Help me decide wtf to do with my life

[Matt Derrick]

So, I don't often ask StP for advice (on non-website matters), I'm not sure why. I could really use some input right now though, since I really feel like i've been plagued by indecision for several months now.

As some of you know I've been working and living in Austin, Texas for the past six months now. Before that I was stuck at my parent's house in washington state for just over a year. So, I haven't really been traveling much in the past two years.

I'm going to be turning 36 soon. My parents keep bugging me about getting a 'real job' and a house/home/apartment and basically some sense of security. I know they're just looking out for me, but it drives me crazy sometimes, since subliminally it's really put a lot of pressure on me and i feel like i'm starting to crack a little. Mostly because of the fear that they might be right?

I don't want to be homeless the rest of my life, and I don't want to be a home bum under some bridge either. Also, I don't want to be that old guy that works at McDonalds. Now, I realize that I'm probably too smart to end up like any of those people, but once my parents started bringing up the fact that i'll be 40 soon (ish) it really started to bug me.

That said, I also don't ever want to stop traveling either. The past year and a half has been hell for me on my worst days, which is why i handed over stp to tude temporarily back in november. I feel like when I'm separated from the traveler / punk / anarcho community i start to lose my mind a little. Besides StP, i really haven't felt that kind of connection in several years.

This has mostly been my own fault, since once i got the idea to do a youtube show about traveling the way we do, i spent several years sacrificing friendships and all kinds of stuff just to go work somewhere to raise money and always come up short in being able to afford the project i wanted to do.

I've finally given up on that idea and moved on to things i will probably have a better chance at achieving, but i still get plagued by indecision almost ever day. this always seems to happen about 6 months in, when i'm somewhere trying to 'temporarily settle down' (aka save up money), and i feel like my disconnect from the travel / anarcho world leads to this weird state of bipolar disorder where i can't control what my life goals are going to be on a daily basis.

one day i'm utterly convinced that saving up for a school bus / short bus / camper van is the way to go, the next it's a terrible idea and i should save up for going to australia, the next im convinced that i should buy a camera and bike across the usa. i feel like i could just classify myself as 'flighty' if it was a new idea every day, but overall it becomes a non-stop cycle of 3-4 core ideas, which makes it much more maddening.

the fucked up part is that when i'm not working or staying in one place, when i'm on the road everything feels 100% clear to me and these bouts of biopolar disorder don't seem to come around anymore. it's only when i'm stuck in one place (usually through my own doing) that i start to cycle through all these ideas for my life over and over and over like an echo chamber, until i feel like my head is going to pop. the fact that i can't seem to make a descision on one particular path in life and stick to it drives me nuts, and leads to me not really doing anything at all, since i'm essentially 'frozen' with indecision, like a deer caught in headlights.

i feel like this is all pretty vague at this point, so if you'll bear with me i'm going to list the ideas i have going on in my head.

1. giving up on travel life and getting a 'real' job. this is the please my parent's / play it safe option. i only put this here half-jokingly. given my propensity for wandering i know this would never work out.
   
   
2. staying in austin and working to save up for a van / bus to live in. at my current (part time) job, i'm guessing it would take me until at least the end of the year to save enough money for a decent vehicle and fix it up / renovate it.
   
   
3. staying in austin to save up enough money to go travel around australia. again, this would probably take until the end of the year to accomplish. in some ways i've gotten really bored with the usa, so it would really help to get out of the country and go somewhere i'm really interested in. it's highly debatable whether i could make it that long in austin given my current state, but if i was really determined, i might be able to pull it off.
   
   
4. leaving austin in september to go to the slabs. i'd take my bike with me and bike around southern california for the winter. there's a bunch of stuff i want to see in los angeles before i completely write it off for good. if i get bored of the slabs i could bike out to LA and back, check out some stuff around the salton sea; maybe just relax and forget about things and not worry so much. i'd buy a really nice camera before i left austin to document things and work on my photography. come spring i'd probably bike to new orleans. after that, who knows, i want to travel and document abandoned places while also interviewing anarchists / travelers about their lives and ideals.

All of these options would include working on the book for stp ive always wanted to write (my goal is to finish it by the end of the year), and bringing back the stp podcast. I think the podcast would be more interesting if i was traveling and interviewing people on the road though.

Other random ideas: I'd really like to travel around the UK/Europe and interview squatters and take pictures of their squats. I think this is something I would have to save for next year though. Lastly, i still dream of building a raft and boating down the mississippi, but again that would have to be next year (due to timing with the weather).

