I just finished an adventure from Southern Oregon to Northern Washington. No paperwork or license in a vehicle that was begging to be pulled over. 600 miles and only 3 cops got behind me. None of em' pulled me over! I took a trip, a break in between coming off of the road to coming off of the road. I've been trying to come off of the road for a minute, now, but its proving really difficult to do it in style. To do it in a way that won't leave me fucked up and with less than I started with. In a way that won't leave me bitter and jaded.
If you wanna hear God laugh, just tell him your plans. Oh, how he must be rolling around in a fit of laughter right now.
She fell asleep a few minutes ago and I've been sitting on the foot of her back porch, crying and chain smoking cigarettes and trying to recapture my shit. There's no possible way that this one can work out, either. I'm dangerous to her. I haven't known many people for much longer than this one, but I also haven't went so separately of ways from another human being, either. We left the US Air Force during the same month of the same year, but only after saving each others' lives a handful or two of times. We literally liberated each other from Death's embrace. Like it was going out of style. We spent most of our time in each others' company without ever wanting anything more than a sibling. Someone to just fucking be there in the midst of it all.
I love this woman.
I fucking love this woman.
Her best friend approached me earlier tonight.
They work together, live together, and go through life together. They were intimate for a moment, but for just a moment. She has a thing for older men, he has a thing for playing Captain Save A Ho...They were a match made in heaven. But she is who she is, and she ate him up and spat him out. He was strong enough to stand by her side afterwards, and I respect the man for it. He found her, and he never let her go. I wish I had a similar claim. And so him and I chatted earlier. Not two hours ago as I write this.
He began by asking how long I intend on staying. This is entry level bullshit -- He wants me gone or he has concerns. I've been surfing couches and farms for too long now.
I take a giant schwill of wine without breaking eye contact. Partially to consider my thoughts, partially because I've been here before. Partially because we're talking about a rather special kind of woman in my life. I'll fucking kill for her.
But I ask him what's on his mind, and he brings up the chaos that I'm introducing into Amelia's life.
I tell him that I've been thinking about the same all afternoon, ever since taking a tour of where my sister is working.
I remember her during the deepest depths of her depravity. But today I walked through a sparkly clean hangar full of private jets and aircraft. She was telling me all about everything that's happening to em'. She's pointing to multi million dollar aircraft, describing it as "Yeaaaaahhhhh this piece of shit here sprung 53 splunx. You know what a pain in the dick it is to patch up 53 separate oil leaks!?" We approach her tool chest, where she talks about how hell of a deal she got on it. The chest is normally $7.5k, but she got it on sale from a guy who was leaving for $3k. The chest. She tells me about how her manager gives everyone in the shop $150 a week for Tool Allowance. I think about how hard I've spanged for those kinds of numbers, and it makes me get to thinking.
I tell him that I'll be leaving in the morning, because I don't want to extend the conversation. I'm wild. I'm feral. I'm not good for her and I accept it.
I love this woman.
He continues the thing by saying "Yeaaahhhh, that'd probably be a good idea. One of my issues with you is how you've brought up magic mushrooms for the last three nights. She...can't do that. Not if she wants to continue onwards to become a federally certified mechanic on helicopters and private jets. I love Amelia, and I respect how you kept her alive that night. I respect you, and so does her whole fucking family. What's the point in having kept her alive if you're just going to throw her to the wolves again?"
I know what he means. I kept Amelia alive that night, but I sent her straight to hell in a straight jacket. It was the Air Force, there were protocol, and she was suicidal.
I look at the cherry red BMW that retails at over $85k, and I feel ashamed about how I put that vehicle in jeopardy over the last few days, zipping around town without a license just begging for it to get impounded after all of my sister's hard work. He and I were sitting in the garage, smoking cigarettes and talking about things. Sure...I was there once upon a time. He's here right here right now.
I thought about how she is STILL unhappy and struggling in a lot of ways. Suicide being one of em'. I was rationalizing hippy-napping her. Stealing her away to the road and encouraging her not to look back. I thought about how nice it would be to finally have a chance with her...And she suddenly pops up next to me, letting go of a loud belch while lighting one of her fancy cigarettes.
We hold each other and share a moment, and I manage to keep my shit together for the conversation. I'm multiple bottles of everything into the night, feeling every which way but right. Trying to hold it together. We shoot the small shit even though I want to dive deep into her soul. She goes to bed and I break down crying on her back porch. I don't want to wake her up, she's waking up at 3:30am to face an extraordinarily early day at work.
Her best friend hangs out in the doorway for a moment, hopefully appreciating how fucked up he just left a man.
