# WTF am I doing with my life...



## landpirate (May 10, 2014)

I'm a moderator and have no clue if this should go here, dunno where else it should be. Sorry if I've got it wrong ::

This isn't a cry for help in the traditional sense. But...


I'm turning 32 next week. I'm cool with that shit. I don't look old, I don't dress old and mostly I don't behave my age.


But, This view might be the unexpected for this forum. I'm completely tired of not fulfilling my potential and having no knowledge of where I'm sleeping one day to the next.


I'm currently house sitting until tomorrow night. (three days all together) before that I was living for the last three weeks in a tent in the woods on the outskirts of my home town on my own with my dog. Maybe that sounds like I'm living the dream to some people on here. I dunno..


I'm in a really rare situation that from the age of 16 until I was 22 I worked as a civil servant. Essentially a slave to the government, after that I worked as a data entry clerk for American express. I earned a good wage and I had fun.


My dad was in hospital on and off for a year and then died when I was 21. This was unexpected because I am an optimist and thought he would get better. He didn't, it turns out my dad was HIV + and was by this point dying of pneumonia brought on by the fact he had AIDS. It seemed that he didn't know and if he did, he didn't tell me and my brother.


He left me an inheritance that I was only allowed if I bought somewhere to live. I did that with a friend of mine, it went horribly wrong and I ended up homeless. It took me 4.5 years to get my money back and since then (6 years in total) I've not had anywhere stable to live.


Because I have been fucked over so badly, I trust pretty much nobody. I live the life of a hobo but because I have some money in a bank somewhere I am a fraud whoever I'm with. Friends with jobs and money don't trust me because I still live in the woods and drink cider on the streets. My friends I met when I lived on the streets on and off for the last 6 years don't fully get me because sometimes I've had a shower and have clean clothes and I don't have a drug habit.


I feel fully fucking lost. I'm an outcast whomever I spend my time with. The only positive is my epic dog who I think has probably saved me.


I don't really know what response I want from this. I think I just needed to put it out there to people I don't have to confront on a daily basis. I've got to the point where I don't want to communicate with anyone but also want to travel everywhere and meet everyone. Today I feel like I just want to hide under a duvet for at least a week.


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## EphemeralStick (May 10, 2014)

I can relate to an extent. I don't really hang around with travelers these days. I've never acted the part or looked like I was "punk" enough. These days I find it hard to get into a conversation with people since the ones around me have all lived such drastically different lives than me.
Most of the time I'm content with being on my own though sometimes I get lonely. Lately it's been all sorts of rough though. Who knows when things will get better? I guess all I can say is hang in there. I'll do my best too.


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## East (May 10, 2014)

Have you thought about maybe getting some rubber? Like maybe a camper van or something? There's a lot of older tramps and younger ones for that matter that prefer a vehicle for some stability. You might be able to find some place to fit in that kind of community easier. A lot of people who have it together enough for vehicle ownership know how to put some money in the bank as well so it's not like you'll get ostracized for it. You won't lose that sense of nomadic life because it's not like you lose the ability to pick up and leave. It's just a thought. It sucks to feel like you don't belong no matter who you are. Either way good luck man.


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## Kim Chee (May 10, 2014)

Since you're housesitting, I recommend running a bath with very hot water and some dish soap for some nice bubbles. Light a candle, play some music and when the water cools down just enough to stand, slip on in. 

I don't feel like I fit in either. I don't smoke, do drugs and can go days without a drink without getting a bad attitude. I was a buyer for a Fortune 100 company and made good cash, had a wife and a house. Most people would think I had it pretty good. Something I had back then that I don't miss is all the responsibility that goes with that. It was fun but it wasn't fulfilling. Nowadays, I get to watch others spend a majority of their time chasing down a dollar. For what? Retirement? I'm ok being poor, somebody has to lead the way.


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## Matt Derrick (May 10, 2014)

Man, I know how you feel. It's funny in a way since I've been planning on making a similar post to get folks input. 

I'm starting to realize that im getting older and some of the things people have been telling me about how I need to get a job/career are kinda true. Not 100% true, but maybe 50-60%. It's something that is a little hard to explain, but like I said I'm going to go over it in a future post. 

The important part is to find some kind of comprise between the two I think. For me, I think rubber tramping is going to be my happy medium. When I had a school bus there was just something about always having a home and one that I could take with me if I wanted to go somewhere new that just sat right with me. 

Is it fun traveling in the UK? The reason I ask is because it's so much smaller than the usa, so I don't know if the rubber tramping would be as viable an option. 

Another thing for me is that I feel like I'm getting bored to tears of the usa. I don't know if you're in a similar situation, but maybe getting out of the country for a while might help? 

You should come visit us!


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## ByronMc (May 11, 2014)

You are not a fraud ,far from it !


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## notOK (May 11, 2014)

If you ain't faking the funk, it really isn't like there's a right & proper way to go about existing. Racking up mileage is Rad, but if it is simply to be moving towards a high score, there's gonna be plenty missed. But that's your own prerogative and hauling ass isn't the incorrect way to travel. 

