incompatibility with reality (1 Viewer)

DazeDreamer

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is it possible to be healthy and constantly on the verge of suicide? I feel like I eat pretty well and drink good water regularly and get good exercise but my body is just falling apart from the inside out because I hate myself and the universe. any known remedy?
it seems that I won't be connecting with anyone any time soon/ever (which seems like potential remedy) since I don't actually think this reality is worth putting effort into, or experiencing to begin with... but I still can't kill myself yet so I'm stuck here for now and this waking up sick most days and having chronic pain all day every day at age 24 thing is a little bit tiresome. obviously I wouldn't expect anyone to take me seriously since I'm basically just a piece of trash whining on the internet but feel free to insult me or just say anything you want regardless of its relevance, because communication is pointless anyway! who fucking cares what we write!
bet you won't make that elongated flight scheme wake up at 5:30, tho.
 
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Matt Derrick

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its late so i don't know what to tell you right now, but maybe some others will chime in with some advice.

i changed your title to be a bit more relevant to the subject at hand.
 
D

Deleted member 22054

I deleted myself
I feel you @DazeDreamer i struggle with connecting with people, depression, loneliness, anxiety too. I hate my life atm. Trying to change and make myself get out more and meet new people. A few months back i joined my local volunteer fire department, which has been good. I also met a girl who i really liked. Thought things were going well till our 4th date, well wasnt really a 4th date, she just broke the news that she didnt feel that it wouldnt work out. Something to do with university or something. "Its not you its me" i was upset but hid my emotions. We agreed we'd just be friends because she did apparently like hanging out with me. That was a few weeks back. Now she barely returns text messages when we used to chat pretty well. Now im down in the dumps big time. I work a shitty job with shitty pay, go home to a empty apartment, have a million other shitty things on my mind that i cant let go of and generally nothing to look foward too in the future. To be honest i have been contemplating suicide the last week or so. Yes i know, not good. Not for just being rejected but because i really cant take much more of everything that im going through. The last few days ive been feeling so alone its not funny
 

Tadaa

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my previous roommate drew massive colourfull suns and smiley faces on every mirror in the house.
did the same at my new place now. with in big letters SMILE.
its a start. :)

and you re not alone. a lot of threads on here about it. just read on other peoples stories on what helped them and try to kick your ass to get up on your feet.
for example this short story
https://squattheplanet.com/threads/essay-about-train-hopping-depression-and-poetry.35196/

my anxiety, overthinking and depression has been at a massive high the last year. but slowly dragging myself out of it. and this site has been a help. i met a few amazing people through here. and this has been a great help with trainhopping and hitchhiking. (my escape that gives me the feeling of being alive)

also i am very fortunate to have amazing friends around the world to fall back on (even tho i have tio appologize to them often for taking my backpack, hit the road and leave them behind

wish you all the best.
and if you feel free to message me if you need to talk. different time zones and many miles away but feel free nonetheless
 
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DazeDreamer

DazeDreamer

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yeah I don't know what's up with interpersonal relationships but I definitely don't see how I could pursue connection with anyone again since I'm a psychopath or something. yet of course here I am still posting on the internet because I can't even make myself jump off a fucking cliff and I'm desperate to not be alone 24/7 which I actually am, regardless of all the other people in the world there is no connection and reading letters on a screen isn't going to make me feel connection with anyone when being around people in person doesn't even. maybe I'll get lucky and I'll get killed in a random street brawl. although I feel like the amount of rage and hatred that is inside me might allow me to destroy someone despite being short and skinny. so maybe I'd just end up in jail. either way, I'm too much of a coward to go up to someone and be like "hey uhm.. if you don't mind.. would you.. uhmm. fight me to the death? please.. if you're not too busy, that is.."

fuck life.
sorry for being worthless scum even though I can't tell if I'm sorry or not
 

