# Jaded and unmotivated



## Thewalkindude (Nov 18, 2017)

Recently got back from hopping around the East coast for a few weeks. had to return back home for reasons outside of my control(family shit) but wasn't too upset cause I got to see my friends, Catch up and all that bs. 

Well it's winter time now and I need a job. I fucking hate 9-5 and the monotony of it all. I quit that shit to go travel and now I'm back, no more than a month later. It really grinds my fucking gears man. I came back at first motivated to make my money and get back out once spring comes around, but I can't even hold down a job anymore. It just seems so pointless. 

On the road I woke up early and excited for the day. At home I sleep til noon, smoke pot all day and refuse to face reality. It's not depression, it's knowing what my life was and could be while actually living a life made out to fulfill society's and more specifically my family's expectations.

All I have to look forward to now is another dreary gray winter in the same ol city with the same ol people who don't really give two fucks about you or your dreams and ambitions. This is a pretty whiney and cliche post but I just needed to vent my frustration. Lol


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## Zaphod (Nov 18, 2017)

I feel this. It's so much harder to hold a job and deal with the bullshit when you've tasted real freedom. I find myself going from shitty temp job to shitty temp job just scraping by and selling the best years of my life away. Fuck this capitalist bullshit, fuck this wage slavery. It's time for some class war


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## deleted user (Nov 18, 2017)

Vent away.

I can relate to this. Sometimes we get stuck in agonizingly meaningless settings because we lack whats required to move forward (its usually gruelingly absurd what stops us) or gotta be responsible. I'm bench right now too, and until just recently its been dog shit. Just bank your money, make a plain and follow threw. Just hang tough, work on art or a hobbie during this time cause you may not be able to while traveling. Thats what keeps me committed from not walking off a job or hitting the bottle like an asshole. 
Also your in a city! You might find it hard to appreciate but you could be sitting counting coins in the country. Even a shitty city will have something going on (Even Atlanta, that fucking worthless abyss).
You'll get back to it, just switch gears for a moment.


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## deleted user (Nov 18, 2017)

Zaphod said:


> I feel this. It's so much harder to hold a job and deal with the bullshit when you've tasted real freedom. I find myself going from shitty temp job to shitty temp job just scraping by and selling the best years of my life away. Fuck this capitalist bullshit, fuck this wage slavery. It's time for some class war



I working two temp jobs and trying to have a unconfrontational social life with the only people left to be designated physically in my life presently despite their effort to take no effort in recognizing how racist, sexist, ignorant, etc they are because ....."What? Niggga! were is this going? (says the white man with the drink and appropriated language)

QUICK!!
~chose your own adventure~
A) explain what they said or perpetuated in a wack assumption or notion in conversation form only to set them up to pontificate an unoriginal rhetoric that causes your tumors to swell
B) same as A) but give no fucks fo da feelin's; ruin the next few hours, possibly the night, possibly the rest of your time in the town
C) slowly remove yourself then realize two weeks later you've been working/chilling alone and that you exhausted all the conversations in you to have with yourself
D) Defuse the situation by saying nothing or changing the conversation because you have 0 support and will already be confusing and pissing off your limited social circle when you finally snap crackle pop at a bagel being stuck in a toaster

...
I'm not sure where im going with this anymore lol
Last comment yeah fuck classicism. 
We should have families not co-workers
comrades and real bonds not roommates and owed rents
If left to the cultures design wed accept living with strangers we meet threw our only social outlets (work, school, church,) in order to pay to throw away the year.


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## OutsideYourWorld (Nov 18, 2017)

Yep, feeling about the same. Every time I come home is like this. I love being around my family and couple friends, and having my own room in a warm house with all my comfort things is great... But I always feel like I begin to lose the part of me I built up on the road. It feels like it all happened in an alternate reality, and i'm switching between these two people every time. 

There are things I could and should do while back at home, between working up north and travel, but my motivation flies away :/ I should be seeing more people I never see, get my bloody license, get writing again.. But I get in this damn slump. 

Work starts up again soon, though. I'll be making good money and getting exercise. Then in the spring it's on the road again! 

Like what was said above, a hobbie, some kind of project, is probably the best idea.


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## Deleted member 20 (Nov 18, 2017)

I echo your feelings. At this point in life I have accepted that I am unemployable. I volunteer a bit which helps break up the monotony of stationary life. I also travel throughout the year, doing round trip excursions. This makes me appreciate my home life more & understand the limitations of my family. Seeing that I am in a longterm homelife situation with kids, an apt, wife; I must continue to endure as long as I can. Balance has been what I have always wanted in life & I fight to keep all aspects of my life balanced.

I actually am a decent worker when I want to be there or I feel that I am wanted. I cannot stand the applying, interviewing & rejection. I would much rather apply myself wholeheartedly as a volunteer without income. With me as soon as the topic of income, value & self worth come into play; I am no longer interested. This also applies when jobs offer a decent pay. To have lived, survived & thrived without income for so long; no amount is worth giving up my peace of mind. My serenity is achieved through balance. If I am slaving away somewhere, miserably working then I am away from my home & homelife. I stopped working for hourly pay decades ago. For me, someone who is not motivated by income but more so by experience; it is hard to find interesting & rewarding employment opportunities that satisfy me.

