Sorry for bitching but.... What the fuck do I do with my life now?!

[Sip]

So, recently had to stop traveling before the traveling season even fucking begins thanks to my boyfriend. In fairness to him, he gave it a shot, but was so scared of really living the life that he did nothing and had a boring as fuck time. Then he starts bitching because he hates traveling. I come back with, " Of course you do, I'd hate traveling the way your forcing us to travel too." So, NOW i've fucking chosen Love (gross pissed off face) over traveling. Now i'm back to my home town, just asked for my fucking WAGE SLAVE JOB BACK and yay, surprise, they let me have it. Fucking joy. So, now I'm starting work again here in the next week or so, already hating my fucking LIFE. Can't find any place to live. Not that I'm that annoyed at that. More annoyed that my fucking boyfriend won't find a spot to set up a permanent camp so I can coble a bed together and get a solar shower going. BUT NO. SOMEONE MIGHT KICK US OUT OF THE CAMP OR....GOD FORBID, SEE US!

So, I can't travel. Don't want my old job back. But the worst thing is, I just don't know what to do now. All of my options seem so...pointless. Getting a house, bah. Making a lot of money. Bah. Making a little money? A lot of headaches. There is nothing I feel passionate about other than traveling. And love. Fucking love. What do you do when you can't do the only thing you want to do and everything else seems worthless? I'm not just bitching here. I really need ideas. I can only get drunk for so long before it kills me. I feel like there is just nothing worth doing. No job worth having. I mean, I'm NOT afraid of hard work. I worked hard to scrape money up to travel, but it was fine because it was for TRAVELING. I just look at all of my options.... and like none of them. I thought about just burning things down and spray painting the town and then going to another town and just trying to destroy the whole pointless efigy to capitalism, but thats a no go. Seriously, what do you do when there is nothing to do?

 

[Desperado Deluxe]

Just go. Doesn't sound like things are working so well between you two. Maybe if you go and get some of the travelling out of your system the space you've put between you will draw you back together. Its not like you have to walk off into the sunset never to return just go on a jaunt. Some people have to get out of the house for a walk when they ain't feelin so good. Others (like us) have to go out on a long adventure.

 

[creature]

what do you think love is?

if you think love is a "feeling", then you had better be carefull, because the feeling can kill you.

love is doing what has to be done to keep love alive without harming what you love.

anything else is selfishness.

love yer bf more than anything?
do what he needs you to do & stop bitching.

seems like you want the same from him, right?

love ain't a feeling.

love is fucking work.

love isn't happiness.
love is duty.

love isn't anything that has anything to do with feeling good.

if you can't give up what you *want* for what you 'love', then it isn't love.

love is not even about want.

love is where you need to take your source of happiness from...

if you cannot take happiness from what you love, then probably what you love is happiness, which is hella different from loving what you love.

you aren't going to betray love if you keep 'love' from killing you..
just learn the lesson:

don't love until you love someone whom loves what you love.

& that is hard fucking work.

when you love, you will fucking die for what you love.

that means dying.

that means "honey, i want to travel, but i *love* you, so i won't bitch about it."

if you love something greater than yourself in the context of what we call 'travel', or what we call 'freedom', then your love has to rest upon another with the same understanding.. there are people.. millions & millions of people... just as strong as you or i, just as loving & just as needing of love who see 'freedom' as an entirely different set of circumstances that neither *you or i* could ever stand to bear for even 6 fucking months...

they should not be chastised because they are different..

my father loved his family, deeply, & for 30 fucking years did his duty the various desks he held..

& he dinna actually like traveling very much..
not like you & i..

& that son of a bitch, my friend, knew what love was..

so.. the question may be.. are you really in love?

or is there just a feeling you enjoy?

because if you love, you will do what you need to do, & if you are *lucky* enough, *enjoy* your love & stop complaining about how unfair life is..

& if you do *not* love, you will face it & say "holy fuck!! i fucked up big time!! i let my being become part of somebody way too different from myself, just because i like being with them a lot, & now i feel as guilty as all fuck because my goddamned stupid fucking mistake is resolving into pain!!"