Jerrell

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Suicide is never the answer. I've always had a plan that if I got to the point I would actually do it, I'd disappear to Belize instead. Beautiful country, friendly locals, and lots of nature and history to explore.
I can completely relate to you. I'm the type that has always felt alone in the middle of a crowd. That crowd could be strangers, family, or friends and I might even be interacting with them, but I'm still alone. I think being an introvert in a society that demands you be an extrovert or be damned doesn't help.
There are a lot of societal norms that I just don't fit into. Like I don't want to be a cog in their machine. I don't care what fashion and cultural trends are current. I don't need the fastest or shiniest anything. Fuck the Joneses and their cul va sacs and dusty high school sports trophies.
Yeah, I have dealt with the rage and depression and all of that. I still deal with depression and anxiety with some PTSD on top for seasoning.
I went through a lot of psych/therapist types (six, seven years of trying) and never found help, in fact some of them set me back a bit, but then I found the right fit for me and we were able to break down some shit that seemed too big to tackle and make it manageable. He helped me realize that I need to be on the road and not completely isolating myself in a room or on a barstool.
I don't like people and don't feel like making any kind of deep connections with them because of the pain it caused in the past on so many levels and he gets it. I have this thing where I don't get that bond that normal people get when they meet and become friends. Like how some animals imprint. I'm not a sociopath or autistic, so it is probably the PTSD that is doing it we think.
It's taken me a long time to figure out that I'm least happy when I'm stationary and dealing with the same people day in and day out. I need changes in scenery.
If I could go back and talk to my 25 year old self, I would tell myself to explore the world until I found a place I felt content to at least exist in so I'd have a base camp and then explore more from there. Oh, and to listen more (because a homeless guy at the shelter I volunteered at when I was about your age told me what I should do and I thought he was crazy, but now realize he was a genius haha).
I'm not going to give you some psychobabble crap about the grass being greener or turning pages or anything because shit doesn't change overnight.
Okay, well time does make things better. Only if you move forward though. And time moves slower than we'd like, but it's constant.
My last thought here would be to get on medicaid and get that chronic pain figured out and start looking for a therapist type that has conversations with you. The ones that talk at you are just collecting paychecks.
 

roughdraft

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it's a lot of things that most, so many that it's maybe even all people struggle with

so if you can identify that we are all sharing a common experience then maybe that can help you feel less pain
 
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DazeDreamer

DazeDreamer

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I've always had a plan that if I got to the point I would actually do it, I'd disappear to Belize instead.
There are a lot of societal norms that I just don't fit into.
I don't like people and don't feel like making any kind of deep connections with them because of the pain it caused in the past on so many levels and he gets it. I have this thing where I don't get that bond that normal people get when they meet and become friends. Like how some animals imprint. I'm not a sociopath or autistic, so it is probably the PTSD that is doing it we think.
My last thought here would be to get on medicaid and get that chronic pain figured out and start looking for a therapist type that has conversations with you. The ones that talk at you are just collecting paychecks.
If I get to the point where I would actually do it, then no one would hear anything from me because I'd just do it and not talk to people about it.
I think I don't fit into many societal norms at all. I have no desire to continue relying on market-accessed mining-products for survival and there is no escape from that unless I learn how to gather all of my sustenance locally on my own, since there's no one to learn that with.. not that I even have the energy to really do that because waking up happens for no fucking reason.
I see no reason to think I would ever find a place I want to exist, because it's not the location that's the issue. it's idiotic humans and the environment we've created. there's literally no reason to exist here other than human connection, for me. but that just gets further away every day
I've seen a variety of therapists before and none of them were helpful. there is nothing to work through, humans are just dumb as shit and that can't be solved while I'm alive.
I don't feel that bond either but I wouldn't be surprised if I am autistic or a sociopath. I have suspected that I'm somewhat autistic as long as I knew about it.
I've also seen doctors about the chronic pain and they're way too fucking retarded to be worth interacting with. I already know what I would have to do to be healthy, it's just not going to happen because I can't connect with people and therefore my brain is going to continue to kill me.
if you can identify that we are all sharing a common experience then maybe that can help you feel less pain
We are not all sharing a common experience lol and I don't see why that would make me feel less pain even if we were.
 
