Warning This is a Rant fueled by Booze and such

[LostAvood]

I apologize premptiveley I dont usually do this...I gues this is being done out of loneliness and booze dashed with depression...I need to leave this place (my so called home) not to run away but to finally really know my soul. Here in this 125 mile long prison of plastic smiles and cardboard con artists I am not only alone but having bits of me stolen. My ability to feel love has died . I need to get out before I completely die inside and/or drink myself to death. I feel as though I am trapped at times. I have nothing here but the one shred of my past has a brain tumor thats inoperable thats making her insane (my mom) she was never there for me even when she was healthy. She stoodby knowingly while my childhood was violently stolen from me. Does it make me a bad person that come september I am gonna leave her? I guess ill figure it out with my only friend the........ botttle.

 

[carnytrash]

Personally, I don't think it makes you a bad person. Every now and then, it's perfectly acceptable to be completely selfish. You'll likely still care about your mom, but making yourself your number one priority is just something that has to be done, especially if you are having such serious feelings.

Who knows, maybe somewhere down the road you will feel differently and go back to see your mom, but right now it sounds as tho you have to focus on YOU, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

 

[rationale]

I don't think it makes you a bad person to escape from and retaliate against those who have harmed you. If your mom did in fact "(stand)by knowingly while (your) childhood was violently stolen from (you)," then she is a fucked-up individual. If you feel you can make amends, and that your mom is someone who deserves to have amends made to, and you feel making amends would benefit you, then by all means, try to do so. Try to consider if you will regret not making amends or not sticking around for her, after she is dead. But I don't think it should prevent you from leaving, at least temporarily, especially if she is as bad as she seems from your post. You should not do something that is driving you insane and potentially to dangerous alcoholism for the sake of staying with someone who helped ruin your birthright of a healthy childhood. That's my two cents.

 

[CXR1037]

Awwww, you're growing up! You're coming of age, reaching that point where you realize the world is more bad than good and it leaves you with a visceral distaste in your mouth. You immediately see your surroundings as a prison, everyone around you as plastic, and everything else as bullshit. Some call this nihilism and consequently they start drinking hard, hoping that somehow alcohol changes anything. But of course it doesn't, and in the end you either deal with reality and strive to do your best, or you give up and become a drunken idiot.

I hope it all works out for you.

 

[LostAvood]

Thank you all for supporting a stranger and taking the time to read my drunken ranting from the previous night. I apologize for my pathetic self pitying out-cry.I hope this hasnt given anyone a terrible image of me. I normally dont drink like that nor wallow in self pity. Again I must thank you all.

 

[bryanpaul]

STICK OUTCHO THUMB !!......even just fer a short lil trip to clear yer head.....

 

[bryanpaul]

but ...on a serious note.... i understand the rock and a hardplace position yer in ..... it sucks how most of the time in life there is no easy answer...no matter what you choose to do your gonna be sacrificing something else....i guess that's where alot of personal ideals and whatnot grow from.....what you choose and what you choose to not choose.(?) to do........ "My ability to feel love has died . I need to get out before I completely die inside and/or drink myself to death. I feel as though I am trapped at times."............ i can identify with that .....but yeah....(like i'm gittin ready to do) ...maybe just take a little break...a short trip out and about to clear yer head...new surroundings, new people....take a vacation and decide from that vantage point what you want to do