If you asked me today what i want to do with my life, I'd say spend the next 3-4 months saving money and go out to slab city in september (option 4). maybe after that biking to new orleans and working a little to save up for going to the uk. why the uk instead of my 'top' pick of australia? mainly because it's cheap to get there and i could possibly knock out random idea #1.

of course, yesterday i wanted to buy a conversion van.

anyways, it definitely helps to write this all out, it's pretty therapeutic, and makes me think that maybe #4 is the way to go, but I'd like to hear your opinions on it. what should i do?

also, i know i probably shouldn't be stressing so much, but it's just hard when you have all kinds of things running through your head and no one to bounce them off of. so if you made it through all this thank you!

 

[CosmicBrothaCam]

Matt doesn't know exactly what to do!?


I thought his holiness spoke DIRECTLY to GOD.
What is real anymore?::sorry::

 

[briancray]

Matt in many ways my life is similar. I too feel the ideas cycling through my mind and it only happens when I'm settled in one specific location for a certain period of time. It feels bi-polar, but I deal with it. Writing it down always helps me out. I don't think there is anything wrong with not knowing what you want to do with the rest of your life. Shit I think about this everyday. Most people are lost and just stick to the 9-5 career because that's what they were told was the safest option. From what I've read I would go with #4. It sounds inexpensive, you'd be able to cross it off the list after visiting there one last time and go back to work to save up for Europe or Australia, maybe even leave shortly after. Fuck a career man unless it's something you really love doing.

 

[CosmicBrothaCam]

But honestly Matt I think you KNOW what you really want to do,
hear that? What YOU want to do.
The only thing anyone on here is going to want you to do is whatever it is that YOU want to do.
So there's no point in asking.
You've been on stp too long!
This is LIFE brother and life doesn't send confirmation e-mails

 

[JanuaryBell]

The nine to five rat race is for chumps. You can still have a career without having to be on some corporate payroll. Do what you really want to do. But since you asked, I would write that book pronto and get it self published (you can easily self publish ebooks). And who knows, you might have enough to both get a van and go abroad to Australia. You don't have to be tied down to a clock to raise the money you need.

 

[East]

I can't speak for what you want, but all of those ideas sound great. It's nice to have options, but indecision can grow tiring. For me building out my van has been rewarding, I feel like the process is just satisfying, there's always something to improve. You enjoy building out this site in a creative way, so maybe there is some satisfaction in a custom van or bus for you. Of course I'm biased somewhat being a rubber tramp. I'm about to turn 30, imagined societal pressures are pretty much my biggest enemy at this point. They really can create a lot of doubt, but don't forget that it's your life and nobody has to live it but you. I have to agree with Januarybell about the book if you want to start making income streams, it's a good place to start.

 

[lone wolf]

Matt, the book idea should be your main focus imo. i'm always excited to open one of Matt's threads because you find some of the most interesting topics to bring to StP. if you can put that magic into a book then i would imagine the profits could pay for the rest of your adventures. the slabs might be a great spot to start that book.

 

[Kate Westcoast]

I feel similar to this at the moment too, and i like your #4 idea the best for obvious reasons...

Il always remember last september when i biked into the slabs, the small duration of my time there my cheeks hurt incredibly from smiling so hard, as hot as it was there i felt extremely at peace, you know yourself its a good place to be

Stagnant life breaks my heart and hurts my soul and i hope that all of us can somehow overcome that one day,

Magic happens outside your comfort zone but then you become comfortable with that and uncomfortable with what used to be comfortable, the idea is to be comfortable with whatever zone youre in

Its a battle

Just remind yourself each day no matter what you do that youre a fucking bad ass

Its easyd to forget

But your a fucking badass know matter what you do

 

[Matt Derrick]

thanks everyone, i've actually gotten a few responses that are all across the scale, which is nice, because i feel like i'm not preaching to the choir (or vise versa?). so thanks to everyone for being honest and not just jumping on the 'fuck it go travel' bandwagon

i agree with those of you saying i should finish the book. i'm working really hard right now on other stp related things in an attempt to clear them off my plate, so i can concentrate on the book. i know it should be on the top of my list, and it's going to be very soon. i honestly think that i have a lot to say, and i'm really looking forward to getting all my thoughts and tips and tactics down into one resource that i think could really help a lot of people.

so, having the opportunity to do that in slab city is looking like a really good option since i could relax for a while without distractions and get that done.

