I'm writing this at a very confused and dark time in my mind, a time where I feel stuck, incapable and indifferent with all the choices that I am "supposed" to make as a human living on this speck of dust. Every day that goes by is one more day I lose myself in the stagnant mind that is my depression. I want so desperately to pack my very few belongings and leave for the sake of myself and my sanity, but I keep doubting my ability to do so. My world has collapsed since last year when I supposedly went "manic" in the Chicago area for about 5 months straight, now I am a ghost of that person feeling more dead than alive. I remember the rush I had when I was on the streets and never knew where the next train would take me, and I will admit that I felt almost supernaturally able to do things and I convinced myself that life was just a game. I didn't travel much further than the immediate surrounding areas of Chicago, and only got mugged once luckily.
I've been brought up Christian my entire life, and now that I really look into it the more insane it sounds. So, on top of the fact that I am alone, depressed, unmotivated, and underemployed, I am also questioning the existence of god as well. The ironic thing is that when I was "manic" god was everywhere and everything consisted of a supernatural presence.
At this point I just want to leave. I am too comfortable sleeping all day at my parents house and it is making me feel even worse. The docs say that I have bipolar, and feeling the way I am now there is a part of me that sees validity to that statement, but my environment could be a big part of it.
So here is my recent mindset
If I leave I might not survive and barely get by, if I stay it wouldn't have made much of a story.
I've been brought up Christian my entire life, and now that I really look into it the more insane it sounds. So, on top of the fact that I am alone, depressed, unmotivated, and underemployed, I am also questioning the existence of god as well. The ironic thing is that when I was "manic" god was everywhere and everything consisted of a supernatural presence.
At this point I just want to leave. I am too comfortable sleeping all day at my parents house and it is making me feel even worse. The docs say that I have bipolar, and feeling the way I am now there is a part of me that sees validity to that statement, but my environment could be a big part of it.
So here is my recent mindset
If I leave I might not survive and barely get by, if I stay it wouldn't have made much of a story.
Oh yeah the more I read about religion the more Atheist I become, nice quote btw love Mr. Sagan.
