Anyone else feel like changing directions?

Good luck to you man. I hope you find your way out.

I understand the ... unhappiness .. What has changed since you joined in past December, if you don't mind me asking. I am currently on a bit OUT myself fyi

You don't have to worry mate, soon your wanderlust will become so all consuming that you have no choice but to just walk out the front door. 's what happened with me, anyway. If you want to leave, grab a backpack and walk out the door. The rest will sort itself out.

@Sip is right on the money

Sounds like you are going to the wrong school mate. Where are you enrolled? Want to love the art you make, up your game to be amazing at, but probably make almost no money because it is not commercial enough to mass market? Go to the Oregon college of Art and Craft. If you don't like your school just transfer dude.

I don't really think it's a school thing. It's a simple fact that the market is becoming rougher and rougher as capitalism is becoming increasingly strained and outdated. Options are becoming far scarcer for businessmen, marketers, and yes, even artists. I think it's a cultural thing, and, no matter where he goes, he is gonna have a bit of it. Besides, if he 'just' wants to do 'indie art' he doesn't need a degree. Hence his feelings of disgust.

Maybe you could reframe your thought on producing a vast majority of artwork quickly to this, rather than as a means of survival, income and capitalism.



Do a lot of work, do a huge volume of work until the work you're making is as good as your ambitions.

As as aside, I don't believe you really have to go to school to become a great artist, but for some people it may help.

well, sonny (said the old, wrinkled, grampa-like, prune looking, son of a bitch who may or may not be doing anything like what he believes he *should* be.. -since sometimes all you can do is, or *should* do, is what is in front of you...)

it's like this:

you cant make money off of what you love & still do what you love, if what you love is being secure *or* certain *or* safe or.............

now.. that being said, what you need to understand about yourself is *why* you are a fucking artist..

you enjoy art?
ok.
be an art machine.
no?

seems like it's probably something *different* from art that makes you what you are.

that means you have to be willing to say "fuck art", if art gets in the way of your essential being..

if what you like is the *feeling* of creativity, & that is what motivates your existence, then you are essentially looking at a self-centered perceptual modality that will probably move you *away* from what you most intrinsically love, rather than becoming more a portion of it..

if you can walk away from what you love, to be what you should be.. to be near where that ability *to* love comes from, then you are owning up to the scariest shit in existence, because it means you are willing to accept that you may *never* get what you most deeply desire..

only that you come closer to being what you *should*.

& that doesn't happen until you can say "fuck it" to almost everything you want.

that may even mean becoming the very thing you despise, sometimes..
or doing & doing fucking *well*, the thing you hate most to do..

rainbows, unicorns, butterflies, good friends, moment of deep peace, incredible experiences, memories that are driven like spikes of meaning into your brain & all other fashion of wondrous, beautifull, painfull, & tragic experiences are *real*, but they seldom flow in continuity for any length of time, & their consistency is *not* something that should be grasped for..

don't even hurt yourself by trying to find meaning from them, because throughout them all, regardless of whether they are random or derived from preparations made, they are *not* what you are meant to be, & you need to be able to turn away from them *at any given instant*, because they are only perceptual constructs, & you will err if you think they are the measure of what you are meant to be.

satisfaction is the sweetest poison you will ever taste.

the purpose of human existence is duty.

when we are able to work with acceptance of the constraint upon us at all times that we are responsible for each other, then *anything* you do will have power.

even if it is never known.

in the desert, hungry with a no more than piece of bread & you share with a bird or scraggly dog?

fucking *power*.

that's when the earth comes into you..

& if you try to keep the acknowledgement of that duty, prepared & in readiness
you can do whatever the fuck you want, so long as you are first prepared to do whatever the fuck you *must*..

there will be no voices..
there will be no signs..
no revelations..
there may even be nothing which makes any sense..
there will be no fulfillment
& there will be no sense that you have accomplished anything or done anything intrinsically meaningfull.

the only thing you may ever get is to be able to walk under the stars, & weep to them, saying "i am only trying to do my best to not betray you.. but you motherfuckers & all there is with you
do not make it easy..."

so.. being old & being a prune & never having found what i love most to be part of what i carry with me through my days, & fighting, still, to not die in pain & to maybe.. *maybe* one day find something i would call freedom, if not actual happiness.. i will tell you this..

-it is fucking wonderfull to be a fucking prune & to be able to walk out under the sun or stare at the ceiling of my van, or my room, or to slog through whatever mud or dirt or grit against whatever wind, or scream at the freezing rain while i am somehow or other presented with an unfathomable set of circumstances, & yet *still* feel the same hope & idealism of my youth..

to be whom i was when i was young, even though i never was able to do what i loved most..

we are not what we want..
we are only as much as what we are of what we ought to be.

anything less is fucking death.

good luck, friend,



C