fucked. it's... fucked.

[Lizzzzz]

lets start at the top
i got out of a 4 year relationship with a doushe bag, got a van, and was ready to hit the road with my crew of friends. i banged one of my drinkin buddies then all of a suden a unicorn came and shit sparkles and rainbows all over the place and we were in love. he left with me 3 weeks later in sept '09 and we went across the country and then on our way back we decided it'd be funny if we got married at a drive thru in vegas. the most sarcastic and hilarious shit either of us had ever done, we told our friends and fam about it later and then were showered with gifts and booze. his mom got me an IUD as a wedding present. i think that says a lot about what she thought of me... but anyways, things were great for a long time. sure, about 8 months in we started arguing over stupid shit but it didnt really get in the way of love. and there were a couple times where we kicked the shit out of each other. i stayed 4 days in the hospital in vancouver washington because i punched him in the mouth and his tooth went into my knuckle and caused a serious blood infection. i attributed that behavior to passion. we loved hard, we fought hard, we made up harder.
so that dreaded day came when we realized what we were doing wasnt sustainable anymore and we needed to winter up and make some fast cash to fix the van and get passports. i also needed new glasses and a couple other things that we had been putting off cuz we were living buck to buck and playing music on street corners to get those bucks. so we decided on kansas city cuz he's from here and i'd lived here before. well we got here and i got 2 jobs off the bat, then quit the one, found a 3rd and quit the second. the last job was at a head shop/record store/porn/adult novelty store so it wasn't unbearable, even though working and paying taxes blows monster cock i was still kinda having fun selling strap-ons and midget porn and bongs. all the money i made went into the van and our passports and rent. we managed to get a room at a drunken queer/tranny house so being a housey hasn't sucked that bad. but the WHOLE TIME we've been here he's been a depressed little monkey, just sobbing around and drinkin every day not cuz it's fun to be drunk but because he can't stand being sober. he held one job for 3 weeks and that was it. all of the money he made definitely didn't cover what his half would have been. and all he talks about is how it's my fault that we're still here. but we're about to leave in ten days and i kind of want to go on my own. i know i'd make it just fine alone in my van with my dog. might even find someone to get under to get over it. maybe even sell the van and meet up with my hoppin' friends. i guess possibilities are endless once you're free.
you know in the movies when the lead male and lead female meet and fall in love and do all sorts of goofy bonding things together and it seems so new and fresh and wonderful, and that feeling of FINALLY having someone who "gets it"... well i'm lingering on the memories of those times and trying desperately to keep it together but i'm growing exhausted and honestly i want to bang other people. i'm bi, and telling girls that i have a husband (even though we have a permission-based agreement on polyamory) is a total boner killer.

so basically my problem is i don't know when to amputate. when is the limb rotten enough to cut it off? or can some amount of antibiotics save this thing...

 

[plagueship]

it's rotten enough when you are posting on a messageboard to tell all the crusties how fucked it is.

 

[Lizzzzz]

well yeah, it is kind of a personal thing and i dont want to push my shit on anyone but there's some solace in sharing things with perfect strangers. and if you're not into picking thru the shit of someone's personal life, navigate away. and it's not like i put this in general banter...

 

[stove]

Actually, as retarded as Plauge's comment was, there is a midget of truth hiding in there somewhere. If it's gotten to the point that you need to really sit down and wonder, where the line is, chances are you have already passed that point, and just have yet to realize it.

That being said, sounds like a real shitty situation. Been in a few, it happens. Get out while you can, honestly.

 

[Lizzzzz]

woops maybe i took that the wrong way. yeah i guess it is super fucked and i should dip by myself... it's just hard to admit to myself but make a post and have someone say "uh... yeah." and things get put in perspective. maybe i was hoping for someone to say "oh honey, i've been there, it'll get better when you're back on the road together" but for reals now i doubt it...

 

[stove]

haha oh no, plaugeship was just being a sarcastic dick (I assume). He had a point, howeverv, thought it was probably unintentional.

Or he could be a worldly scholar, what the fuck do I know?


Yeah, I'd love to say that it will get better, but in all complete honesty, that's not terribly likely. Living on the road is exciting, incredible, passionate, etc. If you can't hack it at home, what does that bode for the future?

 

[AnarchistRon]

Would you be better alone, then with this individual?

 

[Diagaro]

i banged one of my drinkin buddies then all of a suden a unicorn came and shit sparkles and rainbows all over the place and we were in love.

Lol'd!

 

[plagueship]

my comment was meant as a sincere answer to the question being asked! it was blunt and to the point. i read the whole post and i have some experience of how these situations go, and i know that sometimes it helps to have someone who is outside of it offer an objective viewpoint just say "yeah, that sounds awful, you should end it or at least take some time and space to yourself because you certainly made it sound like a terrible situation". that's all.

 

[Nelco]

good luck
i have no decent advice
i had a similar experience and i ditched my dude in cali and went to the other side of the u.s. while pregnant and i honestly feel better away from him
it's nice not waking up to black eye's and a busted face and apolgizing to each other honestly and i'm happier away from alcohol worship..just sayin from my experience..if it helps

 

[stove]

See, the midget of truth has sprung forth!
(Didn't mean any offense, but it was 50/50 if you were being an ass or sincere. Actually, around here, it's probably 60/40 that you were being an ass...)

