know what its english name is, i think its obsession, its basically thoughts forcing you to do stuff) and unwillingly tries to kill himself. he has to have someone watching over him and holding him when walking over bridges. i was once walking to a gas station with him, and he almost jumped of a bridge. he jumped halfway over to handrail like his body tried to stay on the bridge but his mind tried to throw him over. he didn´t go splat luckily, and i don´t know if he still has this thing.

point be, if any of you guys have anything even remotely close to this, feel really sorry for you guys.
okay this post didn´t really have a point, just know that i like you guys even though we never met.

also we should really have a rating option that says "i feel you bro"


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## Erable (Jan 27, 2014)

atlas said:


> Does anyone else here struggle with suicidal thoughts or tendencies? I know it's a hard subject to talk about but stories and experiences would be very much appreciated. Any coping skills or tactics you've developed would be interesting/helpful to hear, too.



I had them all of the time when I was in highschool, I'd wake up most days ready to die, but obviously I'm still here, and I think that's due to the fact that I realised if I were to kill myself I wouldn't be able to move on with my life or ever accomplish anything good
I'd just be rotting in the ground, and that's not what I wanted.
I guess I could also say "keep putting one foot in front of the other" and you'll be sure to find your way.


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## hobopoe (Jan 27, 2014)

Man with the psychological disorder I have, I am constantly thinking about it. Then I remember about all the cool stuff I have seen and will see by freight or by foot. The stuff that no one else will ever see. Sometimes all it takes is an open ear to listen to you during your worst times. I guess now as compared to 10 years ago, nothing has changed. Never gave thought to taking my own life but maybe putting it at risk. used to cut, it became an addiction that I finally broke.

Sorry if what I said was confusing. Tired, rushed, and scatterbrained. I will come back to this and see if I can clear things up if it was confusing.

Hopefully you feel better emotionally/more stable and you find something that makes you happy on a day to day.


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## litterlife (Jan 27, 2014)

I have extreme depression, i dont know how to handle it sometimes...
i even cut up my arms and legs with a razor
but yea... just sort of fucked up in the mind
the best thing to do is not think about it
or to get in a relationship or strong friendship 
never be alone 
if you arent alone you wont feel alone
hope this helped
dont kill yourselfs XD
::hungover::::hungover::::hungover::::hungover::


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## litterlife (Jan 27, 2014)

litterlife said:


> I have extreme depression, i dont know how to handle it sometimes...
> i even cut up my arms and legs with a razor
> but yea... just sort of fucked up in the mind
> the best thing to do is not think about it
> ...



i also do alot of drugs to help so yea go get drunk and smoke weed!!!!


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## DesertRat (Jan 27, 2014)

---Deleted---

Sorry all, just reread my post and I unintentionally came off like a pompous ass.


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## MishMish (Jan 27, 2014)

In my experience contemplating suicide has been a common occurrence when my life really sucked/I was being forced to do things against my will/was oppressed. I wanted to use my own death as a protest and an outcry, a tool, when no other request for help/communication seemed to be working...I often thought of how people in Asia had used suicide as a form of protest, in Vietnam, and today in Tibet...in my case I was somewhat held in "bondage" by the psychiatric system, which did not help me but only made me more suicidal/depressive.

Spending time in nature really helps me out when I get the urge...I see the processes of life and death intertwining there, and it soothes me...I have to examine my own existence- is my life so bad? is something not working? am I giving up because my dreams have seemed unattainable? am I running away? When I was younger I really thought I wanted to die and then I was reminded- "you will die," you will die, this will all be gone, and when you look back it will seem so brief, so small....

Sometimes I think "I'm done with Life..." but then...what would I do? And I do believe in reincarnation etc...so where would I go? Sometimes I think death would be a great adventure...but what if I'm not prepared, you know? And I totally fucked up a basically good life and jumped the gun...

Sometimes I think, okay, I don't want to "kill myself," but I have this wish to die young in some valiant manner, like saving someone's life, or "standing my ground" against the police or something....

