# These are always fucking hilarious...



## Whiteyisacommiefaggot

I would like to hear a story about the first time you shit yourself. I was amazed at how much this actually happens, especially among the traveler community.
Here's mine:
About A year ago after a bender, I woke up the next day having to shit the worst I've ever had to in my life. I literally was walking down the streets of Portland with my thumb practically up my ass.
I took one step into the Whole Foods (near Powell's) and shit all over the inside of my pants. I felt SO fucking ashamed of myself. I asked this lay worker there where the bathroom was, and she pointed to back back of the store and said that it was all the way in the back on the second floor.
Fuck.
So, I waddled ever so quickly shitting more and more with each step until I eventually reached the bathroom and fucking UNLOADED into that poor little toilet. It probably needed therapy for PTSD after that. I looked around the bathroom and there was shit EVERYWHERE. The janitor who worked their was not paid enough.
So, I felt smart for packing a change of clothes.
Funnier than that was throughout the day people were all like "Dude, what's the matter? You look all sad and depressed and shit." And I was like, "Oh, nothing. I don't want to talk about it." When I finally told someone about it, I, righteously, got made fun of and got to hear other stories about people shitting themselves in the most awkward situations and the most unfortunate times.
So, share you excretory adventures with the world!


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## connerR

> I would like to hear a story about the first time you shit yourself.



...what?


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## wartomods

well you have to learn to shit on the woods, l had litterally on multiple ocasions to wip my ass on plant leaves


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## Whiteyisacommiefaggot

connerR said:


> ...what?




Seems self explanatory.


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## connerR

indeed, it was. I just thought it was a strange topic. 

I think the last time I shat myself I was wearing diapers. I'll go to great lengths to avoid it.


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## mofaux

I just shit myself a few weeks ago but I was in bed and had a flu that may rival the swine flu


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## Whiteyisacommiefaggot

It was the swine flu. Quickly quarantine your living area and burn all your property... Or just walk into a crowded area and start coughing on people.


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## BrokeWhiteBoy

Whiteyisacommiefaggot said:


> It was the swine flu. Quickly quarantine your living area and burn all your property... Or just walk into a crowded area and *start coughing on people*.



This works...


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## bote

got super dehydrated in Belizeian jungle like 2 months ago, got into town after dark and wasn`t feeing rght. This jerry curl dude starts trying to get money out of me and I was all weak and disoriented, wound up following me dwn a side street and into an abandoned lot. I gave him a little bottle of booze to distract him and he said he was going to get me food, then he left and I looked around for a way out of this bad situation. There was a villa under construction and by hanging over the sea wall i got into the yard and then climbed a tall bamboo fence towards the roof, hoping there wasn`t anyone lounging in bed behind the dark picture windows, watching my shape raid there place and I imagined triggers getting cocked or no i didn`t but i was worried about my situation. On the roof i pushed in under an eave as far as i could go and hoped the coyote wouldn`t notice the ladder like i did and come after me, after i time i heard voices calling or pissed off below or maybe it was just the wind and the waves and somewhere along in there, i basically shit myself. Ah the glorious life of adventure.


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## Rash L

WORST stomach bug + dope sickness a few years ago while living in a bush in San Fran. NOT fun, but my boyfriend had shit his pants the night before for the same reason, so at least he couldn't really laugh at me. I just couldnt get the tent unzipped fast enough I think (that day was a bit hazy for me all together)... after my boy soiled himself he spent the entire night without pants, wandering around the bushes in the dark by himself every 15min or so to do his business. I ended up STILL being deathly ill for an 8hr car ride down the coast the next day. 

WORST WEEKEND EVER.
...and I'm still not sure why I am sharing this with you.


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## Whiteyisacommiefaggot

Rash L said:


> WORST stomach bug + dope sickness a few years ago while living in a bush in San Fran. NOT fun, but my boyfriend had shit his pants the night before for the same reason, so at least he couldn't really laugh at me. I just couldnt get the tent unzipped fast enough I think (that day was a bit hazy for me all together)... after my boy soiled himself he spent the entire night without pants, wandering around the bushes in the dark by himself every 15min or so to do his business. I ended up STILL being deathly ill for an 8hr car ride down the coast the next day.
> 
> WORST WEEKEND EVER.
> ...and I'm still not sure why I am sharing this with you.