Having a little scratch put back isn't some social sin. People can be of generous or selfish natures regardless of how much they have. And there is not a damn thing genuine or authentic about sitting in a jailhouse for weeks or months cause you don't have fifty bucks.

And people tend to not be static, even those who are more or less consistent in nature over the years experience events that force some measure of growth.

You get to choose the person you want to be. And to a very great extent your happiness. There are a lot of stupid things and people that can piss you off or disappoint you. If you let them.

Not everybody'll get you. Some'll like you lots. Others will come at you with hammers. Sometimes I have a nice chunk of change. And then there's days I can't buy a newspaper. Houses burn. Trucks catch fire. Strangers will rent you a hodie. Working girls will rescue your ass.

Loving folks makes it worth a fuck. Kicking down a pair of freshies is a damn fine feeling.


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## Rover (Jul 3, 2014)

Hmm, well then, it looks like a few people out there, are fucking lost... Yeah, I'm having a similar internal discussion too. I'm looking at seriously altering my life's path here, within the next year.

Wandering is one way to look for a solution, in a society that... Does not support many different ways of looking at the world. While It's a great idea to look externally for inspiration, I think that for the "best" result, the place to look for guidance would be from your own instincts. BUT, for that approach to work properly you need to learn the difference between your instincts, and your fears. They both live in the same place, so it can be tough to know the difference.

@landpirate, It wasn't stated as such, but I get the impression that you have successfully replaced living, with traveling. At the end of the day it's only a way to get "there", not... "there" it's self. A possible solution for you would be to Ask yourself why are you on the road. Take the positive reasons, and give them their own little pots to grow in. The negative reasons are probably your fears. Identifying them is the first step to dealing with them.

@notOK, what you said there makes a lot of sense.


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## landpirate (Jan 3, 2015)

this thread got a like earlier and it reminded me that I never updated it, or responded to anybodies wonderful responses. It was actually kind of too difficult to reread what I wrote and actually fully read the replies at the time. I'm not very good at opening up and even worse at accepting the generosity of strangers giving their time to be kind. So I thank you all so much.

About 2 weeks after I posted this I bought a van to live in. I had rubber tramped before for a year and had to get rid of that van for financial reasons. I had so badly missed that lifestyle and had been searching for the perfect vehicle for over four years but I decided to have a look online again and I found the perfect vehicle, made a 400 mile round trip twice in order to test drive it and then buy it, all in the space of 3 days. I've been living in it now for the past 8 months and I have pretty much permanently relocated to the south West of England Mainly Devon. 

I have made friends with a whole new group of people who don't know all about my past and its fucking fantastic. I have even had fairly regular money coming in from farm work and other random bits and bobs. I am the happiest I have been for years. Its not a lifestyle without its problems. I have been cold, hungry, occasionally lonely and bored but it all feels so much more manageable than my life when I originally made this thread. 

I guess what I am saying is when you're stuck in a rut, ask for help, take the advice and then get your arse into gear to change your situation.
I hope everyone gets their share of happiness this year.


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## Matt Derrick (Jan 3, 2015)

i'm glad to hear you're doing so much better! if you don't mind me asking, why was it important to make a new group of friends that didn't know all about your past?


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## Odin (Jan 3, 2015)

Happiness is a funny thing there @landpirate 
Sometimes we find it in the most unexpected places. 
I am by all measure of a man a fucking grumpy by far to many years early a kinda young curmudgeon of a man. 
And I have against natural instinct kept myself in positions of hardship and drudgery.
Yet... when I expose those tasks... those things I have endured for years now. 
I see that. Thats me. 
And I am happy to be me.
I hope you are happy now. To be you... be where you are. 
See that the world is something kinda crazy and special too. 
As for me... my time will come. 
See you folks out there... or if you happen to pass by here.


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## landpirate (Jan 3, 2015)

Matt Derrick said:


> i'm glad to hear you're doing so much better! if you don't mind me asking, why was it important to make a new group of friends that didn't know all about your past?



Not because I have done anything ultra terrible in my past, but it is just nice to begin fresh with new people. You can tell them what you want them to know. Not feeling compelled to relay three decades of memories whilst beginning new friendships feels pretty liberating. I am an unknown entity and as such I can be whoever I want. I am not dishonest, if asked I answer with the truth but I have got tired of being judged on something I did or said 10 years ago for example. I'm still in contact with a few friends from my hometown and in fact by leaving a few friendships are actually better. i hope that answers your question.


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## Blu (Jan 4, 2015)

landpirate said:


> I live the life of a hobo but because I have some money in a bank somewhere I am a fraud whoever I'm with. Friends with jobs and money don't trust me because I still live in the woods and drink cider on the streets. My friends I met when I lived on the streets on and off for the last 6 years don't fully get me because sometimes I've had a shower and have clean clothes and I don't have a drug habit.



Disheartens me to read this. I've seen this crust/anarchist-or-nothing mentality manifest often on the road, especially with kids my age or a little younger than me. It's as though having a few bucks on the side puts you in league with the Illuminati. I like to keep a few dollars on myself for a coffee or a pint or two; never really saw the harm in it. Hope things are looking up, man. New friends and new places are only ever a few miles down the road. 



