How to deal with girls talking and wanting to drink and party with my bf?

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#1
Hello there,

me and my s/o have been together for 3 1/2 years, even thou i get a big feeling he doesnt cheat on me , i get a feeling when he's drunk he's a bit more friendly, touchy feeling with women/people in general, but it doesn't seem sexual, just a bit more emotional/physical intimate then usual, and i get jealous cuz i dont feel we have a solid emotional connection bond, i do know he cares and worries about me, but sometimes i dont think he means to come across as "flirty", but it does to me, cuz he's laughing, smiling, making jokes, putting his arm/hand on there shoulder, or leaning on them, and i asked if i did the same thing, would you be jealous or bothered, and he said yes. But he also told he's likes this too because he's trying to get things for us, like money, smokes, drinks, etc, a place to stay, so i dunno what to think. One night one of his friends that are girls wanted to hang out with us, but truly i get this feeling she's just gonna bring him down with smoking hardcore crack, we have been staying away from it for some long, and plus we only had one bottle we panhandled for, and i was on a time shedule, but he seemed like he wanted to socialize and talk to her, i told him my feelings about this and he told me, she's just a friend, she's homeless and a nice person, and thats why he helps her out, i just dont think he should be drinking alone with her alone, cuz it seems girls always wanna be with him when drunk too. Any advice and suggestions people?
 

SlankyLanky

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#2
best advice i can give is talk to him about this. even though you gave some details i sure as shit aint gonna assume i know yalls relationship.

but truly i get this feeling she's just gonna bring him down with smoking hardcore crack
this is also something you might want to consider bring up to him in a "hey i thought we were away from this shit why are you risking our relationship to hang out with a friend whos still smoking crack i thought we were done with that shit?" kinda way. the first time i got 100% sober from alcohol the only way it was possible for me was to not be around people who were drinking. period. i drink these days but its very rare and i still avoid parties or big groups of people where theres gonna be heavy drinking, because i know ide just get shit hammered. if the two of you are trying to avoid getting sucked back into smoking crack it is probably a good idea to not be around people who are smoking crack, especially if the two of you are making a effort to not use anymore.

on a personal note congrats on getting off that shit but also dont let him bring you back down.
 
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#3
Casting my vote with Slanky - something you should discuss. How you discuss it matters - 'We need to talk' is number one on my personal list of conversation-killers. Also, nobody can alter another person's nature; think of a doctor telling somebody they can't smoke, drink coffee/booze, eat the food they love or whatever - ultimately, that individual makes the choice. You can only inform how a specific behavior makes you feel - leaving it to the individual how to respond.
Disclaimer:::soapbox::
When y'all are indulging, anything goes - that's why we do it. An ex's dad once told me (in Spanish) 'You're never so drunk you'd eat a plate of shit someone offered you.' - meaning, intoxication's no excuse. I used to counter 'You never know.' incidentally... Anyway, when 2 or more join for a drink, smoke, or 8-ball, they're basically rolling the dice - all bets off, 'see where we end up'... At 20, 4 years is 20% of your entire experience; at 50+ 'it aint a lick in the ocean', as my grandma used to tell me - now I know what she meant!
 
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#4
if these gals were yalls friend you could talk to them too...if you trusted him you wouldn't be asking a bunch of strangers about him. i think you know what's up and you know what we're gonna say, you just need to hear it reflecting back at you. i'm sorry if it hurts but it sounds like he might want to "have his cake & eat it too"...if he can't make you feel better about this relationship it might be time for a change.

edit: im being a little salty and tbh i feel like i recognize some of his behavior from my past... i had some substance issues (mainly booze) & whenever i was monogamous on the road for a while i would get super antsy. i insist guys in general should not be trusted lightly tho
 
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#5
I think the feelings you're having are pretty common - drinking / drugs / partying go hand in hand with the travelling lifestyle and we're always going to find ourselves in mixed groups, getting wasted with people we perceive as attractive to our partners... personally I wouldn't try and control my girlfriend, telling her who she can and can't hang with and party with - I know that if she wants to get with someone else instead of me there's fuck all I can do about it - what she does with her life is up to her, not me ! so I think the same goes for your boyfriend, you've just got to trust him and believe him when he says he wants to be with you - laying down a load of rules isn't going to achieve much, if he did want to get with someone else they'd find a way to hook up.... so in the nicest possible way I'm saying 'just deal with it - jealousy and insecurity are pretty common feelings when your young...
 

roughdraft

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#6
anything is possible, i wouldnt assume he is looking to cheat - but to move forward you have to talk to him about how you're both in substance recovery and you are deeply concerned about him passing time with someone else who is using the same substance. that's my 2 cents, leave the rest out of the initial conversation - alright good luck!!
 

Coywolf

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#7
My advice, from experience, is that if your bf entertains these advances, especially after you have mentioned that it makes you uncomfortable, he is not worth your time. These advances ALWAYS lead to cheating, IMO. Seriously. If someone cares about you, and you ask them to not flirt with others, and they still do, they are not worth your time.

If you are both polyamorous, fine. But a polyamorous and monogamous couple will always have issues, unless you both have some sort of understanding.

But like I said. This is all from MY personal experience.
 

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