# Struggling to Cope



## EphemeralStick (Jun 2, 2019)

Matt suggested I make a thread about whats been going on with me so I guess here that is. 

Admitting I need help is next to impossible for me. One of the things I have always prided myself on was my ability to be there for other people, focusing on myself has never been easy. I feel like I've been at this low point so many times in my life that I'm starting to feel like depressed is just my natural state. Even as I type this I can feel the regret rising up in me like some premonition of shame yet to come.

I've been struggling to cope for weeks now. Right now I'm off the road; I'm working on an isolated mountain for the summer like I always do but this time is different. I got my van up the mountain haphazardly back in March. Due to the excessive amount of rainfall California has had these past months I wasn't able to drive myself off the mountain until the end of April. Unfortunately during that time a rat got into my engine and fucked up all sorts of wiring. When I took it into the shop they found that the oil pan was also crushed and the ABS sensor on my wheels was destroyed; both caused by the mountain road I had to drive up back in March. I took my car in on April 28th; it is now June 2nd and it is still in the shop, waiting a new sensor that's been on back order.

I haven't had any ability to take care of myself since March. I work as a grower so the only person I see regularly is my boss, who is also my friend mind you, but the situation has begun to put a strain on things. I'm 100% reliant on him for every aspect of my life. Since I have no van I have to live in his cabin, rely on him for food and necessities, as well as the obvious payment side of things. It's exhausting.

God, reading this now I must sound like an ungrateful fuck but I'm not. I've always struggled with depression but this level of isolation is a new type of sadness. I'm always alone; usually that's a figurative statement but today it's quite literal. My self worth has plummeted, I feel like this sadness and isolation are all I'll ever know; even when I'm not physically isolated I still feel this emptiness. I'll never have a significant other or even a core friend group I can turn to; I'm not worthy of those kinds of relationships; I'm far too damaged from past trauma and failed friendships to let anyone close to me again.

I thought that quitting drinking would make things better. Haven't had a drop of alcohol since March 15th and I thought I'd start to feel progress being made by now but I just feel more anxious than ever. I want to drink away these feelings, so god damn much. Instead I just smoke large amounts of weed in an effort to numb the pain but then I realize I'm just trying to use THC as the same escape I relied on alcohol to give me, which in turn throws me further into a depression. 

Each day I feel worse. I hide it from my boss and downplay it to anyone who asks how I'm doing. I'm trying so hard to get through this on my own like I usually do but it's not working. Some nights I can't help but feeling like ending it all; just giving up and letting oblivion sort this shit out. I know folks would miss me but honestly I'm hurting far too much to be concerned with how everyone else will cope. My only rational thought against that notion is that I won't let my nieces and nephew grow up without a queer uncle to help them navigate an unjust world. I had no one in my family to turn to when I was outed; I can't stand the thought of abandoning them to the same fate.

I do this to myself. I don't want to be alone anymore but I close myself of from everyone and anyone. I'm just tired.

So very tired.


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## Desperado Deluxe (Jun 2, 2019)

I feel ya just remember there's always a light at the end of it all. it might not be clear now but once you get there it'll be clear what you were working for and take your past mistakes as a lesson. Its hard as f### in ca I hope you can gather up ye acorns and make a base for yourself somewhere here or elsewhere. Put yourself in a better position to grow in the future. You got something going on and even if all you get done is getting your car fixed at least you got that.
I'm in ca too and its tough but I'm still making things happen and its all going to pay off. Just try to stay on top of it all.


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## AAAutin (Jun 2, 2019)

If there's anything I've learned from falling into similar holes, it's to buck against the natural inclination to isolate. REACH OUT TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. Not only will it grant multiple perspectives, but your loved ones _want_ to help and being allowed to help will make them feel trusted/useful/important. (As someone who never wanted to burden anyone with my shit—I am just now learning this lesson...as a 37-year-old man.)


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## Deleted member 23824 (Jun 2, 2019)

I’m nearby if you need anything.


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## Matt Derrick (Jun 2, 2019)

EphemeralStick said:


> God, reading this now I must sound like an ungrateful fuck but I'm not.



i don't think anyone reading this thinks you're ungrateful. it's just the reality of your situation, being isolated and acknowledging that is okay. so don't feel bad about complaining about your current situation, that's your reality right now and it's something you obviously want to fix, so there's nothing wrong with acknowledging the problem.



