AnotherNerd

Some of my earliest memories are of playing in the yard and seeing someone new coming across the pipe bridge in the back. There was always someone new cutting through since the interstate blocked most other ways. Dad hated it since people stole his lawnmower parts and Mom was a little church lady that didn't approve of much of anything. That's one reason I wasn't allowed to hang out in my own neighborhood growing up. I never felt like I could see what was on the other end of that trail, or find out where these people were coming from.

When I finally hit school age, I was able to meet other non-churchy kids. I was new to having friends and didn't know why they didn't want to come to my place (and why my dad wanted to hide the weed smell), so I just learned school things instead. Becoming a nerd really didn't help my social skills much either, but with time I got a bit better at it.

I got my first taste of freedom when I started working at a summer camp at 16. At the time, I didn't know why, but for the next decade, the rest of my entire year was spent looking forward to those two months out of the year when I could work at the camp. For the longest time, I thought it was the place itself (and don't get me wrong, it is a beautiful 1,300 acres, right on the old Clinchfield) but I've come to realize it was the friends made, the work we all pitched in to do, having free time together and all while dealing with the weather and uptight leaders. We got a night off and often left in large groups to relax or cause trouble. I ended up staying there on the one night a week everyone was supposed to go home since I was quiet and didn't mind the place to myself.

After I started there, everything else seemed like filling time. I got some help to get out of my hometown, away from church lady and to go to college, but I still had to work. I took interesting jobs like being a bus driver that would let me keep having summers off. One was security at an arena, which gave me time to roam the empty building. I spent more time on the roofs and catwalks and deep within the foundations, plenums and air ducts than many of the facilities people. I still wonder if the ways in I knew about are still there...

After a few years of trying and not finding my place, I gave up and dropped out. I had planned to work the summer one more time and then try to leave town (I didn't know very much, but I knew I would learn quick). One of the non profit places (cheap!) I worked part time figured out that I had quit school and offered me a full time job. That's when I made one of my biggest mistakes and took the job.

I say it was a mistake now, but it probably was good for me at first (and in hindsight, the folks I had been talking to online were definitely up to no good). I had a ton of debt and thought I could pay it off, then go do what I wanted after that. What I didn't realize at the time was how the cycle continues and how expensive working a fancy job could be. Old debt was replaced with new and before I knew it, years had passed.

As time went on, it became harder and harder to keep my opinions in, especially as I noticed the world get more isolated and selfish. Overhearing conversations in that environment was common and they took a lot out of me. Some years were worse than others, but overall it was very bad for my sanity. I never really fit in either... I was the only person with a desk in the other building.

For a while, I didn't think I had options... Having no degree and being just a little bit off socially left me staying there. I had no connections with the folks there and felt like I had to keep to myself since I wasn't 'family friendly' in my free time. Eventually conditions there got worse for everyone and I was one of many who left.

Since I had done the work of several job titles with half the pay, they had a hard time finding someone else so exploitable. I got a good deal to 'work' from home a while longer, giving me some time. As I got away from that horrible place (physically and mentally), I started to remember what life was like before I tried to fit myself into that job and really enjoyed it.

I had never been into status or wealth, and just couldn't imagine working in any of the offices I had seen so far (coworkers were used to my frumpiness, but not vendors and such). I worked for very few for profit places in my life, so I couldn't see myself working for a bank or some tech job trying to 'disrupt' shit, so I wasn't really in a hurry to move up in a career.

I suppose some algorithms must have figured something out, because I started to get new suggestions for things to learn online. I don't recall actively searching for any, but suddenly I was seeing things from a different angle and thinking of all the new places where camping might be an option. This only helped to fan the flames, but it got me curious enough to overcome some of my fears, stop spending so much energy concerned about what people think of me and start looking at myself a lot differently.

In a few months, the pride festival rolled around and I was feeling pretty good about things. It was the first time I went and wasn't self-concious about everything thing I did. I knew I was on the right track when I was drawn towards one end of the festival for a band that was playing. It was like I knew I was in the right place for the first time. I don't remember the song, but one of the next songs was a cover I knew that opened my eyes towards the music I listened to before the job. I hadn't realized how accepting most was towards me and how I felt before. Now that I'm older and more experienced, I wish I would have listened closer sooner.

Where does that leave me now? Who knows‽ Bring engrossed in a job for years left me missing out on a lot and even though I'm 40, I often feel like I'm still 26. I'm starting to understand some of my friends and family from over the years, but sadly many have already gone before I got the chance to open up. Some of my old friends have families of their own now, and probably wouldn't appreciate the stories I could tell, so I keep to myself mostly. I have a much more open mind these days and try to appreciate the present. Taking the time to stop and think a while has been pretty good for me, and I feel I have a much better outlook, even with all the shit in the world today.