Lost all meaning, hoping to find some on the freight train.

jelly

jelly

New member
I don't really know if anyone reads these and everything I have to say has, I'm sure, been said before, but here it is: Both of my best friends died, three months apart. Since that happened I don't know where to go or what to do or how to move because everything seems entirely fucking meaningless without them to share it with. For some reason though, I am trying really hard to keep myself alive through this in the hopes that eventually I'll have a clearer idea what the reason is. I guess I just want to spend some time going on an adventure with them in my hearts, seeing what the road can teach me while I tackle this mountain of grief. I've always said that we travel to lose ourselves and find ourselves again, so if I am already lost it seems like the only option.

I have been to north america before and spent 6 months living in Halifax, NS before travelling around the states with a fake greyhound pass and a little hitching. This time around I'm really hoping to learn to ride the freight train, I don't really care where I'm going, I just want to move through some open spaces. I'm really hoping to find someone who can come with me on my first ride or mentor me or something, but I'm sure all the kids come here asking for that and anyone who does have the knowledge might be sick of having to teach us. But if not, I'm looking for you!

btw: I'm an Australian-born, female, queer, poet, activist, anarchist, stick-n-poke artist, dumpster-diver, reproductive freedom fighter and I've got a bit to teach and a lot to learn.
 
Im planning on riding freights after i get to cali. Were are you at? Sorry to hear about your friends i hope things get better for you.
 
whatever you do it just takes time my sons mother died in front of me last year he turned two on the 23rd mar. i hear ya, but, life goes, if somethings upsetting you and you cant do anything about it, getting upset about it it just makes it worse, i remember feeling horrible but you have to move on, life has loss and so it goes
 
jelly said:
I don't really know if anyone reads these and everything I have to say has, I'm sure, been said before, but here it is: Both of my best friends died, three months apart. Since that happened I don't know where to go or what to do or how to move because everything seems entirely fucking meaningless without them to share it with. For some reason though, I am trying really hard to keep myself alive through this in the hopes that eventually I'll have a clearer idea what the reason is. I guess I just want to spend some time going on an adventure with them in my hearts, seeing what the road can teach me while I tackle this mountain of grief. I've always said that we travel to lose ourselves and find ourselves again, so if I am already lost it seems like the only option.

I have been to north america before and spent 6 months living in Halifax, NS before travelling around the states with a fake greyhound pass and a little hitching. This time around I'm really hoping to learn to ride the freight train, I don't really care where I'm going, I just want to move through some open spaces. I'm really hoping to find someone who can come with me on my first ride or mentor me or something, but I'm sure all the kids come here asking for that and anyone who does have the knowledge might be sick of having to teach us. But if not, I'm looking for you!

btw: I'm an Australian-born, female, queer, poet, activist, anarchist, stick-n-poke artist, dumpster-diver, reproductive freedom fighter and I've got a bit to teach and a lot to learn.
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I plan on traveling for the next 6 mo- 1 yr, lol, who am i kidding, been doing it most my life. My friend wendy was going to take me on my first train ride this summer. we were planning on doing the highline from wi to the coast. Im not waiting though, gonna hop with the first tramp whos chill and half sober that i meet.. try n stay in touvh and maybe we can cover some open space together. or i ........whatever. tramp fam 4 life....
 
Sixteen years ago this past February 4th, my woman killed herself as I slept peacefully next to her.
Not a day goes by without me thinking about Leslie...................
But it's alright, it's something I accept, and know that I had no control over.
She got what she wanted.
(or perhaps needed....)

I know that's harsh to say, but it's also the cold light of truth.

Forget about traveling, searching... doing drugs, boozing it up - or even buying yourself something nice to help ease the pain, because the only thing that will set you free is truth.

This past Saturday, I had lunch with my father-in-law.
While we both will always wonder what could have been, nothing is going to change the simple fact that Leslie left this earth - and we're the one's left behind to pick up all the pieces...

In your case, if you can comprehend what happened, and not go into denial... then you'll be fine.
Grieving / rememberance is a good thing, as it let's us all know we are alive and capable of love.
Unfortunately, death is a part of life.

I know this does not make things any easier for you.
The important thing is to give love each day, for love is truth....
Let your friends, your family - everyone - know how much you love them.
You'll feel a whole lot better, and so will they.........
 
life is pain n loss without these things we cannot appreciate the happiness and peace....you cant run from life..you can hop a train to the next town but the hurt your dealing with "or not dealing with" will be waiting for you...it is what you make it...breathing is a gift, dont waste it with self-pity n hatred...
 
I don't exactly disagree with the above comments, but, I think you can find meaning through danger, travel, and adventure. I, and many other people I know went through depression in my teens and burgeoned out of it by heading out on the road.
I was just watching a video about Jeb Corliss, and something he said really rang true to me "Through my search for death, I found life"
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He was talking about being suicidal and how it allowed him to do dangerous things, where he started enjoying life.
Also, don't go around feeling sorry for yourself. Nobody likes self pity.
I know plenty of people that love something bad happening, no matter how peripherally so they can get some pity. Someone dies, someone kills themself, all they can do is talk about it for some sympathy.
Not saying you're one of those, but imagine you had no friends in the first place ever. Those people do exist. Wouldn't your life be worse then? You'll make new friends.
 
There's usually some sort of awakening through travel, but you will be most pleased find it within yourself.
 
Kayak Jack said:
I plan on traveling for the next 6 mo- 1 yr, lol, who am i kidding, been doing it most my life. My friend wendy was going to take me on my first train ride this summer. we were planning on doing the highline from wi to the coast. Im not waiting though, gonna hop with the first tramp whos chill and half sober that i meet.. try n stay in touvh and maybe we can cover some open space together. or i ........whatever. tramp fam 4 life....
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Holy shit I think i saw a train video about wendy and it mentioned you in it. Cherokee Jack??
 
Don't know if anyone is still watching this thread, but I'm in Lancaster, PA (near Philly) now and still desperate for someone to help me not die hopping the freight train for the first time. I'm with a friend and we're thinking of heading north in the next few days but I'm basically willing to go anywhere, anytime if you've got the time to show me the ropes.
 
I feel you man both of my best friends died too. I saw one of them do it with a glock 40. I'm pretty much in the same boat as you right now
 
if you were male you'd recieve a negative responce.

if you dont know yourself, travelin will only show you what you hate about yourself.
good luck,

danny
 
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I have spent a lot of time travellin in different ways and know the many ways in which I hate myself quite intricately, so no need to worry about that. Haha. Traveling often helps me to remember that there are things that I like about myself.
 
well sis, let me put it simply.

the easiest way ti find folks is to get off the computer and go meet people. i dont mean to bash anyone on here, but honestly, i highly doubt most folks on this site know jack shit about ridin trains, and for every one that does, theres ten who i wouldnt care to meet in person. the internet fuckin sucks, it takes the personality away from conversation, if anything, its about to be summer time, why run the risk of meetin some scumbag who plays off their know-it-all online, and just try and figure out the closest spot where kids are to you this time of year?

i dunno, maybe its cuz im about to be a dad n shit, and i, for some reason, care about people, but shit.. if yer in the east try nyc, lower east side of manhattan, philly, richmond, va, burlington vt, manchester, nh, portland, me, buffalo, ny... out west try portland, or, seattle, wa, eugene, or, humboldt county, ca, san fransisco, oakland, berkeley ca, and fuck everything south of that in ca

im the midwest chicago, il, madison and milwaulkee wi, and minnie... feel kids out before ya find some one, or some folks to ride with

danny
 
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