It's fucking amusing, you know, getting then shit out.

Man, I suck with puns.


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## RnJ

wartomods said:


> well you have to learn to shit on the woods, l had litterally on multiple ocasions to wip my ass on plant leaves



I find toilet paper so incredibly useless 6 days of the week, that I don't even want to pack a roll. So I always use leaves when doing the deed in the bush. I would never unload in a bush in town though, unless it was severely emergency. That'd be so rank, and it totally homebum.


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## RnJ

Rash L said:


> I ended up STILL being deathly ill for an 8hr car ride down the coast the next day.
> QUOTE]
> 
> One things for sure, I would NEVER hitchhike with that kind of condition.
> If I knew the person very well, I might consider getting into a car.


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## Rash L

RnJ said:


> One things for sure, I would NEVER hitchhike with that kind of condition.
> If I knew the person very well, I might consider getting into a car.



Haha.. it was my boyfriend's parents. I had to Stop a number of times to puke on the side of the road and one of those times a cop came up and asked us if we needed an escort to the hospital, he was really sweet for a cop. Also LOTS of rest stops... I ended up laying on the floor of one of the rest stop bathrooms groaning for an hour while the driver napped a bit. NASTY.


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## IAteTheKittens

*This is different*

I was hanging out with this goth kid back in town when I got the worst case of the squirts. So To his astonishment I dived into this little thicket of trees while shitting all over this poor guys wood chip pile, good thing it was dark out. Well I guess i didn't hear goth kid leave cause when i recovered enough to leave the thicket he was gone. I wonder why?


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## Mouse

always keep shit tickets on hand! mcdonalds napkins save lives.

my first and only pants pooping was a small one, thankfully. 

it was a cool damp night in Portland.... I had whiskey shits, chinese food, and the space bag olympics inmy blood stream and was trying to find the bathroom on a hillside camp in the woods... not fun. barely had my pants unbuttoned when I couldn't help it anymore, luckily only a fraction of it ended up in my pants.


but, this one time, when I was in high school I got some MAJOR stomach flu. Put me outta comminsion for a week. I started puking and shitting my gutts out all at one time and the trash can was missing so I tried to balance myself with my ass on the throne and my head over the tub... and I failed. Ended up shitting on the floor/wall because I fell to my knees from the gut wrenching pukes and there was no longer a toilet under my ass as I had originally planned.


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## IAteTheKittens

*anyone remember?*

Anyone remember the south park episode where kenny doesnt want his parents to conceive another child so first he gets his father to play catch with him only to throw the ball and shatter his fathers left testicle, then he makes his mother her favorite drink spiked with "get this baby out of me" abortion pills but his father accidently drinks it and ends up shitting his guts out . THEN He gets his parents to take him to the amusement park where his father rides "The John Denver experience" only to end up both shitting and puking at the same time into a trash can. That had to be the funniest shit ever.


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## jabbyscabby

Warning:This might be to much Imfo
So i was being a homebum in a little town of Auburn, CA. And pretty much, I was on one of my Half gallon of whiskey a day benders... And im serious, I do drink this much...SADLY
And well i had awaken under "Bum jungle", A bridge that has train tracks going under it and a top shelf. Well my friends, Acorn est.. woke me up and asked me if i would like some Mongolian... Her Treat. So i Stumbeld my way into town with her and friends. I relized that i was starting to chafe REALLY BADLY.... So im thinking *woahhh*, i need to change my pants, you know..... Dirt ,Sweat, and the occasional piss that drips down your leg when your drunk and didn't wipe good enough. HAS created crusty Smelly horribal goodness.... Kinda starting to smell Like "In n Out" .. That burger Joint, But with a twist. So we finally reach the food joint and i have this Horribal rash thats just getting worse by every step... and well i go to the bath room to check out my rash and clean it up a bit!!!! AND WOAAHH WHAT A SURPRISE. The crust wasn't just Sweat piss and dirt but DIARRHEA. Dried up crusty Diarrhea. I became SOber at once and started to panic ofcorse, because im thinking that i just walked a mile, with a poopy ass, for the world to see, point, and Laugh at! So i checked the outside of my pants and all there was, was some dirt, and a black grease stain from sitting on the train tracks. 

