# Dealing with Loss and Aging



## rando (Jan 18, 2019)

The older I get the more I can see what I've lost. The more I think about I the opportunities I didnt take advantage of. When I look back on my life, (which, mind you is not a very long time) there are faces of those that I loved that now I can hardly picture in my mind's eye. Lovers and friends whom I've left or those I never loved or befriended at all. Perhaps if I would've taken my chance with you, you wouldn't have a child from someone you haven't loved in years. Or if I would have tried harder to help you my friend you would still be alive. Or never would have gone to prison. If i would have asked you to stay where would we be now? What could I have changed? What couldn't I have changed. 

The thing about life that's most difficult for me to cope with is that I can never go back. That is likely why I am so certain that from here on out I will only do what feels right. Ignoring my instinct is a childlike thing of the past. Too much time spent wondering "what if?" will drive a person mad. It's time to start living for today... right?


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## Coywolf (Jan 18, 2019)

This is a very good topic to discuss on StP, because I feel like damn near 100% of us have had these same thoughts, more than once.

I have lived, the past 10 years, with the idea that I would have no regrets in life, if I lived life as I wanted to live it. WRONG. Everyone will have regrets about something or someone. Although I have came close to my "goal" of living without regrets, I have a huge one. She could have been my everything. The kindest, most amazing person I have ever come to love, and I fucked her, wronged her in the worst way possible, at the worst possible time.

People are not perfect, that includes you. Whether it be perfect to others, or perfect in your own mind. When I was a grade-school child I would have panic attacks, worrying about death, and what I could not accomplish in life, as well as hurting others and not being able to deal with the guilt. It was crippling, man, seriously. I was like 10-15. What the fuck is up with that?

As I was a test child for Ritalin, I opted to stay away from anti-depression/anxiety medication, no matter how much my doctors and parents pushed them. Thank god for that, because i would be so fucked right now, unable to afford that medication after years of taking it.

I compensated, oh lord, did I compensate, with drugs and alcohol. I still compensate with alcohol all the time, unfortunately I have become an alcoholic trying to deal with my anxiety and doubt and worry. But ya know what? I know I'm fine. I live my life the best I can, and have sworn to myself to do my best to never wrong anyone again in my life, and attempt to make others lives better. That is a main reason I am on this website, I know there are others like me out in the world that can benefit from the support of like minded individuals.

The past is the past. You cannot change it. The only thing that is worth living for in life is bettering yourself, and, hopefully, the world around you. Thanks for the opportunity to discuss this topic.


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## Art101 (Jan 18, 2019)

After 30 plus years of this life if I kept looking back I would have killed myself (I tried with drugs and booze).Today I focus on today.Yesterday was the easy day and tommorow isnt here yet so why stress.We have all loved lost and fucked things it up.It seems to be what we do lol.Anyways love topics like this.


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## wokofshame (Jan 18, 2019)

my biggest regret also is hurting my exes. i also regret getting caught up in love and losing my reason in the face of infatuation, but then, i guess that's what love is, right?
i also regret putting up with actions and hurtful behaviors from those very people and not just splitting up with them- hindsight is 20/20.
we make our own fates- i don't see death as a negative, i don't feel sorry for those who have died. this life is suffering and it has it's laughs but i just can't imagine it hurting to be dead. Tchaikovsky once described death as us being an ant on a railroad track and living our little ant life and then a freight train comes hurtling down the track and that thundering freight is death and we never see it coming much less comprehend it because we live on such a smaller scale we can't envision that train in it's sheer magnitude.
i think a lot of people like to feel sorry for themselves and garner sympathy from others by mourning the dead excessively. i don't want to be mourned , i have a lot left to do and now i'm just trying to fit it in what's left.
i remember being a younger person just starting to travel, i would head to some kind of festival or event and then attempt to reach another. one day i met an old-school tramp under the bridge, he had no interest in whatever i was headed to, instead he was just going to sit under the bridge leaning against his dirty MOLLE pack drinking a 12-pack of Milwaukee Ice, not caring which train in particular came, he'd grab the first thing smoking. i spent the next few years occasionally thinking of his mindset and then, one day, i became him. no longer interested in going to anything in particular except the train yard and the beer store, realizing what i sought was no destination. now i don't even drink. i think there's some kind of zen parable therein


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## rando (Jan 18, 2019)

Thank you guys for responding, I take responces like these to heart. @Coywolf what youre saying about learning from mistakes and letting go, (forgiving yourself) very much resonates. Im glad to hear that perspective and its good to know you are aware of your alcoholism and not denying to yourself. @Art101 trying to kill ourselves with substance abuse, (passive suicide) is all too easy, at least in theory. Thats one of the things thay get to me the most, when I look around at my peers and also at my past. Numbing ourselves to reality and its inevitable consequences is a cop out for sure and I'm definitely trying to be more conscious of that. 
@wokofshame the worst relationships, (particularly those youre talking about where both people are hurting each other) usually seem like the best relationships in the beginning no? Before you realize what's really happening? I like your real-life parable about the old hobo. It reminds me of another parable about a Buddhist monk. 
Thank you all for responding, I wanted to delete this thread initially. I'm glad wasn't able to. Certainly now I feel less alone. This community is great for that.