But mostly, when I feel that way, I think- I need a change...something needs to change, I need a new scene, or I need to paint, or I need to go swimming or I need to smoke or stop smoking....Life is full of possibilities and potentialities, life is always changing...so maybe I just need to do something radical- move, get rid of all my stuff, get rid of friends who are not working out, call myself by a new name- I mean I just thought of dying, ending it, so why not just DO SOMETHING completely different, like LIVE as though the old me is dead, has died?

Actually...that is kinda how I'm trying to live. And I can't help myself but throw religion/spirituality in the mix***** lo siento**** but so many traditions say- you know- give up your life, give up all the shit you hate that binds you and wears you down, give it up, its ok to hate your life, because, at that moment, something else opens up inside, just by questioning- why is it like this? why are we like this? I think...people who seek and are really sensitive...they are prone to feel this way...

O! And there was a quote I liked--- something like: "if you are depressed and lacking confidence, first examine whether you are in fact just surrounded by assholes."

But, I must say, I really don't think suicide should be considered immoral or even cowardly...I really don't think that's fair or appropriate...I think it just says a lot about modern human existence, especially for young people in this society.

Anyways, yeah...you're not alone


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## Tick Dickler (Jan 27, 2014)

MishMish said:


> In my experience contemplating suicide has been a common occurrence when my life really sucked/I was being forced to do things against my will/was oppressed. I wanted to use my own death as a protest and an outcry, a tool, when no other request for help/communication seemed to be working...I often thought of how people in Asia had used suicide as a form of protest, in Vietnam, and today in Tibet...in my case I was somewhat held in "bondage" by the psychiatric system, which did not help me but only made me more suicidal/depressive.
> 
> Spending time in nature really helps me out when I get the urge...I see the processes of life and death intertwining there, and it soothes me...I have to examine my own existence- is my life so bad? is something not working? am I giving up because my dreams have seemed unattainable? am I running away? When I was younger I really thought I wanted to die and then I was reminded- "you will die," you will die, this will all be gone, and when you look back it will seem so brief, so small....
> 
> ...



_"in my case I was somewhat held in "bondage" by the psychiatric system"_

please tell me more about this. this is something that personally enrages me. im finally old to have a choice, so i dont have to go to that fucking shit anymore. but i know allot of people who arent, and people who are old enough, but are forced into it by family etc... 

how does the system work where you live? do you have the choice to not go to psychiatrists? i know its a longshot, but all the info i can get is something i might need. the way kids are forced to these things is terrible, and its mentally damaging. 

im not saying that all psychiatrists etc... are bad, but in some cases they just make mental conditions even worse.


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## Erable (Jan 27, 2014)

-deleted-


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## Erable (Jan 27, 2014)

litterlife said:


> I have extreme depression, i dont know how to handle it sometimes...
> i even cut up my arms and legs with a razor
> but yea... just sort of fucked up in the mind
> the best thing to do is not think about it
> ...



I disagree, I think it's important to work through your problems instead of trying to escape them. 
If it's all you can do to stay alive then by all means, run for your fucking life, but it's better to stand and fight off your demons then to try and pretend they don't exist.


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## Tude (Jan 27, 2014)

<3


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## sporehead (Jan 28, 2014)

The best most beneficial and compassionate thing you can do in life is to encounter yourself. No matter how hard things are you must know that they will pass. Life has ups and Downs, oftentimes inlong runs.

If you have love for yourself, and any inkling of something better hold onto it.

You are loved. You are fine the way you are. You are flawed like everyone but it will pass. You can't be perfect and that's what makes you human. A tangible, complex but COMPLETE being.

Never stop living, and loving. When things pass you will know that it was all to teach you about yourself. No matter what happens, the only one you will ever have is yourself. When you have that and accept it without judgement or doubt or incrimination you have everything. It's a long road but my God is it worth it.


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## MishMish (Jan 28, 2014)

Tick Dickler said:


> _"in my case I was somewhat held in "bondage" by the psychiatric system"_
> 
> please tell me more about this. this is something that personally enrages me. im finally old to have a choice, so i dont have to go to that fucking shit anymore. but i know allot of people who arent, and people who are old enough, but are forced into it by family etc...
> 
> ...


