So does anyone have any jokes??
- Thread starter drunken marauder
- Start date
Guess who?
Chicken Boo!
We are not alone in the poultry revolution.
::chicken::
::chicken::Bukkah!
If I have a rooster, and you have a donkey, and your donkey bites my rooster's feet off... What do you have?
......
......
......
...2 feet of my cock in your ass!
......
......
......
...2 feet of my cock in your ass!
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So this guy from the prairies walk to the garden I'm working in and starts chatting with me for a while. All sorts of silly questions really about the garden, the veggies and stuff. I'm getting pretty riled up at this point listening to him being obnoxious. He finally ask me the QUESTION he's been itching for since the beginning: "So how big's the farm here boy?" So I tell him: "see the corner of the street there?" "Yeah" "see the telephone post there?" "Yeah" "Well that's how big it is until the tree line behind me". And the yuppy starts laughing and laughing and when he finally recompose himself he tells me: "Boy, if I jump in my pick up truck at sunrise on the summer solstice and drive until sunset that day, I can just make it to the end of my land". So I looked at him right in the eyes and turned around to go back in the garden and said "Oh yeah, I once had a car like that, but I got rid of the thing all right"
Feel free to appropriate the story, it's not from me
Feel free to appropriate the story, it's not from me
So two deer are leaving a gay bar - one turns to the other and says - "MAN! I can't BELIEVE i blew thirty bucks in there!"
*********Slightly sexist against ladies*
A bear (like an actual bear) walks into a bar where sit a lone girl and one male bartender - the bear orders a beer - the bartender is like "We don't serve bears in here"
Bear's like "Are you fuckin' kidding me? If you don't serve me a beer I'm gonna maul this girl"
Bartender's like "Nah bear - you're gonna chill the fuck out and you're going to be out of here"
Bear proceeds to maul and partially eat the girl sitting at the bar (I like to make snarling noises and flesh tearing motions now)
Bear's all covered in blood and he says "Now are you gonna serve me a beer or do you want to wind up like her?"
Bartender's like "Nah bear - you're about to chill the fuck out right now - that was a barbituate" (Bar. Bitch. You. Ate)
::artist::
A bear (like an actual bear) walks into a bar where sit a lone girl and one male bartender - the bear orders a beer - the bartender is like "We don't serve bears in here"
Bear's like "Are you fuckin' kidding me? If you don't serve me a beer I'm gonna maul this girl"
Bartender's like "Nah bear - you're gonna chill the fuck out and you're going to be out of here"
Bear proceeds to maul and partially eat the girl sitting at the bar (I like to make snarling noises and flesh tearing motions now)
Bear's all covered in blood and he says "Now are you gonna serve me a beer or do you want to wind up like her?"
Bartender's like "Nah bear - you're about to chill the fuck out right now - that was a barbituate" (Bar. Bitch. You. Ate)
::artist::
****Slightly sexist against ladies*
This woman works the front counter at a sperm bank. It's Monday morning, she clocks in around 7.45 and is doing some paperwork. She flips the sign around signifying the sperm bank is open.
A man walks in with a mask on - points a gun at her and is like "Open the safe"
She says "Uh, sir..this is a sperm bank....we don't keep money in the safe here"
He makes a show of taking the safety off, and says "BITCH IF YOU DON'T OPEN THAT SAFE RIGHT NOW I'M GONNA BLOW YOUR FUCKING BRAINS OUT!!!!"
She's afraid at this point and opens the safe - where sit many viles of different patients' sperm samples.
He says - "Okay, good - now drink one"
She's like "Are you serious?"
He's all like "IF YOU DON'T DRINK ONE I'M GONNA SPLATTER YOUR BRAINS ALL OVER THE FUCKING WALL!!!"
So she drinks one. (I like to make a gulping noise and say 'bleh')
He says "Okay good, NOW I'M GONNA WATCH YOU DRINK ALL OF THOSE OR I'M GONNA FUCKIN KILL YOU!!!"
So she downs them all, one by one, and says "There - is that all you want?!"
Her husband takes off the mask and says "See honey - what was so bad about that?"
This woman works the front counter at a sperm bank. It's Monday morning, she clocks in around 7.45 and is doing some paperwork. She flips the sign around signifying the sperm bank is open.
A man walks in with a mask on - points a gun at her and is like "Open the safe"
She says "Uh, sir..this is a sperm bank....we don't keep money in the safe here"
He makes a show of taking the safety off, and says "BITCH IF YOU DON'T OPEN THAT SAFE RIGHT NOW I'M GONNA BLOW YOUR FUCKING BRAINS OUT!!!!"