When did i shit myself? I dont know.... Like i said, *I was on a bender*!

The End


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## dirty_rotten_squatter

I had just eaten some kinda shady mexican food, along with having a vodka hangover. I stepped outside into the hot air from the cool restaurant and BAM straight down mah fuckin leg man. This topic is fucked up.


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## hshh

your not alone, i was working for a landscaping company last year and had to shit so bad i just coulnt hold it and there was no bathroom around so it just came. i serously just shit my self in some persons back yard while wearing shorts with houses all around and it just came down my leg. i had to say i slipped in dog shit and i soaked my self with the persons hose


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## syphilust

I have a story similar to botes - was working overseas and ended up getting a horrific case of the "delhi belly". for nine days i couldnt move off a cockroach infested mat in a shitty room where people could (and did) open a small window to watch you. id crawl to the bathroom (which was a squat toilet - and you use water/hand to wipe) and my entire bodily fluids would pour out of me. i thought i was dying - seriously - i just moaned a lot. no one really knew i was there or in trouble. i dont think anyone back home even knew what country i was in. some japanese lady would leave a bit of food once or twice and i just drank lots of water (which was this terrible bind - the water is what gets you sick but i couldnt get out to buy much so drank from the tap quite a bit and each time you think how it could kill you but you crave it so much...). i mainly hallucinated and cried (the mandatory quinine didnt help my psyche then). shat all over the bed and laid there cold and naked. good times.

also, what about stories of other peoples shit on you?
i've had that a few times but by far the grossest (and more recent) was when i decided to batten down and get a job. premanently. so I took a job at the waste treatment plant (not because i was desperate - i was actually excited at the prospect - killer good pay too). mostly it was sitting around and doing neat things and learning trade skills, but the dirtiest job was to clean the digesters. long story short - me inside a giant intestine filled with other peoples shit, in waders and scba and i get pulled around by a suction tube - end up being pulled under for a bit and thrown around in the air. when i crawled out i was covered in shit, plus my waders were full. when I pulled them a huge torrent of thick sludgy poo poured out and i just layed there apparently looking comically calm and asking for a hose.
i quit soon after
blah


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## bote

yuck!


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## bote

what a shitty thread


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## Komjaunimas

Well i'll tell my story too. It was autumn 2005 i think, and i have caugt Rotovirus ( the one that makes you shit liquid and voimit every 15minutes or so ). So i took some pills with me from stomach (not to voimit) and some medicine to shit bricks and not liquid. We hitched to another town (60 miles or so) and went to a gig. I got wasted and woke up at friends apartment with dried up shit on my legs, ass and everywhere near. My excuse of the smell was that i suppose i steped in a dog shit. <-- thats not the best part. Well we had to hitch back, there were no place for me to wash clothes or take a shower so i just hitched covered in shit, luckily a car stoped and took me home, well the driver wasn't very happy because of the smell . I got home, but the door was locked from inside so i rang the doorbell. I got electrocuted and i started shitting myself, i could feel liquid shit running thrue my legs, into my sneakers and out of the sneakers onto the floor. My mom opened the door, started laughing hysterically, said that im an idiot and i deserve that. And that she dosen't want my clothes in the house. So i had to undress in corridor and throw everything away...


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## wartomods

I had a similar virus or the same i dont know, or was it food poisoning i dont know, i just know that i hate a bit of seafood ( from a seafood festival not from dumpsters) and i had this extreme case of shit and puking for like a week, i just had to stay at home. There is not nothing as worse as not knowing what you prefer: shiting or pukeing, and then going to the bathroom and have to do both. Extrimely violent and out of control.


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## Komjaunimas

wartomods said:


> I had a similar virus or the same i dont know, or was it food poisoning i dont know, i just know that i hate a bit of seafood ( from a seafood festival not from dumpsters) and i had this extreme case of shit and puking for like a week, i just had to stay at home. There is not nothing as worse as not knowing what you prefer: shiting or pukeing, and then going to the bathroom and have to do both. Extrimely violent and out of control.



Yeah thats the problem with these deseases its uncontrollable ...


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## NickCofphee

I don't have any really good stories. A few times I thought I had to fart and some came out brown. Yuck!


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