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DazeDreamer

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being on the road helped for a couple weeks, but that stopped when I realized that it is essentially the same as living in one place because civilization is the same everywhere I've been and everyone who isn't crazy is retarded everywhere I've been.
 

Coywolf

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is it possible to be healthy and constantly on the verge of suicide? I feel like I eat pretty well and drink good water regularly and get good exercise but my body is just falling apart from the inside out because I hate myself and the universe. any known remedy?
it seems that I won't be connecting with anyone any time soon/ever (which seems like potential remedy) since I don't actually think this reality is worth putting effort into, or experiencing to begin with... but I still can't kill myself yet so I'm stuck here for now and this waking up sick most days and having chronic pain all day every day at age 24 thing is a little bit tiresome. obviously I wouldn't expect anyone to take me seriously since I'm basically just a piece of trash whining on the internet but feel free to insult me or just say anything you want regardless of its relevance, because communication is pointless anyway! who fucking cares what we write!
bet you won't make that elongated flight scheme wake up at 5:30, tho.
I feel you @DazeDreamer i struggle with connecting with people, depression, loneliness, anxiety too. I hate my life atm. Trying to change and make myself get out more and meet new people. A few months back i joined my local volunteer fire department, which has been good. I also met a girl who i really liked. Thought things were going well till our 4th date, well wasnt really a 4th date, she just broke the news that she didnt feel that it wouldnt work out. Something to do with university or something. "Its not you its me" i was upset but hid my emotions. We agreed we'd just be friends because she did apparently like hanging out with me. That was a few weeks back. Now she barely returns text messages when we used to chat pretty well. Now im down in the dumps big time. I work a shitty job with shitty pay, go home to a empty apartment, have a million other shitty things on my mind that i cant let go of and generally nothing to look foward too in the future. To be honest i have been contemplating suicide the last week or so. Yes i know, not good. Not for just being rejected but because i really cant take much more of everything that im going through. The last few days ive been feeling so alone its not funny

Well my first question to both of you would have been, "are you on the road?"

Because if not, I'd definitely try that first before doing anything.....drastic?

But then you said this:

being on the road helped for a couple weeks, but that stopped when I realized that it is essentially the same as living in one place because civilization is the same everywhere I've been and everyone who isn't crazy is retarded everywhere I've been.

And I have to ask, where are the places you traveled to? Because only 2 weeks out there may not be enough....or perhaps going to places that are not helping.

I.e. try some nature oriented places instead of people oriented? Like go to a national park, or ride a train through the forest, rather than immerse yourself into downtown Philly, ect.

Not sure if that helps, but i found that helpful. I had to separate myself from society long enough to be able to find ways to appreciate it? I still dont really appreciate the "society" side of travelling nearly as much of the "nature/self sufficient" side.

But hey, I've also had breakdowns and suicidal points out on the road, it all come down to the person.

Also, any substance use/abuse going on? That may be a point to consider if so.
 
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DazeDreamer

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I've been living in my car for like two months now and I definitely felt this way beforehand as well, although slightly differently of course because things have happened since then. I have been focusing on "nature" rather than society, even though I generally have been staying near cities because of my reliance on industrial civilization for survival, resulting in my existence being destructive. but yeah living this way has definitely increased my isolation, which was already pretty near total, especially since I don't know a single person within thousands of miles and am incapable of just going up to people and attempting to use up their time paying attention to me

I just smoke weed that's all, don't even drink caffeine.
being away from people doesn't make me appreciate people more. I just wish I could find people who I actually get along with and admire, but not many are trying to become feral and I can't find any if the ones who are (also there's the whole issue of how I'm toxic garbage and shouldn't interact with anyone to begin with)
 

roughdraft

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you gotta drop the whole "i am toxic garbage i should never interact with anyone". some call it negative self-talk.
 