EphemeralStick said:


> Each day I feel worse. I hide it from my boss and downplay it to anyone who asks how I'm doing.



that's one thing that has really gotten to me personally, im just soooo sick of pretending everything is okay. since i work in the service industry (in a hotel) i constantly have to put on a smile and be overly nice to people that don't deserve it even though im a ball of seething hate under the mask.



EphemeralStick said:


> then I realize I'm just trying to use THC as the same escape I relied on alcohol to give me, which in turn throws me further into a depression.



yeah, i feel like food has become the same crutch for me. as an ex-smoker i fidget to have something to do when i'm not contstantly physically engaged. i know this has led to me eating terribly at all times of the day as a biproduct of trying to stay busy and not having anyone around to socialize with. i've gained a ton of weight this year (on top of already being very overweight) and that often throws me down a spiral of depression as well.

anyways, not trying to make this about me, just saying you're not alone in having those feelings, and it's likely there is a reason for it (isolation/loneliness) that can hopefully be addressed.

based on what you told me before, your friend/boss isn't in a position to help/understand/sympathize but you're still beholden to them to finish the job you promised to do. i know i mentioned this before, but if things are as bleak as you say, you should absolutely remove yourself from that situation asap. i know you very much don't want to screw over your friend/boss, but honestly if they can't understand where you're coming from and are more concerned about you leaving than your mental health, they're not as good of a friend as you need right now.

i'm not trying to cast aspersions, cause i don't know the guy... my point is just that it's probably time to move on. if things are this bad this year they're not going to get any better the next year, and there are plenty of other jobs out there. unless you leaving means complete devastation to his business (seems unlikely) he can probably find someone else in a pinch and cover the tasks you're doing in the meantime.

you gotta put the money, your personal honor, and your mental health on the scales and decide what's most important to you. im not saying you have to run out the door right now, but maybe it's time to pack up and head for sunnier skies when that part comes in for your van. your friend/boss will likely survive, and if he curses you for all eternity they probably weren't as good of a friend as you imagined.

anyways, enough ranting, you heard me say this before. just give it some thought, k? i hope you feel better, and you can rant at me whenever you like


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## Eng JR Lupo RV323 (Jun 2, 2019)

I feel you on that stuck on a mountain portion, and much of the other stuff too but I believe you have a much worse case of it. Cept the rain, the rain has definitely been a motherfucker this year. At least we're finally out of that though, I think? We're so behind too, we barely got em outside about 10 days ago. If you ever wanna just chat on the phone with someone I'm super down to join ya, maybe get your mind on some other stuff for a bit. I'll DM you my number.


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## iamwhatiam (Jun 2, 2019)

I'm sorry you're feeling so down in the dumps Andy. Wish I could give you a big hug right now. 

Like Matt said, your mental health takes priority over anything. I'm sure if your boss is really a friend, he will understand that, if you decide to leave the mountain. 

You're always welcome here if you find yourself in Washington. Hoping you find balance and start feeling better soon. You're a great person and deserve the best.


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## EphemeralStick (Jun 2, 2019)

@Matt Derrick I know you've mentioned leaving once I can but that's just not a viable option. I need to finish this job because of the very nature of how my job works. I have to stick it out until after harvest otherwise I'd be walking away from my percentage of what we grew and that's several thousand dollars that I can't just walk away from. It would be irresponsible and the lack of money while job hunting would just add a whole bunch of new stress factors.

Changing locations isn't the answer. If there is one thing I've learned with certainty it is that a change of scenery is only a band aid for my issues. I made a commitment, maybe I'm too stubborn but I wouldn't be who I am if I broke that.

I don't think I'm working this job next summer though. It's definitely time for something new. I just have to stick it out a few more months then I'll have enough money set aside to go the places I want to go and find new work where I want to.

@Engineer J Lupo Unfortunately I don't have cell service on the mountain. I use the satellite wifi we have here for texting but call quality is abysmal. Thanks for the thought though.

And thanks to everyone else. I still feel like crap but it helps to hear encouragement.


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## Matt Derrick (Jun 2, 2019)

EphemeralStick said:


> @Matt Derrick I know you've mentioned leaving once I can but that's just not a viable option. I need to finish this job because of the very nature of how my job works. I have to stick it out until after harvest otherwise I'd be walking away from my percentage of what we grew and that's several thousand dollars that I can't just walk away from. It would be irresponsible and the lack of money while job hunting would just add a whole bunch of new stress factors.



okay, well in that context i see what you're saying. even though i similarly reached a breaking point where i wasn't sure if it was worth being here in walla walla, i similarly decided to stay since even though i seriously think it's damaging me psychologically, it would take me years to repay my parents what will only take a few months here. so that can be a strong motivator, i guess.