i keep having to remind myself that even though im middle aged, it's not like i don't have (theoretically) another 20-30 years ahead of me, so there's plenty to time to do all the things i want to do in life, but i've always treated life like i was going to die tomorrow kinda thing, which usually works as a positive motivator (for me) but lately has probably contributed towards me putting way too much pressure on myself.

if you can put that magic into a book then i would imagine the profits could pay for the rest of your adventures.

i've had similar thoughts (dreams?) about the timeline all matching up so that the book did pay for at least one of those things. man, that would be amazing. of course, the only way to know is to try i suppose

I'm about to turn 30, imagined societal pressures are pretty much my biggest enemy at this point.

exactly! it's such bullshit, i mean i really just want to shave my head and tattoo my skull/hands/face and fuckin do whatever i want but society is always sitting there, judging. even on simple shit like 'why don't you have a car/house/kids yet' type of garbage that everyone in society expects you to have at our age.

one of the other things i forgot to mention is that i feel like it gets harder to find a partner the older you get since a lot of women are married or have kids by this point and you're kind of looked down upon if you don't. or some women think you're a weirdo for not having those things and a career and all... and i know i shouldn't care because those women are not the people i'm looking for but it's just one of those societal pressures that's always wispering to you submliminally. maybe it's from a lifetime of advertising, but nobody wants to die alone cause the thought of that is scary and it's just one more thing that's feels like it's designed to "keep you in line" in a way.

Just remind yourself each day no matter what you do that youre a fucking bad ass

Its easyd to forget

But your a fucking badass know matter what you do

thank you, i seriously shed a tear on that. i mean i get emails and people telling me i'm awesome for making stp and all that, which is great, but it doesn't give me a big head, which is good, but it always kind of flies away really quickly and i start to forget, and i don't often think to myself 'gee i'm awesome' or anything (more like, 'what the hell is wrong with me?'), but it's nice to hear someone say so. makes me feel like i'm not always so alone and maybe i'm not a *complete* wingnut

 

[Killjoy]

Become a trucker maybe? Buy your own rig after some time of working for a company with a contract. Work and still travel. Buy that nice rig, its your new home, and get more money owning your own truck. I personally might do that route one day. Oh and you might have room to put a bicycle on the rig as well.

 

[Andrea Van Scoyoc]

God, I feel like a half-dead crone when I read about all you "yungins'" complaining about how old you're getting and the things you want to do, when all of you are vets at doing what I'm just now, contemplating starting!

@JanuaryBell ...the rat race is for chumps. I know, I speak from experience. I worked in corporate America for 30 years and what do I have to show for it?

Two mortgages on a house that will never be paid for.

The "American Dream," is dead and not coming back.

Living free is the way to be. So...with that said, I have to go with number 2, as I can understand that one. That's my plan, too.

When I hit the gypsy trail, I plan to live on the road, traveling from festival to festival.

Whatever you decide, Matt, best of luck. But seriously, y'all stop talking about how old you're getting, before I smack you.

Ha ha...

 

[Brother X]

"A technique attributed to Sigmund Freud to help in making difficult decisions is to toss a coin not actually to determine the decision, but to clarify the decision-maker's feelings. He explained: "I did not say you should follow blindly what the coin tells you. What I want you to do is to note what the coin indicates. Then look into your own reactions. Ask yourself: Am I pleased? Am I disappointed? That will help you to recognize how you really feel about the matter, deep down inside. With that as a basis, you'll then be ready to make up your mind and come to the right decision."

 

[RovingAnarchist]

Now, I'm pretty much just making shit up off the top of my head, and I don't know if this is how it works. BUT. Have you considered doing a treatment/pilot about your documentary idea for Discovery/TLC/any of those other crappy networks that run reality tv? They love weird shit- TLC seems to run nothing but My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding some days. They would go absolutely crazy if they found a way to get footage about travellers/nomads/anarchists. Admittedly, they would edit it to make us look like morons. However, it would at least prove the point on a national level that we aren't bomb-throwing terrorists like the news makes out. Since you are an "expert" on this subject, you already have a name and good reputation in the community, it gives you a foot in the door for a project like that.

(Did I just commit a sin, suggesting that any of this world belongs on TV? It's only that we all know the collapse is coming, and I find it necessary to tell as many people as possible that there are other options.)

 

[landpirate]

I feel like you crawled inside my head and stole all my thoughts. It's great and almost debilitating having so many options.