She's afraid at this point and opens the safe - where sit many viles of different patients' sperm samples.
He says - "Okay, good - now drink one"
She's like "Are you serious?"
He's all like "IF YOU DON'T DRINK ONE I'M GONNA SPLATTER YOUR BRAINS ALL OVER THE FUCKING WALL!!!"
So she drinks one. (I like to make a gulping noise and say 'bleh')
He says "Okay good, NOW I'M GONNA WATCH YOU DRINK ALL OF THOSE OR I'M GONNA FUCKIN KILL YOU!!!"
So she downs them all, one by one, and says "There - is that all you want?!"
Her husband takes off the mask and says "See honey - what was so bad about that?"
Why do Portlanders love Kombucha so much?
It's the only culture they can get.
Knock Knock...
[Who's there]
Daisy...
[Daisy Who?]
DEY SEE ME ROLLIN, DEY HATIN
(It's best if you can cue up the song for it...)
What do you call 12 white guys on a bench?
An NBA team
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man,
A crustie walks into a bar and proceeds to get schwifty on beer. Just before the bartender cuts him off, he says to the barkeep "I'll bet you 500 dollars cash that I can stand on this barstool, pee into a pint glass on the bar, and not drop a single drop of urine anywhere."
The barkeep eyes him suspiciously, but it's been a slow night and hey, 500 bucks!He agrees, puts a clean pint glass on the bar, stands back, and tells the guy to proceed.
The guy sways on the barstool, whips out his schlong, and irrevently pisses fucking everywhere, almost falling off the stool.
True to his word, he gives the bartender the 500 bucks and walks out, laughing and smiling.
Now an old timer in the corner saw this whole thing, and runs outside to the crustie. "What the fuck are you smiling about??" He asks. "You just made an ass of yourself and lost 500 bucks!!"
The crustie just points to a man in a suit outside the door and replies "Yeh, but I just bet that guy 2 grand I could piss all over this here bar and walk out smiling"
It's the only culture they can get.
Knock Knock...
[Who's there]
Daisy...
[Daisy Who?]
DEY SEE ME ROLLIN, DEY HATIN
(It's best if you can cue up the song for it...)
What do you call 12 white guys on a bench?
An NBA team
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man,
A crustie walks into a bar and proceeds to get schwifty on beer. Just before the bartender cuts him off, he says to the barkeep "I'll bet you 500 dollars cash that I can stand on this barstool, pee into a pint glass on the bar, and not drop a single drop of urine anywhere."
The barkeep eyes him suspiciously, but it's been a slow night and hey, 500 bucks!He agrees, puts a clean pint glass on the bar, stands back, and tells the guy to proceed.
The guy sways on the barstool, whips out his schlong, and irrevently pisses fucking everywhere, almost falling off the stool.
True to his word, he gives the bartender the 500 bucks and walks out, laughing and smiling.
Now an old timer in the corner saw this whole thing, and runs outside to the crustie. "What the fuck are you smiling about??" He asks. "You just made an ass of yourself and lost 500 bucks!!"
The crustie just points to a man in a suit outside the door and replies "Yeh, but I just bet that guy 2 grand I could piss all over this here bar and walk out smiling"
Oh and
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" The horse says, "As an anthropomorphic horse, I fit in neither with humans nor my own kind, and have thus lived a life of loneliness."
A three legged dog walks into a bar, howls until all is silent, and announces "I am looking for the man who shot my paw!"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" The horse says, "As an anthropomorphic horse, I fit in neither with humans nor my own kind, and have thus lived a life of loneliness."
A three legged dog walks into a bar, howls until all is silent, and announces "I am looking for the man who shot my paw!"
How do you know your sister's on her period?
Your dad's dick tastes like blood.
How do you know you have high sperm count?
Your girl has to chew before she swallows.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pimple?
A pimple doesn't come on a boy's face until they're at least 13.
How do you circumsize a redneck?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippy chick?
The hockey player takes a shower after three periods.
How did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass?
Satisfying.
Why do women have babies?
Because it hurts, and they deserve it.
Your dad's dick tastes like blood.
How do you know you have high sperm count?
Your girl has to chew before she swallows.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pimple?
A pimple doesn't come on a boy's face until they're at least 13.
How do you circumsize a redneck?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippy chick?
The hockey player takes a shower after three periods.
How did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass?
Satisfying.
Why do women have babies?
