Getting Old:Existential/ Midlife Crisis

highwayman

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#1
This may be more a realized philosophy that crosses over all aspects of life. In the US the average life expectancy for a white male is 76.4 years old. Sure, many of us lived fast, some died young. I never thought I would become middle age. I lived much of my first 4 decades of life, fast on the edge at risk & with abandon. Once I take into consideration my overall neglect, past substance abuse, exposure to carcinogens, lack of dental & health care; I wonder how or when I will end this race. Unsure if I will live tomorrow or till another birthday; I consider much more today. I contemplate life, searching for meaning, purpose & lessons from situational exposure. Since getting sober; I started seeing my perception of time rapidly speed up to an uncomfortable rate. Weeks feel like days. Years like months. I still retain some youthful exuberance but it is clouded in a fog of mature realization today. I think that much of the nomadic lifestyle can be flat our destructive within our culture. Obviously trains kill people, shooting dope is bad, drinking is obviously inherently negative; exposure to the elements, occasional interrupted sleep patterns, poor diet of fast food or dumpstered pizza, loneliness & uncertainty, violence etc.

That being said; I have noticed that the absence of such risk, adventure, exploring & movement from traveling can somehow also be working against my overall general health. Perhaps this is a psychological effect of our internal clocks slowing down because I am now living a more calm, stable & regulated life. Age is but a number but if inwardly we feel old & tired; most likely we are manifesting old & tired responses in the body. I need doses of danger, adventure & strife to live a truly balanced life today. The thing about it is; I have become complacent; even though I know what is needed. perhaps my anxiety has finally evolved into genuine fear. I acknowledge that we live finite existences & at the very best have another 35 years left on earth if disease or tragedy doesn't take me out sooner. Could this philosophical pragmatism be somehow working against me? Seeing that I fear death today (for the first time ever) am I somehow subliminally accepting its inevitability as if it is happening this very moment. Is fear of death be causing me to be paranoid about living & preventing exposure to unnecessary risks & behaviors? Am I just trying to spend as much time with my loved ones in safety & comfort out of a looming fear of death. I never cared about shit. I never got hurt. I never got sick. I never got killed. I drank. I wandered. I fucked. I fought. I worked at dangerous jobs. I ran with others like me. I may have been a raving psychopath with untreated alcoholism, anxiety & depression but i was rarely ever concerned or afraid. I knew then as I do today that when my time is up; its up. That once helped me live life firmly exposed to these highest levels of risk.

As I lost my mother, recently (age 72). My dad who has one leg recently broke his hip. My friends/peers are also loosing their parents to death. Many of them are learning of their own diagnosis of illnesses like cancer, diabetes; heart disease from poor lifestyles, diet, stress, lack of exercise etc. These are the same people who never lived life at risk. They were protected in safe bubbles, cared about health; yet here we are.

I once thought that only the good die young. The young just know how to live; they are not concerned of death, disease or consequences. They just act, react, grabbing life by the horns; leaving destruction in their wake. Falling in love, going where they wan't; acting without giving a fuck. Oh to be young again or better yet to feel young again. When the wizard pulled back the curtain, the gig was up. I cannot un-know what I know, un-see what I have seen. I wan't to see something new again. I wan't to be confused. i want to break bank windows. I want to impose emotional carnage. I wan't to be free. I wan't to be at risk again but not with the equal yet opposite loathing misery that accompanied my past behavior.

Can we age & evolve while retaining some good things from our youth?

 
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#2
We're all gonna be worm shit eventually. For a lot of people this will be a massive improvement from their current state. Take care of yourself and your loved ones the best you can and turn a blind eye to the cold uncaring void that is the universe, it's literally all you can do. Traveling, intoxication, religion, love, family whatever... It's all a distraction from the reality of the situation and the older we get the biggest hazard to happiness becomes our natural realization of it.

The universe doesn't care about you or anyone else. The beauty of youth is the ignorance of this fact.
 
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#3
And then there's this guy- https://infotel.ca/newsitem/the-free-life-and-lives-of-dag-aabye/it41372

At my age I'm starting think life for most people consists of choosing the most comfortable lie to believe.
For instance- Religion. Almost none of the Christians I've met have actually read the Bible, nor know the true history of it. They just blindly believe and misinterpret the true message.

Another one is our Country(I love this vast land, but our Govt is fucked up)- All the saber waving, etc. not realizing most of their tax dollars go to the "defense" fund, that in actuality is used to harm innocent people. Most choose to come up with a bullshit counter defense without having read any literature on the matter at all, only buying into what the major news stations sell them. So, all tax payers essential have blood on their hands.

For me- travel, friendships, books, knowledge and deep, inner contemplation is what makes my life satisfying. I choose not to partake in the bickering, social climbing, career-minded great big lie that's fed to us from our earliest age. To each their own path.
Alan Watts has some great writing on this.

I look to people like Thoreau, Dag Aabye, Dick Proenneke, Heinz Stucke, Alastair Humphreys, Ed Abbey, Marcus Aurelius as guides to a good life.
 
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#4
there are no magic words, brother.

nothing undoes the last breath.

come morning we may be weak & drooling, and the only reason that sucks is because we'd hoped with all we were that there was enough empathy within whatever Causes
Existence
to at least give us *that* little piece of insurance..

if yer alive & walking, without great pain,

be gratefull.

. . or be brave.

complaining is the biggest disconnect there is...

bitching, however, is something else...

every single one of us whom has the love that we love
could have changed this fucking world,
or lived in it, fairly & peaceably, if that love had not had to struggle against those whom use simplicity as a weapon itself, against those whom practice it.

the kind & the truthfull are not political animals.

we would have our nature be sufficient unto all needs to which our love might require us to respond.

and so we are forced into a choice:

- insanity
or

.. suffering.

maybe there is a third option, but the point is this:
we would rather suffer, ourselves, than hurt others for whatever gain that requires ethical contortion.

we would *rather* give, than take..

we would rather *work*, fairly, if that work is not enslavement...

humans are a victim of their ability to formalize...

to assert reason as a requirement for whatever they need to prove either exists, or has verifiable meaning because they have this thing enslaved,
which they call 'Reason'..

Jesus..

they are Enslaved by it....

so we die slowly.
& we hate if we live too long with too much failure or too much pain...

the injustice is exactly like spikes within our wrists..

& we, my good & admirable friend..

we wear the thorns too, so long as we do not take them off...

i admire your Crown,

however fucking bloody it is...

bitch about it, but don't complain...

unless you really want the alternative that reasoning shall demand from it, if you finally decide to not wear it...

it is one thing to rest, with a heavy load..

it is another thing to wayside it, behind you...

you are one of the most important people, to me, i have ever met, mr. K..

i hear you & it sucks...

but it is better than the fucking alternative..

.
 
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#5
Could you tell me how you got sober? Bin looking into rehabs. Bin housed up on an off allot this year. Basically wandering has lost its charm. Craving some stability. First time in my life, I've bin worried about how I've bin living. Basically travel these days just cuz, I'm a traveler... Pretty much all I am. Any help is appreciated.
 
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#6
On perception of time passing, I once read the reason that our childhoods and youth seem so long is because we're constantly being exposed to new things and our minds have all this new stuff to grab onto so our memories are more vivid and make it seem time takes longer to pass.

Once we get into a situation that is monotony and saftey, we have no new novel concepts, so the days weeks and months bleed into another and memory makes it seem time has rapidly passed us by.

So in a way, living fast, doing risky things and adventuring is a way to a perceived longer life, I think.
I notice it when I'm housed up and grinding through. I try to do as many new things as possible so break up the monatny but it's hard to keep up with.
My two cents on that.
 

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