My thoughts are, do something that you will 100% enjoy and is affordable the quickest. Then when you're on a high from that you can slog your guts for 6 months working and get the cash together to travel to australia/europe/UK or wherever. Then have a sit down and a reassess...Don't buy a van if you're going to leave the country as it'll just sit rotting or you'll have to sell it.

I don't get your age panic, we're fairly similar ages and I just don't get the worry. We could die tomorrow or we could live for another 40 years. Wouldn't you rather chug along doing whatever the hell you wanted now and settle down if/when the time is right, not because you or others think it's what you should be doing. I know people in their 60's doing the stuff on your list of things you want to do.

With regards to earning money, it doesn't have to be the 9-5 working for someone else. Its hard work but doing stuff for yourself is so much more rewarding. Write that book, it might be the financial making of you, who know's?

Whatever you choose, it doesn't have to be forever. You can change your mind.

ps. go to the slabs then i can come visit

 

[Andrea Van Scoyoc]

Yep...I had that idea too, but had the same fear, they'd make us look like a bunch of unwashed, lice ridden lepers of society.

Nice to know I'm not the only one committing psychic sin, with my thoughts... ::

 

[RovingAnarchist]

I suppose that with Matt at the helm, that would be less likely to happen. We'd still look crazy, that's what those shows do. Upside of that being most of us are a little crazy and admit it openly. I figure looking like a wingnut is a small price to pay for getting the word out to people suffering the American Nightmare™ that there are better ways to live.

 

[wizehop]

Firstly dude, what your doing with STP is a pretty big deal. I'd say bigger than any 9-5 job, especially as the site grows into a truly international space. This stuff here is some life's work type shit, if you know what I'm saying. As the leader of a worldly site, its probably a good idea to be worldly as well. So its in everyone's best interest here, to have you mobile.


Everything you are working on can be done from anywhere in the world, including your book. You have a lot of skill/knowledge in regards to websites/coding and such, so it would be a waist to go get some faceless job for some faceless company, and be stuck in one place to boot. Travelling globally isn't as expensive as people like to think it is, save for the odd plane ticket, otherwise depending on how you live you can do it on next to nothing...and fuck you got connections through this site anyhow, so it shouldn't be hard.

Man you know you want to travel, where ever the fuck that may be is secondary. The question is how to pay for it. I think the answer lies with something online. That way you can travel, make coin and spend it where ever you are. I know STP is anti add, but maybe your podcast can be run outside of STP and have a little add revenue. Or maybe there are other options where you can make coin via the internet....new silk road maybe
I know capitalism takes a bit away from communities but fuck man you gotta live, you gotta eat, you gotta create, it all costs money. You cant do any of that when your stuck in one place that's depressing you and your struggling to pay for shit.

Anyways man, I guess all that to say, travel and look for some kind of online revenue stream to pave the way. If you need to save up for the first plane ticket, then spend a few months killing it and set a date.

 

[DaisyDoom]

I think biking around and photography sounds like the best plan. That and working on your book and podcasts...I would love to see more of those. That way you still leave yourself open to pretty much whatever and you are traveling AND being productive.
You can bike to South America...just sayin.

 

[Matt Derrick]

Become a trucker maybe? Buy your own rig after some time of working for a company with a contract. Work and still travel. Buy that nice rig, its your new home, and get more money owning your own truck. I personally might do that route one day. Oh and you might have room to put a bicycle on the rig as well.

thank you for the suggestion. i've considered it a few times in my life, but to be 100% honest the last thing i need to be doing now is sitting on my ass eating fast food all the time. i'm overweight as it is, and i'm trying really hard to live a healthier lifestyle.

Whatever you decide, Matt, best of luck. But seriously, y'all stop talking about how old you're getting, before I smack you.

haha i know, it's all relative. and reading your comment makes me think how comical it is that i'm worrying so much at this age, but again i think it's just part of those socilogical pressures society puts on us.

Now, I'm pretty much just making shit up off the top of my head, and I don't know if this is how it works. BUT. Have you considered doing a treatment/pilot about your documentary idea for Discovery/TLC/any of those other crappy networks that run reality tv? They love weird shit- TLC seems to run nothing but My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding some days. They would go absolutely crazy if they found a way to get footage about travellers/nomads/anarchists. Admittedly, they would edit it to make us look like morons. However, it would at least prove the point on a national level that we aren't bomb-throwing terrorists like the news makes out. Since you are an "expert" on this subject, you already have a name and good reputation in the community, it gives you a foot in the door for a project like that.