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## rando (Jan 19, 2019)

@wokofshame also reslly like the ant comparison, i will have to remember that one


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## noothgrush (Jan 19, 2019)

I fucking love the shit out of this thread. Not being able to go back to a certain time or even a psychical place and expecting it to be the same gives me sinking feeling. I mean I have tried many times to revisit an area just to find out I have changed and being who I am currently I just don't feel like I belong their anymore. The worst is when I go back to my hometown and see how people are establishing themselves with familys and shit and I'm still just wandering. A lot of my friends respect me for the path I chose. Sometimes I sense a little pity mixed in as well though. I'm glad this website is here because I really can't have share my feelings on these subjects with a lot of people because well...they just don't get it.


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## rando (Jan 20, 2019)

noothgrush said:


> I fucking love the shit out of this thread. Not being able to go back to a certain time or even a psychical place and expecting it to be the same gives me sinking feeling. I mean I have tried many times to revisit an area just to find out I have changed and being who I am currently I just don't feel like I belong their anymore. The worst is when I go back to my hometown and see how people are establishing themselves with familys and shit and I'm still just wandering. A lot of my friends respect me for the path I chose. Sometimes I sense a little pity mixed in as well though. I'm glad this website is here because I really can't have share my feelings on these subjects with a lot of people because well...they just don't get it.


I definitely feel that "respect mixed with pity" everytime I see anyone I knew from before traveling extensively. And going back a lot of the time and expecting things to be DIFFERENT is what gets me. It always amazes me how my the place where my family lives is exactly the fucking same. Some places change a lot though, and when they do its hard to feel like you belong anymore.

Can you ever feel the feeling, the general vibe you carried, when you think back to a certain time period, certain chapter, in your life, and you can feel exactly how to felt, imagine perfectly what state of mind you were in during that time?


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## roughdraft (Jan 29, 2019)

wokofshame said:


> i remember being a younger person just starting to travel, i would head to some kind of festival or event and then attempt to reach another. one day i met an old-school tramp under the bridge, he had no interest in whatever i was headed to, instead he was just going to sit under the bridge leaning against his dirty MOLLE pack drinking a 12-pack of Milwaukee Ice, not caring which train in particular came, he'd grab the first thing smoking. i spent the next few years occasionally thinking of his mindset and then, one day, i became him. no longer interested in going to anything in particular except the train yard and the beer store, realizing what i sought was no destination. now i don't even drink. i think there's some kind of zen parable therein



yeah man yr always typing some good shit on here but this absolutely made me feel something


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## roughdraft (Jan 30, 2019)

noothgrush said:


> I fucking love the shit out of this thread. Not being able to go back to a certain time or even a psychical place and expecting it to be the same gives me sinking feeling. I mean I have tried many times to revisit an area just to find out I have changed and being who I am currently I just don't feel like I belong their anymore. The worst is when I go back to my hometown and see how people are establishing themselves with familys and shit and I'm still just wandering. A lot of my friends respect me for the path I chose. Sometimes I sense a little pity mixed in as well though. I'm glad this website is here because I really can't have share my feelings on these subjects with a lot of people because well...they just don't get it.



maybe sometimes there is pity, but maybe too it is mere concern?

what about envy, anyone in the hometown express this..?

i try to make nice chat with old friends and occasionally i get the whole "fuk i WISH i could just up and travel la la la" not sure if you have gotten this?


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## noothgrush (Jan 30, 2019)

roughdraft said:


> maybe sometimes there is pity, but maybe too it is mere concern?
> 
> what about envy, anyone in the hometown express this..?
> 
> i try to make nice chat with old friends and occasionally i get the whole "fuk i WISH i could just up and travel la la la" not sure if you have gotten this?


 Yeah I have gotten that alot. When I say "well you could.." The person just comes up with some excuse that masks the fact they are just scared and prefers living like a domesticated animal. Whatever, its not for everyone ya know? Some days when I don't want to deal with the world I get a little jealous myself.


