Im living in a very rural place. Im 23. Im a big drug geek, I like to reasearch and eat shit. when Im not eating shit Im listning to shit hoping one day my shit will sound as good as the shit I listen to.
Im an MTF transwoman.
I just came to the realization that everything is ok, not because its correct but because it makes sense. when i accepted what i was, all the problems that happened that I couldn't put a finger on "why is this happening to a decent guy like me" became not applicable. when I came out "to myself" I don't even have to ask "why is this happening to a girl like me?" it's obvious to even an elementary school kid. I smile because all the clues I've been ignoring came together. Some force yelled "I told you so" to my face and ... well this time it felt good.
I feel like I found god.
I'm a woman; a woman that no straight woman in their right minds would date, no father could understand, no sane employer could hire because I'm defective. No empathic person is going to hate me, but just like someone with the flu they will always regard me as pitiable. After all, who can blame them?
I believe everyone at one point or another does reckless things to fit in. With Trans women (while I don't wanna be rude and speak for anyone) I think the wild child is more so.
First I joined the Air Force to prove to my dad I was tough. This ended epically badly with me being kicked out of the armed services with no benefits.
I fell in with a group of hippies who would pop X pills every weekend along with a metric shiton of mushrooms and so much blotter you could print the contents of war and peace along with all the akira comics on them. The drugs made me feel more feminine and the Austin music/party scene didn't seem to mind a girly looking/acting guy, peace love and all that jazz. I was starting to accept myself but still had lingering yearnings to be normal in my father's eyes. My friends went from rave kids who did drugs to chemists themselves. Eventually I got involved with Bloods and Mexican mafia guys.
I was mixed up in a culture of guns, drugs and illicit income. In an attempt to be macho and make fast money. I engaged in all manner of illegal activity. People are often confused by my feminine aura so I had to go extra harder to prove there was no "fag" in me.
Looking back, like I mentioned earlier, the clues to my fairer identity (a term I coined!) pervaded every aspect of life.
For instance, no matter how hard I tried, girls would tell me how femme I was; my mannerisms and such gave me away. People would constantly ask if I was gay. I told them I wish I was because then I could be with someone. These girls want nothing to do with me. At least not for long, anyway.
What else? Ive been in a couple bands, and I had a semester of art education under my belt before completely losing my shit in a bad PCP expereince on campus. (someone laced my weed with PCP)
I rap. I sing. I produce beats and ever since hearing norah jones as a child and ben folds as an adult I new i needed to play piano. Im unemployed, I got into...an altercation with my fastfood manager.
cat power(chan marshal) inspires me so much. addicted to drugs/drunk, uneducated, country folk, moving from a backwater place to new york and doing what she loves.
Im sick of rural life and these bullshit 9-5s. but My unique needs as a transgendered person leave me confused as to how to begin to hit the road.
I will soon be taking estrogen hormones and antiandrogens and dont know how to sustain this specialized medical attention while traveling.
I came to this site to continue my learning.
I want to move to austin, at least for now. and see think that the ability to live without residence would get me to a similar situation without the hassle of moving out the conventional way. perhaps if wanderlust continues to permeate my brain I'd kick the austin idea to the curb and continue the adventure stopping by seattle. the only experience i have panhandling was when i was tripping mescaline in a house full of heroin addicts. i used up all my gas money buying them food (they were so hungry)
ended up getting 50 dollars from 3 different gas stations.
Ive never traveled before. and Ive always been told by my parents without an education or job id fail. ironically it was my mother who recently suggested to me that I become a nomad.
Ive always toyed with the idea. all the times I walked away from home (its 20 miles to the nearest gas station) it felt exhilarating. on that particular occasion i had found 5 bucks with no ride, I sauntered back being the proud owner of 2 24oz hurricane cans. best drunk of my life. I was on probation at the time.
I came to this site to continue my learning. Of course this is also a shout out! if any transgendered nomads are on hear Id love to hear your stories!