& at *that* point you decide:

1) "is my love so complete & overwhelming that i will sit at a desk or manage a store or whatever, for the rest of our lives?"

or;

2) "do i try & understand i made a goddamned serious mistake here, & need try and preserve friendship, if possible, & never, never, never, *never* do something so stupid again as involve myself in such a way that may not only seriously fuck *myself* up, but somebody who depended & believed in me, too?"

or;

3) (which is really a bit of a corollary to 2 ) "maybe i don't know what love is, & before i ever get too involved again, i am going to wait before calling this funny feeling running up & down me "love"."


love (which is not really love, because the same feeling can end badly on a second date that started really well on the first) is willing to try & to explore..
you don't give love super-nutrients until you can tell what kind of a plant it really is..
& you say to the person you are exploring love with (because love is beautifull in itself, *just to contemplate or behold*, but that does not mean it is the love you should attach to, itself) "look.. this is who i am, this is what i need.. there is a lot in you i admire, & a lot of aspects that i love & are grateful actually exist, and you are proof of that, but what i love & what is important to me, & what is freedom to me are very different than from you.. i admire you & love you in that capacity, but..
i cannot Love you.."

& then you have a good time knowing each other & become good, dear friends, but at least you don't wind up blowing each other's guts out..

if what you *want* is love, never, ever, ever, *ever* become intimate, in the context of love, with someone who is looking for love, too..

man.. you say "i love you" before you know what love will really demand, or that someone is compatible enough with you to face it?

instead of firing up a new Star, you are kicking the tripwire on a fucking landmine.

The only thing you can do when there is nothing to do is either die or become enslaved.. take your choice.

fucking period.

what you *can* do, when there is *something* to do, is to own up, at first..
that doesn't mean you can go "la de da, i owned up", of course, but it means you recognize you fucked up, accept the fucking **guilt** for fucking up, try to fix, as best as you are honestly able, whatever damage you are guilty of fucking causing, & then, as i said, say to yourself "i will never ever ever *ever* do that again.."

& be fucking glad there were no kids involved, & that you weren't the only one who screwed up..

you are, in fact, very lucky...

unless you are an emotional addict & can't walk away from the consequences of an honest emotional mistake & instead of never trying to hurt anyone again, you just hold onto the *feeling* you had, & the *hope* you had & continue to fuck things up & bitch & whine..

in which case this whole fucking rant is useless, because your relationship will fall apart, & instead of trying to reconstruct things with strength & respect towards whom you love, you will instead be driven into a fucked up state of emotional failure that will just harm you both even more because of your addictions to this feeling of 'love'..

get the fuck out, forgive yourself (because you are too fucking young to have known any better, perhaps, & because you had this great thing that seemed such a strong imperative of something beyond yourself) & remember how bad it feels when you blast your goddamned foot off..

other than that, man..

well..

if you *say* there is nothing you can do, then.. so as you speak, so shall it be.

good luck, my friend,

c

 

[creature]

please don't think i'm being insensitive..

i mean.. this is a fork in the road..

fork 1: leave & travel.. maybe work, maybe save a little, but leave & travel..

fork 2: stay.. stay & be glad you have what you love, & stay with that love & enjoy that love & fight your best to keep it, even if it is against yourself.

fork 3: stay & be miserable, & hate that you have to stay, & feel haunted that you have somehow compromised, martyred unjustly compelled yourself by the act of staying..


it is a shit ass mess, my friend.

we only know your side, but.. people who "give shit a chance" only to make a show of it are pretty vile & manipulative, so be fucking carefull of who's fault it is, when the grease burns on the bottom of the pan..

motherfuckers who know they will hate something to begin with, but go through fucking motions to get something or manipulate are vile, vile, vile fucking entities..