Others may hate on me for figuring out what works for me in solving my cost of living expenses outside of employment. My life is not perfect but I have found a way to make it all work together.

Since the wagon that I drag through life involves others, I must consider them. I dream of getting an RV & converting my wife & teen daughter to experiment in the nomadic lifestyle that I so desperately crave.

Obviously if we all decide that we are gonna buy an RV or Bus to live in; I will have the motivation to earn an income to accomplish that dream. What makes me sad is having less & less dreams. It is easy for me to dream up epic stuff to do that will neglect my responsibilities as a father/husband doing them. What is more difficult is convincing my family that there is a whole world out there to explore. To convince them that nothing is certain in this world; that no job, no apartment & no amount of money will guarantee happiness or insulate anyone from tragedy. What I do know about time is that it is finite. I feel like most of my time is wasted, wondering, waiting.

I often feel as if I am waiting for the next illness, injury, eviction or arrest to confirm this belief. Only when I reduce my motives to those which lead me towards freedom am I happy. To constantly be at odds about achieving my happiness only at the expense of others security is draining. I feel that having experienced both lifestyle choices of being stationary & nomadic that I can make sound decisions for our collective future. One issue is that we are egalitarian & I am not a dictator.

I know that we can relocate to many places in the US or make a lateral move of misery right here in our own city. We can live in public housing if we needed to. We can always get food stamps. Our quality of life lived as a stationary family is predictable; it is not great but it is safe. For the last few years our home-life has improved. Secretly I am trying to convert them into travelers. We have been without traditional heat source for a few years, we have a cooktop but no oven just a toaster oven & microwave. We have a dorm fridge but no freezer. We acquired most of our furnishings second hand for free You know what? It all works just as well as there full size & or expensive new counterparts. Our daughter is home schooled & My hope is that eventually I will succeed at building my dream life before she departs to start her own adult life.

Since I still must retain my sanity; I found some stuff that I do to stay sane. I go out & travel doing roundtrip adventures throughout the year. I volunteer often to stay busy. I have a network of likeminded friends (mostly old punks like me). When a project or job comes along that pays cash that I know will only last s long as I let it; I will work. When it is time to quit, I quit! I have honed my inner compass for when to quit after having worked much since age 12. I am now age 40. My work goals are never ever to add to the economy, to be self sufficient or to seek approval in society. If I had a short term goal like saving for a bus/rv that would totally revolutionize how & where we collectively live; I would work like a dog to save up & make that happen. While living in my apt I am constantly owing 4-9 months in back rent that has us always living with an uncertain future. This still doesn't motivate me to work. I wish I could work without my family spending the money on frivolous shit; If that was the case we would have a fully converted bus out front or our own owned piece of real estate. Instead we pay for another persons mortgage; so far over 12 years we have paid $75k to rent an apt in a house worth $210k.

I work to feel good on the inside while not exploiting others or adding to what is wrong in the world. If I earn some cash great but I refuse to give even a sliver of my soul for the sake of profit.


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## Thewalkindude (Nov 19, 2017)

Zaphod said:


> It's so much harder to hold a job and deal with the bullshit when you've tasted real freedom. I find myself going from shitty temp job to shitty temp job just scraping by and selling the best years of my life away.



exactly this. it's romanticized but the freedom is too sweet to pass up. I'm in the same situation, hopping from job to job, lying to myself that this time I'll get my shit together. But in the end Working the 9-5 and repeating the same day over and over again just isn't for me and I end up quitting within a few months. 

I feel guilty about being an unemployed bum but a whole lot more when I'm trading my life energy for numbers on a screen.


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## Thewalkindude (Nov 19, 2017)

highwayman said:


> What I do know about time is that it is finite. I feel like most of my time is wasted, wondering, waiting.
> 
> I often feel as if I am waiting for the next illness, injury, eviction or arrest to confirm this belief. Only when I reduce my motives to those which lead me towards freedom am I happy. To constantly be at odds about achieving my happiness only at the expense of others security is draining.



Times a bitch. Half of me knows this and demands that I ignore the perpetual "what ifs" and get back out on the road before it's too late. nothing is guaranteed. On the other hand, I tell myself to be less impulsive, excercise restraint for the sake of security and hope things start coming together.

I've had this contradicting argument in my head 24/7 ever since I got back, and compound that with a bullshit job, all I can think is I need to get the fuck back out there.

I guess I've come to the conclusion that I have to endure some short term suffering so I can return to living a meaningful existence. At least for a little while.


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## Just Jen (Nov 19, 2017)

Been reading a lot about Buddhist lately, the man we know as the Buddha pretty much named his son 'ball and chain', it tied him down when he longed for enlightenment. And he left one night, his wife and newborn soundly sleeping. I have a child now, that i love with all my heart, its forced me to settle down, temporarly. But you don't, and you have a chance to travel, do what you can while you can. I miss waking up when the sun did, and sleeping when the sun did, in tune with natural cycles. And Im planning my escape from the suburbs, only now with a toddler, and i still look at dumpsters like a gold miner but ive altered my thinking and ways (I'd never feed my kid d-dived food). But i guess my point, whilst rambling, is that life is fragil, and who knows when you'll be lying on your death bed- at 89 or tomorrow. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable because you only have one chance at this life.


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## Deleted member 20975 (Feb 11, 2018)

Ahhhhhh fuck you all, im on house arrest


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