 
*****

O man...I could write you a book!

Yeah...I mean...I know its different/better Out West, in New England, in Europe, but in FL the "Baker Act" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Florida_Mental_Health_Act, I feel, is subject to extreme misuse and is used, in my experience, as a sometimes punitive measure to replace actual arrests or as a means to deal with homelessness (in which case it is misused by the homeless as well...bc it gaurantees several days of meals and showers).

I know some people are helped by medication/hospitalizations, but for me I feel it has been used as a tool of manipulation and control. It has been lorded over my head as a threat by family/authorities/etc. Also while in facilities I have been detained for needless periods of time and have had to go to "mental health court" to have myself released, because I firmly believe I was being held in violation of my rights and freedoms. For example, it is a right to refuse medication while in a facility, I have exercised this right because many meds have an adverse effect on my system, and have had doctors actually threaten and coerce me with the prospect of state hospitalization if I make efforts towards self determination in my own treatment. I've had a doctor tell me that state hospitals are almost impossible to get into, then after a week of staunchly refusing excess meds he told me that I would end up in one if I didn't comply. I told him I knew I had a kidney infection and the drugs are rough on kidneys and liver and I had been asking a nurse to test me for days and she refused. He, flustered, ordered a test that moment and demanded I leave his office.

I seriously fantasized about shanking his ass...I felt hopeless, and they wouldn't let me go...I figured prison might be preferable. I had even compared the place to jail before a staff member and she remarked: " this ain't jail, this is hell!" (pronouncing it southern style like "hail"). I watched staff almost take joy in restraining and injecting folks. I watched how patients would be roused from a med induced dead sleep to sign important documents determining their care- often too bewildered to even wake. In my court documents the doctors wrote nonsense about me, that I was delusional, psychotic, grandiose etc- but I wasn't, I mean I was in fight or flight mode for sure and in need of showers/meals/rest, but if I was psychotic/out of touch how was it that I was aware and took notes of the exact times, to the minute, according to staff wrist watches when I was held down, injected? The place was run by lawyers and business people as far as I could see...psychiatry is industry and to me an outcropping of the prison industrial complex.

I was held in that a facility for 15 days, I went to court twice in order to be released, during that time I was forcibly injected daily for 5 days- because the sadistic nurse and idiotic staff had it in for me, I begged them to stop every time, I begged them to rotate the injection site- they refused each time and I developed a wound/bleeding in the site, I filed a complaint with the DCF while interred there, I did everything in my meager power to try to stop them...Once I even held a bible and begged them to stop, lol....The reason I was hospitalized was bc the guy I was living with in the woods and I had a fight, we were both threatening to hurt the other, then he called the police and told them I was "suicidal" when I wasn't. Once the police make a "mental health" assessment the process is done. I would have rather been arrested- I even told the cops I had violated probation, they didn't care- off to the hospital.

In FL it is used as a punitive measure to be sure.... When I first got arrested last year, I said the wrong thing to the wrong nurse about suicide- it was a simple y/n question, but I was exhausted and existential and I rambled on w/o realizing, I don't even know what I had said...Next thing I knew two lady officers were aggressively dragging me into a dungeon of a med ward and stripped off my clothes. I asked them why and they said I was "suicidal!" I was shocked...they gave me a bulky horse blanket "turtle shell" as they say and stuck me in a cell surrounded by dudes banging on plexiglass, screaming, jacking off etc...and the lights stayed on 24 hours so rest was impossible...I hadn't been suicidal until that happened! Shiiiit....

I did naked yoga to protest...it was all I had  The next day I was moved into a smaller cell with two other females in turtle suits and another nurse came and said since I seemed well behaved now I would be allowed to have my "clothes" back and could proceed to general population....yippeee....