(Did I just commit a sin, suggesting that any of this world belongs on TV? It's only that we all know the collapse is coming, and I find it necessary to tell as many people as possible that there are other options.)

i've considered it, but you really need to have something going first before someone will want to turn it into a show (ongoing youtube channel, a pilot, etc). i've been approached by several producers to do some kind of show, one even came out to film me and my friends while we were sailing around key west, but after a year or two nothing ever panned out even after they shopped around the idea for a while. so at that point i set out to do it by myself.

I feel like you crawled inside my head and stole all my thoughts.

i'm definitely glad i'm not the only one, make me think maybe i'm not totally bonkers

My thoughts are, do something that you will 100% enjoy and is affordable the quickest. Then when you're on a high from that you can slog your guts for 6 months working and get the cash together to travel to australia/europe/UK or wherever. Then have a sit down and a reassess...Don't buy a van if you're going to leave the country as it'll just sit rotting or you'll have to sell it.

i think that's some of the best advice ive gotten just because it's so straight forward, thank you

i have a plan along these lines that i think will work which i'll talk about in a minute.

I don't get your age panic, we're fairly similar ages and I just don't get the worry. We could die tomorrow or we could live for another 40 years. Wouldn't you rather chug along doing whatever the hell you wanted now and settle down if/when the time is right, not because you or others think it's what you should be doing. I know people in their 60's doing the stuff on your list of things you want to do.

i think it's largely my parents, you know, i mean i love my mom and my dad can be a bit of a dick but i think it's just kinda ingrained into me (and probably most people) that i don't want to disappoint them. so it's hard when what i want to do in life is something that they'll probably never understand and having to come to terms with them not liking it is going to be a little rough i guess.

i sincerely hope i'm still rocking the world as hard when i'm in my 60's.

Firstly dude, what your doing with STP is a pretty big deal. I'd say bigger than any 9-5 job, especially as the site grows into a truly international space. This stuff here is some life's work type shit, if you know what I'm saying. As the leader of a worldly site, its probably a good idea to be worldly as well. So its in everyone's best interest here, to have you mobile.

I've been thinking the same thing, but kept trying to 'settle down' temporarily to raise money for ideas and projects that were a bit beyond my reach. I was also plagued with a pretty severe lack of focus in terms of what i wanted to do with my life and StP in general. I feel like working through all this in the past year or so has solidified the fact that StP and the community around it is what I should be focused on, and I think that's going to take the form of just me running around the usa/world documenting various parts of the travel punk / anarcho punk world, basically all the little parts that make up StP.

i definitely feel more alive and active, and like i'm doing the right thing when i'm out and about rather than just sitting in one place, so yeah, mobile is best.

Man you know you want to travel, where ever the fuck that may be is secondary. The question is how to pay for it. I think the answer lies with something online. That way you can travel, make coin and spend it where ever you are. I know STP is anti add, but maybe your podcast can be run outside of STP and have a little add revenue.

Yeah, if the podcast is successful, I wouldn't feel bad about ads for other cool projects or just plugging the donation button every once in a while. Also, writing the book could possibly finance going to australia... so here's the new plan I'm pretty much set on (thanks to you all )

I'm going with option #4. I'm already preparing to leave austin at the end of september, and i'm using my time until then to get all the technical stuff related to StP off my plate, so when I get to Slab City I can concentrate solely on writing and the podcast. I'm also going to save money so I can get a Sony a7 still camera, which is expensive, but i'm really hoping will take my photography to a new epic level.

I've planned out my spending so that i'll have a bit of money to live off of while writing the book, (which won't take much since I don't have many vices these days) and I'll get food stamps when I get there.

I'm setting a goal for myself to finish the book by the end of 2015. That thought both excites and frightens me since it means I need to start dedicating myself to making this a reality, which is going to take a lot of hard work, but work that I'm really looking forward to. If I can make enough money selling copies next year to finance further travels, well, all the better. If not, at least I'll have one of those major 'life bucket list' items (write a book) finally off my list and I'll figure things out from there.

So yeah, I just wanted to respond to everyone that replied and thank you for all the good advice. It really helps to have some like-minded folks to bounce ideas off of, if for no other reason than to make sure I'm not totally crazy. So thank you all for helping me with this decision, it was a huge help to both me and StP

 

[Durp]

Matt, chill dude. I get that way too (check out the mixture of half completed threads I have) I'm glad you are going to the slabs, but maybe you should get some online cert for front end development so you can travel around and make a global tour of WiFi coffee shops to work a few hours a day to fund the journey? stp is one hell of a portfolio piece.