As someone who supports the incoming administration, here are some of those crazy liberal agendas I’ve read about that we could see come to fruition:
1. Gun laws should be reworked. We want all your guns. By all, I mean every single one. You have a Nerf gun? I want it. Rubber band launcher? Give it to me. Old school Super Soaker? It’s mine.
2. Marriage equality and reparations. Gay marriage is the only true marriage. Will that mean my marriage is voided? Unfortunately, yes, but the LGBT community has endured so much that they should get a leg up at this point.
3. Abortions for all! Seriously. The government should fund the development of at-home kits and give them out for free. Then Planned Parenthood can go back to being a low cost health center for all!
4. Universal healthcare for everyone. But I want it to cover everything from needed medical attention to any elective operations and procedures. Maybe I’ll finally be able to afford that third arm I’ve always wanted (made from stem cells I crowd source from number 3, of course).
5. More surveillance. I love my GPS equipped cellphone. I feel safe knowing that anyone can find me anywhere at any time and listen to what I’m doing. But I still don’t feel safe enough. I want that embedded right in my forehead, kind of like a third eye that sees all (which it will unless I put a tinfoil hat on).
6. More separation between church and state. I don’t just mean legal separation, either, we’re talking physical here. Houses of worship are literally no longer allowed to be connected to the ground. Religious institutions should pray to their gods to create some way of levitating their buildings above the ground. If it’s that important to them, the deities will up their game.
7. Defund the police. If I have to buy my own supplies as a teacher, let the police buy their own vests, guns, cars, dogs, bikes, clothes, badges, computers, mace, etc. The only thing we will fund is body cams and big light up name tags with ID#. I’d also support Lieutenant Dangle uniforms for all (paid for by the taxpayers as it would benefit us greatly). Also, all police must make siren noises with their mouths like in a Police Academy.
8. More immigration. We need to get more people into our country. New law says that you’re not allowed to come back from visiting another country without bringing someone back with you. Then you need to support them until they get on their feet. It’s important that we show other people what they’re missing in the country that spent the last 4 years getting great again.
9. More minority representation. Everything must now have a higher proportion of minorities than majorities. Obviously, this will create some kind of weird feedback loop, but that’s what the scientists can sort out after they finish number 3.
10. Better sex ed. I’m tired of this wimpy sex ed with bananas and 1950s birth videos. Students need to be required to attend live birth viewings via those old operating theaters. Things like proper contraception use should be taught by trained professionals from various different walks of life.
11. Education reform. There’s the obvious things like preschool for all and higher education opportunities (college, tech school, etc), but what about the bored empty-nester mom who wants to learn to crochet so she can make booties for her 30 iguanas? Why should she pay for furthering her education? Well, under the new education plan, she won’t have to spend a dime on tuition!
12. Universal Basic Income! Here’s that tasty sexy socialism for you. Everyone gets $50,000 a year plus free food and housing. You don’t even need to work to get it! As long as you’re breathing and have a pulse, it’s yours. Robots will be taking over soon anyway, so why not get us used to sitting around all the time and proving to everyone how lazy we really are!
13. Fair elections - voting is mandatory and not voting is punishable by death. The voting age will go down to 6 years old. I’ve seen some woke 6 year old kids, too, so I think it would benefit us in the long run.
14. No more gas cars. We all know that oil is terrible, so we’re going to convert all the gas cars into artful housing for the influx of immigrants (remember #8). From now on, everyone needs to bike, skate, or walk. Cross country skiing is also acceptable, as are snow shoes.
15. The National Anthem is going to be replaced. We will be having groups submit their ideas for a new country jingle, which will be replaced every 5 years. Dancing to it will be required, and those who do not learn the dance will be prosecuted under the “Kneeling is Unpatriotic act of 2021”.