Generalized Anxiety

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So I have been going through this little rollercoaster as I posted before about. I really believe it stems from the cocaine and drinking I was doing with a family member in a time when I needed quiet and sober days, on top of generalized anxiety that I was pushing down with the drugs and under the table anxiety pills. chemical interaction what have you, mixed with my already imbalanced chemicals.
So I've been dealing with the ups and downs, ups and downs, which are hard but i will prevail as i talk to others, this can last quite some time months and months. I realize too through this hard time that i believe I have always had generalized anxiety, depressive times, basically sort of a mental illness that has risen in me probably once a year, Every few years for a longer period of time. Its a bitch at times and i think back to the times it has affected me for no real reason at all. -Wanting to get home when on the road, due to loneliness and familiarity and family, anxiety etc. Now it has progressed etc and really has been a battle, no suicidal thoughts really, but I'm i guess I'm asking if anyone else deals and what do you do? Especially for getting back into travel. I’ve been sleeping inside for the time I’ve been dealing. Because I think if I was outside urban I’d really struggle with it. Till I get past this long slog. What do you do for triggers? For me now it’s little closed spaces a bit or too close quarters what have you. Or excessive conversation of one sidedness.
 
WTF, man..?

why should you be uptight about *caring* for things...?

??

ok.. so you're fucking powerless.

deal with it, or join the goddamned taliban, right?

right.

oh.

you don't like being a slave.
well that fucking sucks, doesn't it?

you **may** or ****may
****
fucking
*****NOT*****
be able to keep your ass fed & sheltered *****IF******

*********NOMINALLY*********

*******IF**********************************************
IF
if

***iF*

if
*

if..

holy fuck...

*if*

you
willingly

(o, O God, fuck)

not willingly.. but of a necessity we would will to, rather than hate with blood against
& thus for peace

& the weakness of desiring

what little percentage of freedom might be had..

subject yourself to their inanities

in the hopes they will count your thraldom sufficient...

& that there, at that point,

you shall be left the Fuck

Alone...


Ha HA ha ha HAAAA,

asshole.


it really fucking sucks, doesn't it?

to be willing to die

to have peace..
just

peace

but not being able to die enough...


Christ Holy Fuck Almighty...

when all we have are nails & shitty crowbars & blunted hammer tongs

they might see...

when we charge, not the cubicles, but the High Windows
where they speak openly...

where they spend $3000 a day in a space they use perhaps 20 hours a week..

when we charge

.. all shall be at ground level...


kill them.

fucking kill them.

they kill us all.

they even kill themselves, trying to prove their lives are more than any others...

they are strange..

they do not know how life differs from the mere mechanics of simple thermodynamics..

they believe they *are* more
because they *percieve* more..

& i pity them, because they damn themselves by constantly claiming
"more"..


Oh, Christ..

please fucking save us..

Kill them or save theme..

but please goddamned get them out of the fucking picture..

unless there is a picture we do not quite grasp,
& must be pigment to..

then?

pleae use my flesh

& use my fucking failure

& use my fucking pain

& use my fucking hatefull fucking loss....

but please,

please

keep me fucking kind


when kindness is what some other, poor, relatively innocent

shit

may need...
 
gird your loins up, son..

it doesn't fucking end, & if you jump off a fucking cliff because you can't deal with it, we''l fucking mourn, but I, personally, will only envy how you dealt with it.

no pity, onnly sorrow for what is, grief at my own cowardice & a slow self destruction by my own hand raised to you, in toast..
 
Hey dude I’m guessing you deal too. That’s what I take from it.
 
Man I can relate for sure. Chemicals definitely don't help. Glad you're backing off that shit. I'd say hunker down until that unhealthy shit is out of your system. If you're up in Oregon still, try getting some of that weed for anxiety/depression. My brother swears by a strain called Golden something...can't remember now that I need to. haha I was thinking Golden Goat, but that's a sativa I think and seems like an indica might be a better choice. Depends on your own personal chemical balance probably though.
There's a free app called Leafly that has a shitload of cannabis knowledge and it's free. Maybe check that out.
Keep your head up and know there's people out there like you. You're not alone in this kind of thing for sure.
 
Well went to ER last night just to get a short anti anxiety script to sleep and I slept hard finally. To kind of kick the cycle a bit. I probably got 8 hours. Going to a clinic today to see about options. I was doing good and bottomed our again.
 
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