Because it hurts, and they deserve it.
Epic, this thread and that last one in particular.
I don't know any jokes because my memory has always been nil. But I remember (somewhat) one about a month ago, about two property owners in Montana backcountry. Feel free to throw poo at me, but it goes like this
There is a disagreement.
One needs to use the others property to hunt or something, and the other says nay. But the first refuses to back off because his request seems innocent enough.
They call on a judge, and he comes to settle matters.
Saying, 'we are going to settle this Montana style, and the first man to go down or otherwise forfeit.. Well, loses. Each of you are going to take turns hitting the other in the face.'
So the man with the land tells his neighbor to go first. The guy winds up and lets loose with everything he's got, clocking the guy square in the jaw. The man falls to his knees and remains silent for a few minutes trying to recover.
Finally he stands back up, and says, alright my turn... so saying, he kicks his neighbor in the balls, then throwing one into his nose as he is falling forward in agony.
The neighbor is lying flat on his face blood all over in less than a few seconds. The man with the property then says, 'okay, I'm happy now, you can have it', and walks away.
I don't know any jokes because my memory has always been nil. But I remember (somewhat) one about a month ago, about two property owners in Montana backcountry. Feel free to throw poo at me, but it goes like this
There is a disagreement.
One needs to use the others property to hunt or something, and the other says nay. But the first refuses to back off because his request seems innocent enough.
They call on a judge, and he comes to settle matters.
Saying, 'we are going to settle this Montana style, and the first man to go down or otherwise forfeit.. Well, loses. Each of you are going to take turns hitting the other in the face.'
So the man with the land tells his neighbor to go first. The guy winds up and lets loose with everything he's got, clocking the guy square in the jaw. The man falls to his knees and remains silent for a few minutes trying to recover.
Finally he stands back up, and says, alright my turn... so saying, he kicks his neighbor in the balls, then throwing one into his nose as he is falling forward in agony.
The neighbor is lying flat on his face blood all over in less than a few seconds. The man with the property then says, 'okay, I'm happy now, you can have it', and walks away.
What does butt sex n spinach have in common?
If you're forced to have it as a child you probably wont enjoy it as an adult.
this young fellow is getting married. & on his wedding day his great granddad, who is about 90, pulls him aside & says "sonny.. sonny.. i have to explain something really, really important to you.. it's about sex & marriage.."
Well.. his great grandson looks at him, smiles & says "Grampers, I already know about the birds & the bees"
but his granddad pulls him up close & "no sonny.. this is *reealy* important.. ya see, when you firsts gets married, you have sex all the time.. 7, 8.. hell maybe 10 or 15 times a day.." & his grandsonny looks back ^ says ". well.. yeah, Grampers, i kind of figured that.." but his granddad says " well it doesn't stay like that... nope! ya see, after you've been married a few years you don't have it so often.. maybe 4 or 5 times a week.. & then, after you been married, ohh.. say.. 15 or 20 years, you don't have sex nearly so often.. just days like anniversaries or birthdays.." & his grandson looks at him & says "is that right..?" & then his greatgrandaddy, he says.. "yeah! & when you've been married a ***really*** long time, like me & yer grammy, you only have oral sex!!" & the young groom to be screws up his face & says "you & grammy still have oral sex???" & his grampers says to him, he says.. "yeah! every night before we go to bed, she screams at me 'Fuck You!!' & i scream back "Fuck you too!!"
Well.. his great grandson looks at him, smiles & says "Grampers, I already know about the birds & the bees"
but his granddad pulls him up close & "no sonny.. this is *reealy* important.. ya see, when you firsts gets married, you have sex all the time.. 7, 8.. hell maybe 10 or 15 times a day.." & his grandsonny looks back ^ says ". well.. yeah, Grampers, i kind of figured that.." but his granddad says " well it doesn't stay like that... nope! ya see, after you've been married a few years you don't have it so often.. maybe 4 or 5 times a week.. & then, after you been married, ohh.. say.. 15 or 20 years, you don't have sex nearly so often.. just days like anniversaries or birthdays.." & his grandson looks at him & says "is that right..?" & then his greatgrandaddy, he says.. "yeah! & when you've been married a ***really*** long time, like me & yer grammy, you only have oral sex!!" & the young groom to be screws up his face & says "you & grammy still have oral sex???" & his grampers says to him, he says.. "yeah! every night before we go to bed, she screams at me 'Fuck You!!' & i scream back "Fuck you too!!"
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says, "Again? What the hell is wrong with you people?" and pours two beers.
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