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## roughdraft (Jan 30, 2019)

noothgrush said:


> Yeah I have gotten that alot. When I say "well you could.." The person just comes up with some excuse that masks the fact they are just scared and prefers living like a domesticated animal. Whatever, its not for everyone ya know? Some days when I don't want to deal with the world I get a little jealous myself.



yeh. curious topic. I'm afraid of living fully domesticated and locked down to one place 365. but i don't try to mask it. that's the difference. i prefer it very much when people keep it real, so when i hear this whole edgy bit on their "wishes" for picking up and traveling it makes me wonder, yknow? ya cant have it and eat it too, it comes down to a choice eventually


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## rando (Jan 31, 2019)

roughdraft said:


> maybe sometimes there is pity, but maybe too it is mere concern?
> 
> what about envy, anyone in the hometown express this..?
> 
> i try to make nice chat with old friends and occasionally i get the whole "fuk i WISH i could just up and travel la la la" not sure if you have gotten this?


definitely get this a lot. I always just try and tell my friends that it's not for everyone but they should do whatever feels right. There's nothing I dislike more than excuses about how someone's self imposed responsibilities are what limit them. I'm jot talking about kids or probation, those should definitely limit you, but just silly stuff like "oh I can't drop out of college " or "oh my job at Burger King is so good.."


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## BusGypsy (Mar 1, 2019)

This thread is so heavy, in a good way.
As a wise man once told me, 
"It'll be harder and easier then you can imagine."
Regrets... Yup. And they're a bitch. But that's life, you know? That's everyone. So I'm trying to accept that. And I remember that had I done things differently, I might not be here. And here's pretty magnificent. 
There's no meaning in my hometown for me anymore. When I go back everything seems smaller, cheaper and less grand than I remember. If I never go back I won't feel as if I've missed anything. That was a time that's gone now.
As for others and their view of my lifestyle as other people talked about;
One person comes to mind. My best and only friend in high school. Saved my life. We were pretty close. After high school, privledge, among other things, took us in 2 very different opposite places. I became a liveaboard and later a rubbertramp, he went on to work for the biggest tech company out there and does quite well for himself and seems happy, though very unhealthy. 
Nowadays we're very different, nothing in common, we're not people who would ever speak to each other had we not known each other so long. It's kind of out of a guilty nostalgia that we keep in touch, barely. I think he kind of admires my lifestyle but from a detached way, like someone observing a wild animal. 
As for colleagues, I get mostly curiosity, but people let their stereotypes leak because they're not aware of them. A colleague once said to me, half joking, "all you campers know each other, right?" And it kind of bothered me. A co-worker saw me protesting on the news and said I was the first protester they've ever known in real life. They kind of treat me like an interesting specimen.


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## MFB (Mar 5, 2019)

Regret; there are times when I literally shudder at thoughts of some of my past actions. Its great. Dont we all do that?

Loss is silly to me. Everything is borrowed. Im grateful to have know some cool peeps and done some cool shit. 

Aging is the best, I love being old. No youthful drama and I dont do as much dumb shit. Much more self restraint. Ive accumulated enough experiences that I rarely worry about anything like I did when I was younger. The early bed times are nice too. 

Lastly, psychodelics always help me put things into perspective when Im feelin wonky about shit.


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## ResistMuchObeyLittle (Mar 6, 2019)

A good friend of mine who passed at age 63 always told me- it's easier to be young and broke than it is to be old and broke.
With that said, as I get older, the writings of Seneca and Marcus Aurelius have really helped me see life from a different perspective. 
By far the most rewarding reading on living a good life. Loss is merely change. 
Nothing is constant, all is change. Sounds simple, but when you fully realize how true that is, you start to see life and living in a different light.


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## MFB (Mar 6, 2019)

ResistMuchObeyLittle said:


> A good friend of mine who passed at age 63 always told me- it's easier to be young and broke than it is to be old and broke.
> With that said, as I get older, the writings of Seneca and Marcus Aurelius have really helped me see life from a different perspective.
> By far the most rewarding reading on living a good life. Loss is merely change.
> Nothing is constant, all is change. Sounds simple, but when you fully realize how true that is, you start to see life and living in a different light.



Yes! That's funny you mention MA, Ive been listening to Meditations on repeat for a while now. So good. Stoicism in general is a great ideology to read up on. Minimalism for the soul. 
Epicurious is another good one.


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## Robie (Mar 10, 2019)

Speaking only for myself, I too have many regrets. Missed chances at love, moments of weakness and betrayal of my character, deception, dishonesty et.al. But my biggest regret is not loving myself as much as I have counseled others. For the greatest part of my life I have tried to be a guide and example, trying to lead people to recognize their value and teaching them the value of self love. I reach out to the downtrodden, befriend those who have no one, give even when I am broke. My empathy, generosity, and compassion have often led to being taken advantage of, but I can't stop. It is the spirit of who I am. In the end though I know, that had I spent more time loving myself, I would have spent less time loving others. Which to me makes this a regret I can comfortably go to my grave with.


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## TayNZ (Mar 10, 2019)

BusGypsy said:


> "It'll be harder and easier then you can imagine."


I love that quote so much.

I am one of the young ones here and yet, I already have many regrets but, I think I am one of the lucky ones that has identified partially on where my life was heading, and have now chosen to travel and live the unexpected. 


Art101 said:


> Yesterday was the easy day and tommorow isnt here yet so why stress


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