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DazeDreamer

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you gotta drop the whole "i am toxic garbage i should never interact with anyone". some call it negative self-talk.
do you really think this comment does anything? like.. do you believe in God? if not, how about you decide that you do believe in God now. that should fix things up real nice, huh?
 

roughdraft

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i don't necessarily believe in much of anything or attach myself to what I think but one thing I do believe is this:

you're the only one who can help yourself and if you want positive results you've gotta try to change your perspective and your attitude

If you really wanted to die you could prioritize that but the fact is your priority right now is seeking help on a message board. this is the situation that I'm commenting on.
 
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DazeDreamer

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it just seems kind of ridiculous and tired to tell people to change their beliefs, especially without offering any support for an alternative belief at all. there seems to be no reason for me to talk to people because everyone believes in free will and I have no idea hoe to bridge that difference because it's so obvious that the only things that can happen are the things that do happen and everything is either caused or random, neither of which leaves any room for "free will" which, to me, seems like an oxymoron. in order to have a will, there MUST be context, and the only way that change could originate from within an individual would be for something to come from nothing.
A seems like it's equal to A. what else can you say besides that?

what I'm doing here is less seeking help than it is desperately flailing about wishing that things other than myself were different, and knowing that there is no help to be found.

but it's something to pass a bit of time.
 

Coywolf

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what I'm doing here is less seeking help than it is desperately flailing about wishing that things other than myself were different, and knowing that there is no help to be found.
So you are not seeking help? You just want to tell others that their opinion of how to possibly help your situation is pointless?

This may be one of the causes of your depression.

I have to agree with @rana y sapo on this one. Everything you encounter, or every person you meet, try REALLY hard to see the positive in it/them.

I have been having to do this, and it has been helping slowly.

Dont keep up with the hating of yourself. There is no need to. Because if it really is everyone else that is causing you to feel this way, the least you can do is say fuck 'em, and try to better yourself.
 
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DazeDreamer

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I can't seek something that isn't there to be found, though I wish it was. none of this is remotely convincing to me, optimism is an undeveloped way of approaching things and I know that people don't get to decide what they think about things.
this isn't about depression honestly, remember (if you read the other comments), I didn't write that title.
this is about being incompatible with reality.
 
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DazeDreamer

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I also didn't say that other people are the reason I hate myself. I hate myself because I am inadequate and perpetually afraid and ashamed for no reason. I hate other people because they're stupid and it's really annoying. I also hate myself because I think everyone is stupid, but I can't decide to not think people are stupid. which is very different from thinking they are valueless or that it's their fault that they're stupid. like I don't hate people in the sense I wish anything bad on them, I just don't find people interesting or enjoyable to engage with, yet interacting with people is the only thing I really want to do at this point. I've spent pretty much my whole life isolated most of the time and there's really no reason to explore myself or the world anymore without anyone to share things that I discover with. the last person I spent time with, over a week ago, ended our interaction by running away mid conversation, ignoring me, and not looking at me even after I ran alogside her and asked why she was running she wouldn't look at me and just got in her car and left with only a split second glance as if she was terrified. I can't figure out what I did that could've made me so frightening other than say that I wanted to die and strip naked and jump into a river? but it's not like I did this in front of some stranger who hasn't heard me say that or seen me naked before (I was also no longer naked when running alongside her so that wouldn't explain the not looking at ne part either)... anyway, my point is kind of just that I'm sick of experiencing unenjoyable bullshit for no reason. life's redeeming qualities do not make up for the infinitely flowing insanity and isolation.
so I'm not really here for help I'm jist here looking for attention for no reason because I can't kill myself even though I know it's the right thing to do.
 

Sameer

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Take charge... you are responsible for the way you feel. All these emotions come from the brain. Just because a brain cell fires and causes you to be unhappy you do not have to manifest unhappiness. Quit thinking so much!
Go out into nature! Be social! Live in the moment! You and only you are responsible for your own happiness. You create every emotion that you experience. Take charge and move forward. Understand this is sink or swim. Life is sink or swim!
 

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