-stay safe, stay warm, stay dry-


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## Kal (Jan 5, 2015)

Your not a fraud hell you're far from it. Nothing wrong with having a little bit of money while your traveling or living in the woods in a tent or having a van and there is nothing wrong with telling certain people who think that you are a fraud to kiss your ass. Here is how I look at it since I have been traveling, sometime I am broke and sometimes I have money. If I'm broke no big deal and if I have money still no big deal, having money may help with a few things but it's not that important. What is important to me is that I am alive, healthy,and still in my right frame of mind sort of.


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## Deleted member 2626 (Jan 7, 2015)

Ha great response kal. I usually travel with a stack of cash being that I work, when I want to or need to, and its nice for when weather's bad or you want to chill in a motel or eat good. Great last sentence kal right frame of mind sort of, to be even remotely happy you have to be a bit off


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## Lucky Duck (Jan 28, 2015)

I started traveling after the millitary didn't work out for me. I have had failed relationships with a deadbeat junkee, then a traveler turned pedophile that went to prison, a babaylon man with money. I have all the friends i could ask for and done a lot of cool things as a traveling kid, and traveling in the millitary. But a man who has the same goals and aspirations as me....


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## Odin (Jan 28, 2015)

Is rare indeed. ::bookworm::


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## Anagor (Jan 29, 2015)

Hi!
I read your post from a few days ago, but I'll answer your initial post:


landpirate said:


> I'm turning 32 next week. I'm cool with that shit.


I turned 41 last November. A year ago I was kind of depressed about my life and so on. Now I'm cool with it, too. 


landpirate said:


> I don't look old, I don't dress old and mostly I don't behave my age.


Same here. Most people think I'm in my 30s ... Not so bad ... 



landpirate said:


> But, This view might be the unexpected for this forum. I'm completely tired of not fulfilling my potential and having no knowledge of where I'm sleeping one day to the next.


I'm not caring so much about "fulfilling my potential" anymore. I think I "functioned" the last 20 years instead of having my own life. I studied, worked, had responsibilities (private and work) and so on. I'm a noob when it comes to traveling (did a 3 week/4week trip last and this year), mostly by coach and so on. So I'm just beginning to grasp the feeling of that lifestyle. But I found it most exciting and a great experience not knowing where to sleep next night. Always found a place, though. 



landpirate said:


> I'm currently house sitting until tomorrow night. (three days all together) before that I was living for the last three weeks in a tent in the woods on the outskirts of my home town on my own with my dog. Maybe that sounds like I'm living the dream to some people on here. I dunno..


Maybe, maybe not. I never tried camping in the woods, maybe I should.



landpirate said:


> I'm in a really rare situation that from the age of 16 until I was 22 I worked as a civil servant. Essentially a slave to the government, after that I worked as a data entry clerk for American express. I earned a good wage and I had fun.


I finished school, studied, worked for university and later as a freelance software developer. I had fun, too. It was not always bad. But due to circumstances I never did what I really wanted to do. Last year I found myself in the position of being a university drop-out (cause I chose to "accept" employment instead of staying freelancer two years ago), working for a company that changed a lot the last years, being fed up with having much responsibility (for a quite low wage, but that's not the important point), having no fun anymore with my work, being single, loosing contact with most of my friends cause they moved on in live, moved to other places, whatever. I was kind of depressed.
Then I found out about traveling (meaning traveling being the goal, not only travel to reach some location). And I found what I want to do the next years ...



landpirate said:


> He left me an inheritance that I was only allowed if I bought somewhere to live. I did that with a friend of mine, it went horribly wrong and I ended up homeless. It took me 4.5 years to get my money back and since then (6 years in total) I've not had anywhere stable to live.


Well, that's bad. I'm about to choose to travel, meaning being technically homeless, even if I might be able to afford hostels now and then. Don't know.



landpirate said:


> Because I have been fucked over so badly, I trust pretty much nobody. I live the life of a hobo but because I have some money in a bank somewhere I am a fraud whoever I'm with.


That's not true, you're not a fraud. It's the lifestyle you chose. I mean, on the contrary, right now I live a "normal life", having only debts at the bank.  (Hope to solve this problem soon, so I can travel without having to have a constant money income to my bank account.)



landpirate said:


> Friends with jobs and money don't trust me because I still live in the woods and drink cider on the streets.


Everyday I was in UK I drank cider on the streets. ::drinkingbuddy::
If they don't trust you because of that or cause you're living in the woods, they are no friends. IMHO.



landpirate said:


> My friends I met when I lived on the streets on and off for the last 6 years don't fully get me because sometimes I've had a shower and have clean clothes and I don't have a drug habit.


I know a lot of people living on the streets who care for personal hygiene and clean clothes.  And don't do drugs, besides tobacco and alcohol (and occasionally weed, ahem) ...

I'm glad everything turned better for you now. And I hope the van issue will be solved soon.

All the best ...
Cheers!


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