EphemeralStick said:


> Changing locations isn't the answer. If there is one thing I've learned with certainty it is that a change of scenery is only a band aid for my issues. I made a commitment, maybe I'm too stubborn but I wouldn't be who I am if I broke that.



well, i still think you'd be surprised how your outlook might turn around once you get somewhere you can socialize. isolating yourself like that certainly isn't helping. i know it can be a struggle to open up to folks, but maybe even just sharing your thoughts here between work periods might help, at least you'll have some interactions with people that are sympathetic to your situation and general outlook.


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## Eng JR Lupo RV323 (Jun 2, 2019)

I have satellite internet too, boy does it suck. We have a phone service attached to ours but I know that isn't available everywhere. I'm actually shutting the phone off soon and switching to viasat internet only no phone but I think we can still do Skype and stuff. Well Skype me if you want, Junebugwaltz is my name on there. Hang in there buddy, ride this season out and make changes in November/December. We're gonna switch over to CBD next year and blow up all 40 acres if everything goes according to plan. I know I can make a space for you and there's really no bosses here, just friends working together. The owner doesn't even know how to grow he leaves it entirely up to us and just provides the property for a share. I know it's similar but it's an option and it's a change. Things to ponder at very least. <3


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## croc (Jun 2, 2019)

First of all *big hug*

Second, your feelings are real and important. U don't sound ungrateful in any way. Gratitude for what u have doesn't= having what u need. 
From reading your posts over the last couple years, I know you've been through and overcome some major bullshit. 
This chapter will be another. 
U will push through this, develop new skills for future struggles, and grow (not just weed). 

Your niece n nephew are so lucky to have u in their life, especially in their corner. 

You're strong and important and compassionate and funny. 

Mindfulness practice was life changing for me. Looking up some exercises could help u too. 
Maybe it's time to seek treatment in a medication kind of way to dull the ache that makes u want to die without intoxicating u. 
Kudos on not drinking for this long!!! 

If you'd like my absolute best advice for this kind of thing... Treat yourself the way you'd treat one of your best friends. 
What would u say to someone u love who is going thru a really deep depression? How would u want them to treat themself? 
Hug yourself (especially since you're physically isolated from other people). Tell yourself "I love u" until it's true. 
No one can take care of yourself the way u can. No one can love u the way u can love u. 
Become your own best friend. 

Message me absolutely any time you'd like. You're gonna be okay, Andy.


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## roughdraft (Jun 2, 2019)

I'm not going to make this about my current situation, I just want you to know that I completely relate to your stress... that it seems bottomless.... it's not always as it seems... you can absolutely sort this out and get well


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## salxtina (Jun 3, 2019)

Hey - sorry we didn't get to meet up when I was in Cali, and sorry you're in this situation now - it would still be rad if our paths could cross at some point - I'm cleaning for rich people right now. I've been in situations where I feel a lot like I'm wasting resources and time no matter what I do but if I used my time/resources differently I'd still feel like I'm making the wrong choice, but I'm trying to let go of that because, everybody's hierarchy-of-needs is different and nobody's is wrong or fake. Right now I'm staying housed up because not having a KITCHEN would mess with me pretty badly I'm pretty sure.
Sounds like waiting out the season/payday is the big marker you're waiting out before you can make some bigger life changes?

This was the passage that stuck with me most from the Dispossessed, for what it's worth. Took something away from it about how self compassion can be a tool for fighting how the 9-5-world, clinical mental health, and lots of nu-agey stuff insist that you should always be doing something to have *"healthier thoughts or feelings"* - as if feelings rather than actions could be right/wrong! - and how useful action proceeds from a radical core willingness to share experiences of reality where _nothing can be done..._


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## WyldLyfe (Jun 3, 2019)

EphemeralStick said:


> I'll never have a significant other or even a core friend group I can turn to; I'm not worthy of those kinds of relationships; I'm far too damaged from past trauma and failed friendships to let anyone close to me again.



Hey, read the post, won't go through an quote it all, but here is something to point out, this is a block in your mind, some trauma, an idea within that needs to be looked and dealt with so that you can move through it and release it. Can you let this go? you can.. depression is not the natural state of human beings as you say you wonder, try being with the pain and sadness, feel it, embrace it instead of trying to avoid it, be honest with yourself and be there for yourself, if you feel like no one else is there for you, were always there for ourselves.


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