Anyways, according to the Baker Act one is only supposed to be held for 72 hours, but the docs usually force people to stay longer to become "stable" (those drugs take 3 weeks to take full effect, so really keeping someone 6, 9, 12 days etc boils down to more $$$ depending on one's insurance) then one is told that they will need to be medicated for the duration of their lifetime, which is not always the case, and some of the drugs cost $600-$1200 a month...tack on a hospital bill up to $20-30k... They also have all sorts of regular docs check you out too so everyone gets their cut, basically. Then, in my case, I had a platoon of relatives and psych staff folks constantly minding me that I stay medicated- though I plead that the meds were killing my soul, leaving me drooling for half a day...I wasn't myself, but at that time I felt so limited, hopeless and rundown...and I was in Orlando, a place I HATE... that I couldn't escape until months later...It just became such a mindfuck, it was no kind of life for me. I tried to overdose on my pills, but failed.

Once I was inside watching a TV ad for a lawsuit against the very drug I was being made to take lol.

But yeah, in most of the facilities I had been in all we did was eat, watch tv, eat more, take meds for days on end maybe play cards...miserable...a waste of existence, rarely was there "group therapy" or talk therapy depending on the facility. And we would get to go "outside" a couple of times a day if lucky...but if you play along you wont stay too long, my problem is that I argue with docs endlessly, "perverts with degrees," I call them. I once told a doc that I really didn't think they had a clue about what they were dealing with in psychiatry and they agreed.

There are alternatives...in some places...I believe we need alternatives...I am now vehemently anti-psychiatry and see it as an outcropping of nazism...
There are groups like Mind Freedom International etc which are determined to fight human rights abuses in psychiatry...but FL is just so behind...they just want us locked down and doped up and quiet bazically.

Whoa...I wrote alot...guess I needed to vent!!! Thanx!


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## Tick Dickler (Jan 28, 2014)

MishMish said:


> *****
> 
> O man...I could write you a book!
> 
> ...



oh man... how old were you? this all sounds so horrific but at the same time it sounds so familiar. 

i get fucking upset just thinking about the hopeless feeling of being held down, not being able to do your shit. freedom is extremely important to me, i guess thats why i´m so fixated with traveling all the time. all these fucking kids on drugs what the fuck is wrong with humanity? if only the public could spend five mins with a drugged down kid...

i literally clenched my fists and grinded my teeth reading your post. i believe the reason these people do this is because of an subconscious obsession of being in control. Control of other humans, a feeling of dominance. 

do they not realize that people give up and wont follow your orders because their sick and tired of you?

i made as much trouble for everyone as i possibly could in order to avoid taking drugs. eventually everyone got so sick of my shit that they gave up. i´m sorry that dint work for you.

i ended up just ignoring everything and every one because no matter what i did it didnt help. so off course these amatures assumed i was suicidal and had given up on life.

i have a mild case of tourettes sydrome. thats it. its more or less completely gone now, and iv´e never had anything else. i am diagnosed with: asperger syndrome, ocd, adhd, severe depression (apparently because i pay attention in class and didnt have any friends), add, anxiety disorder (what? i dont even close the bathroom door when i take a piss), and whatever else you could think of. i recently had a psychiatrist (who had never met me/ seen my record) tell me i didnt have any sort of mental dissorder.

since when does a 4yr old have adhd just because he cant sit still on chair 5 hours a day? that seems pretty normal to me.
it seems today that being different qualifies as a mental disorder.

i feel so sorry for you and hope youre doing better now.

im planning on getting super rich when i grow up (haha just you wait) in order to obtain the power i need to fight this retarded system
being suicidal seems so like such an alien state to be in and i hope it never happens to me.

anyways i say this allot but you sound like me. good luck.


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## MishMish (Jan 29, 2014)

Yeah its nuts...

Well, I got them back when I could. I flooded the shower room in one facility and got 6 offices wet, touched their hair and butts when they came to drag me out...in another facility I made tools and started dismantling toilet/sink/plumbing to the best of my ability and climbed up on the book cases annoying the staff etc...

Hey, forget being super rich to change things, we just gotta be super informed and super connected, with enough people aware as possible. All these practices come down to ignorance, I believe, ignorance and distraction-

people are too busy with bull shit to pay attention to what is important, like their kids, like the world around them...everyone wants a quick fix, an easy way...

