When Friendships End..

[James Meadowlark]

I think I picked the most appropriate spot for this thread, but if not I hope the moderators will move it.

So I have friends that I've known for 25+ years and I would trust with my life- the kind of friends that are closer than family, and everything's been great for a quarter century, which is pretty fucking amazing. I absolutely love all of them.

One of them has lately begun to kind of fade away- Less and less responsive to the occasional email or phone call, or attempt to hang out or have a conversation etc. to the point that it's become totally one-sided on my end, and it sucks.. We've been slowly circling the drain for about a year or so. I don't think I've (or she for that matter) has done anything wrong or offensive, I think it's just life going different directions, and that's OK, it's just a tough pill to swallow. There are no social nor medical issues that I'm aware of.

I think it's time for me to admit that my efforts have been exhausted with no reciprocation, and I should just move on, but I'm struggling...

I know that we've all experienced the ebb and flow of friendships in our lives, but this is almost worse than a romantic breakup if that makes any sense.

I was married for ten years, and when that fell apart, I actually got over it faster than I expected- Mostly because I (and she was for sure) miserable for that downward spiral.. After I caught my breath post-divorce, my life (and her's as well) has been a billion percent better- so it was a good thing.

This just makes me sad.

 

[AAAutin]

One thing the road has taught me is that the impermanence of human relationships—whether romantic or platonic—is not only natural but heightening. Back in my straight life, I spent so much time tap-dancing to create and preserve forced connections out of a desperate co-dependent need for external validation. And, now, all of those for whom I struggled have been supplanted in my heart by the free-and-easy single-serving friendships I've made out in the world.

There are thousands of yous and thousands of mes; when one friendship ends, the space is created for ten more to begin. (And I hope that comes off less as hardened and more as heartening.)

 

[Deleted member 8978]

I hear you on that. There has been a few other friends I have known, especially most of my special ed classmates, for at least 15 years or more. A few months ago, however, one of my best friends I have known for at least 20 years passed away from a sudden heart attack. I find losing my friends from death worst than breaking up with them, but that's my opinion.

 

[Tude]

Not sure if I read it here or somewhere else but it was referencing friendship - especially long distance and even more especially if other friend gets married etc etc - that the friendship has ebb and flow. I have friends - and my bestestestest friend from High School that we did all sort of crap with (yep got lots of drunks, hitchhiked and streaked nekked one time especially, ahem) and I was friends with her later even though my boyfriend didn't like her and then she kind of disappeared but we found each other and then didn't find her for like 15 years. Reconnected and we are still good friends and try to connect with our lives when we can -- and this is good. So glad I found her again.

But this is also like some of my other friends - especially some great friends I've made off of these traveling forums and facebook groups as well as conspiracy sites and bicycling forums - I can actually say I have a bf met through a bicycling forum like 2011? And all sorts of friends I interact with across the country+ who I consider good friends. And I have some great friends through this site and facebook group that I maintain a face to face relationship with meaning that we visit.

So what I'm getting at is - while I may not get to see my friends face to face (my florida Chris is on hold this year unfortunately - he's fun to urban explore with) - AND due to our schedules - we may not IM or talk to each other as much as sometime we do ---- I don't worry about it. We will catch up. \

Plus friends drift in and out too. I am couchsurfing friendly person and I must say I have met some really great people. Some people I am still in touch with, others I see on Facebook and I might comment on a band they are in or their dog. And they answer back. Cool

I don't know if this helps or if I'm on the right path here but hey - I'm sure all will work out.

 

[James Meadowlark]

I find losing my friends from death worst than breaking up with them, but that's my opinion.

Last year I had a good pal I've known forever just keel over at age 46 from a heart attack. I miss the guy, but it's not as bad, since it wasn't his fault if that makes any sense. We'd been friends forever, but it wasn't like he just drifted off with no reason.

 

[James Meadowlark]

One thing the road has taught me is that the impermanence of human relationships—whether romantic or platonic—is not only natural but heightening. Back in my straight life, I spent so much time tap-dancing to create and preserve forced connections out of a desperate co-dependent need for external validation. And, now, all of those for whom I struggled have been supplanted in my heart by the free-and-easy single-serving friendships I've made out in the world.

There are thousands of yous and thousands of mes; when one friendship ends, the space is created for ten more to begin. (And I hope that comes off less as hardened and more as heartening.)

Whoa.. very nice, and thank you.. I guess I'm caught up in some permanence, as 25 years (I went to college when I was nineteen and met my pal there, so from my perspective that's as permanent as can be) is really a lifetime to me.. As I get older, maybe I should start to get used to this. There are a ton of contributors on this site who aren't even twenty-five years old!!!

I've had other 'close' friends come and go, but this time just feels a bit different, and pretty heartbreaking.

Thanks for the replies.

 

[landpirate]

Going to move this over to sex and relationships section.

I feel you on this one. It is really hard. I am going through something very similar with a friend who I consider or maybe considered is more apt to be my best friend of 20 years. I was his "best man" (yes I know I'm a woman!) At his wedding 5 years ago so you know, I thought I was kind of in his inner circle when it comes to friendships. But his sister died and he didn't tell me and he had a child a few months ago and even though I had been chatting with him a bit over the last few months he failed to tell me his wife was even pregnant.

My life is chaotic, his is not (well maybe now he has a kid it is) but he has lived in the same place for years and I move around but he's stable and makes no effort to be in touch with me. It's weird.

I think it's perhaps just how it is when you grow older, you drift apart and what you felt as a teenager is not so relevant when you're in your 30's or 40's. I also find that friends who live a more conventional life than me can struggle to align themselves with my lifestyle or experience of things. I think they see me doing what I want and being fairly free and regret settling down. Or maybe they just see me as very immature because at the grand old age of 35 I'm still doing whatever I want.

I hope you find some peace through your friendship breakup. Don't lose your ability to contact them though should you want to.

 

[Deleted member 2626]

I've had like two friends the last few years. One I've done some tramping with and one since high school. Women have turned them south. No calls or if I am around and hang it's me pushing it. I love them but get so pissed about the forgetfulness of what was that I just stop really contacting them myself. Plus I'm on a barely worn path and they are on the crowded highways. I'm selfish I guess but I won't adapt my life to regularity. If I do I become not myself. Losing friends is hard.

 

[James Meadowlark]

@Tude especially- You're really good at this.

And for the other posters in this thread...

Thank you...

"Breaking up" with a friend (friendship=25 years long, and I was 19 when I met her, so do that math and learn I'm old AF). Just wondering why after twenty-five years things are changing in a way that's beyond repair.