"i gave it a try.. i knew i would whine, bitch & hate it & not *really try it, but *look* like i tried it, so i could leverage you later, so you would be *my* way, instead, since i could call you guilty after the fact.."

what kind of useless emotional fucking extortion is *that*...

if there is *any* substantial color of that, you need to drop their ass cold..

then again.. maybe you just need to find the right place..
maybe traveling won't be such a big deal, if you find a place you enjoy staying...

like the desert?
save up $$ & try fucking new mexico (yeah!!)

like the ocean??

try to find a place an hour or so from the sea.. the NW is best, in my opinion.. the east is blown to all hell, after 500 fucking years of building..

like the mountains?

there are thousands of places along the Divide..

is there a reason you *have* to stay where you are?

find a good place that has environmental variety, & you may find a shitty car will give you all you need, if not a bike..
drag that motherfucker's ass out on two wheels & make him *earn* what he's being given, unless he really *is* just an emotional twerk..


in which case...

get
the
fuck
away.

i dunno, man.. options aren't very often things that appear magically or unexpectedly..

they are things you make.

good luck, pal..
& peace,

j

 

[sean p]

The guy above me rants to much love you man lol
But let's get real you don't have a kid with him bahhaha duh right so Just go does he work is he helping in anyway to better both of you? no probably not from what I have read so tell him I'm leaving you can go or stay an if you go I don't want to here cry baby bull shit the whole time grow some nuts js

 

[Hillbilly Castro]

Dude, work up a few grand and go international. Go to some super fucking cheap part of the world and stay in cheap hotels and shit. That way, your man will feel comfortable, you'll get to travel, and you both are happy? That working up a few grand part will suck, but when you're not working you can research your destination, maybe work on the basics of the language, look for really cool and obscure spots, maybe even stake out a place you'd like to spend time living for a little while. I hear there are nations where you can go there with 4-5k and live really well for a year or more. See if he'd be into that, show him some pictures and have him read some travelogues.

But dude, don't compromise on travel. It's your life, and I GET IT, nothing feels better than traveling and for a lot of us, its the only place we fit in this world. You will find love again. Give him another chance - say hey man, me and the road are a package deal. Deal with it or I'm out. And if he can't deal, roll the fuck out. Go somewhere new, slough it off, and live yer damn life.

 

[Tude]

Hmm the people who have chimed in have said a great deal of good things. I wish I would have just flew when I found myself tied down and unhappy in the early 90's instead of trying to do things that was expected of me, keep trying again and again on a useless relationship, buying a stupid house that was to me an eyesore .... I wish I flew away and did what I wanted to do which was see things and travel - or even relocate with travel in mind. I have too many little eyes in my herd of cats now as well as health issues to just drop it and go. But I am not unhappy. I have set up my place. However for you? You need to be happy - do it.

 

[Tude]

btw - @creature needs his very own HEART emoticon.

 

[Matt Derrick]

dump the guy. you can't make others happy until you're happy yourself.

 

[Sip]

Thanks for all your replies, Matt, creature,Tude, and all the rest of you awesome people. Lots of good ideas. I already tried the working for a while and doing it the not rough way thing, so that's out. And he has no real desire to travel the world, or so I found out yesterday. You made some really good points about love, Creature, and I appreciate you sharing your experiences, Tude. I think I'm going to work for a month, and send him home to his dad's with my car and 5 or 600$. He still needs to get his GED and his Liscence, so he has shit he can work on, and I won't have left him high and dry. I've offered to do short jaunts and come back and see him every two or three weeks, and while he says that is acceptable, he always looks like he's about to cry. IDK, if I just dumped him, it would be a mistake. I've never been in love before, and I can't just throw it away for the road, but I deserve to be happy too, Goddamnit.

The problem with finding a place we would both like to stay is that he isn't down with that. He wants to be by his family, which is far from mine. I'd be happy to live in my fucking car by the ocean for the rest of my life with him, but he isn't down with that, either. I mean, he isn't trying to force me into anything. It's just that we realized too late that we're very different people. He wants a house and the straight life, and me... I just want to swim naked and sleep in the woods. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do, and I really appreciate y'alls help. You've helped me sort out my own thoughts as well as given me some new ones to think about.