Thanks for your response!!!


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## Tick Dickler (Jan 29, 2014)

MishMish said:


> Yeah its nuts...
> 
> Well, I got them back when I could. I flooded the shower room in one facility and got 6 offices wet, touched their hair and butts when they came to drag me out...in another facility I made tools and started dismantling toilet/sink/plumbing to the best of my ability and climbed up on the book cases annoying the staff etc...
> 
> ...



my dream is truly to be able to change stuff like this. and the responses are always the fucking same;
not gonna happen.
or
in your dreams
or my favourite,
that only happens to 1 in a million.

bitch how are you supposed to change the world if you don´t even try?
one of the biggest problems with people today, is that the just sorta accept the problems. i quit school because i want to travel the world. people keep telling me that "youre not special, you cant just do as you please. everyone wants to do their thing, but youre not an exception". 
so what? youre just gonna accept this shitty situation? things arent gonna be what you want them to because you don´t even fucking try!

theres also this thing with people trying to bring others down, because theyre miserable. like all these people who want to ban weed. what? other people cant have fun just because you dont?
ive never smoked weed, but i dont see the problem? people are just having fun, it doesnt hurt anybody.

huh, it does feel kinda good to get this shit out.


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## MishMish (Jan 31, 2014)

A lot of us are dreaming for that...and a lot of us don't even know we can dream for something like that...yet


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## drewski (Feb 2, 2014)

When referring to the death of Hunter S. Thompson, Ralph Steadman said Hunter once told him he would feel very trapped if he didn't have the option of taking his own life.

This is EXACTLY how I feel.

I don't see living to be really old as something to look forward to. I'm sure almost no one does. From my observation, you never just "die of natural causes" this day in age and almost always live the last years in pain due to a disease or physical disablility. Whenever I see someone really old in public or think of my own grandfather during his last years, this is clear to me.

I took care of him full-time and watched a hard-ass Korean War veteran be stripped of everything enjoyable and worth living for due to all sorts of medical problems. He ate pre-packaged food, watched TV, and smoked cigarettes while he had his oxygen machine running into his nose, which could have blown the house up and us included. He didn't care, and I didn't blame him. But that was the only thing that gave him some damn sanity was having a smoke. Those three things pretty much were his life. The tiny room in our boring townhouse. He couldn't go anywhere or do anything. But we loved him so much. My mother and I not only took care of him, but we did whatever we could to make his day a positive one in many little ways, and we had a lot of fun.

So ultimately, I think what it boils down to in life is love. I can say for sure that love is what keeps me alive and probably the only thing.

That is my coping method. Without it, I would have blown my brains out with the shotgun in my closet a long time ago.

--

If that isn't enough, and for reasons that are your own personal business you are still thinking about killing yourself, you should educate yourself on the consequences and also how to do it properly and efficiently. This is not an encouragement by any means. The link below is the most informing website I've ever been on when I was contemplating suicide, and it helped me out tremendously.

http://www.lostallhope.com/


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## Mudfinger (Feb 2, 2014)

I've been living with clinical depression for 30 years now. PTSD, too.

After a couple decades of "successful" self-medication with a wide variety of intoxicants, I turned to psychotherapy, which helped keep me alive for another decade. Last year, I got to the point that it was either time to off myself or get psychiatric care. Obviously, I chose the latter, and to my complete surprise, encountered some very caring and compassionate doctors and nurses who were passionate about ensuring that I got the care I needed.

Turns out, I had a neurological issue in addition to the mood disorders. Partially collapsed blood vessel was restricting Oxygen flow to my brain, resulting in some VERY strange behavior and experiences. Blackouts, hallucinations, impaired impulse control, etc.

Surgery sorted all that out, and I'm feeling better than I have in many years. Still have the mood disorders, and I still ideate, but the intensity is once again manageable.

Moral of the story is: If you're feeling suicidal, reach out to the professionals, and give them a solid chance to help get you sorted out. Psych meds aren't going to fry your brain in tue course of a few months, and may really be helpful for some folks. You can always stop taking them if you don't like what they do.


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