 

[wokofshame]

. i stayed 4 days in the hospital in vancouver washington because i punched him in the mouth and his tooth went into my knuckle and caused a serious blood infection. i attributed that behavior to passion...

really? if i was on the receiving end i probably would have attributed it to you punching me so hard rofl

 

[stove]

Nah dude, I would totally say it's love. Doesn't your girl give you that kind of love?

 

[SleazeLightning]

Gotta say I totally feel ya on this one. I just ended a longterm thing for similar reasons. The whole "drink drink drink fuck fuck fuck fight make-up fuck repeat" routine can get old unless there's enough going on in the periphery to make life awesome. Being together on the road where erybody's gotta pull their own weight and make it really come alive just to be able to eat sleep and wake up relatively intact is a way different dynamic than having to bunker down somewhere to earn paper...ie, people easily get comfortable/complacent/dependent/lametarded and can lose sight of the shared vision that brought them together in the first place. When somebody stops pulling their weight for no good reason, they fall behind and are soon outta sight...jus sayin'.

 

[Nagrom]

i would say just make it about you two w/o and try to find what it was in the first place that made you fall in love and if its not there then just tell him you have fun but its time to move on.

 

[Earth]

Good Point... I myself have to be honest - I don't have any real good advice for ya as I'm coming out from a bad break-up as well, but one which I recognize needed to happen, because I could see that we were driving each other crazy, and that while we both wanted the same thing's out of life - our ways of achieving such were as polar opposite as possible. I let her go, in fact maybe hastened it a bit - because I knew she needed to be free and far away from me. I know this does you no good. I also know you put a whole lot of time into what you have written here, and that's a good thing. It allows you to reflect and think the whole thing out while doing the writting - at the same time - it's very very liberating to have everything wide open - especially if you've got nothing to hide, and you are completely honest and sincere. I know, because I've been doing the same thing too. Sure, you may get some bad comments, but that's to be expected... Any kind of feedback is always good, it's when one gets ignored that sucks. Hang in there, and do exactly what your heart tells you to do.

 

[Lizzzzz]

thanks for all the words folks. i left him 10 days before i left town. he spent those 10 days trying his damndest to win me back. and i gotta say it worked. now we're on the road again and makin new memories as equals and have talked extensively about what that means. (and we cut back on the boozin). it's a little more complicated when there's papers. word of advice kids - no matter how funny you think it'd be, DON'T GET MARRIED IN VEGAS.

 

[Earth]

I bet !! Cutting back on the boozing never hurts either (because you can always get back in line) which is exactly what I did too, not only for Lent - but to try and win her back as well. I didn't, in fact she's been leaving me for almost a year now come to think of it, which - ha ha!! - I found out about right here on S.T.P. as nothing is secret or private that done on the internet Anyway, We got lucky, as all we did was jump over an old corn broom I had in the garage after drinking too much pabst blue ribbions one night, but we still really considered ourselves married at least for a while. Come to think of it, we never did say we were divorced, so I guess technically we could call ourselves seperated, but in all honestly we are simply free. One thing is for certain: her hatred towards me is very very real, while I remained dedicated to her right to the end. Thank G-d there's 2900 miles between us now. And I'm not even sure if that's enough. She told one of my friends she is where she is at now just temporarially to raise enough money to get herself and her (new) man to New Zeland or Australia. But there's a slight problem: I don't think she's ever really spent time with him, as I believe he's a long time internet friend.... Believe me - there ain't nothing like the real thing. You can't fake life. What a surprise they wil both be in for. I just hope it turns out great. (see?? there I go again, still wishing the best for her....) Good Luck. I'm glad you went back to him. Marriage after all is for better or worse. If you are true to your man, you'll stand by him through both the good and bad times, because anyone who thinks it's always only going to be good is not living in the real world. Conflicts happen.....

 

[outskirts]

Luxurious Solitude
"Loneliness is most acutely felt with other people, for with others, even with a lover sometimes, we suffer from our
differences - differences of taste, temperament, mood. With other human beings, vision becomes double vision. We
are busy wondering, What does my companion see or or think of this? and What do I think of it? The original impact
gets lost, or diffused. Alone we can afford to be wholly whatever we are, and to feel whatever we feel absolutely.
That is a great luxury."
- Mary Sarton
The New York Times

 

[JungleBoots]

Im just thinking out loud here but you already got your mind made up hun. listing your sexual preference, and plans at the end of your opening post make that pretty clear to me. So I dont think this is a need for advice on the subject as much as just getting a few nods of approval. Loyalties in a relationship, like laws and rules, need to be reciprocated otherwise they arent rational, otherwise it just makes the loyal individual, the lawful individual blindly obedient.

Ha... so yeah I Nod my approval for sure... especially since you might be comeing to Detroit! xD If you do we can chillax so long as you are here before me and my crew head out in the next month.