And I get my shit together long enough to compose this.
Because I don't want to forget this ever.
I'm likely to forget everything.
I don't want to forget this.
I want to get back on the road, where its easy to let things slide by.
If you wanna hear God laugh, just tell him your plans. Oh, how he must be rolling around in a fit of laughter right now.
She fell asleep a few minutes ago and I've been sitting on the foot of her back porch, crying and chain smoking cigarettes and trying to recapture my shit. There's no possible way that this one can work out, either. I'm dangerous to her. I haven't known many people for much longer than this one, but I also haven't went so separately of ways from another human being, either. We left the US Air Force during the same month of the same year, but only after saving each others' lives a handful or two of times. We literally liberated each other from Death's embrace. Like it was going out of style. We spent most of our time in each others' company without ever wanting anything more than a sibling. Someone to just fucking be there in the midst of it all.
I love this woman.
I fucking love this woman.
Her best friend approached me earlier tonight.
They work together, live together, and go through life together. They were intimate for a moment, but for just a moment. She has a thing for older men, he has a thing for playing Captain Save A Ho...They were a match made in heaven. But she is who she is, and she ate him up and spat him out. He was strong enough to stand by her side afterwards, and I respect the man for it. He found her, and he never let her go. I wish I had a similar claim. And so him and I chatted earlier. Not two hours ago as I write this.
He began by asking how long I intend on staying. This is entry level bullshit -- He wants me gone or he has concerns. I've been surfing couches and farms for too long now.
I take a giant schwill of wine without breaking eye contact. Partially to consider my thoughts, partially because I've been here before. Partially because we're talking about a rather special kind of woman in my life. I'll fucking kill for her.
But I ask him what's on his mind, and he brings up the chaos that I'm introducing into Amelia's life.
I tell him that I've been thinking about the same all afternoon, ever since taking a tour of where my sister is working.
I remember her during the deepest depths of her depravity. But today I walked through a sparkly clean hangar full of private jets and aircraft. She was telling me all about everything that's happening to em'. She's pointing to multi million dollar aircraft, describing it as "Yeaaaaahhhhh this piece of shit here sprung 53 splunx. You know what a pain in the dick it is to patch up 53 separate oil leaks!?" We approach her tool chest, where she talks about how hell of a deal she got on it. The chest is normally $7.5k, but she got it on sale from a guy who was leaving for $3k. The chest. She tells me about how her manager gives everyone in the shop $150 a week for Tool Allowance. I think about how hard I've spanged for those kinds of numbers, and it makes me get to thinking.
I tell him that I'll be leaving in the morning, because I don't want to extend the conversation. I'm wild. I'm feral. I'm not good for her and I accept it.
I love this woman.
He continues the thing by saying "Yeaaahhhh, that'd probably be a good idea. One of my issues with you is how you've brought up magic mushrooms for the last three nights. She...can't do that. Not if she wants to continue onwards to become a federally certified mechanic on helicopters and private jets. I love Amelia, and I respect how you kept her alive that night. I respect you, and so does her whole fucking family. What's the point in having kept her alive if you're just going to throw her to the wolves again?"
I know what he means. I kept Amelia alive that night, but I sent her straight to hell in a straight jacket. It was the Air Force, there were protocol, and she was suicidal.
I look at the cherry red BMW that retails at over $85k, and I feel ashamed about how I put that vehicle in jeopardy over the last few days, zipping around town without a license just begging for it to get impounded after all of my sister's hard work. He and I were sitting in the garage, smoking cigarettes and talking about things. Sure...I was there once upon a time. He's here right here right now.
I thought about how she is STILL unhappy and struggling in a lot of ways. Suicide being one of em'. I was rationalizing hippy-napping her. Stealing her away to the road and encouraging her not to look back. I thought about how nice it would be to finally have a chance with her...And she suddenly pops up next to me, letting go of a loud belch while lighting one of her fancy cigarettes.
We hold each other and share a moment, and I manage to keep my shit together for the conversation. I'm multiple bottles of everything into the night, feeling every which way but right. Trying to hold it together. We shoot the small shit even though I want to dive deep into her soul. She goes to bed and I break down crying on her back porch. I don't want to wake her up, she's waking up at 3:30am to face an extraordinarily early day at work.
Her best friend hangs out in the doorway for a moment, hopefully appreciating how fucked up he just left a man.
And I get my shit together long enough to compose this.
Because I don't want to forget this ever.
I'm likely to forget everything.
I don't want to forget this.
I want to get back on the road, where its easy to let things slide by.
