So does anyone have any jokes??
- Thread starter drunken marauder
- Start date
I have confirmed that Staples actually sells staples, I'm off to Dick's now!
I used to be a chain smoker, but then I became a second hand smoker. At first it was hard to get my hands coordinated, but now I can finally smoke with both hands.
Why are men like lawn mowers?
To get them started you pull on them and pull on them and before you know it you are mowing the grass.
I wrote that joke in 1994 as part of my first stand up comedy act at an open mike at Shooters in Reno, Nevada. It is good to share it again.
A very holy and spiritual priest dies and is swept up to heaven. St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Hello Father welcome to heaven! You are very well known here, and as a special reward because you are such a devout man, we're going to grant anything you wish even before we enter the Kingdom. What can I grant you?"
And the priest says, "I am a great admirer of the Virgin Mother. I've always wanted to talk to her." St. Pete nods his head to one side and who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!
The priest is overcome with joy and says, "Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours and followed your life as best I could. I have studied everything I could about you--every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I've noticed without fail that you are portrayed bearing a wistful expression. Forever I've wondered what it was that made you seemingly so melancholy."
And Mother Mary says, "Honestly, I was really hoping for a girl."
And the priest says, "I am a great admirer of the Virgin Mother. I've always wanted to talk to her." St. Pete nods his head to one side and who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!
The priest is overcome with joy and says, "Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours and followed your life as best I could. I have studied everything I could about you--every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I've noticed without fail that you are portrayed bearing a wistful expression. Forever I've wondered what it was that made you seemingly so melancholy."
And Mother Mary says, "Honestly, I was really hoping for a girl."
Woman goes to her psychiatrist 'cause she's having big problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her lots of questions but wasn't getting a clear picture of her problems. So finally he asks, "Do you ever watch your husbands face while you are having sex?" And she says, "Well, yes, I did once." The psychiatrist asked her how he looked and she said, "Very angry."
The psychiatrist felt he was finally getting somewhere: "That's very interesting but we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex, which seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?" And she says, "He was looking through the window."
The psychiatrist felt he was finally getting somewhere: "That's very interesting but we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex, which seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?" And she says, "He was looking through the window."
So the circus is in town and there's this act with a lion in a cage.
A very brave woman enters the cage completely naked and lets the lion lick her entire body. All goes well and the audience cheers.
The master of ceremony asks 'Is there anyone else who is bold enough to engage in this daring task?!'
One man says "Yes! Just get the lion out of the cage first!"
A very brave woman enters the cage completely naked and lets the lion lick her entire body. All goes well and the audience cheers.
The master of ceremony asks 'Is there anyone else who is bold enough to engage in this daring task?!'
One man says "Yes! Just get the lion out of the cage first!"
What is the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bath tub???
The woman in the bath tub has hope in her soul...
The woman in church has???
Soap in her hole!
Thank you, thank you.
I'll be here all week.
The woman in the bath tub has hope in her soul...
The woman in church has???
Soap in her hole!
Thank you, thank you.
I'll be here all week.
So a racist, a murderer and a rapist walk into the bar and the bartender says “ What will it be officer?”
Hahaaaa!!! Heard that at a show
Hahaaaa!!! Heard that at a show
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
How can you tell if your roommate is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.
Man walks into a bar. There is a big jar full of $100 bills on a shelf behind the bar.
He asks the bartender "What's up with that jar full of hundreds?"
Bartender says "it's a standing bet we have here at the bar. You put a hundred in to enter, you take home the jar if you succeed. First you have to go in the back room, where there's the meanest pitbull in town, and it's extra mean cause it's got a tooth-ache, and you gotta pull out the problem tooth with your bare hands. Then you gotta go upstairs, that used to be a whore-house, and Old Crusty Mary who was the madam and has seen it all and done it all, you gotta make her come twice."
Gay says "That is some crazy shit" but after a few drinks, don't you know he's putting his hundred in the jar and heading into the back room.
There is snarling and barking, and just a terrible ruckus, and it goes on for a while, and the bartender is pretty sure the dog has killed the guy, when he comes staggering out and says "All right, i did Part 1. Now where's that old lady with the sore tooth?"
A stick.
How can you tell if your roommate is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.
Man walks into a bar. There is a big jar full of $100 bills on a shelf behind the bar.
He asks the bartender "What's up with that jar full of hundreds?"
Bartender says "it's a standing bet we have here at the bar. You put a hundred in to enter, you take home the jar if you succeed. First you have to go in the back room, where there's the meanest pitbull in town, and it's extra mean cause it's got a tooth-ache, and you gotta pull out the problem tooth with your bare hands. Then you gotta go upstairs, that used to be a whore-house, and Old Crusty Mary who was the madam and has seen it all and done it all, you gotta make her come twice."
Gay says "That is some crazy shit" but after a few drinks, don't you know he's putting his hundred in the jar and heading into the back room.
There is snarling and barking, and just a terrible ruckus, and it goes on for a while, and the bartender is pretty sure the dog has killed the guy, when he comes staggering out and says "All right, i did Part 1. Now where's that old lady with the sore tooth?"
What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A little horse
What is the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? A hunter lies in wait, a fisherman waits and lies.
A little horse
What is the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? A hunter lies in wait, a fisherman waits and lies.
How do you tell if a crusty girl is on her period?
Only one sock.
How do you tell a crusty girl just had her period?
One red sock.
How many people with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
HEY! LET'S RIDE BIKES!
Only one sock.
How do you tell a crusty girl just had her period?
One red sock.
How many people with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
HEY! LET'S RIDE BIKES!
Latest Library Uploads
-
Book Born to Run: A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes, and the Greatest Race the World Has Never SeenBook about the Tarahumara and how we can move without pain or injury too.- JustAWanderer
- Updated:
-
Book Self Defense Manual - Self Defense That Works! [Berfwef, Ben]A variety of self-defense techniques that can be used when in a bad situation
- BlackJack
- Updated:
-
Zine Winter support mobilization2022 zine on mobilizing support for homeless individuals during cold weather.
- marymemarryme
- Updated:
-
-